JessicaNAJ

He thinks badly of me. That is his right. I cannot control what he feels or thinks about me. All I can do is control what I do and what I feel. If he don't like the way I am, sobeit. If I don't like the way he is, sobeit. We are only in control of what is ours.

I felt I needed to make it "right". So he didn't "not like" me. So what, I fill his head with a bunch of bs (well, not really all bs, but I think you know what I mean....sugarcoating) and say what he wants to hear to make him happy? What good will that do? He'll be happy, but where will I be. For a day or two, I will be content. But the cycle will start all over again. I will only say what I feel, from my heart. No lies, not exaggerations, no CoDe habits. These things have done nothing for me in the past, why would it make any difference now. The only person I need to convince is myself.....that I'm not worthless or weak, that I AM a good person, with a good heart, and a good mom.

If he thinks I'm a piece of $h!t, that is his right. I do not need to feel as though I need to convince him otherwise. It's what I know, and I know that I'm better than what he says. Drunk or sober.

If he gets confused by things I say and don't point it out to me, leading himself to feel as if I'm saying something I'm not, that is his confusion. It is not up to me to be more clear if he don't let me know he's confused. Example....the door in the basement needed to be replaced. He said he would do it. I didn't know he knew how to change an outside door, frame and all. I asked him if he was able to do that. If he knew how. He said, "Yeah". I said "Cool." I thought that was the end of it. Two weeks later he's telling me that I said he was uncapable of doing it. His confusion. I tried to clarify what was said, he wouldn't listen, I got frustrated. The next time I will simply tell him, that's not what I said or what I meant and I'm sorry if you took it the wrong way.

This weekend will NEVER happen again. It's his choice to go to the bar. If it hurts me, that is my hurt. I will deal with it in a healthy, mature manner. I will NOT chase him or try to convince him otherwise.

We are only in control of what is ours.



sigh ... This is going to take a lot of willpower, but I can do it....for me and my kids.

Wish me luck!!

minnie

Just keep your side of the street clean, hon. Directness, honesty and clarity, even if it's a straightforward "I don't know". Ask for what you need outright. If he is befuddled by drink, hangover, insecurity or whatever, let that fall on his shoulders. Don't let his confusion confuse you.

You are a very special person and don't believe anyone who tells you otherwise. I am so glad to have got to know you on here. Sometimes we are not proud of our behaviour, but that doesn't change the fact that we are lovable.

(((hugs)))

Minnie
xxx

FriendofBill

~~~~~~~~~People Pleasing~~~~~~~~~~

Dont ya just love that term? I please people so they will be happy, no?

NO!

I please them so I will NOT be unhappy. Ya see, if I do what you want or need, then chances are you will like me, or approve of me, or think Im a sweetie

Isnt that nice and controlling of me?

I just learned a year ago that people pleasing is an act of control. To keep someone calm, relaxed, not yelling, not angry, I will please them, hence, I am getting what I want deep down inside.

Well, sorry for my friends and family members, I dont do that anymore. I says what I means, and I means what I says (Popeye again).

And guess who loves me for that? Yup, me. I love myself cus I treat myself with respect and stand up for my needs and wants.

cwohio

jess - it takes courage to admit we messed up and you have shown much courage in your posts. you do so well, even when you fall - you look down and see what tripped you up and keep your eyes open for that stumbling spot the next time.

CatsTail

Friend of Bill,

I just wanted to say I'm learning alot from reading your posts.

Ngaire

elizabeth1979

Jessica,

Feelings are not fact and he thinks you ar a piece of sh*^? Well, thats his feelings that he owns and like you said, he has the right to feel that way. If I was a betting person, I would wager to say he doesnt really feel that way. But, people do what works and if you stopped doing what was working for him (Enabling) than of course he is cranky. Its not personal.
I know it hurts to hear your spouse (albeit ex) say that to you. But, he is not well. If someone in a coma was not able to treat you well and be what you wanted them to be, would you expect them to? No. He is not well. All we can do is stop putting ourselves in the situation to be hurt. I know you are hurting, and I am sorry for that!

((Jessica))

JessicaNAJ

Thank you Minnie and Chris...you have been there for me so much, and everything you say means so much to me

FOB - I do have a problem with "People Pleasing" as you put it. That is a huge issue I have to overcome. My mom suffered from depression/anxiety (I've inheritted the anxiety) and my dad was/is bi-polar. I always hurt my moms feelings when I was younger (especially b/c I was the only one of 5 kids who wanted to see my dad all the time). I felt as if I could never do or say anything right. AND I never wanted to hurt my dad - it was an ugly divorce and I wanted to make sure he didn't hate me the way he "said" he hated my mom (actually, my step-mom said it for him). Which is why I feel I have developed the "People Pleasing" technique (so to speak). I have a hard time being mean to someone, BUT I have come a very long way in the last 18 months since I started my CoDe recovery (at least I feel like I have ). It was/is very hard for me to put myself and my feelings first. But, I'm a work in process.

It's funny that you say that. We were talking last night and I was thinking the same exact thing. I've always been there for him, tried to give him hope, encouragment, love, etc. I rarely got that in return. He thinks that just because he quit drinking in March, and every now and then gives me a hug I should do the same and walk up to him and give him a hug. Which I do, I guess just not enough. Anyway, I tried to explain to him that a lot of damage has been done. That it will not go away overnight. That I need more emotional support from him...I need to feel it, to give it. A lot of trust has been lost and I'm reacting in a way to protect myself.

I also told him that I had a hard time trusting he would not drink (therefore a hard time opening my heart) because he told me when he stopped drinking in March, that it didn't mean he was going to never drink again, just that he wasn't going to drink now. I need to hear the words (or actions...more actions) "Jessie, I have a problem and I know that I can never drink again." I told him I need to feel his reassurance so I can let me guard down.

SS - he said he feels like he's kissing my @$$ cause whenever I call to ask him for something, he's right there and don't get nothing back in return. I told him that I appreciate EVERYTHING he has done for me, but it what he does that I don't ask for that matters most, that I don't want to ask for his help. I want him to just do it...know it has to be done and do it. I WILL DO MY BEST NOT TO ASK HIM FOR HIS HELP.

He told me that he needs to hear me say that I want to be with him. I honestly can't do that. I can't say yes or no. He don't understand that/I'm don't even think I understand it. But I did tell him that things CANNOT go back to the way they were.

I said what I meant. I could feel him trying to pull me in (which would be fine if I trusted him). I'm going to continue to protect my heart and my mind. This is my life. I need to live it for me.