Planning a relapse.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
Planning a relapse.
That was a task given us at our last session - to plan through a relapse, jointly. We were told to look at things we had both done through D drinking hard, pick out what was helpful and write it into the plan. We were asked to look at what the other had done that helped and write that in too.
We were also asked to make this plan from a single 'slip up' drink, to occassional drinking, regular drinking heavy drinking and the above - with it totally out of control and the effects that has on D's mental health.
Then we were told to put the plan somewhere safe, hopefully never to be used.
She suggested we look at behaviour patterns from the past to build a picture of how each of us would most likely react and to plan how to overcome negatives in that and utalise strengths. We had to imagine it using what we experienced.
It didn't sound so hard till we began on Friday night, once we started I realised how hard it would be. We had to go beyond D feeling he will NEVER drink again, he had to ask himself what might change that, things like him thinking/believing he's been dry long enough to try again, or him thinking it's just a one off. It got really deep very quickly with us having broken through our resistance to the possibility.
At each stage we had to ask each other how we would most like to be supported. One of the reasons why we'd been asked to do this was so that D could verbalise that now he's in his right mind. He knows how serious it got with him coming close to being sectioned but he's usually very vague about it. He asked that I tell him if he needs to go back to APAS or the doctors, he was honest this time and said he would be again but he also said he didn't know himself at the time that he had to go. He asked that that I tell him because he said there was no way he could make enough sense of it THEN. That part of it was horrible (I mean while we were doing the plan), he was making decisions about how he wanted help if he went bonkers again. At the same time it was the one thing I didn't have this time around - his decisions laid out in front of me and knowing they were made with him healthy.
I asked for lots of stuff too, but mainly things he did this time anyway and some stuff after in the times after a slip, lapse, relapse. My stuff was more aimed at him being in the driving seat as soon as he could and letting me know he was there. Also for him to be understanding of my lapses and mistakes.
Things like him saying if he started to want to try moderation again he would do it with guidance from APAS and stop if they said it didn't work. It was freaky to hear him say that but it WAS what we were asked to do - his part was to go over how he winds up drinking again and wanting moderation has always been where it's started - so he had to imagine wanting it and think from that perspective.
Then after we'd finished, everything laid out, I turned the page and wrote down November 5th, his 3 month stop date - we'd also been told we should plan something special for it. D wants to go to Whitby!! Then I don't know why but I wrote 2006 and D said keep going, so I wrote 2007, he said keep going, I wrote 2008 ........... until we got to 2020, I said that's the date of perfect vision 20/20 vision!! I said he should have a dream come true for that one! So now he has a sort of second birthday on fireworks night, 3 months after first stopping.
It put the task to rest, got us back where we are here and now. The plan is excellent, real, and the void of relapse has been chased away - if it happens it will be an event, one we both know we've planned for, one where we have our plan in a safe place to reach for any time.
I know why our counsellor said to do this - it was a strange, surreal, hard, emotional and important thing to do. It brought a huge sense of peace.
We were also asked to make this plan from a single 'slip up' drink, to occassional drinking, regular drinking heavy drinking and the above - with it totally out of control and the effects that has on D's mental health.
Then we were told to put the plan somewhere safe, hopefully never to be used.
She suggested we look at behaviour patterns from the past to build a picture of how each of us would most likely react and to plan how to overcome negatives in that and utalise strengths. We had to imagine it using what we experienced.
It didn't sound so hard till we began on Friday night, once we started I realised how hard it would be. We had to go beyond D feeling he will NEVER drink again, he had to ask himself what might change that, things like him thinking/believing he's been dry long enough to try again, or him thinking it's just a one off. It got really deep very quickly with us having broken through our resistance to the possibility.
At each stage we had to ask each other how we would most like to be supported. One of the reasons why we'd been asked to do this was so that D could verbalise that now he's in his right mind. He knows how serious it got with him coming close to being sectioned but he's usually very vague about it. He asked that I tell him if he needs to go back to APAS or the doctors, he was honest this time and said he would be again but he also said he didn't know himself at the time that he had to go. He asked that that I tell him because he said there was no way he could make enough sense of it THEN. That part of it was horrible (I mean while we were doing the plan), he was making decisions about how he wanted help if he went bonkers again. At the same time it was the one thing I didn't have this time around - his decisions laid out in front of me and knowing they were made with him healthy.
I asked for lots of stuff too, but mainly things he did this time anyway and some stuff after in the times after a slip, lapse, relapse. My stuff was more aimed at him being in the driving seat as soon as he could and letting me know he was there. Also for him to be understanding of my lapses and mistakes.
Things like him saying if he started to want to try moderation again he would do it with guidance from APAS and stop if they said it didn't work. It was freaky to hear him say that but it WAS what we were asked to do - his part was to go over how he winds up drinking again and wanting moderation has always been where it's started - so he had to imagine wanting it and think from that perspective.
Then after we'd finished, everything laid out, I turned the page and wrote down November 5th, his 3 month stop date - we'd also been told we should plan something special for it. D wants to go to Whitby!! Then I don't know why but I wrote 2006 and D said keep going, so I wrote 2007, he said keep going, I wrote 2008 ........... until we got to 2020, I said that's the date of perfect vision 20/20 vision!! I said he should have a dream come true for that one! So now he has a sort of second birthday on fireworks night, 3 months after first stopping.
It put the task to rest, got us back where we are here and now. The plan is excellent, real, and the void of relapse has been chased away - if it happens it will be an event, one we both know we've planned for, one where we have our plan in a safe place to reach for any time.
I know why our counsellor said to do this - it was a strange, surreal, hard, emotional and important thing to do. It brought a huge sense of peace.
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
I am finding all of this unbelieveably amazing. What a lot of us would have given to have the total cooperation of our alcoholics during a sober/dry time. For them to think coherently and clearly. Laying out a game plan to cope with a possible relapse. This program sounds amazing.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
It was so hard to do - I can see why it was left to her last request from us. It HAD to be real, and the only way to do that was to face it. The language changed, hearing myself say things like 'but when you're drinking - what can I know except right then you DO want to drink?' or D saying, 'Would it help if I showed I was sorry?' or me saying 'I'd rather you deal with what you can first and say sorry later'.
I don't know, to be truthful we really did have to put ourselves there - I had to remind myself it was an excercise as D rightfully spoke as he thinks when he begins to drink.
But the feeling when we turned the page and it was done, to be glad it was just an excercise, to come home to the here and now knowing we had it there, knowing what we would do, having a plan - WOW!! THAT was intense!
It made us appreciate the fullness of today and leave fears dealt with on paper and PUT AWAY.
I think we both owe our counsellor lots - I think she was one smart cookie who really got to know us.
I don't know, to be truthful we really did have to put ourselves there - I had to remind myself it was an excercise as D rightfully spoke as he thinks when he begins to drink.
But the feeling when we turned the page and it was done, to be glad it was just an excercise, to come home to the here and now knowing we had it there, knowing what we would do, having a plan - WOW!! THAT was intense!
It made us appreciate the fullness of today and leave fears dealt with on paper and PUT AWAY.
I think we both owe our counsellor lots - I think she was one smart cookie who really got to know us.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
That sounds like a really scary thing to do - and only something that could have been achieved with D fully accepting his problems and being truly honest. As Kathy said, you are in a place that many of us have tried to be in and can only dream about.
I am so glad you can cherish it.
I am so glad you can cherish it.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
Originally Posted by minnie
That sounds like a really scary thing to do - and only something that could have been achieved with D fully accepting his problems and being truly honest. As Kathy said, you are in a place that many of us have tried to be in and can only dream about.
I am so glad you can cherish it.
I am so glad you can cherish it.
I cherish it utterly, it reflects more than just our efforts; we were exceptionally lucky we who we had work with us.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
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^^^ That's exactly what we did as soon as we'd finished!
A decade ago when D knew I loved him, he said the first person who ever had outside his family, something wrong was made right.
When I let him go because he went, when I chose not to look for him and watch something so precious get thinner and weaker, when I chose to grieve then carry on, something wrong was made right.
When I didn't know it but a part of him had decided to live, decided he was human not a freak, something wrong was made right. It was done by random acts of kindness, sometimes just a smile from a stranger, tiny footprints from other lives that I have NO doubt saved his, they never knew it but they made something wrong right.
His Grandfather told him life was beautiful and that just deciding to live was the start not the end, he had to begin living. D had travelled 250 miles by train to see his grandfather, his grandfather died just after their talk - D was the last to see him. So here's to you Jock for making something else wrong right.
hen I travelled 6,000 miles to find a culture of interdependence, to find warmth and learn a little of family, something wrong was made right. My heart softened watching the gentleness and kindness of possibly the wisest man I've ever met, although he asked more questions than any I'd met before either! I watched how he made his family, his cocern and affection for each member and I saw something else, something so rare. There was no closed door, it was a unit that lived open to others, I entered as 'younger sister' and 'older sister' 'aunt' and 'friend'. I learned hope and learned love as a verb, something that was wrong was made right.
And at almost exactly the same time D was trying to stop drinking for the first time in over a decade. He'd decided he wanted me to know he was okay and he couldn't do that till he stopped - in his understanding somethng that was wrong was made right.
The relief I felt, the joy that he was still in our world, to hug him sober, to tell him he never imagined a thing - he had always been beautiful to me, to hear from him he never forgot me, for me to be 'looked for' and found. With all I had just learned in another place I suddenly learned it existed in my country too. Something that was wrong was made right.
When I watched him cross legged on the sofa, I knew why I'd never wanted another man because of something deeper than love or even attraction, because something wrong had been made right.
One week in, when our mouths spoke in the same language as our hearts, defying our culture of independence and 'common sense' taking risk to lose what we had and without caution, our mouths spoke the same as our hearts. It wasn't a tomorrow thing in that conversation we married, our hearts had echoed each others and when our mouths found the same courage something that was wrong was made right.
This was where we began and where we still are as piece by piece, one by one, individually and together we take things that are wrong and put them right. Through all the pressure of the last month we never slept without holding each other, this is our relationship and it frames who we are because we want it this way. I say like two 10 year olds who cuddle and share secrets, talk to each other and look for each other. D says like old souls who find each other over and over again. Not instead of a 'normal marriage' this is our mutterings to each other about the thing on top that seems so rare, about what the counsellor saw and the doctor and friends that have never wished I married someone else, and my Mother told me she was jealous of, and my brother says he never knew could be real.
If I made this choice with any other man it would be such a huge mistake, I could never advise it to anyone because it doesn't need that. I came close to thinking this was a myth and I should settle for just a 'good' man, I think without the stroke of luck that had us meet that may have been my reality - except we did meet and it wasn't.
It isn't for all but for us, to walk through this talking together, being together, recovering together makes something that was wrong right.
I've learned to have a great deal of faith in life's surprises, I've learned things that are undoubtedly wrong and hurtful can be made right, things so deep that cut through us and leave us wrecked - even those things can be made right. Just one at a time and with hearts and mouths talking in the same language.
Sorry, I started then finished because it was inside and I want to try and speak what's inside. You're replies brought up the best of the things I think I've gained in the last decade!
A decade ago when D knew I loved him, he said the first person who ever had outside his family, something wrong was made right.
When I let him go because he went, when I chose not to look for him and watch something so precious get thinner and weaker, when I chose to grieve then carry on, something wrong was made right.
When I didn't know it but a part of him had decided to live, decided he was human not a freak, something wrong was made right. It was done by random acts of kindness, sometimes just a smile from a stranger, tiny footprints from other lives that I have NO doubt saved his, they never knew it but they made something wrong right.
His Grandfather told him life was beautiful and that just deciding to live was the start not the end, he had to begin living. D had travelled 250 miles by train to see his grandfather, his grandfather died just after their talk - D was the last to see him. So here's to you Jock for making something else wrong right.
hen I travelled 6,000 miles to find a culture of interdependence, to find warmth and learn a little of family, something wrong was made right. My heart softened watching the gentleness and kindness of possibly the wisest man I've ever met, although he asked more questions than any I'd met before either! I watched how he made his family, his cocern and affection for each member and I saw something else, something so rare. There was no closed door, it was a unit that lived open to others, I entered as 'younger sister' and 'older sister' 'aunt' and 'friend'. I learned hope and learned love as a verb, something that was wrong was made right.
And at almost exactly the same time D was trying to stop drinking for the first time in over a decade. He'd decided he wanted me to know he was okay and he couldn't do that till he stopped - in his understanding somethng that was wrong was made right.
The relief I felt, the joy that he was still in our world, to hug him sober, to tell him he never imagined a thing - he had always been beautiful to me, to hear from him he never forgot me, for me to be 'looked for' and found. With all I had just learned in another place I suddenly learned it existed in my country too. Something that was wrong was made right.
When I watched him cross legged on the sofa, I knew why I'd never wanted another man because of something deeper than love or even attraction, because something wrong had been made right.
One week in, when our mouths spoke in the same language as our hearts, defying our culture of independence and 'common sense' taking risk to lose what we had and without caution, our mouths spoke the same as our hearts. It wasn't a tomorrow thing in that conversation we married, our hearts had echoed each others and when our mouths found the same courage something that was wrong was made right.
This was where we began and where we still are as piece by piece, one by one, individually and together we take things that are wrong and put them right. Through all the pressure of the last month we never slept without holding each other, this is our relationship and it frames who we are because we want it this way. I say like two 10 year olds who cuddle and share secrets, talk to each other and look for each other. D says like old souls who find each other over and over again. Not instead of a 'normal marriage' this is our mutterings to each other about the thing on top that seems so rare, about what the counsellor saw and the doctor and friends that have never wished I married someone else, and my Mother told me she was jealous of, and my brother says he never knew could be real.
If I made this choice with any other man it would be such a huge mistake, I could never advise it to anyone because it doesn't need that. I came close to thinking this was a myth and I should settle for just a 'good' man, I think without the stroke of luck that had us meet that may have been my reality - except we did meet and it wasn't.
It isn't for all but for us, to walk through this talking together, being together, recovering together makes something that was wrong right.
I've learned to have a great deal of faith in life's surprises, I've learned things that are undoubtedly wrong and hurtful can be made right, things so deep that cut through us and leave us wrecked - even those things can be made right. Just one at a time and with hearts and mouths talking in the same language.
Sorry, I started then finished because it was inside and I want to try and speak what's inside. You're replies brought up the best of the things I think I've gained in the last decade!
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
That was beautiful. You and D are soulmates with an amazingly deep bond that only a lucky few have experienced. That's why I continue to cheer you on. He's worth the effort. Sending more hugs your way.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
So many of the twists and turns were formed by other people's actions, some I met, some maybe I will meet, some I'll never meet.
Standing back and re-reading that it makes me realise how important we are to each other and how many impacts we have on each other just as fellow humans. A Sri Lankan taxi driver helped change my life, a Rieki healer showed D kindness (which he always says was healing - but I think kindness is healing), it was the first thing he remembers after he'd lost 2 weeks - it got him home.
And the teacher who called him arrogant and shamed him? Piece by piece that's being made right too. D got new glasses on Sunday, returned for them when he forgot them this morning and was wearing them when I came home tonight. He asked me to take a picture of him wearing them for his Mum. Another thing that was wrong was made right!
This isn't mine, it's what happened because of so many good acts. Even our wonderful counsellor was a volunteer! It doesn't belong to me it belongs to everyone who ever smiled at someone lonely, chatted to a stranger, gave something to someone who needed it, loved someone and opened their family, defended someone, hugged a person crying, told someone that they are worth something, but mostly just smiled and cared.
I've been given a gift back from so many good hearts. Where do I begin to return such a huge gift?
Standing back and re-reading that it makes me realise how important we are to each other and how many impacts we have on each other just as fellow humans. A Sri Lankan taxi driver helped change my life, a Rieki healer showed D kindness (which he always says was healing - but I think kindness is healing), it was the first thing he remembers after he'd lost 2 weeks - it got him home.
And the teacher who called him arrogant and shamed him? Piece by piece that's being made right too. D got new glasses on Sunday, returned for them when he forgot them this morning and was wearing them when I came home tonight. He asked me to take a picture of him wearing them for his Mum. Another thing that was wrong was made right!
This isn't mine, it's what happened because of so many good acts. Even our wonderful counsellor was a volunteer! It doesn't belong to me it belongs to everyone who ever smiled at someone lonely, chatted to a stranger, gave something to someone who needed it, loved someone and opened their family, defended someone, hugged a person crying, told someone that they are worth something, but mostly just smiled and cared.
I've been given a gift back from so many good hearts. Where do I begin to return such a huge gift?
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