polkadot

I have never been so depressed. I started back taking the pain pills and then quit for about a month.....did well, so i thought, but seem to find other things to get through the day...anything!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i don't think i can make it without somehting life is so stressful these days. my sister's trial where she passed away due to the dr.'s negligence is starting. she was everything to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! a part of me died with her... I just want to die. i need this board today....i am at work and have cried for three days now. my boyfriend of 6 years six my husband passed away and i are broke up and i am just LOST...and scared...any advice is appreciated. everything is bad...when i say everything i mean everything. i live by myself and feel i am better off just to be gone...only person that needs me is my stepdaugher april and sometimes i feel i bring her down... obviously from my state of mind. i have no one to talk to about howi am feeling...is it the drugs??is it depression??? i don't know except i want it all to stop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FaeryQueen

oh goodness polkadot.
I could have written your post a year ago. I was strung out on pain pills and wine and every time I would try to quit I found myself in a suicidal depression with my mind racing and devouring me. It really was horrible. Sometimes I couldn't even move but my thoughts never stopped their frantic pace.
I finally asked for help. I really just wanted somebody to rescue me, but I had to ask for help. I found a solution in AA. It really wasn't what thought it was. It saved my life.
Please Keep Reaching Out
Peace and Love
Tanya

Irish Virus

Hang in there Polka:

I can't speak for anyone else on this board, but I've felt like you have to some degree or another before. Life's a b!tch at times and I believe God gives a cross to bear to test our faith and our resolve. This is a time I suggest that praying to God wouldn't be
a bad idea.

Think of something good as hard as it might be. Things will turn around eventually.

Keep the faith Rocky Top Girl.

BSPGirl

I'm sorry for your losses, seems you got a lot on your plate. *hugs* PM me if you want to talk.

nogard

Hi Polka,

Your daughter certainly needs you and so do we and probably a lot of other people. Death is so final, better to stick around and see what happens, stick around long enough and keep clean and things WILL look different.

My heart goes out to you, just keep clean for today, one day at a time, post here and find someone to talk to face to face. Do you have a program? It sure helps me.

nogard

polkadot

thanks to everyone for your kind, helpful workds. it seeems like my family depends on my so much. i cant do it anymore. i am at work and trying to hold it together. so far so good. but when i got off tonight...i am scared..alone with my thoughts and feelings. I have beeen praying but i don't understand God and i know we are not suppose to understand all.........but look at the hurrican...people dying....my dad is a preacher and i asked him and he said it is the bible being full filled...welll if it was one of our families over thiere...oh my.... i just feel empty. i will respond as soon as i can (pm'ing) the ones who said i could... i am ususally so happy. i am the one everyone turns to....and i can't do it anymore!

polkadot

duplicate

Anna

Hi Polkadot,

You can PM me anytime too!

I'm sorry you're so down, and I have felt like you do too. You ask whether it is the drugs or depression and I think you have to stop the drugs and see how you feel before you can answer that. You might find that, after a short time, you begin to feel better. Or maybe not. Then you'd have your answer. I was depressed long before I started drinking so I knew the answer to that question, in my case.

Try to not watch the news tonight and do something nice for yourself. Give yourself a special treat, watch a movie and relax. Things will get better for you.

Love, Anna

lulu70

If you need to, you can borrow my "god" for a while. My higher power comes from within me, you, the sun, moon, stars and all the living things in our world. My higher power has nothing to do with things like hurricanes, floods, wars, or disease. My higher power gives me support, love, courage, understanding, and peace when I need it most. All I have to do is ask. If you ask, you can get the same.......

Love and hugs to you--
Hang in there--

polkadot

thanks, yeah i know the news doesn't help...my daughter just left. she is my step daughter her father and mother is passed away. thats what i hang on to..she needs me.she told me i am all she has... i feel selfish to feel this way because i use to not understand people who felt this way...now here i am and can't make it go away. i have prayed all day in the car in this office begging for him to take this away. i really don't even want the drugs i would really rather have it end.....but i will not give up yet....i live alone and dread so bad going home with my thoughts and feelsing. but knowig i that you all are here to talk to does help so much. i am squawling while i am writitng this....but it means so much to have someone to vent to.... and yes i think depression starting me abusing drugs....i started getting them from a dr. over my knee surgery and while i found they numbed me and made me feel good. i hate them right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i have been doing lots of other drugs to get by no one would ever imagine me doing.....rationalizing that well it aint pain pills. well there all bad when your tryiing to escape...because i can't keep on/ i am going to od on them, and worrywhat april, my dauighter thinks of me, or lose everything and everyone i have. when my sister died i just wanted so bad to go with her.......she was everything to me.. a mom, a best friend, and a sister. she died during gastric bypass which i told her to get and then i would, kidding about it......never in a million years thinking she wouldn't make it... she lived five weeks in hell, because of the dr. negligence, who i blame. but i prayed so hard for god to heal her..........and she layed and suffered. i told her a million times i was sorry and i did get to tell her bye she died after i kissed her on her mouth i told her to go and be with god.....she fought i know so hard...my last memories is taking ice away from her after her begging me for it...because of the stupid nurse said she couldn't have it... i made her get up and walk not knowing she was dying slowing from being septic....sorry for rambling......i have so many things i block out....ican't even stand to think about. thanks again for anyone who took time to read this.....tonight i will be okay i will hang on...... i will take it one day at a time. i just don't find happiness in nothing...no tv(which is broke) no music(reminds me of mary, we use to make up dances all the time) anyway i have went on enough...just please keep me in your prayers and all those other poor people in new orleans. i wish i was there and i could snatch them up and put them in my house.....they want to live and i am ready to call it quits....strange isnt' it????

FriendofBill

Hi Polkadot....

I feel your pain, honey, you dont have to go home. Find a 12 step meeting and go there,,aa or na...you will find the number in the phone book or 411.

You dont ever have to be alone again...these people in those meetings have been where you are and found a way out. If it can happen for them, then of course it can happen for you.

Please, just call them,,,they will talk to you over the phone, thats what they are there for. The need to help you to help themselves,,,are you willing to help yourself tonight? I hope so....

CAPTAINZING2000

I'm glad to see you on here I've missed you
everyone wants to be loved. You ae a loving person, you've been thru a lot. Don't be too hard on your self

hugs

Chris

Anna

Hi Polkadot,

I'm so sorry for what you have gone through.

First let me say, if you were depressed before you started taking pills, then maybe you need to see a dr. I was depressed for years and finally resorted to alcohol to self-medicate. That led to 3 years of hell. At that point I got meds for depression that worked and my whole world changed. I never would have believed it possible. Maybe you could think about that possibility.

Second, you have a step-daugher who really, really needs you, a young girl who has no mom or dad and needs you. That is so important and such a gift for you. Hang onto that.

Then, about your sister's death - it sounds absolutely awful. But, you should not be blaming yourself. She was in a hospital with doctors and nurses and trained people to look after her and they didn't know what was wrong. How could you have known? You were there with your sister and you did what you could. She was lucky to have to you with her when she died.

You deserve to live and there is so much hope.

Love, Anna

polkadot

to lulu: i will try that, thank you.....thank all of you!!!!!!!!!its been a while since i have been on this board and i knew you all are such good people and non judgmental. that means so much...its so busy here which is a god sent in itself...i have not have timet o think to much......you all are so wonderful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!i am asking for help from my higher power to help me to get through this. i have no insurance and just got out of school....actually even graduated with honors....had my life planned out....now it all seems to much...thanks again..to all of you that responded...good advice...i know you understand where i am coming frorm.....if someone had told me four years ago i would be an addict and this depressed that i didn't want to exist... i would have thought they were nuts.... but here i am

polkadot

thanks chris...for kind words....and anna i did self medicate...i was depressed when my husband died, who was an alcholic....then i met rodger, who i thought was my night and shining armour...WRONG! six years later i realize we are so diffferent. anyway he is a good guy but he is not for me. i realize that now. i can't be what he wants and i have to be me!!! which aint so good all the time....he said i bring him down....welll i told him to go on and find someone who makes him happy. anna, then my sister died and i feel so alone and i used drugs majorly then...i mean everything when i come off pain pills.. to cope...now i yhaven't taken nothing in two days..and i find myself so emotional i can't stand it...i don't want to do drugs no more. i went to a na meetings while back and was offered my drug of chose actually. so i quit going. rodger, my ex boyfriend, said its like churches you go to different ones to find the one thats best for you....but i just quit

CAPTAINZING2000

sweetie drugs or drinking is an escape from the things we don't like in life.

You are a loving person, there's someone out there don't turn to anything that will only block the pain and not give you happiness

FaeryQueen

polkadot
I am sorry you had that experience in NA. What a first impression....YIKES! Believe me you can find a group that is right for you. When you get to the point of being suicidal you really don't have anyplace to go but up! So, just get out there and try some other groups...Reach out to the women you find there.
I know that when I was in my addiction, I thought I was taking good care of everyone in my life, but I was really a codependant mess...with nothing real to offer them...until I got into recovery.
Peace and Love
Keep Coming Back
Tanya