equus

I was meant to be going with D tonight for the joint part of our counselling from the alcohol advisory place. Unfortunately D was sick last night and HAS to work today so we've swapped the joint appointment for the individual one I had booked on Sat.

We won't lose a slot this way and it would be unrealistic to think D will get through town tonight but it means I haven't had the time I like to prepare. I was prepared for the joint bit - not the individual bit!!

I really respect this counsellor and she's leaving in two (maybe one now) weeks, I want to get the best out the session but feel a bit stumped.

I thought about going through this:

Things that have made me feel bad
*Trying to see 'signs' of what the future will be.
*Over reacting to small failures rather than looking from a distance at the overall picture.
*Not trusting my own rationaility in what I see.

All these things have started to improve, sometimes through events and sometimes through action I've taken. I feel surprisingly 'on course' but I DON'T want to waste the session.

I know it's usually better to concentrate on the positives but I'm at heart a problem solver and learn by solving/finding solutions for apparent problems (these aren't so negative to me, they're where I learn). It's never a perfect process but I feel well supported, here, in the counselling sessions we've had together, through friends and my own learning.

I know I can 'check out' how I'm going about improving stuff I find hard but I want to get down to some nitty gritty.

How do you use positives to accelerate learning from others? I know how to ask a question or find something that doesn't make sense but if it's already making sense how do you make sure you suck all the wisdom (yuk - but I'm a wisdom thief) out the person you're talking to?

I want a challenging session with things to take home and work on. I really respect this lass, she has her head screwed on and thinks, she's never half asleep or saying stuff she doesn't understand herself. She's tight and clever + she knows her stuff around alcohol problems!!

FriendofBill

Let go of controlling the session and let what will be, be?

equus

I'm a great believer in active rather than passive participation. I can't control the session and what will be will be, but I like to have some sense of what I'd like to get out of it.

I think I could sum up all the waffle above just by saying I don't really know what I do want out of it - normally if that's the case I don't do something but I do WANT this, largely because I have lots of respect for this lass and she'll be gone soon.

BLAH!! I sound really argumentative and I don't really disagree with you FoB, just that not knowing what I want is odd for me.

FriendofBill

sounds like you just want to control it, to me anyhow.How about showing up with a willing and open mind and let professional guide the meeting?

Let go, Let god determine the outcome.

equus

I sad she was good - not god!!

FriendofBill

ah, I dont think your getting it....or perhaps you dont believe in a higher power?

FriendofBill

PS...she doesnt determine the outcome either. The outcome is determined by what you put into it. Just seems you arent ready to let go of any kind of control just yet. Good luck!

equus

I believe in many higher power's, thuderstorms, lightening, tsunami's, earthquakes to be amongst the bigger ones. I just don't think I'm on their radar, or that they have consciousness.

I do think the counsellor knows more than me about this but proffessional counsellors are usually the first to tell you the YOU know more about your life, and asking what help they can be to you - or in other words what you would like to achieve with them is fairly common place. It's a partnership thing, using each others knowledge.

equus

EXACTLY!! Which is why I do think about it, and where I'm struggling etc - that's what I put into it!

Control over my thoughts, my wishes? my goals? They aren't asking me to give up control over these. I use counselling because it's based on empowerment - you use Al-Anon because it's based on surrender and powerlessness.

We're allowed to be different - If I was being hypocritical and claiming to 12 step, which I don't then you would be right to pull me up on it. In the mean time I've no objection to you commenting but it might help for you to say explicitly what you feel I need to let go control of and why.

I don't control a counselling session - they do know what they're doing, but I am SUPPOSED to take an active part.

walkingtheline

Have you considered telling her that? Explaining that you're an action-oriented person and would appreciate some things that would allow you to use your best learning tool?

She may want you to be more passive - perhaps she wants you to be introspective in thought and slow in action, but you'll never know unless you ask!

equus

That makes sense - I was given the week off from tasks last week - D had to think of 3 goals he wants from the counselling and write down his relationship with alcohol!! She says I'm very structured and really work hard!! Oh heck.... you might be on to something here!

I will ask her that - and I'll post her reply.

I don't like doing courses with compulsory attendence either because if I want something I'm happy to put the effort in and get it quicker than the next person. Kind of like 'hit me with it and I'll work hard and surprise you'. If I don't want something you can threaten me with a gun and I still wouldn't put any effort in - or ever actually do it!

I just can't see the sense in doing anything badly for longer where there are better ways, although I think I'm improving on the above stumbling blocks I'm sure I could learn faster if I knew exactly what concepts I've got right and which I've got wrong.

susane1408

I think it makes perfect sense to me to have a plan for what you want addressed at your session.

We are always being told to prepare for a Dr's appointment to get the most out of it so that we get the right treatment.
You know what you feel you need to work on and letting her know this will give her some insight into the best course of action that will help you.
Good Luck

minnie

It's OK to say that you don't know what you want from this session. I've gone to counselling a few times not knowing what I wanted to talk about, but it becomes quite clear once they ask a few questions.

Chill, hon. She's a professional.

equus

Nope - I'm gonna steal WTL's idea!! I really like that. It's central to my way of being and should set her on the right scent. I'm definately an action orientated person, it's been central to my learning about alcoholism and myself - I go looking for answers!!!

Well it seems like a fine start to me and it is something I'd like to think on!

This place is awesome!! I'd never have thought of that!

susane1408

You always make me smile Equus!
I can practically hear the cogs working!

minnie

Did you ever try that mood gym, equus? If you're task orientated, that would be right up your street.

equus

Well I went in sat quietly and waited for her to begin - guess what the first question was? "What do you want to get from these sessions?"

BLAH!! So anyway, I went with WTL's question and said I tend to tackle everything head on etc. She said there are 2 human responses to crisis, fight or flight. She explained that people have both but by temperament will prefer and be more skilled at using one or the other. She felt D was a flight person and I was a fight person and that we needed to influence each other a little to get balance. BUT she also said that most of my skills are in directly tackling a problem and his are in living despite it, what she said wouldn't work would be for us to try and directly swap. Right now D is doing the loft - flight, keeping himself busy away from the problem, BUT he's not drinking. Right now I'm on here thinking about what she said BUT not hassling D about it. It does sort of work for us, which just need a 'little' balance.

I asked about a task and some here are so not going to like this!! She wants me to get D out doing something involving excercise that's also social and doesn't involve booze! She said he needs an extra shove in that direction and she figured I had the best chance of success, meanwhile it also keeps me entertained with a very real problem (oh hell I don't know I can do this one!). I'm not held accountable or responsible just that she felt that's where MY support would help the most right now.

D asked me tonight if I would mind him doing his task about writing down his relationship with alcohol as a letter to me. He said he wants to do it like that because he wants me more than anyone to know. Communication is good, nearly always good so I get that, I was quite touched.

I think I made a balls up of the mood gym. I couldn't seem to get past 20 zillion random questions - then got bored!! I think somehow I managed to get myself into the wrong bit!! I should have another bash - I just got impatient and cross with it.

jojo

Equus -

I really worry about you. What are you going to do if D fails in his quest to gain sobriety? It seems as if you are so involved in what he thinks, feels, needs, does and doesn't do that you might take a failure on his part as a failure on your part. You have a problem with Alanon because of "surrender and powerlessness" but it is simply accepting that you are powerless over another person's addiction. As long as you refuse to accept that you can't control D's addiction then you will forever be as involved in his addiction as he is and how healthy is that for you? We love them and want to be there for them but we can't and shouldn't try to help them "control" a problem that belongs to them. We often try to micro-manage to give ourselves the feeling that we are in control of a situation that we truly are not in control of. I truly hope that everything works out for the two of you but what will you do if he slips and you are back at square one? Will you feel that you have failed him, that if you had done something different then he would be OK? I know that you really love this man and only want what is best for him but wouldn't it be better for both of you if you put the reins firmly in his hands and follow his lead instead of the other way around? That way he is responsible for his successes and failures and regardless of the outcome you won't have to wonder if you had just done this or that differently then . . . . .

I hope that you will accept this in the spirit in which it was written. I wish only the best for you and D and am offering food for thought only.

Hugs, Jo

equus

I don't see powerless verses control - I see a whole sliding scale between the two.

Secondly - the whole of this post was around MY counselling and MY goals. With the exception of the outcome - but hey that was influenced (not controlled) by the counsellor, who is a proffessional in addiction. Surely you woudl acknowledge that is at least as reliable a source as opinion over he net?

I was actually being advised to 'let go' of my own counselling session - not D's drinking! (Not by the counsellor I might add).

I KNOW I don't control D's drinking - I also know I have influence but how do I explain that where people think only in black or white?

jojo

I was not responding to just this post about counselling. I have followed you since you joined this site. I do understand that you are doing things to help yourself as well. I am not claiming to be as knowledgeable as a trained professional but having lived with an alcoholic with emotional issues and watching your continuous efforts to make things better I simply offered my thoughts and fears for your emotional well being.

I don't think that you need to explain influence to anyone. Let me ask this: with your influencing D, if he slips does he then feel that he has let you down in addition to letting himself down? Just a thought. Sorry if I offended you.

Jo