I tried to let him go.....*BUT**** don't understand
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I tried to let him go.....*BUT**** don't understand
Ok, I did what I said and I told him that ever since he started dating this girl, that I could not be a part of his life anymore. I said that my love for him caused heartache when I thought of the two being together...
What happened last night?
I called him that night and she answered his phone. I was really shocked because I was expecting him and that threw me for a loop. I asked her if he was around and I heard her talking in the background saying that I was on the phone. He did not get up to come to the phone but told her to tell me that he would call me back some other time.
It hurt me that he did not come to the phone for a second to tell me that he would call me another time, and he just let her say it.
My grandfather said that this showed a lack of respect for me. I was trying to not let that upset me with his action, but after listening to my grandpa, I realized that it did hurt me.
I think that since he is my friend and I didn't even know this girl, that he could have told me what he needed to say instead of me hearing it from her....
So of course I get hurt that he didn't come talk to me..........and I went to bed crying and my heart broken. But that is what prompted me to call and tell him ( on his voice mail****) that I could not be his friend while he is with her. I wished them both the best and happiness and said that I would respect them both and their new relationship..
He called me back today and was laughing . He said that it wasn't what I thought it was and said that he wasn't laughing at me, but the severity of what I thought the situation was. He said that they were not as serious as I made it out to be and he said that she wanted to meet me. He said that it was an interesting situation. I tried to back off, but he moved back forward...and she wants to meet me??????????? I don't know why, but I don't think it is a good idea.... because her new potential boyfriend is the love of my life and I just cannot let that be known... I do respect them....but it seems that he still wants me in his life too...
I do not understand at all...........I have no experience with this.
What happened last night?
I called him that night and she answered his phone. I was really shocked because I was expecting him and that threw me for a loop. I asked her if he was around and I heard her talking in the background saying that I was on the phone. He did not get up to come to the phone but told her to tell me that he would call me back some other time.
It hurt me that he did not come to the phone for a second to tell me that he would call me another time, and he just let her say it.
My grandfather said that this showed a lack of respect for me. I was trying to not let that upset me with his action, but after listening to my grandpa, I realized that it did hurt me.
I think that since he is my friend and I didn't even know this girl, that he could have told me what he needed to say instead of me hearing it from her....
So of course I get hurt that he didn't come talk to me..........and I went to bed crying and my heart broken. But that is what prompted me to call and tell him ( on his voice mail****) that I could not be his friend while he is with her. I wished them both the best and happiness and said that I would respect them both and their new relationship..
He called me back today and was laughing . He said that it wasn't what I thought it was and said that he wasn't laughing at me, but the severity of what I thought the situation was. He said that they were not as serious as I made it out to be and he said that she wanted to meet me. He said that it was an interesting situation. I tried to back off, but he moved back forward...and she wants to meet me??????????? I don't know why, but I don't think it is a good idea.... because her new potential boyfriend is the love of my life and I just cannot let that be known... I do respect them....but it seems that he still wants me in his life too...
I do not understand at all...........I have no experience with this.
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I have no idea why she would want to meet me. Or why he would talk to her about me on the *first* date.
that may just give her the impression that he is into me..which he is not....but she may still wonder.
that may just give her the impression that he is into me..which he is not....but she may still wonder.
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And...that would be sooooo uncomfortable. Here I am, totally in love with this guy, sitting right next to his next potential girlfriend. If this isn't the ingredients of disaster, I don't know what is.
I on't know her so I have no clue as to why she is interesting in talking to me.
I on't know her so I have no clue as to why she is interesting in talking to me.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: western canada
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Hey Angel....
Do I think it's strange that your friend wants you to meet another of his friends...?
no.. why should it...
the problem is that we always feel the need to make everything fit into our neatly prearranged little boxes of expectations...
I've come to see for myself that we can love people in many different ways... and that one love doesn't preclude another...
but.. ownership does..
I am learning to accept the love that is offered...
cause.. I'm supposed to be emotionally, physicly and spiritually investing in my own life.. and another's love is just a bonus...
Unconditional love is just that...
other than that... one is just grooving on an expectation... and the greater and more plentiful the expectations... the more it's gonna hurt....
That's my take on love anyway.. ;o)
Do I think it's strange that your friend wants you to meet another of his friends...?
no.. why should it...
the problem is that we always feel the need to make everything fit into our neatly prearranged little boxes of expectations...
I've come to see for myself that we can love people in many different ways... and that one love doesn't preclude another...
but.. ownership does..
I am learning to accept the love that is offered...
cause.. I'm supposed to be emotionally, physicly and spiritually investing in my own life.. and another's love is just a bonus...
Unconditional love is just that...
other than that... one is just grooving on an expectation... and the greater and more plentiful the expectations... the more it's gonna hurt....
That's my take on love anyway.. ;o)
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Highlands, TX
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Experience - with a twist
Hi, I just found this board so I don't know the whole background on this but when I read this I wanted to share a similar experience I had 19 years ago and how it turned out.
I was dating someone that I loved. He met someone else, named Donna, and started telling me about her all the time. Needless to say I developed a huge resentment against her. He was also telling her all about me and needless to say she wasn't thrilled to hear about me either.
To make a very long story short, she won (although now I wonder who really won!) and I was relegated to "just a friend" with this guy and D. was the "love of his life". I didn't take it well and absolutely hated D. In my mind she was the cause of all of this.
I continued to be friends with this guy and he began a campaign to get D and I together which neither of us had absolutely no interest in. If I was over visiting him and she called he would hand me the phone. And if she was there and I called he would do the same thing.
I met someone else and we all frequented the same club. We ended up being thrown together out in public. D and I would "make nice" with each other but still there were the weird feelings.
This continued and I ended up pregnant by the person I was dating. D's relationship progressed and they ended up getting married. I was invited to the wedding and believe it or not I went! It was the most heartbreaking this ever to sit in a church and watch her marry someone I still loved.
Fast forward a few months. After they got married, I basically accepted that I couldn't have him but that I still wanted him in my life so we continued to socialize. I had my baby and their house was the first place we "visited" and D was the first person to hold my son outside of family. A year later we had become really close. Seeing their marriage close up, I saw things about this "wonderful" man I would have never guessed and was privy to what living with him was actually like.
They ended up divorced and D and I became best friends. 19 years later we are still best friends! To add another twist to this, we are both now friendly with him and his current wife T. It makes for quite a story when we are out and about. We have him, the ex-girlfriend, the ex-wife and the current wife LOL!
I know now that he was sick. He always wanted something that he couldn't have. Once they began having problems he renewed his interest in me and I was forced to make a choice. I chose my relationship with D. Then he found the current wife and has continued to flirt with both D and myself at times when he finds the chips are down with T. He has a problem.
As I said, I know nothing of your story and I am giving no advice whatsoever, I just wanted you to know how this situation that sounds similar to mine turned out. I did not want D crammed down my throat any more than she wanted me crammed down hers but thank God he did because I ended up with the sister I never had.
I realize this is a bizarre way for things to turn out so I would have to say that if you are in pain, then stay away and don't put yourself in a position to be hurt further. Listen to your gut, it is seldom wrong, at least in my experience. Take care of yourself and do whatever you have to do for YOU. If that means severing ties, then so be it. Good luck to you!
Take care,
K.
I was dating someone that I loved. He met someone else, named Donna, and started telling me about her all the time. Needless to say I developed a huge resentment against her. He was also telling her all about me and needless to say she wasn't thrilled to hear about me either.
To make a very long story short, she won (although now I wonder who really won!) and I was relegated to "just a friend" with this guy and D. was the "love of his life". I didn't take it well and absolutely hated D. In my mind she was the cause of all of this.
I continued to be friends with this guy and he began a campaign to get D and I together which neither of us had absolutely no interest in. If I was over visiting him and she called he would hand me the phone. And if she was there and I called he would do the same thing.
I met someone else and we all frequented the same club. We ended up being thrown together out in public. D and I would "make nice" with each other but still there were the weird feelings.
This continued and I ended up pregnant by the person I was dating. D's relationship progressed and they ended up getting married. I was invited to the wedding and believe it or not I went! It was the most heartbreaking this ever to sit in a church and watch her marry someone I still loved.
Fast forward a few months. After they got married, I basically accepted that I couldn't have him but that I still wanted him in my life so we continued to socialize. I had my baby and their house was the first place we "visited" and D was the first person to hold my son outside of family. A year later we had become really close. Seeing their marriage close up, I saw things about this "wonderful" man I would have never guessed and was privy to what living with him was actually like.
They ended up divorced and D and I became best friends. 19 years later we are still best friends! To add another twist to this, we are both now friendly with him and his current wife T. It makes for quite a story when we are out and about. We have him, the ex-girlfriend, the ex-wife and the current wife LOL!
I know now that he was sick. He always wanted something that he couldn't have. Once they began having problems he renewed his interest in me and I was forced to make a choice. I chose my relationship with D. Then he found the current wife and has continued to flirt with both D and myself at times when he finds the chips are down with T. He has a problem.
As I said, I know nothing of your story and I am giving no advice whatsoever, I just wanted you to know how this situation that sounds similar to mine turned out. I did not want D crammed down my throat any more than she wanted me crammed down hers but thank God he did because I ended up with the sister I never had.
I realize this is a bizarre way for things to turn out so I would have to say that if you are in pain, then stay away and don't put yourself in a position to be hurt further. Listen to your gut, it is seldom wrong, at least in my experience. Take care of yourself and do whatever you have to do for YOU. If that means severing ties, then so be it. Good luck to you!
Take care,
K.
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: North Andover, MA
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You're right on the mark bike..."I'm supposed to be emotionally, physically, and spiritually investing my my own life...and another's (unconditional) love is just a bonus.
We get so wrapped up in the drama that we create when our expectations of another don't go as planned. I honestly think that that is another form of addiction. Try as we might convince ourselves that we aren't enjoying it...I think we actually are. It feeds our insanity by making us feel ALIVE...in the sick sorta way.
We have absolutely no control over other people's actions...and we might think ourselves into the frenzied..."why, why, WHY's?" over what they did. Who knows why your friend called and said that you're overreacting and that this other girl wants to meet you? They may (or may not) even be addicted to the game too. And, to me...that's exactly what it sounds like. This guy KNOWS how you feel about him--as you've said you told him. Yet, he toys with your mind by doing the things he does??? I'm sorry...that's a game to me.
All you can do, is step away and focus on taking care of yourself--strengthen your defenses...especially spiritually. Only HP knows the Truth of other's actions, and I believe that basic law of karma--whatever you put out into the world comes back to you three-fold. If someone is out to hurt you, or is only concerned with their own selfish gains (as this guy sounds like to me...although HE may not even see it) he will be vindicated.
I know...I know...I KNOW how hard it is to step away...take care of yourself...etc. but if you're to be truly happy, you can't avoid pain. I've learned that whenever something causes me discomfort (especially when it comes to "love") I can't get over the pain by circumnavigating the unpleasantness of it.I have to go THROUGH it in order to get OVER it. Right now...extra prayer...meditation...whatever you do to get connected with HP is needed. You're not alone, and Something Greater Than Yourself is listening, protecting, comforting and guiding you through these most difficult times. Trust in the process. Turn off your mind. Don't be consumed with the "little me" and the questions running through your mind over what other people's motives are.
My thoughts are with you...know that you are very much cared for in ways that you probably don't even realize!
Danielle
We get so wrapped up in the drama that we create when our expectations of another don't go as planned. I honestly think that that is another form of addiction. Try as we might convince ourselves that we aren't enjoying it...I think we actually are. It feeds our insanity by making us feel ALIVE...in the sick sorta way.
We have absolutely no control over other people's actions...and we might think ourselves into the frenzied..."why, why, WHY's?" over what they did. Who knows why your friend called and said that you're overreacting and that this other girl wants to meet you? They may (or may not) even be addicted to the game too. And, to me...that's exactly what it sounds like. This guy KNOWS how you feel about him--as you've said you told him. Yet, he toys with your mind by doing the things he does??? I'm sorry...that's a game to me.
All you can do, is step away and focus on taking care of yourself--strengthen your defenses...especially spiritually. Only HP knows the Truth of other's actions, and I believe that basic law of karma--whatever you put out into the world comes back to you three-fold. If someone is out to hurt you, or is only concerned with their own selfish gains (as this guy sounds like to me...although HE may not even see it) he will be vindicated.
I know...I know...I KNOW how hard it is to step away...take care of yourself...etc. but if you're to be truly happy, you can't avoid pain. I've learned that whenever something causes me discomfort (especially when it comes to "love") I can't get over the pain by circumnavigating the unpleasantness of it.I have to go THROUGH it in order to get OVER it. Right now...extra prayer...meditation...whatever you do to get connected with HP is needed. You're not alone, and Something Greater Than Yourself is listening, protecting, comforting and guiding you through these most difficult times. Trust in the process. Turn off your mind. Don't be consumed with the "little me" and the questions running through your mind over what other people's motives are.
My thoughts are with you...know that you are very much cared for in ways that you probably don't even realize!
Danielle
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Join Date: Jul 2004
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Hey Cheryl--I already responded to this situation in a reply to your PM and explained how it is difficult for me to remain objective on this subject, but I feel I have to say again how it seems to me that continuing the relationship with this guy is going to bring you nothing but heartache. He KNOWS how you feel about him but wants you to meet his new girlfriend? What is that all about? Your instincts are telling you to stay away--that this is not a good idea. In my experience, when I don't do what my instincts tell me to do I get myself in trouble. I don't mean to be hurtful but what if this guy is just keeping you around because he likes the attention. To call you and laugh about the situation is just cruel. If he really knows how you feel and respects you as a person and a friend, he will let you go. That's my take on the situation (or at least part of it), take it how you wish. I would hate to see you hurt more by this guy.
Hugs--
Hugs--
Keep On Keepin' On....
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Alberta
Posts: 41
You have discussed this man many o' time in these rooms, angel...and the answers are usually the same...GIVE HIM UP!! The fact that he phoned laughing and wants you to meet her are huge red flags are far as I'm concerned. It seems to me that he's trying to have his cake and eat it too.
I would just walk away from this guy, and let the situation lie. . .if he is disrespecting you, it's not worth your time anyway. I think ultimately you would be far better off to leave him to do what he's ultimately going to do anyways, and you just go on with your life. Waiting on this guy is futile, and it's only going to hurt you! The best thing to do is to let go and let god.
Cheers!
Michelle
I would just walk away from this guy, and let the situation lie. . .if he is disrespecting you, it's not worth your time anyway. I think ultimately you would be far better off to leave him to do what he's ultimately going to do anyways, and you just go on with your life. Waiting on this guy is futile, and it's only going to hurt you! The best thing to do is to let go and let god.
Cheers!
Michelle
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Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Charlotte,NC
Posts: 167
What is the meaning of an interesting situation?
He said that it was an interesting situation. I tried to back off, but he moved back forward...and she wants to meet me???????????
Now either the two of them are just good friends, or there is some hanky panky going on between them. From what you have said, I would be very leery of this situation.
I've seen some crazy crap in this life between couples, and this chick wanting to meet you doesn't sound right. I don't know this woman's orientation at all, but she could very well be up for a threesome. I've seen it happen.
He said that it was an interesting situation. I tried to back off, but he moved back forward...and she wants to meet me???????????
Now either the two of them are just good friends, or there is some hanky panky going on between them. From what you have said, I would be very leery of this situation.
I've seen some crazy crap in this life between couples, and this chick wanting to meet you doesn't sound right. I don't know this woman's orientation at all, but she could very well be up for a threesome. I've seen it happen.
Stronger every day!
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: PA
Posts: 191
Honey,this guy is a sicko in some sense or other. I've been involved in a similar situation too, and I think I missed a couple posts about this but I could tell from your posts about the trip you were supposed to take with him that fell through that there were more than just "best friend" feelings on YOUR side. I NEVER sensed any from his. My take on it is kinda like Laura's--he wants his cake and eat it too. He knows you are the good old reliable girl who loves him no matter how much he sh*ts on you and yet he still searches outside for something else....what? It doesn't matter. I see this all the time with the guys in my group (I think you know I am a therapist, right?) and how they treat their wives/girlfriends. And believe me, most of them have both. One guy's wife AND girlfriend are BOTH preggers right now. Tell me THAT isn't whack.
Long and short of it, this guy is toxic for you, sweetie....and will only continue to erode your already faltering self esteem. You've already realized that this is a huge trigger for you to pick up, because when you are feeling crappy about yourself and sitting on the pity pot, you normally only get off the pot to go use, right?
NO ONE.....I MEAN NO FREAKING ONE......is worth losing your sobriety and the self respect you lose with it every time you pick up again. ESPECIALLY more so when you are not getting anything back from them, you know?? I don't think I ever asked you.....is HE also an addict/alkie?? If so, you really might want to think about going to Alanon or Naranon to learn how to deal with the codependent stuff you are going through. It'd be worth the investment in time since that is such a big trigger for you in your own struggles. If not, maybe a CODA group?
Remember, ANY investment in yourself is time well spent. And YOU ARE WORTH THAT TIME.
Love, Genie
Long and short of it, this guy is toxic for you, sweetie....and will only continue to erode your already faltering self esteem. You've already realized that this is a huge trigger for you to pick up, because when you are feeling crappy about yourself and sitting on the pity pot, you normally only get off the pot to go use, right?
NO ONE.....I MEAN NO FREAKING ONE......is worth losing your sobriety and the self respect you lose with it every time you pick up again. ESPECIALLY more so when you are not getting anything back from them, you know?? I don't think I ever asked you.....is HE also an addict/alkie?? If so, you really might want to think about going to Alanon or Naranon to learn how to deal with the codependent stuff you are going through. It'd be worth the investment in time since that is such a big trigger for you in your own struggles. If not, maybe a CODA group?
Remember, ANY investment in yourself is time well spent. And YOU ARE WORTH THAT TIME.
Love, Genie
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