benefits

I need help!!!! I don't know what is wrong with me I broke up with my ABF in January and I still cannot get over him. I was doing so well. Really feeling good about myself but every now and then I go thru these periods where I depserately want him back in my life even though I know it is no good for me. If you would look at my life I have so much going for me - I have a wonderful child, a great and supportive family, good friends (not a lot of friends but the ones I have are really good friends), a good job, nice house. I am not unattractive, I work out regualary and take care of myself. I am a very loving person and when I was with my ex I went above and beyond to call to treat him well. Yet here I am alone and lonely. He's off living it up, drinking and partying like he's 21 again. His house is now in foreclosure, the car will be gone soon to I suspect, he still owes me thousands of dollars (that I'm sure I will never see) but he can still go out and party. He really has nothing to offer me and he didn't love me and didn't respect me - so why can't I stop thinking about him. I know deep down I keep hoping that the next thing that goes wrong will push him back to me. But why??? Why would I want him back. I'm just a bit lost and desperate right now. I've started to get obesessive about him. If I'm going somewhere I will make it a point to cruise by his friends house to see if he is there or I'll swing by his bars to see if his car is in the lot. What is wrong with me?? Why can't I let this go?? I have talked to my counselor and he feels that the problem is that I feel rejected by my ex and that somehow this makes me feel less of a person and that is why I can't move on. I agree in part about that and I have been working on that but the real problem is I want to be a part of his life. I think I am addicted to the drama - and his life is filled with drama.
I am just so confused and upset. I don't even think I really want him back - I know he will never be there for me emotionally, etc. And the last few months that we were together I was really finding him quite irritating. I was hoping he would screw up again so I had an excuse to end things - and then when he did f-up and I kicked him out I end up missing him. What is wrong with me - please please please - I need some advice. And please don't tell me to keep busy and do something for myself. I have been trying that but no matter what I'm doing my mind will always wonder back to him!!!! HELP!!!!!!!!!!

millersgirl33

I know that I feel like that alot after loosing someone i've been with for awhile. Alot of people tend to get possessive, including myself, after having something for so long. I know with one of my x's who I have been apart from for about 3 years now, I still get these little nagging feelings every now and then. I have noticed that they do diminish and get easier with time. I was told once by someone who I respect deeply that when you loose a relationship you have to go through the greiving process. Even though it isnt the death of a person, it is the death of a relationship. My adivce to you is if your not familiar with the steps of the greiving process, read up on it. You might be surprised how much this might help you understand. Good Luck

CatsTail

I found as part of my recovery it's good to look at relationship addiction and always keep in mind that a long with alcoholism,drug addiction co-dependency, I'm also addicted to horrible relationships.

Ngaire

gelfling

Hi Benefits,

Have you considered counselling? There may be some underlying issues from eons ago that are causing you to have these thoughts and ideas toward someone whom you know isn't good for you.

Combining counselling and alanon has helped me in the past. There were other issues that I'd buried from years ago and when I was able to bring them up and out, I was able then able to cope and work on my program with more efficiency. The stupid thoughts I had didn't disappear, but I was better able to work them out in my head and learned how to accept reality.

Blessings

minnie

(((benefits)))

I know what you're saying. Can't live with them, can't live without them. For me, it was always about unfinished business. I hate untidy endings. I hate the fact that my feelings haven't been acknowledged. I hate that my ex has no understanding about the emotional turmoil that occurred during our relationship. But I know that I will never get any closure from him. I have to give it to myself. I started a thread on this a couple of weeks ago which helped me. Active alcoholics will not give you what you need, whether inside or outside a relationship.

Are you going to al-anon and working the Steps? Might be an worth a consideration if you're not.

Savana 54

(((benefits)))

I feel this way very often as well. I literally go back and forth with myself, as to why I continue to be part of this insanity, and why in the hell I would want him back...???

He has nothing going for him outside of what his Momma has given to him; and will probably not change in the near future. I think it's something definatley within in me, and a deeper issue that I haven't quite dealt with from my childhood. Actually I think I know what it is, I just don't know how to work through it yet, but I'm slowly learning.

I keep going back and forth in my mind about my xabf too. The only thing I can come up with, is that is takes time, A LOT of TIME to get over them, grieve and move on. Some say years, some say months, I think it's all up to us and how we deal with it. I do know that each time I have contact with him, which is usually by phone, I undo all my progress as far as moving on with my life.

I know the contact part is the key; but I struggle with this so much. Hang in there!

Hugs,
Savana

Cazza

I agree with Savana. If only it were easy to cut contact, because every time I see my A all the pain comes rushing back. If I go a while without contact it just becomes a dull ache. I start to miss him, open the flood gates, and I am back where I started, crying and depressed and questioning everything again. I think eventually we will just have had enough... we will let go when we are truly ready, and it takes time.

KarenKay

Hello...You are so strong. I wish I could be as strong as you and leave. In the past, when I have broken up with my ABF, I would do the same things...drive past his friends house, call him, wishing he would want me back. I always came across as pathetic. I promise myself that I won't do that the next time he doesn't come home or that we are fighting, but that's what I do. I wish you strength. It is so hard, but you have come so far, don't go back now. He will, someday, look back and know that he blow it. When that day comes, you will be happier in your life and have no need for him. What to do for now - take one day at a time, read a book, snuggle with your child, go out with friends (this is hard and it sucks and its no fun) but you will find yourself happier. Because you will not be crying all the time over things your ABF said, did, etc. I hope this helps, but I know how hard it is to leave; my only problem is not going back. I will make is someday, you did!!

nocellphone

benefits...

I was obsessed with my ex, once upon a time. I found that it had everything to do with my unresolved neediness and that I had confused "love" with "obsession".

I immersed myself in Al-Anon and--just like an addict!-- prayed for the obsession to be lifted. Eventually, it was. Of course, I had to be willing to let that obsession go...

benefits

Thanks for all of the advice. I am feeling much better. I was at church yesterday and the message was about letting go, about people who are "paralyzed" by past relationships, etc. and who are obsessed and need to let go. After listening to that it really helped me. I am going to try again to let go. It's hard but I want to do it so I am going to work at it and really try to let go.

sunshinebluesky

sure wish i was at your church yesterday!! what a coincidence,huh,that the sermon was about that!! your first post could have been written by me up until a couple of months ago. all i can say is it got better with time and not all at once. my drive bys became less and ended up none, my phone calls became none, and even after i had a conversation with mine a couple weeks ago ( we ran into each other due to work), when he asked if i had been by his house,"cuz THEY were getting ready to do a sh*tload of landscaping" ---i have felt no desire to ride by and check it out.what is odd, though is that very night i actually told a friend of mine that i thought someday we might end up back together. she said no you wont,i said i think we might even though i dont really want to!! hows that for some serious mood swings??!!
since then,he emailed and asked me to buy that stupid computer again,and i didnt even answer and have no plans to. i even quit talking to his dad on the computer.
maybe its my pride,now i dont know. i feel like if i ever let him back into my life in any way-- it would give the message that everything he did and didnt do was ok.and whether he meant to or not, he caused me too much hurt and sadness. i had at one point called him and told him i didnt really wish all the things i said on him, i was just going thru my process,and i was now OK with him.
that was not an apology, it was not license for him to think everything he did and didnt do was all ok, it was my way of making amends with myself and the way i handled things.
i know in my heart i wasnt happy for the last year we were together, and it confused the hell out of me, why i was so upset when we were apart, and then even worse when he found another. its just the loss in general, the routine we miss. even if the routine was crappy!!! and if you havent found anyone else in a romantic way, it intensifies it i think. but i am actually THANKFUL that i have not been asked out, as i sure as hell dont want to get involved in a needy rebound thing.

StandingStrong

First of all, let me share something with you that has hellped me tremendously - especially in the beginning.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=33960

Here's something that is helping me now - I just recently read this in a book and it caught my attention.
"We're afraid to let go. "What would happen if I did?" we think. The answer is - Nothing. Except what would have happened anyways, or perhaps something wonderful that we haven't even imagined."

I, like you, have a very hard time letting go. Ah and I have been seperated for a year and a half. We are going through a dissolution - my request. He doesn't want it - and a part of me doesn't either. But I know that for right now, for me, this is the best thing I can do.

You know, there's a saying you've probably heard before "Fake it till you make it". I never grasped that concept until Ah and I split up. I had the attitude of "I want to show ah that I can have a good life, an even better life without him". I am having a good life - and he does see it. Only the focus changed. It's not determination now to show him anything. It's to love myself enough to give myself a good life, a better life - with or without him!

It's time you love yourself. And stop focusing on that door of "what if's" and focus on the door that will open a whole new world to you.