benefits

It has been 3 years since I left my husband (and father of my child) and things have not always been easy because he is very bitter about me leaving (even though he is the one that cheated, lied, etc) but I am happy and my son is happy and when his father is happy he leaves me alone for the most part but when he gets a bug up his butt he is just awful. He feels he has every right to yell and scream at me anytime I don't give him his way. I won't bore you with all the details. Anyway, my son and I were driving home from the sitter yesterday and we somehow got on the subject of him growing up and I said one day he will grow up and get married. And he told me he will not get married because he doesn't want to have to yell at some lady. This really struck me because even though we are not even married anymore my son picks up on this and thinks that is what a husband's role in a marriage is. And this is not the only observation my son has made about "roles" when he was only about 3 he told me that mommy's stay home with the babies and daddy's go to the bars with their friends. There are more but I can't think of all of them now but the point is that we really need to be careful of the message we are sending to our children. With my exABF he was drunk all weekend long and sometimes on weeknights, and when he wasn't drunk or high he was sleeping or glued to the TV. What message did my son get from that "role model"??? I tried to explain to him that not all husbands yell at their wives and used my parents and my sister and her husband as examples and we talked about it for a while and while I think he understands it who knows what damage could have already been done. It's scary - our children are so important and I shutter at the thought at what they may be picking up from our situations.
Just my thoughts - thanks

splendra

You are so right everything that goes on around a child is taken in and we have to be very careful about what we allow to go on around our children...

escape artist

benefits, i was just wondering if you still allow yourself to listen to the ex while he is on a rant. could be a healthy boundary to show as an example to your son that one does not need to tolerate another's unacceptable behavior. i know this has helped me with lots of behaviors that my kids were displaying which was the same behavior their dad would have. with consistency of holding onto my "new" boundaries i have ended alot of that. it did make me think about how yes, the man sitting in front of the tv all the time unless he was out, and generally displaying disrespect just by Not doing anything- you know where they act like they don't hear you, or put you off, or come up with really lame excuses (that's a biggy) in about everything was seen and emulated in the kids.

nowadays i really appreciate having the fortitude to say, "we have allready discussed this and i have nothing more to say about the matter" and walk away. it's amazing!
the youngest liked to constantly harrass me asking again and again and again. i realize that i am buying into it with my responses. now i say, "what part of no do you not understand?"

my AH would call me a ******* bitch- and the last time he did that -on the phone- i called him back and said , "that is the last time you are ever going to call me that" and hung up. he came home shortly after and apologized, but it was the last time he ever called me that.

since we have separated i was musing that it may have been a really BIG example of how one will not accept unacceptable behavior. then i wondered if my kids were possibly entertaining the idea that if they didn't behave maybe they would get the boot too! LOL i hope not, but still it could be in the back of their minds. i do remind them that they are kids and they are supposed to make mistakes and will still be loved. but they do respect my new boundaries and they are thriving too.
yeah, al-alon really helped me adjust lots of my behaviors and reactions and things really improved. as they say, if it is best for the family it is best for the alcoholic.

benefits

Generally, no I don't listen to him when he starts yelling and screaming - it is usually over the phone so I just hang up on him but he will just keep calling and leaving nasty messages (since I don't answer) and the thing is a lot of the times he is doing this my son is with him so he hears all of this stuff. Plus then he has my son and can fill his head with all kinds of stuff about what a terrible mother I am etc. I can tell you this man is the exhusband from hell!!!! He only thinks of himself and refuses to look at what he is doing to his son. Also, he lives with his girlfriend for the past year or so and my guess is he treats her the same way he treated me so I imagine my son sees his father yelling at the girlfriend.

FriendofBill

and that is why alcoholism is called a "family" disease. Our kids get it too.
Perhaps you have good male role models in your life that can influence your son appropriately. Thats what I do. I have good male friends, mostly program people, who know and care about my son and he learns good, valuable things from them.

escape artist

hoo boy benefits. that is a tough one to balance. sorry your son has to see this. my desire for my kids is for them to "see" a nurturing healthy relationship between a man and a woman. (right now they seem to be heavy in the fairytale realm of happily ever after!-see other post!!) but, i do have one really positive relationship with an old friend since college days. We have visited him and my kids see us get along and they intently listen to my phone calls when we talk. They hear how pleasant human exchanges can be- and right now that is my only saving grace for them as to how decent relationships with the opposite sex can be. I will however, be getting them into al-ateen as soon as they are old enough- so they can have a better understanding of the sick behaviors from living around alcoholics they have been exposed to.

good possibility your son may go the opposite way and be the most wonderful man a girl could hope for. He knows it is not right. I knew my parents' relationship was not healthy. and i did not have the tools to have a healthy relationship for myself either. I am pretty sure that is why i avoided intimate relationships most of my life. I was terrified to even think of getting married- even though i knew i wanted to have my own family. THis is something i have just recently put together. sorry if i am digressing....i realized this may be a key factor in why i and my AH were attracted to each other in the first place. We both had the same kind of intimacy issues as neither of us had any good training from home in how to TREAT another human being. I guess the lesson learned is HOW NOT to treat another person in an intimate relationship.