Old Soul

A few months ago I posted a progressive thread in the Nar-anon forum about a situation I was going thru, I'll ge to that later.

I've had two major codependent relationships in my life.

The first one involved a high school girlfriend who didn't happen to be an addict but had some personal issues (self-mutilation/etc) that forced me to realize I couldn't date her. I caused myself alot of misery over it and spent a great amount of time dealing with it and blaming myself for things. Finally at some point we had a firm separation and didn't talk for a few years. I got over it--without al-anon/etc: somehow over time the obsession was lifted and I was able to be at peace with it, probably because we didn't speak for about 4 years. Today we are friends--very good friends, and it is nothing like it was before. I am completely happy and fullfilled with our relationship, and completely at peace with it (no obsessions, codependency, getting caught up in other peoples problems, etc). We have a real relationship--it is not the relationship I had envisioned in my codependent type fantasies, but a better one I had ever imagined, because I don't feel I have to control it. We both have our problems, but I MYSELF accept her for who she is and very happy to have her in my life. It truly is a miracle.

Now, recently I had a destructive codependent relationship (with an addict/alcoholic gf/x-gf) for which I recently separated from due to the fact I moved several thousand miles away and haven't made contact. Initially after discussing my intention to move we had made plans to 'keep in touch', but she blew me off several days before I left. I actually caught her in a lie--she had told me she would be out of state my remaining days in town and wouldn't be able to see me before I left. The day before I left I saw her walking across the street (when she was said she would be out of town)--she saw me and rushed hurriedly to her car. I didn't say anything to her or call her out on it, I just let her go. I have no idea why she did it, and quite frankly at this point in time it is not important. I will not contact her, I will just let it be. I still care though--very much so, but it is time to move on with MY life and start focusing on ME (something I hadn't done for over a year). Its better for both of us that we go our separate paths on our own for now, and maybe forever.

I guess my question is has everyone had similar experiences with this, where they simply just 'let go' and moved on, without the help of Al-anon? I have found these boards very helpful for insight--I simply haven't sought out Al-anon.

I am not negating the positives of the program--it clearly works for others. I am not denying that I won't be in a position to choose it in the future either--maybe I just haven't hit my bottom and will have to deal with my own personal codependency issues in the future.

Part of me still wants to 'control' the future or at least concoct a set result in my mind as to how this situation will be resolved down the road--ultimately resulting in our coming to peace with eachother. I'm sure that will heal with time. Who knows--we may never see eachother again, and I'm sure with time I will be able to accept that as well. I feel like overall I have a pretty good perspective on situations like these and how they pertain to me, its just sometimes I have had the negative tendency of beating myself over the head with a hammer until I get things right in my action and perception of a troubling situation.

I'm just bouncing this off y'all--I've found this website to be very helpful.

best

Al Anon, AA, NA, Nar Anon are resources and tools.

I can change a flat tire using an adjustable wrench or I can use the speed wrench designed for changing a tire.
Both work, one works easier.

Al Anon will show you the right tools or you can try to collect them on your own and do things on your own.

Two working together get things done faster and easier then one working alone. Why work hard when you can work smart?

I did things on my own and I know that if I used a program and the support of others, things would have been settled a lot faster. Still things had gotten done. There were easier ways though.

No matter what your choice, prayers go with you.

minnie

Welcome, Old Soul.

You could always try going to a few CODA meetings to see if they fit better than Al-anon. There is a codie Step Study as a "sticky" on the nar-anon board. Personally, I think people-pleasing is really common and causes untold damage to relationships of all kinds. Alternatively, counselling could work wonders too.

Hope you stick around here.

Old Soul

Everything will be cool--I have faith in it.

I conveniently forgot to mention I have OCD, and generally when my negative 'obsessions' (they have involved subjects that have NOT revolved around people as well) have run their course, I'm immune to them, and unanamously. Its kinda like Chicken Pox.

I suppose my current issue in regards to this situation is 'extrapalating' (in my own head) that the current situation will be OK, just like the first one mentioned in my original post. Thats something I need to work on.

I should also re-iterate that I am not against Al-anon/CODA and don't want to give others the wrong impression. I have found TONS of insight on these boards, and am very thankful for it.

I should also mention that since moving away, life as already been a TON better. Its not perfect, but not being involved in a destructive relationship and all its insanity has been a big, big relief. Now I need to assess myself and learn to avoid the types of people that are 'triggers' for me. That will require some honesty and insight.

I moved for alot of reasons, mostly because I like the risk/adventure aspect of it, and I wont be afforded these types of opportunities when I'm older and have tie downs. This 'relief' has obviously been a collateral benefit.

Thanks.

nocellphone

Incredible post, Best... Thank you so much for putting your thoughts into words and sharing them here.

D'ya think I should get a tattoo of this, or would that be tacky?

best

Depends on where you put the tat *LOL*

TexasGirl

Hi Old Soul,
I'm still very much in the learning side of this, but I wanted to share anyway.

I get to points in my relationship with my AH where I think I finally have to leave him. I got the closest to leaving that I have gotten so far this last week. I had a job interview scheduled for yesterday in another city and had visited with potential roommates from an online service. Then it hit me...just because I leave this relationship doesn't mean I won't wind up in another one just like it someday. I realized that just leaving a relationship doesn't change my relationship tendencies at all. So I cancelled my interview and got over the idea of leaving. I scheduled an appointment with a counselor, and I plan to try my first Al-Anon. Maybe someday I will decide it is right to leave my AH. Maybe not. But I can see now that I just might need help fixing me a bit first. Maybe you can apply that to your situation. I don't know your life story or all the details, but it initially seems like you have ended relationships with these women, but never addressed the underlying issue. That's what I determined for me anyway...

FriendofBill

Yup,I did without al-anon for few years, after I had been in for 12...

was the worst time of my life,,got more and more addicted, demoralized and desperate.

Hey whatever works for you I just know it didnt work for me on the outside.
The 12 steps are not for those that need it, just for those that want it.

Good luck!

Old Soul

Great responses and insights on all of these, thank you.

The main reason I proposed this question was due to the fact I had 'recovered' from one codependent relationship without Al-Anon to the point where it is a healthy friendship now, without any of the previous insanity that had troubled me so many years ago. The reason it was somewhat perplexing to me is (from my understanding) codependency is very similar to alcoholism--you can't stay away and have just 'one'. Does that make sense, in the context of my 'healed' relationship?

Another great, great insight I came across was on another thread similar to this one: Have a place for hope, but no place for expectations, because thats where resentment and insanity come from in codependent relationships. That helped me immensely. Detach, and when hope has a place (without expectations) the heart is free. Great stuff--I can see now where my 'expectations' in BOTH these relationships had cause me (and most likely the other persons involved) some distress.

I don't deny there is a good chance the 'game' will remain the same, but the players will be different. That is something I will have to reflect upon in regards to myself, and more than likely have to have some self honesty over.

lunasol

old soul,

i'm in a similar situation as you... i just moved, leaving an alcoholic. we had this really bizarre, intense friendship, which was really good when it was good and really hard when it was bad. well, i thought it was "bizarre" until i started talking to other people who had been involved with addicts and realized that it was pretty classic codependence.

he's extremely self-destructive right now, and it's almost physically painful to even talk to him. so, i've been trying to do the loving detachment thing, but it is damn hard, even with him so far away. the hardest thing is accepting that i cannot control what is going to happen with him or with us.

here's a link to my post from a few days ago about this situation:

lunasol's post

i got some helpful repsonses.

i find it is sooooooo immensely helpful to talk with friends who have been through this. and, to be honest, pretty unhelpful to talk with most people who haven't. so i've been thinking about cehcking out al anon, if only get an idea about how i can avoid situations like this in the future.

i don't know if this post is helpful... but i know for me, it was a relief to know that others had gone through this and come out ok.

Old Soul

Yes--I read that post, its a good one.

Our 'friendship' was weird. Alot of lingering tension and 'stuff' we didn't talk about. It was big mind game really. I DO care--I think this person knows that, but I won't be reaching out. There is nothing good or helpful I can do for myself (or her) by calling, writing a 'closure letter', etc.

best

Or have you?

I did it on my own.... so I thought. What I didn't know till I later learned what steps are and how they work, I was working some of the steps and being sponsored in a suttle manner. Only working some of the steps, I thought for years I am cured and sober. When I started working on all the steps, all of me started to grow and heal.

Guess what I am trying to say... stick around and see what else you may learn from Anon. What people share with you here, just may be Anon lessons they have learned.