How to use H.A.L.T.???
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: NJ
Posts: 2
How to use H.A.L.T.???
I am running, ripping, crying, screaming, DYING. It all seems so impossible. I know the truth, I know how to detox (on my own) I know I ams trong enough and worth enough....not to commit suicide right now.
The funny thing is, I know how much I hurt myself (thats the only thing it does to me anymore, I don't enjoy it) yet I still do it, and by doing it I want to die it's so bad, but I dont want to die....then why would I want to hurt myself? Because I am stuck? I Like what i do, but i hate the decisions i make. As you can probably tell i'm high right now and i ******* HATE LIFE. I'm hating myself. 6 years over abd over and over I try to quit.
HOW WOULD YOU NOT GET SICK OF YOURSELF.
The pain is immeasurable, yet i stil do it in hopes someone would notice. Thats sick.I use every excuse. Ive been every route, its ever different. Someitmes when im really determined i hold out for 3 weeks. . . . .my whole life evolves around it.
Im sure so many of you have been there and everywhere (every possible desire or way to quit) but ITS NOT WORKING FOR ME nothing is...and now my desire is even deadening. I need to change my decisions, i KNOW everything i need to do, believe me ive tried ive been at meetings been talking to a GREAT sponsor, I just dont believe in meyet i know i can do it but just go back anyway regardless.
HUungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired
Hunger and Tired I can always fix. I either go to sleep or eat something, or eat somthing then take a nap. BUT, i get lonely, A LOT, but i dont trust a lot of people, so I get angry, and then go right back.. I know ive vented away for about an hour, but in case anyone doesnt know what to tell me other than the usual and i feel myself being a bitch right now because im angry and unwilling to change, *see, thats one of the things i know and am a strong advocate of= you cant chsange anyone but yourself* but i dont have any reason to change..........i have little /no support in my life, and no love. i feel SO alone and i cant even find weays of expressing myself anymore because continuing with the drug forces me not to care.
Addiction is the symptom not the cause.
HAS ANYONE BEEN WHERE I'VE BEEN SOO MANY TIMES? PLEASE, I'M AT THE END OF A ROPE I DONT WANT TO CUT BUT I KEEP RETYING IT TOO LOOSELY
The funny thing is, I know how much I hurt myself (thats the only thing it does to me anymore, I don't enjoy it) yet I still do it, and by doing it I want to die it's so bad, but I dont want to die....then why would I want to hurt myself? Because I am stuck? I Like what i do, but i hate the decisions i make. As you can probably tell i'm high right now and i ******* HATE LIFE. I'm hating myself. 6 years over abd over and over I try to quit.
HOW WOULD YOU NOT GET SICK OF YOURSELF.
The pain is immeasurable, yet i stil do it in hopes someone would notice. Thats sick.I use every excuse. Ive been every route, its ever different. Someitmes when im really determined i hold out for 3 weeks. . . . .my whole life evolves around it.
Im sure so many of you have been there and everywhere (every possible desire or way to quit) but ITS NOT WORKING FOR ME nothing is...and now my desire is even deadening. I need to change my decisions, i KNOW everything i need to do, believe me ive tried ive been at meetings been talking to a GREAT sponsor, I just dont believe in meyet i know i can do it but just go back anyway regardless.
HUungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired
Hunger and Tired I can always fix. I either go to sleep or eat something, or eat somthing then take a nap. BUT, i get lonely, A LOT, but i dont trust a lot of people, so I get angry, and then go right back.. I know ive vented away for about an hour, but in case anyone doesnt know what to tell me other than the usual and i feel myself being a bitch right now because im angry and unwilling to change, *see, thats one of the things i know and am a strong advocate of= you cant chsange anyone but yourself* but i dont have any reason to change..........i have little /no support in my life, and no love. i feel SO alone and i cant even find weays of expressing myself anymore because continuing with the drug forces me not to care.
Addiction is the symptom not the cause.
HAS ANYONE BEEN WHERE I'VE BEEN SOO MANY TIMES? PLEASE, I'M AT THE END OF A ROPE I DONT WANT TO CUT BUT I KEEP RETYING IT TOO LOOSELY
In Memory Of
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Connecticut.
Posts: 3,736
Yes, I have been there, as you said, too many times. I think you might be discovering that using is making you miserable, every time, not a bad thing to remember. When I was sick and tired of being sick and tired...you know. One thing I have learned is to talk to someone before I pick up and its easier to stay clean then it is to get clean.Get to a meeting, put your hand up and say you are lonely and having a hard time stopping, you will get help and support.
Bless, trish
Bless, trish
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: NJ
Posts: 2
I can't handle who i am with this addiction anymore, but why bother when I'm not determined enough to change?? I'm out of effort ........ but don't want to die, but, feel dead on the inside
Im tired of lying, of feeling like HELL, i just want to believe in me, you, and God.........completely scared of falling off the wagon, i'm realizing how much more this is a symptom then the cause.........so many issues of lonliness and unhappiness i dont qwant to face and just want to hide
Im tired of lying, of feeling like HELL, i just want to believe in me, you, and God.........completely scared of falling off the wagon, i'm realizing how much more this is a symptom then the cause.........so many issues of lonliness and unhappiness i dont qwant to face and just want to hide
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: western canada
Posts: 1,441
Hey Livn....
Yes.... I've been where you are...
white knuckle city all the way...
this is the part that many many addicts can't get over....
It takes a LOT of courage to get throught this part Livn....
But.. it's the addictive part of our minds... aided and abetted by the messed up chemistry of our drug/booze/cig/whatever riddled bodies that is making the loudest noises and kvetching... and screaming and crying...
The real part of ourselves is the one wispering ...
"your killing me... and I don't want to die...""
That's the war within...
I've been right where you were...
but.. I HAD to do it cause I was a single mom... and I wanted to do right by my daughter
But... underneath all that... I wanted to do something right in my life...
and around and around it goes....
So.. the war within....
whose gonna win...
Facing myself for the first time in my life...
Making a conscious decision to work to change....
Understanding that my body and mind were going to be sick and uncomfortable until I could get out from under my using for a space...
Accepting that I needed to be very gentle with myself... and take the really bad times with a grain of salt... because... that too would pass... if I could just hang on...
It slowly got better....
Not on my timetable though...
But.. I found that if I was wide open to recovery... and was wide open to receive the answers... then that was all I needed...
The rest took care of itself... over time....
We addicts are all faced with this Livn... this point in time...
terrified to go forward... terrified to go back...
just plain ole terrified...
stay close here... that will help with the lonliness...
I use it a lot.. ;o)
and write out your anger...
punch a pillow..
cry
time to pick that emotional scab and let it bleed.. ;o)
I've been were you are... and I'm telling you that it's worth clawing your way outa hell...
Yes.... I've been where you are...
white knuckle city all the way...
this is the part that many many addicts can't get over....
It takes a LOT of courage to get throught this part Livn....
But.. it's the addictive part of our minds... aided and abetted by the messed up chemistry of our drug/booze/cig/whatever riddled bodies that is making the loudest noises and kvetching... and screaming and crying...
The real part of ourselves is the one wispering ...
"your killing me... and I don't want to die...""
That's the war within...
I've been right where you were...
but.. I HAD to do it cause I was a single mom... and I wanted to do right by my daughter
But... underneath all that... I wanted to do something right in my life...
and around and around it goes....
So.. the war within....
whose gonna win...
Facing myself for the first time in my life...
Making a conscious decision to work to change....
Understanding that my body and mind were going to be sick and uncomfortable until I could get out from under my using for a space...
Accepting that I needed to be very gentle with myself... and take the really bad times with a grain of salt... because... that too would pass... if I could just hang on...
It slowly got better....
Not on my timetable though...
But.. I found that if I was wide open to recovery... and was wide open to receive the answers... then that was all I needed...
The rest took care of itself... over time....
We addicts are all faced with this Livn... this point in time...
terrified to go forward... terrified to go back...
just plain ole terrified...
stay close here... that will help with the lonliness...
I use it a lot.. ;o)
and write out your anger...
punch a pillow..
cry
time to pick that emotional scab and let it bleed.. ;o)
I've been were you are... and I'm telling you that it's worth clawing your way outa hell...
In Memory Of
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Connecticut.
Posts: 3,736
Livin,
Believe that I believe. I have been where you are, my life is so different today. Give it some time and do something for your recovery today.Giving up alcohol and drugs is a giant step in the right direction. Prayers to you
Bless.
Trish
Believe that I believe. I have been where you are, my life is so different today. Give it some time and do something for your recovery today.Giving up alcohol and drugs is a giant step in the right direction. Prayers to you
Bless.Trish
Member
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: matawan nj
Posts: 86
Thanks 2 everyone
Ok, I am on my 1st day again...i'm going to ride it out this time, for me, and i'm going to let go of my past and the bad emotions that I conjure up in my mind. First, I'm going to clean out my body. I'm finally feeling much more up to do it this time too. I can't handle it anymore, thats said by me, a lot, but this time I'm going to make sure that I feel ok before i even start my day to take it choice by choice. I want to live.
Must tell you the truth too....today, I got a sign from God. It must have been.....I know someone who has been depressed for a while, since his father passed, and he had a mental breakdown right in front of me..........it was as if he wanted to show me what I was like, what I need to change in my life, it was so scary to see an older man fall on the ground crying like a baby, screaming for his dear life......
Hugs <3
Must tell you the truth too....today, I got a sign from God. It must have been.....I know someone who has been depressed for a while, since his father passed, and he had a mental breakdown right in front of me..........it was as if he wanted to show me what I was like, what I need to change in my life, it was so scary to see an older man fall on the ground crying like a baby, screaming for his dear life......
Hugs <3
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: western canada
Posts: 1,441
Hey Poet....
Signs from God...
you betcha...
he sent me a few as well...
and some pats on the back ;o)
little rewards that no one else in the world would ever realize... but.. I knew... it was God.. telling me I was on the right path... that I just need to continue to believe that he will lead me out of that long mental labyrinth whose only reward is hell on earth....
That's what I clung to...
Because I had no belief in myself... my choices.. attitude.. behaviors... outcomes...
life just "happened" to me in spite of my best efforts... ya know.. .?? ;o)
It was hard to realize I had been making the wrong ... lonely choices all along...
For myself.. I must stay focused on solutions...
and don't let my mind and body drift back into the disease of altered states= altered destructivve thinking= self destructive outcomes.
Signs from God...
you betcha...
he sent me a few as well...
and some pats on the back ;o)
little rewards that no one else in the world would ever realize... but.. I knew... it was God.. telling me I was on the right path... that I just need to continue to believe that he will lead me out of that long mental labyrinth whose only reward is hell on earth....
That's what I clung to...
Because I had no belief in myself... my choices.. attitude.. behaviors... outcomes...
life just "happened" to me in spite of my best efforts... ya know.. .?? ;o)
It was hard to realize I had been making the wrong ... lonely choices all along...
For myself.. I must stay focused on solutions...
and don't let my mind and body drift back into the disease of altered states= altered destructivve thinking= self destructive outcomes.
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