FaithChaser

Hey everyone,

Anyone else out there feel like a hermit when stress is on them? This week, I have found myself hiding from everyone/ everything. I am confused, although this is nothing new for me, the thing that is different is my inability to be honest with myself about my life and the direction it is going. I've been praying a lot to make sure my decisions are the right ones. Praying for guidence and feeling that my prayers are not being answered (in my time) I've not called anyone, the ah is gone out of town. Frankly, I've only recieved two calls in this past week. My freinds are tired of my constant "I'm leaving the ah" only to see me turn around and change my mind once agian. This time was too many times I guess. I'm learning a lot about change and when the fear of it sets in how you run back to your comfort zone even if that zone is not good for you. From what i've read even prison inmates are saddened if they have been incarcerated a long time when they are finally freed. I'm not sure if my line of thinking is telling me that the time has come to move on, or if my reality is that I need to stay here where I know what the future holds to an extent.
I feel that I've tried everything to change myself, to be more healthy I mean. All of my anylysing has my head spinning and now I seem to be so confused about my feelings. I don't even know if I love my ah or anyone else for that matter. I feel void of feelings. So, my decision was to leave everyone alone and out of my confusing life at least until I've found some direction.
At present it just seems easier to stay put, not make any decisions, and not listen to anyone's advice. At least until I am very clear myself. I keep wanting imput from him, that will make it clear. I will never get that. Need to accept that and come to terms with the fact that he's never going to be a communicator like me.
I see the beach with the sun going down, white sands and palm trees, a slight breeze and salt on my skin and wish I was there. I cannot get past this indecision and need help but I feel that there is no help for me now. futile...helpless...needy...alone

I realize that my problems are very insignificant in the whole of things.
My prayers are being sent out daily for those that are suffering, may God protect and be with all of you.

Hugs,
~Faithchaser
:couchpota

StandingStrong

Faithchaser, my heart goes out to you. I can completely understand how you feel and I so relate to how you feel right now.
It's strange somehow isn't it that when we need people the most is when we tend to withdraw? When we need comfort, we tend to want to wallow in self pity, etc. Sometimes it's hard to even understand ourselves, let alone anyone else. Believe me, I understand.
I too withdraw. I do it out of not wanting to admit to others what my decisions are (embarrassment at how much I put up with ah), or that I just want to wallow in my own misery, and sometimes I do it just because I'm so confused I don't know even know what to say. I sometimes apologize to my best friend and tell her "I"m sorry I sound like a parrot. I just keep repeating everything over and over again and I just can't stop. It just makes no sense".
Learning to get to know ourselves deeply is one of the hardest things I think. We've grown so accustomed to "fixing" others and worrying about others - we lose sight of who "we" are. And it's hard to put into precise thought exactly what it is that "we" need, what "we" want, what "we" desire, etc.
So we sometimes just need to stop the pity party and refocus, regroup, pick ourselves up and start over again. One step at a time - putting that focus on ourselves.

I just want you to know that I'm so sorry you are having a hard time. Sending you lots of hugs.

FaithChaser

StandingStrong,

You put into words what I've not been able to figure out for myself. Thank you very much. I'm taking everything a step at a time in my own weird way. Taking a step back and looking at things from a different perspective. Regrouping. Not fixing anyone else for a change and it's weird.

1 trillion thank yous!
Faithchaser

FaithChaser

Just found out my father is going in for heart surgery. My pity party just got another thing to occupy my spinning mind. He's 77 and suffered a massive stroke about a year and a half ago. I'm even more scared than I was before. And even more alone. I guess you reap what you sew and I've made everyone hate me I guess. Bummer.

Prayers please?

Thanks,
FaithChaser

Live

I am so sorry to hear of your father's illness.
Sometimes, it is and sometimes it is not good to take time off for yourself. Only you know what is going on with you.
When I played the which tarot card quiz game, I was told I was a hermit.
I need alot of alone time to contemplate and allow myself to think for myself.
Isolating is a different matter entirely.
I am sure that there are many people who like you and care for you. It does you no good to beat up on yourself. I seriously doubt that you have made people hate you.
Maybe they are waiting for you to call, knowing that sometimes you need your own time or are not available????
I like the book title "Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway"
Maybe pick up the phone, make some calls and find out who your friends are????

jmo

live

FaithChaser

Thanks Live,

I did try to get ahold of a few freinds tonight, one didn't respond, one told me that her grandfather died today...we talked a bit, no hate there, and the ah called to say goodnight and hung up on me LOL (maybe a bit of hate there). Hanging out on the boards here seems to be helping between my self-beatings and fear.

More Hugs,
FaithChaser

Live