lifeseeker

I'm about to make the biggest move I've made in my life thus far. i'm moving home to my mom & dads house.

I can't stay sober here alone anymore, it's just taken over me completely. I know that if I'm living with my mom (who doesn't drink and hasn't for a number of yrs., dad too) I'm expected NOT to drink. I've set myself up good this time. I absolutely cannot drink there, and I never have let my mom see me drunk. Not even when I was younger. I'm 31 now. Both myself and my daughter will be living with her. I'm terrified that I'm going to get stuck there though. Irrational thought perhaps, but I liked being away from home. The problem with being on my own is I have no one to be accountable to, my daughter ended up being less important to me than my alcohol. God I'm such a loser.
I'm leaving behind my other two daughters, who live with their dad. I'm so incredibly sad about that it's beyond measure. I need to get sober, so I can be a productive person, I need to get sober to be a good mother. I just need to get sober. Moving to my moms will guarantee that much at least. I'm just really scared. I want to be sober because that is the only hope I have these days.
I've read and lurked and read and lurked and the one thing that has always been a constant was the new life people have gotten by getting help. Any life other than the one I'm living right now has got to be better. I'm just upset that I can't seem to do it on my own? Why is my daughter not important enough to me to stop? What kind of a mother must I be? I just hate this life, and this is where it all starts over. Literally. I was told not to bring anything more than what fits in my car. Oh well, I don't care about the stuff anyhow. I just want to get sober. That's all I want. It's the hope for a better life for myself and my children that is what is keeping me from freaking out. I have to change who I am, and I don't know how to start, but I'm going to give it my all, at least I have a family who can afford to take me in and help me get better, right? I have blessings all around me, and yet I'm still crying the same tears.
Oh man, this life stuff is hard. I just want to run. I can't do it anymore though. I give up.
I hope I get to post more positively in the future.

ls

Midas

Hi Lifeseeker! It never seems we make the right decisions when fully active in our addiction. I've made some crappy decisions in sobriety too. That just sux. It's good that your parents are willing to help you, maybe they can help you get into a 30 day treatment clinic (Intensive Outpatient). I went to a Banner Health clinic myself. Charter Health has a good system too.

I don't have kids & my story is the flip-side of yours--I had to move AWAY from the folks to maintain my sanity. Keep posting though!

Hang In There! Help is within reach.

degadar

Only if you don't do something about the problem...

You probably can't imagine the time - but it will come - when you wake in the morning and DON'T think about drink. The time when your head will be clear, you are healthier, calmer, and happier than you've ever been in your whole life.

Please believe this lifeseaker, like you've never believed anything before, ever - and it will be. Do you have a plan? Anyone you can work with? Have you told your parents?

So many questions, sorry. Keep posting, you're only a few small steps away from freedom from drink.

Deg.

lifeseeker

Thank you for your kind words.

I have a sort of plan I guess. I plan on moving to my moms to get out of debt. It's because of my drinking and letting bills slide that I got myself into this situation. Everything wrong in my life is because of my obsession with drinking. I also plan on going to AA there. My parents know of why I'm moving there and want me to get well. I can't believe they are even still trying to help me at this point, I think it's because of my kids actually. I know I won't drink while I'm there, and I'm leaving behind a very good job to stop drinking. I am scared that if I stay, that I'll eventually screw that up too, and quitting before that happens is more important to me right now. I just want to quit living this life. I read somewhere today that stuck with me. Life is happening all around me, and I'm just not a part of it. I have children that need me, that I'm molding into something. I want a better life than the one I've had for them. It's not going to happen unless something changes though. I need to cahnge now, before life passes me by.
My dad went to AA and has been sober for over 20 years. He'll be able to help me deal with some stuff, but I think AA will help more. Now I have no excuses not to go to meetings. I'm essentially setting myself up in a good way, but ashamed of myself for needing to do something so drastic. I mean, I'm 31! I should be better off by this age I'd think. But I'm totally licked by alcohol. I cant' stop alone, but with the help of my family, I'm sure that it'll be easier. I guess I have a plan, in a roundabout way. I'll go to meetings when I'm there, and seek individual counselling. It can only get better than where I'm at right now.
I'm such a mess, I imagine the only place worse I could be is six feet under.
I hope to god I remember how I feel today when I want that next drink. I don't imagine death can be defied another time for me. I truly know this is my last chance.
ls

tyler

Had to do the same thing here LS, but I waited until I was 36, so at least you got 5 years on me!! Don't be embarassed that you have to ask for help, asking for help shows strength, not weakness, took me a long time to figure that one out. It is the fool that keeps thinking they can do something by themselves and failing over and over again. A wise person asks for help and is successful. Best of luck to you. Take care.

CarolD

and you do have a god plam!

Blessings to all of you...

Cindi

You definitely remind me of me. I am almost 31 and had led a relatively productive life until about 1 year ago (mind you I was a functioning alcoholic for 4 years before that) but I finally got sick and broke down. My only advice to you is to take advantage of the fact you have family that are willing to take you in and help you. Each day will get a little better. You won't feel fine for a while but just remember that with each day you do not drink you are closer to feeling like an actual human being again.

TRISH1011

Hi there,

Don't give up. I am only on my ninth day of sobriety but am beginning to feel good about my progress although I have to say, I do feel very negative about myself and over react to the things that I am doing wrong, the things that I say which make me cringe and feel as though the ole grey matter is already failing me after six years of alcoholism.

My partner came very close to throwing me out about a week ago, and moving back to my well meaning parents (who bring up the past often to remind me of my mistakes)
I was very lucky to realise that this is it. I can't do it anymore or I will lose the person who means the most to me, after having lost, over an epoch of five years, most of my friends. Particularly, my best friend of twenty years with whom I am no longer on speaking terms. (She found me to be a burden and was embarrassed about my illness. She wanted to move forward and found that our friendship was a hindrance to her upward climb in social mobility)

Take a deep breath. Stopping the drink is so bloody hard but it is so worth it. You gain your self-esteem back, your pride and your self-worth. You may feel guilty that alcohol was your priority over your daughter, but by stopping this insane cycle of drinking, you will annihiliate the guilt gradually and become the mother that your daughter needs.

You know, you may never be able to get to the person that you once were...but you can become an even better person. Most of the people who have been through an addiction and have overcome their addictive cycle become strong, are less judgemental of others' achiles heel and idiocyncracies, are more emotionally intelligent than most. We have been through so much through our illness, it moulds us into more compassionate and humane people (generalisation but one I truly believe in for the majority) when we beat it.

My partner has accompanied me to meetings, and he is amazed at just how articulate, emotionally intelligent and expressive these people have become. As a person who doesn't drink and whose only vice is smoking, he was very impressed by how strong, resolute and understanding the people are who have gone through this healing process. The strength they have summoned to beat their demons.

I wish you the very best. I wish you strength and I offer you faith.

Hugs
Trish

BSPGirl

You sound determined to get help with your problems and that's really a good thing!

lulu70

((((((((((((Lifeseeker))))))))))))))) I know EXACTLY how you are feeling. My story is an almost mirror image of yours. One difference is that I DID lose my job. And I didn't move back in with my parents, but I did go to a thirty-day inpatient treatment center and I was completely dependent on my parents for about 6 months. I also have a daughter and my parents and her father had to take care of her for me while I was in treatment. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It was also the best thing I have ever done. I have been clean and sober ever since (pot was a problem for me, too.)

It is true that making these changes is very scary. Anything unknown can be pretty scary. But it is so worth it. You are making the right choice. You are very lucky to have the support of your family. Many people don't have that luxury.

I still go to AA. I will go for the rest of my life, I hope. I am still working the steps, and my life is better today than I ever could have imagined. I had a pretty rough weekend and felt pretty insane, but it was really NOTHING compared to the insanity I had in my life just over a year and a half ago.

I hope you will stick around, keep posting, and let us know how you are doing on your journey. I am thinking of you and sending prayers your way.....

Hugs--

lifeseeker

Thanks again,
It's nice to be able to find something positive waiting for me when I wake up in the morning. I usually wake up feeling more and more trapped in this disease.
I must be crazy, but I'm feeling better every time I think about or write about my decision. I have a ton of problems to take care of. The financial thing would up there. Debt has taken over my life. I'm going to try something different today, and tell my debtors the truth. *YUCK*
The biggest part of it all is going to be the easiest amazingly enough. Getting sober. I know for a fact I will not drink while at my moms house, I just know that without a doubt. The hard part is going to be dealing with life. You see, this is where I fail miserably...if that makes any sense at all. It's just been easier to say the heck with it all, have a drink. Now I won't have an escape. I suppose that's what I've been searching for all along. A way to live life without running away from it constantly. I've heard time and time again that AA can help, so that's where I'll go first.
I feel like a child all over again, starting my life in an adult body. It's not the easiest thing to admit.
At least I didn't drink yesterday, and I woke up in better spirits. That matters more to me than I thought it would.
ls