He's There!

Old 11-19-2002, 01:48 PM
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He's There!

Hello all:

What a difference a day makes! (good title for a song, and I think it's becoming my theme song). My son finally did go to his father's in Nevada. He arrived at 2:00 am. My X said he had to go rescue him (what else is new) because his truck that he spent thousands of dollars rebuilding broke down. Well, that same day his Dad said he got an interview for a job, had his license changed and was about to transfer his plasters' license there too. Wow! I was so impressed I got on my knees and thanked God! I talked to my son and he was crying but said he was going to make it if it took him a year or 5 years.

My husband was furious because he said I was doing the "Mother" thing again and crying and telling him everything was going to be ok, etc. you know, like Mother's do!

We got into a huge donnybrook over the son again! He said, I should have said great sounds like all is ok and then said I've got to go.

Sounded unreasonable to me because I instead gave him the pep talk and the "you can do it" spirit, and said I'm proud of you (here's the guy who just thrashed his girlfriends house three days before. Of course, is very remorseful). My husband reminded me of this and I was so angry with him. We went to bed angry at each other...with him saying, "where's my passport" as he's from Italy (and I told him where it was).

Guess I got mad at the wrong person because the son called first thing this morning telling me how cold it is and how he didn't even have a hanger to hang his clothes on (Dad is building a log cabin and is living out of a trailer with wife, step-daughter, two small children and four dogs). My son is used to clean, tidy, organized! He said he bought a towel and they used it to clean the floor with! He said his clothes are wrinkled and they don't own an iron.

I said, I thought you were starting a job today (imagine he got a job as a hod-carrier, which is what you do before you become a plasterer). He said, he did and was waiting for them to call and tell him when to start. Last night he had the job and was starting today. He said $12.00 an hour...pretty lousy, when he can make 500.00 a day at his own job. I said it's a start, soon you may be running the job. I said the cost of living is less, there's no state tax, and everything else I could think of to keep his spirit up! You know how it ended up?? My telling him not to call until he had something positive to talk about!

Now what? My husband is right! I keep on baby-ing him and he can't let go of me, even though as the others said they don't want your advice. Guess, I better hide the passport because I have some major "kissing up" to do. I'm going to tie my hands and tape my mouth so I don't answer the phone the next time he calls! My husband said, if I keep it up the son will earn a couple of hundred dollars and then be back here terrorizing everyone again! Yipes! Why is he always right?

I'm praying that if I do my part right, he'll get his life together! I know I ramble and hope ya'll won't get bored with my problems, but I need to ask one question.

He's about to be sued by the homeowner he left in the lurch. I could probably help her out by sending the law suit to his bond company. Also could possibly save his license by sending his medical information to the contractor's board since he was just diagnosed at being bipolar on 10/14/02. Should I? Vote Yes or No!

I feel horrible that he has this disease but I also think drugs are involved. I sent the pills to him yesterday as he didn't take them with him. He says he doesn't need them. What the heck should I do?

Thanks for listening....Devastated

:o
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Old 11-19-2002, 08:17 PM
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I vote no on getting involved with saving his license and there is nothing you can do if he doesn't want to take medication. He has that right.

He left the job unfinished. If you left a job unfinished who would bail you out? If I don't do my job then it doesn't get done. If I don't do my job I get fired. This is one of the reasons I do my job. If you bail him out of this then what does that teach him? Who will bail him out when you are not around anymore. How will he learn his lessons and grow?

He is having no natural consequences for all his bad behavior. He is manipulating and quacking. He isn't taking responsibility for his actions. Why should you take responsibility for his actions?

You have all been the victim this week and the person whos job was not finished was also a victim. How did your son become the victim in this? What did anyone do to him?

Ok, now I know I was kind of blunt, but I also know how you feel and how we are tied in emotionally. It's good to look at things so it helps us break the unhealthy bonds.

I'm glad he made it to his dads. I know you will do the best you can do right now and make the decisions you are emotionally capable of making. We grow a step at a time. Do the best you can and keep learning and keep growing. We need to keep reminding each other.

Hugs,
MG
 
Old 11-19-2002, 09:58 PM
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Devastated,

I just read your post to me on my other thread. That story of your Mother and her brother? is a good lesson for all of us. They do make it without us. Look at your son right now. Already got a job and is capable of taking care of himself. My son has done the same thing. It is so hard though when they pour it on.

I really think your husband is right and I wish we could think so logically without the emotions. It just takes practice for us. The last time I kicked my son out for drinking he got a drunk in public arrest. I could go to the judge and say he was drunk in public because I made him leave and locked him out. I won't do that because the rule here was no drinking at my home. He broke the rule so drunk in public was the consequence.

We need to keep practicing.

Hugs,
MG
 
Old 11-19-2002, 11:32 PM
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Hi Devastated,
I vote No also. I agree with M.G. and
your husband.
Have you read the "sticky" columns at
the top of the forums-good reading.
Practice, practice, practice. Devastated,
I have done all you are doing. I have
been working on this since February (every
day) and I'm making progress.
There's a saying here-Hands Off The Addict-Step Away From The Addict!!!
Put that focus on your recovery and that
wise hubby of yours. And let the boy-
(man) figure this out.
It doesn't mean we don't love them-it
means we love them enough to let them go
and make their own decisions and take
responsibility for themselves.
We have no control!

Hugs,
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Old 11-20-2002, 05:22 AM
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Hi Devestated, I vote no too. MG and Josie describe why so well. I just want to let you know I do understand how you feel and this detaching stuff is so hard. You can do it. Keep hanging in.
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Old 11-20-2002, 10:32 AM
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dear devastated,
you're learning how to detach. i've found that it can be a rocky road. it's hard to detach, particularly for a mom. i would say no to fixing his things. he can't ever learn to fix these things himself if u do it. if all of us keep fixing things for our sick family members, they won't ever have to face their problems. everyone has problems in life. don't take away the chance for him to grow up and get his own self-worth from solving his own problems. i think we keep our loved ones in denial, by not letting them experience the consequences of their actions.we help keep them in their denial longer. god bless u and keep u safe and prayers for ur family from sugar
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