Something brave...here goes.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Southern Wisconsin
Posts: 378
Something brave...here goes.
Ok I did something brave. Thanks to you who have listened and encouraged me. I called him after going out for a walk and working on my own goals. I left a message as he was probably at the bar "recovering" from a weekend of watching his son. My message said that I want to arrange a time that I can get his stuff out of my house. Previously I made the excuse that his stuff was too heavy to move myself. BUT hey I am a young strong girl and can certainly move most of it (even if it has to get dented or scratched in the process).
It felt wonderful but it was hard honestly. My voice began to quiver in the end but it was short and not nasty.
I am not an idiot and I know he is unwilling to give me anything real. LIke a guilt free commitment, companionship, intimacy, travel partner, family, simply someone to hang out with on the weekend without getting so wasted that he is unable to watch an entire movie or eat dinner.
Confession:
I do have low self esteem. I know this is why I sought out an unavailable guy. Not intentionally! But now after going through this and reading the "co-dependant" books I realize this with much more clarity.
My problems are rooted in my childhood. Even in grade school I saw other girls getting attention and "going out" with boys while I never even had a guy ask me on a real date until I was probably 23! I had experiences with boys before that but I never really felt sought after.
So this was building in me forever. I have also been overweight most of my life. Not obese but enough that I always felt that was the reason. Now I see more clearly that it was really what was inside me that probably causes me to be overweight more so than genes.
Anyway it's a cycle. The more I was rejected the more I made poor judgments in friends and lovers. The more desperate I became to have someone love me!! I would cling to any 1/2 way decent guy that showed the slightest interest. Or I would get involved with those who I wasn't even that interested in just because I was so sick of being alone. I once spent 4 years completely single without even one guy asking me out!
I am not bad looking, Not even that fat really. I have a good job and my own house, two cars and I can say that I never really mean to hurt anyone intentionally. I have a lot of love to give... but I guess that I don't carry myself with confidence.
So now I am working on that
It felt wonderful but it was hard honestly. My voice began to quiver in the end but it was short and not nasty.
I am not an idiot and I know he is unwilling to give me anything real. LIke a guilt free commitment, companionship, intimacy, travel partner, family, simply someone to hang out with on the weekend without getting so wasted that he is unable to watch an entire movie or eat dinner.
Confession:
I do have low self esteem. I know this is why I sought out an unavailable guy. Not intentionally! But now after going through this and reading the "co-dependant" books I realize this with much more clarity.
My problems are rooted in my childhood. Even in grade school I saw other girls getting attention and "going out" with boys while I never even had a guy ask me on a real date until I was probably 23! I had experiences with boys before that but I never really felt sought after.
So this was building in me forever. I have also been overweight most of my life. Not obese but enough that I always felt that was the reason. Now I see more clearly that it was really what was inside me that probably causes me to be overweight more so than genes.
Anyway it's a cycle. The more I was rejected the more I made poor judgments in friends and lovers. The more desperate I became to have someone love me!! I would cling to any 1/2 way decent guy that showed the slightest interest. Or I would get involved with those who I wasn't even that interested in just because I was so sick of being alone. I once spent 4 years completely single without even one guy asking me out!
I am not bad looking, Not even that fat really. I have a good job and my own house, two cars and I can say that I never really mean to hurt anyone intentionally. I have a lot of love to give... but I guess that I don't carry myself with confidence.
So now I am working on that
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Moving east
Posts: 217
Sketscher, that must have been very hard and had to have taken a lot of courage. Congratulations!! It's a step in the right direction. I also suffered from low self esteem in school. I can relate to how you feel. I made very bad choices with boys when I was young and when I got pregnant at 15 all my "friends" dropped me like a hot potato. I ended up marrying the father and my daughter was born premature and only lived one day. We divorced 18 months later. I was never able to have any more children. Low self-esteem is a very ugly thing. I guess we always need to work on "us" and let them work on "them". Good luck.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Applause, applause!! You remind me of myself in many ways. A lot of my lack of self esteem stemed from my weight problem, too. And once you figure out why you tend to overeat you can begin to free yourself from that problem, build your self esteem, leave unhealthy relationships behind you, and find a healthy life-long partner.
In that vein, may I recommend the books "When Food is Love," "Why Weight," and "Breaking Free From Emotional Eating" by Geneen Roth? They are incredibly helpful and will help you figure out exactly why you eat compulsively and how to break the cycle.
You'll learn that the extra weight is a cast you use to cushion your pain and avoid getting hurt, you'll learn why you began to overeat in the first place, you'll learn new tools for dealing with stress, you'll learn to stop putting other people first, you'll learn how to put your needs first, you'll learn how to take care of yourself. You'll learn how to eat when you're hungry and stop when you're full. And most importantly, you'll learn that you've been trying to nurture yourself with food when what you really need is to nurture yourself physically and emotionally.
It's time to break free from the chains that bind you, the things that are keeping you from living a happy and fulfilling life. That means its time to free yourself from unhealthy relationships and the pain of emotional eating.
And there's no better day than today.
In that vein, may I recommend the books "When Food is Love," "Why Weight," and "Breaking Free From Emotional Eating" by Geneen Roth? They are incredibly helpful and will help you figure out exactly why you eat compulsively and how to break the cycle.
You'll learn that the extra weight is a cast you use to cushion your pain and avoid getting hurt, you'll learn why you began to overeat in the first place, you'll learn new tools for dealing with stress, you'll learn to stop putting other people first, you'll learn how to put your needs first, you'll learn how to take care of yourself. You'll learn how to eat when you're hungry and stop when you're full. And most importantly, you'll learn that you've been trying to nurture yourself with food when what you really need is to nurture yourself physically and emotionally.
It's time to break free from the chains that bind you, the things that are keeping you from living a happy and fulfilling life. That means its time to free yourself from unhealthy relationships and the pain of emotional eating.
And there's no better day than today.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: north carolina
Posts: 365
i think we tend to sometimes take things so personally. i never got asked out in school,and rarely do now. but in looking back,most of my years in high school,i had a steady guy,and the other guys knew that,so why would they?those lonely times in between....well,maybe they all thought i was still involved..maybe not.... in later years,in talking to lots of other women,i find that alot of the attractive,thin ones dont get asked out either. or not as much as we seem to think.
today i was actually driving,and thinking to myself--why do i seem to always get guys that dont treat me great. they usually treat me ok, but not great. and i thought maybe there is some truth to that thing about if you dont respect yourself in every way,aint nobody else going to either. maybe there is a scent we give off that says, i have low self esteem,so im going to put up with your crap--at least for awhile--go right ahead and use me for whatever........but when you have the kind of respect for yourself that you are --ok,well yeah --picky,----set bounderies for yourself and other people, expect the best.......maybe that is when we will finally get the best. i used to really frown on women who seemed to set such high standards for guys they would date,but now i am starting to feel,they are not bitches,they are smart..im also thinking too, that even though i wish it hadnt happened so late in my life, this last relationship is giving me better perspective on sizing up a potential mate more quickly,and leaving more quickly if we are not a compatible match.
i do find with myself,that if after some time goes by,and i dont feel the giving recipricol, i hold back on the giving. which is good, cuz at least im not one of those that gives and gives and.......but i do know this,from all the past relationships that were lacking--when i DO find someone who treats me great, he will bring out so much of the best in me, he wont know what hit him!!!
today i was actually driving,and thinking to myself--why do i seem to always get guys that dont treat me great. they usually treat me ok, but not great. and i thought maybe there is some truth to that thing about if you dont respect yourself in every way,aint nobody else going to either. maybe there is a scent we give off that says, i have low self esteem,so im going to put up with your crap--at least for awhile--go right ahead and use me for whatever........but when you have the kind of respect for yourself that you are --ok,well yeah --picky,----set bounderies for yourself and other people, expect the best.......maybe that is when we will finally get the best. i used to really frown on women who seemed to set such high standards for guys they would date,but now i am starting to feel,they are not bitches,they are smart..im also thinking too, that even though i wish it hadnt happened so late in my life, this last relationship is giving me better perspective on sizing up a potential mate more quickly,and leaving more quickly if we are not a compatible match.
i do find with myself,that if after some time goes by,and i dont feel the giving recipricol, i hold back on the giving. which is good, cuz at least im not one of those that gives and gives and.......but i do know this,from all the past relationships that were lacking--when i DO find someone who treats me great, he will bring out so much of the best in me, he wont know what hit him!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Southern Wisconsin
Posts: 378
I'm back again. Can't sleep. so many things that I keep thinking about. Wishing that I could find the words that he would listen to. Mulling over all the painful things he has done not only to me but to his wife. But at least I am not crying.
Dax, I am so suprised to see you reply so thoughtfully. I know what you have been through and it means a great deal to me to read your words.
About those weight loss books. I will have to check them out. I have been pretty dilgent about finally tackling this weight issue. 2 years ago I was at my all time high and then lost 60lbs with Weight Watchers. But going through this last year I gained 20 back!!! I am now back to meetings and have lost 10 again since the A moved out. This is one thing that has been helping me cope. My focus on weight loss and exercise. It's wonderful to feel my body getting healthy again even though I kno mentally I still have food and emotional issues.
BTW I'm considering volunteering to walk dogs for the animal shelter. I realized that my town has a lot of great places to walk dogs and what a great way to exercise plus maybe meet some new people (those who exist outside a bar even!)
Well now maybe I can sleep.
Dax, I am so suprised to see you reply so thoughtfully. I know what you have been through and it means a great deal to me to read your words.
About those weight loss books. I will have to check them out. I have been pretty dilgent about finally tackling this weight issue. 2 years ago I was at my all time high and then lost 60lbs with Weight Watchers. But going through this last year I gained 20 back!!! I am now back to meetings and have lost 10 again since the A moved out. This is one thing that has been helping me cope. My focus on weight loss and exercise. It's wonderful to feel my body getting healthy again even though I kno mentally I still have food and emotional issues.
BTW I'm considering volunteering to walk dogs for the animal shelter. I realized that my town has a lot of great places to walk dogs and what a great way to exercise plus maybe meet some new people (those who exist outside a bar even!)
Well now maybe I can sleep.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Wishing that I could find the words that he would listen to.
But I just quoted something you said above. Let me remind you - you cannot reason with an active user. They will not listen - they choose not too.
Just reminding you it's time to live YOUR life and get the focus back on YOU! Not what he HAS done to you - but what you are going to do for yourself. And hopefully that's going to be to have a happy life!
Cruelty-Free
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Body: South Florida Heart: Yosemite National Park
Posts: 914
Way to go, sketscher! It's nice to hear you sounding so good!
Someone once told me, "If you want to build your self-esteem, you have to do estimable acts". It sounds to me like you're doing just that!
Someone once told me, "If you want to build your self-esteem, you have to do estimable acts". It sounds to me like you're doing just that!
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
(((sketscher)))
You are a STAR!!! I am so proud of you. And I, for one, am honoured to be witnessing part of your journey.
SS (hi there, stranger!!) is spot on - there really is nothing you can say that will hit home with an active alcoholic. Believe me, I've tried. In fact, if anything comes close to hitting home, all it will do is give them an excuse to get another drink. I really believe that the most loving thing we can do for an alcoholic, and also for us, is to walk away and let them hit their bottom.
And dax - big (((hugs))) to you. You made me smile today - I always knew there was a gentle heart in there. It must be hard for you to give support to someone in Sketscher's situation and I can tell it means a lot to her.
Keep us posted, sketscher - and don't forget that we're always here to listen.
You are a STAR!!! I am so proud of you. And I, for one, am honoured to be witnessing part of your journey.
SS (hi there, stranger!!) is spot on - there really is nothing you can say that will hit home with an active alcoholic. Believe me, I've tried. In fact, if anything comes close to hitting home, all it will do is give them an excuse to get another drink. I really believe that the most loving thing we can do for an alcoholic, and also for us, is to walk away and let them hit their bottom.
And dax - big (((hugs))) to you. You made me smile today - I always knew there was a gentle heart in there. It must be hard for you to give support to someone in Sketscher's situation and I can tell it means a lot to her.
Keep us posted, sketscher - and don't forget that we're always here to listen.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Southern Wisconsin
Posts: 378
Just wanted to add that another day has passed and I did talk to him live on the phone for about 5 minutes. I sorta poured out a few of my thoughts. Told him I want a real BF, a family and probably all the same things his wife once wanted. It's been a year and I can't stand it any longer. And I requested that he leave his storage unit open for me (as I know he'll not come for his stuff since he hardly cares about it and really that would be too hard for me to watch).
Anyway you guys know my whole story. I guess I am just trying to look at it from an outsiders perspective to help me through the pain. Now I'm just trying to look at it like this: Saying you love me is not enough. SHOW me and then maybe things can be different. And now is just not the time.
On a brighter side my dad came over and gave me a big ego boost when he praised my weekend art explosion! Then he took me to a sporting event. Nice break. WOW if my parents truly knew the kind of screwed up situation I let myself get into. It's really a dishonor to them. Maybe it's my age or this biological clock ticking but I seem to wonder a lot about what someone's mom would think of their actions or actions taken against their children....
I'm trying to stay strong. Thanks again for the support.
Anyway you guys know my whole story. I guess I am just trying to look at it from an outsiders perspective to help me through the pain. Now I'm just trying to look at it like this: Saying you love me is not enough. SHOW me and then maybe things can be different. And now is just not the time.
On a brighter side my dad came over and gave me a big ego boost when he praised my weekend art explosion! Then he took me to a sporting event. Nice break. WOW if my parents truly knew the kind of screwed up situation I let myself get into. It's really a dishonor to them. Maybe it's my age or this biological clock ticking but I seem to wonder a lot about what someone's mom would think of their actions or actions taken against their children....
I'm trying to stay strong. Thanks again for the support.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 261
Hi sketcher! I remember your story from a while ago..I hope you someday do find that someone that you can build a real life with!! A man with morals and values!!! Keep up with the exercising to help build your self-esteem!!! You go girl!! 
Member
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: The burbs, Maryland
Posts: 130
Just sitting here reading your posts and I can so relate. I suffer from low self esteem too. I believe that is why I stayed for so long in a relationship that clearly was not good for my mental health. And prior to that always got involved with the wrong men. You are doing great - keep it up!
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