more twisted details, need strength

Old 08-19-2005, 09:28 PM
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more twisted details, need strength

I just need someone to open up to about my current situation and mixed feelings. This place with all of your wisdom and support to all who come here is where I feel most comfortable.

Some of you may know of my story. That I first came here and admitted that my ABF is also married. That he lived with me for months til one night he was responsible for a hit and run. At that time he told me he needed to be away from anyone til he could stand on his own.

Since then he's resumed drinking heavily. We remained friends but are certainly not as close. Fortunately for me I am not subjected to all the drama, depression and hate filled messages from his wife. I no longer spend evenings waiting and worrying while he's at the bar. I am free... And actually have gotten my pre-ABF life back as far as goals and habits (good ones).

So you may wonder why am I writing here tonight? I'm going to spill my guts here okay. First off when he came to live with me, twice, it was because his wife kicked him out for spending time with me. Good reason, but he never had the courage to tell her, as he told me, that it was over between them. Or what problems he felt they had. He tells me he still loves her but they are incompatible (she hates his drinking???) That he feels I might be his soul mate. Anyway his guilt and shame is tremendous. Which of course is the perfect excuse to drink even more! And this cycle continued; needs me, guilt, drinks more, promises one day he'll feel differently.

Well now it's almost a year later and things have sorta turned once again. Next month their divorce is final. And any day now his wife is expecting their second child! That was one important detail I never revealed here. The last time they reunited she got pregnant. He's known of this since the second month of pregnancy and he did tell me. In the beginning he was coping with it quite well really. Better than I was I think. He assured me that one doesn't have to parent a child to have a positive influence on them. That he looked forward me being able to spend time with his children. But now things have changed. He calls but it's short, he won't spend time with me. I finally confronted him on this and he said with the divorce coming and the baby that he was having a hard time. But that he still loves me. But this keeps haunting me. That he doesn't want to spend time with me because he doesn't want to have to reveal to his child one day if he asks "dad, what were you doing when I was about to be born?"

So here I am left to feel that I am nothing but a shameful reminder to him that he's screwed up his life. That he'd be ashamed to admit being with me though he thinks nothing of going to the bar EVERYDAY and getting smashed. He'd rather tell his son that????

So I have been sort of avoiding him the last couple days since he refused to really talk about this anymore. And now it looks like he's returning the cold shoulder. And I just want support from you wonderful people that this really is the best for both of us. I have been over and over this in my head what I'd like to say to him to explain how hurt I feel and why I deserve respect regardless of how we began and at the same time I am crushed that he's not trying to call me. What it boils down to is that I know how screwed up this all is but I haven't let go of him and he hadn't let me go.

Please help me to stay strong.
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Old 08-19-2005, 10:24 PM
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Hi sketscher,


One word, honey......Al-anon. Sounds like a no win situation. I can tell you from past experience, get out before it tears you completely down. Easier said then done, but the alcoholic's lives are so filled with drama and ups and downs and more drama and heartache that it just wipes ya out.

You gotta take care of you. I'm a RA of 11 years and ended a relationship with my xabf about two months ago. So, i've been on both sides and neither one is pretty. Don't let this drag you under. I know that you care for him, but there are SO many better things for you out there in this world. Only sad and lonely times will come with an A and one that is dealing with divorce and a brand new baby.

Do for you with the faith that there is a much better life out there for you than what you're in now. You may not see it or even imagine it at this time, but once you take care of yourself and your needs, everything else will fall into place.

Keep posting and hang in there!

((hugs))
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Old 08-19-2005, 11:39 PM
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First, you are in the wrong having any contact with him at all while he is with her. Just plain wrong, no matter what he tells you about her. He is married to her and not you and no telling what he might say about you to her, but none of that is important, what is important is that you should RUN!!!
You stated this -

He tells me he still loves her but they are incompatible (she hates his drinking???) That he feels I might be his soul mate.

Does this mean you are okay with him at a bar!! He is an alcoholic and will say anything. RUN!
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Old 08-20-2005, 01:51 AM
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(((sketscher)))

Let me tell you something I have learned from alcoholics - those not in recovery are takers. Their sole purpose in life is to make themselves feel good, and avoid feeling bad, regardless of the impact on other people. In fact, they don't even see that they are having any negative impact. I spent so many wasted weeks and months moaning about "how could he do this to me?" and "why doesn't he understand how hurt I am by his actions?". 9 months on, my ex is still trying to get back together with me and has no comprehension of why hell would freeze over before that happens. I have been perfectly clear as to the reasons, but he chooses not to listen so I don't justify anymore. In fact, I refuse to discuss it. And I am having to come to terms with the reality that I won't get any form of tidy ending with him. He is unable to validate my feelings and my hurt because he refuses to face up to what he has done.

Walking away and having no contact would be the most healing thing you can do for yourself. Along with going to al-anon meetings. In those rooms, I learnt why I allowed myself to stay in a situation that was patently unhealthy for me. I am beginning to feel confident that I won't fall into the same trap in the future.

Good luck and don't be a stranger here.
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Old 08-20-2005, 03:22 AM
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my take on this

my AH is out of the house. We have 3 kids. I have realized that he is acting out on his immaturity and not taking responsibility for TAKING CARE OF HIS FAMILY. and his beer drinking and drugging career will not possibly allow him to get past his immaturity and face up to the real reality of what real life is all about. not about the illusion that LIFE IS ONE BIG DRUNKEN PARTY. He has three children for God's sake. as much as your A may love you, he still has a responsibility to his FAMILY. AND as much as YOU think he loves you. He CANNOT POSSIBLY LOVE ANYONE AS MUCH AS HE LOVES HIS ADDICTION. His wife probably knows this by now as well.

so maybe you should look at YOUR ISSUES and see if you don't have some kind of relationship addiction which attracts you to UNAVAILABLE MEN. the steps are a good place to start.
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Old 08-20-2005, 05:40 AM
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Do you realize the drama, shame and pain you are surrounded in with this man?

Hows it working for you?

Seems that you have no self love and are open for emotional torture.

Al-anon,,,run, dont walk.
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Old 08-20-2005, 06:49 AM
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Sketcher,dear,you don't need to be here.Getting involved with married folks is trouble.Married,,hands off.Treat others as you would want to be treated,is a great way to start over.Since you are already in it,You say that he still loves her.How he treats her,will be how he treats you.Sounds harsh,but its the truth,of why would he treat you,any, better than his wife?Because you love him?She loved him too.The sickness continues,Until he comes to grips and gets help.This is his sickness,.He himself owns this.And by your post,his actions ARE,that he is not treating you good.Believe his actions,they are the truth.
You can dust yourself off,and start a whole new life.New beginnings.Recovery for you,with the Al-anon program.You are worthy.You are worthy of true love.With another who is free to give this love to you.You are worthy of recovery.
Let go,let God work into your life.
My prayers are with you,God Bless,take care!!!!!!!
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Old 08-20-2005, 07:00 AM
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Thank you to all who replied. Every word is appreciated. What I needed was some reinforcement that I am moving in the right direction. AWAY and on to my own life.

This board, reading your stories and replies to other, always helps me. My story is complicated but as you guys point out, it's his drama. That is one thing that I always come back to. He mostly created his own drama. And first and foremost it was created by his drinking. That is no one's fault but his. Yes I know I was wrong but I can't change that now. I can only move on and learn from it.

I admit I haven't completely let go but we are drifting apart. And I do feel myself getting stronger. It doesn't hurt like it used to tho it still hurts sometimes. But as I said I have resumed my normal life. Been very productive, gardening, painting (I'm an artist), sculpting, reading, exercising.

I haven't ignored my own reasons for getting involved with an unavailable man. I feel uncomfortable going into all the details about that aspect because I know many will have no compassion and I understand that. This is also the reason I am reluctant to go to Al-Anon. Face to face I can not deal with the scruntiny of being the OW. I can't take back my mistakes.

Hope some of you will remain "friends" because I love this place.
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Old 08-20-2005, 07:48 AM
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I am in a very similiar situation, however I am the wife. My AH has not yet moved in with the OW and it is a fear of mine that my situation coould turn out just like yours. My AH continues to tell me he loves me and our 3 kids but his actions are very different. I felt sorry for the OW because she got sucked right in to his lies. Then I got angry because she began to lie too. I have taken ownership of my part in our relationship and my denial and ignorance. But it doesn't hurt any less. Don't believe a word this man says. He is sick and cannot truly love or be happy until he gets the help he needs and then it will still be a long haul. And after that he may want his wife and family back, she may not want him, he may want you, you may not want him, who knows. But I agree with everyone who says married means hands off. Shame on all of us involved.

J
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Old 08-20-2005, 09:47 AM
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Hi,

Pull yourself up off the tracks, time not lay in front of an oncoming train.

I echo Friend of Bill, run,don't walk to an Ala-non meeting and a Co-Dependents Anonymous meeting in your area if there are any.

Don't take his calls, change your phone number. Stay away from him.
Bad news, very dishonest, jerking you around.

Ngaire
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Old 08-20-2005, 10:06 AM
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Wow, you sure have made a lot of changes for the better in such a short period of time. Good for you for your strength and perserverance. As long as you leave anydoor open, he's going to keep coming back. Perhaps it's time to change your phone number.

Blessings
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Old 08-20-2005, 12:29 PM
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Sketscher,

No reason for people to be friends with you because of what you disclosed. It's time for you to get away from him that's all.

Ngaire
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Old 08-20-2005, 12:32 PM
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Sorry Sketsher,

I meant no reason for people to NOT be friends because of what you disclosed.



It's fine, I've done things too.

Ngaire
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Old 08-20-2005, 03:17 PM
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(((Sketcher)))

I would like to ask you a couple of questions...do you feel that you have choosen to be involved with a MM out of wanting to abandon yourself ? Do you feeel that you are trying to prove to yourself something about men. I believe that men who cheat on their wives do so with someone whom they preceive to be non committal and unavailable in someway. I think the fact that a person would get involved with someone male or female that is married or even fresh out of a relationship is a statement that says to the other "I am not available" and to be involved with this person is saying "I am not available either". We all know that alcoholics and drug addicts are not available... Do you agree?

I am sure that if you truely are looking for a committed relationship than you would never even consider a married man so what is this wall about that is leading you to start developing a pattern of being involved with unavailable men?

To me you sound like a perfectly wonderful person and I can't understand why you would want to hurt yourself in this way. I think by your being honest with us is a sign that you do want to change your behavior.

A long time ago when I was drinking I became involved with a married man I did not know that he was married and when I found out that he was I broke off the relationship. But it did show me that I was not trying to get to know this person and it did make me question myself and ask myself some pretty pointed questions about why I got involved with him in the first place. Oh he was pissed off too and wanted to demand that I stay involved with him and even hurt his wife and told her about me all I knew is that I was well rid of him and when his wife called me I asured her that I was not ever going to be with him again and I told her I was sorry that I did not investigate more closely before I got involved with him. It did make me look at what I was doing to myself but, to me it was the only good that came out of it and I hate that I had let myself abandonment get to the point that it did...
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Old 08-21-2005, 08:14 PM
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Adding a question

First I want to point out that I mentioned with a question mark whether his wife was incompatible due to his drinking. That was only because I now see that that might be the only reason she is perceived this way by him. Maybe he even knows this under the charade.

Secondly, I have never done anything like this before. I did not persue him. And when it began it was a horrible mistake that I thought was just a fling. But I let myself get sucked in for many reasons.

I think he has realized that he was wrong in believing that his unhappiness was due to his marriage. And now the already strained marriage has become intolerable. I do believe he loves me but I also believe he wishes he could have his marriage back. As miserable as it was for him it's now ten times worse. I have actually hoped at times that they would reconcile. I get so sick of his depression and crying to me about it.

Maybe the baby will bring them back together. And I am prepared for that. Honestly I think that would be easier for me to handle than for me to go through another year of him expecting me to wait for him to "get better".

Do you guys think I should explain this to him? Or any of my feelings? I'd have to write him a letter to really explain all that I want.

Maybe I should just pray to God that his wife forgive him.
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Old 08-21-2005, 08:30 PM
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but...but... (((((Sketcher)))))

You did not answer my question about abandoning yourself by setting yourself up with unavailable men and you said you did it twice and three times we could call it a pattern...
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Old 08-21-2005, 11:21 PM
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Hon, they are never going to have a healthy marriage whilst a) he is still drinking and b) whilst you are still in the picture.

Personally, I think the healthiest thing you can do is to walk away from this man and run to an al-anon or coda meeting. Stop trying to figure out why HE does stuff and work on why YOU have got yourself into this situation.

What do you want out of your life?
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Old 08-22-2005, 03:06 AM
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I echo Splendra and Minnie, you need to get away from him and you also don't owe him any explanation as to why.

Just.............RUN!RUN!

The situation is totally in the negative for you. Don't worry about them or their marriage.

He made his bed he can lie in it.

Ngaire
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Old 08-22-2005, 06:41 AM
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You must have a terrible self image to involve yourself with a married man. Do you really think that a jerk like him that will lie to his wife will tell you the truth??? There is nothing good about this situation. The only recourse is to get as far away from this man as you can. If a husband and wife are not getting along- another womean justy hurts their chances for making it. There are children invovled here. You are hurting their chances for a happy life. If you end up with him- you will get a real prize- a drinking alcoholic cheater. There is no justification for you being with this man. Get away. dax
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Old 08-22-2005, 02:19 PM
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Thank you everyone. I do not disagree with anything anyone has said here.

Yes my self esteem is low. I could fill pages with the unavailable angle which is why I don't begin to pour that out.

I do feel like I need to explain myself to him but you guys are right. I don't owe it to him. He would not listen anyway or try to understand.

He has chosen his path. Now I must choose mine.

THX!!!
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