Gabe

Sunshine's "He's just not that into you" thread got me thinking.
(That's always a dangerous thing)
Thinking about the way we Codies tend to get over involved and enmeshed in relationships we have no business in.
Some of us, chasing after people who just aren't interested.
Or staying in relationships where either we aren't interested anymore, or they aren't.
What is it with that?
Is it a desperate need for attention?
Is it that our self esteem is so low that we try to validate it by seeking out the unavailable?
Do we chase after the unavailable out of some subconscious need to do things that we know we will fail at?
Not sure of any answers to the above questions, but they were certainly thought provoking nonetheless.
We will now return you to your regularly scheduled posting.

JessicaNAJ

Gabe

If only I had read this 15 years ago.

Thank you for the post.

bikewench

We go for what's familiar in my opinion Gabe...

and it overrides the conscious brain...

I made a point of looking for characteristics in my guy that I hated in my father... cause I was 2 years in recovery at the time.. but.. my sense of familiar around bad behavior still managed to prevail in that I saw what I wanted .. went after it...

and then was willful about it...

that's what my fatal attraction looks like..

lunasol

yeah, i'm a big believer in the daddy myth. every guy i've ever fallen for has been almost a carbon copy of my father: larger than life, intelligent, charismatic, affectionate, but also quite critical at times and impatient with emotional displays (plus, guess who's a big crier? that's right - me!)
the last guy i was with even smelled like my dad. weird.
also, i think there's something to going even farther back in history. my father isn't an alcoholic, but pretty much everyone else in his family has struggled with alcoholism. and here i am, constantly getting involved in relationships and friendships with alcoholics...

ASpouse

I think most of us CoDe's are afraid of change. I think to put it in a nutshell is fear, plain simple fear of the unknown, unfamiliar. We stick with what we are good at, what we know. People don't like change, some moreso than others.

Hopefloats

What an interesting thread. Sadly my Mr. Hope went through this with a woman that just could not take him at his word. He was as nice as he could be, he told her that he chose to have no contact anymore with her, and she continued to try to penetrate each boundary that he set, and claimed and named it all in the name of "love", "friendship" and "concern"

It really did get out of hand. She found his poetry forum and joined. She posted replies only to his work. She was not a poet. After we had been living together for about a year, she was still sending e-mail. Eventually he just deleted without reading. She could and would think of anything to make contact. Really, REALLY sad...and something had to be not quite right in her life.

My mom always told me..we don't go chasing after someone that does not want us. IF they do...we will know. I love my mom for that (and for many reasons, of course). Relationships are a two way street and it is obvious if both people are interested and even more if one is not.

Good things to think about. Why does this happen. What happens in a person's life that makes them pursue, and try to penetrate another's life and boundaries without an invitation?

I am not judging, I am actually quite curious.
Lack of self-esteem? Needing to be loved? Lonliness? I just don't know. Maybe all of the above. BUT where this woman in Mr. Hope's life claimed it to be about "caring for him as a person"..well that could not be true, because if she did, then she would of respected his wishes and cared for him from a distance. The distance that he repeatedly asked for.

This just got me to thinking....We still chat about that once in a while today...Mr. Hope is a VERY private person, and he likes that privacy respected.

Thanks Gabe..this reminds me to pay attention to what people ask of me, and for me to always respect their boundaries.
(((Hugs)))
Hopefloats

utopia

i think there is never one answer but always many answers to these questions.

i find that in the familiar i have a false sense of control.
i think sometimes ive continued to see addicts and sick people cos when we break up its easier to hate them so i can feel good about myself.
if theyre a good person then i find all this anger and noone to put it on.
some of it does come back onto me and i need to be gentle in love with myself and others.

my human needs are compunded by the dysfunction of my family, the abuse and all thsoe issues in my head mixing with my culture and social influences, regulations and moulding. as i always am changing, so do my answers to those questions change.
im past the phase now though of homicidal thoughts, and boiling white bunnies. i actually though glenn close was a hard done by gal in the movie the first time, now i see how its only i that can choose to descend into mad obsessions again or maintain my health and balance, mostly with meetings.