I have a major problem!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
I have a major problem!
Just when I think I'm over most of my co-de habits one comes back to bite me. For some reason, I just can't give this one up .... no matter how hard I try, I am constantly justifying this action.
I have not been working since December of 2004 being laid off from my job. I collected UI and have been doing the odd job here and there. Not much money to speak of.
I handle the finances in our house, which are tenuous at best. When my husband asks about them, I say they are fine, we are fine. I lie to him. I am so afraid to share this with him, afraid that he will start drinking, that he can't handle the pressure.
I spend money on things I shouldn't, things for the kids, things for the dogs, things for the house. I try to justify all these expenditures, but in reality and in my mind I know I can't.
Today he got a call from our mortgage company saying they had not received our payment for August. He called me and asked me and I said "No, I didn't pay it, we didn't have it yet". The bad part here is I lied and told him I did. I came clean about everything financially.
I offered to leave so he didn't have to put up my BS anymore.
I try to justify this by saying I'm protecting him, I'm keeping him happy but I am the one who suffers with restless nights of worry.
What do I do? Why am I doing this? He is so angry and I don't blame him one bit ... there are no more excuses.
I have not been working since December of 2004 being laid off from my job. I collected UI and have been doing the odd job here and there. Not much money to speak of.
I handle the finances in our house, which are tenuous at best. When my husband asks about them, I say they are fine, we are fine. I lie to him. I am so afraid to share this with him, afraid that he will start drinking, that he can't handle the pressure.
I spend money on things I shouldn't, things for the kids, things for the dogs, things for the house. I try to justify all these expenditures, but in reality and in my mind I know I can't.
Today he got a call from our mortgage company saying they had not received our payment for August. He called me and asked me and I said "No, I didn't pay it, we didn't have it yet". The bad part here is I lied and told him I did. I came clean about everything financially.
I offered to leave so he didn't have to put up my BS anymore.
I try to justify this by saying I'm protecting him, I'm keeping him happy but I am the one who suffers with restless nights of worry.
What do I do? Why am I doing this? He is so angry and I don't blame him one bit ... there are no more excuses.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: houston, tx
Posts: 323
My Husband did this to me. He knew I would be angry but it caused more fighting because he would not come clean. He spent and ran up a huge credit card debt. yes - you should talk to someone.
Have you considered working for a pet sitter? It could be good extra income. dax
Have you considered working for a pet sitter? It could be good extra income. dax
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
Originally Posted by Dakoda
I kind of have that problem with spending money I don't have on things that I don't need, but only sometimes. It seems it happens when I am feeling extreme on either end of the spectrum....like when I've been very upset and held it in for too long, or, when things are going a little 'too calmly', and there has been a lack of drama in my life!
When I'm in the middle....dealing with problems, but not overly happy or depressed, that's when I don't do it.
At least you came clean with him, and maybe now this is something that the two of you are meant to work on together as a team...both sharing in the responsibility and the stress of getting those bills paid.
When I'm in the middle....dealing with problems, but not overly happy or depressed, that's when I don't do it.
At least you came clean with him, and maybe now this is something that the two of you are meant to work on together as a team...both sharing in the responsibility and the stress of getting those bills paid.
Maybe I am very angry and don't let things out, don't just scream and yell. I think I'm afraid if I do this we'd have WWIII on the east coast of the US.
I'm trying to build up a pet sitting business ... my husband complains about that also. Sometimes I board dogs here, other times I go out and watch/walk them. He complains about boarding the dogs here because of the dogs that are here already. But I kennel them outside in a very secure kennel. The owners always know and see where their dog will be sleeping and eating. My daughter actually went outside with the last dog and slept out there in her sleeping bag because she felt so bad. Anyway ... getting away from the subject.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: US
Posts: 316
Oh my...that is the SAME thing my husband did to me. And just so you know, I might have appeared angry with him on this forum, but I NEVER let him know how angry I really was.
You have GOT to come clean with with, you have GOT to get help. There is now way out of this hole if you keep burying yourself in it.
6 months later, I can now say we are totally out of debt and have a bit of a savings...shocking! My husband has his alloted money each week and I don't question how he spends it. "Gamble away with your allowance and eat peanut butter and jelly the rest of the week instead of going out to lunch"....his choice.
On my end...I know to the penny how much we have in each account. Bills are on time, I have a plan (he knows and approves of it).
THIS has been the most powerful thing I have ever done with my life.
And YOU can do it do. Seriously...don't give up.
I have a million details...PM me if you want the details of how we got out of over $100,000 in debt (I am NOT kidding with that figure). And no, I am not selling anything. LOL!
You CAN do this. Financial issues make everything else seem a million times harder. You can get it under control.
Jenny
You have GOT to come clean with with, you have GOT to get help. There is now way out of this hole if you keep burying yourself in it.
6 months later, I can now say we are totally out of debt and have a bit of a savings...shocking! My husband has his alloted money each week and I don't question how he spends it. "Gamble away with your allowance and eat peanut butter and jelly the rest of the week instead of going out to lunch"....his choice.
On my end...I know to the penny how much we have in each account. Bills are on time, I have a plan (he knows and approves of it).
THIS has been the most powerful thing I have ever done with my life.
And YOU can do it do. Seriously...don't give up.
I have a million details...PM me if you want the details of how we got out of over $100,000 in debt (I am NOT kidding with that figure). And no, I am not selling anything. LOL!
You CAN do this. Financial issues make everything else seem a million times harder. You can get it under control.
Jenny
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
Sounds like your powerless over money/finances and your life is unmanageable.
Sound familiar?
Lying about it, overspending, causing more problems by it....kinda sounds like how an alcoholic behaves.
There is a fellowship: Debtors Anonymous.
Try it.
Sound familiar?
Lying about it, overspending, causing more problems by it....kinda sounds like how an alcoholic behaves.
There is a fellowship: Debtors Anonymous.
Try it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: DooDooville, USA
Posts: 453
Judy! 
I'm proud of you!!! You've always held so strong and (not that I've ever read, but haven't been on SR for a long time) so firm and I knew that, deep inside, you had fears like I did. It takes ALOT to come out and be honest about that and I'm so glad you did.
My ex H had alot of debt. $20K of it that he accrued himself way before we were married. Then, when we got married, the creditors came after me and intimidated the heck outta me. I took the $20K out of my inheritance $ from my parents (both deceased) and paid his debts off. He had stopped paying on them years before.
I became really bitter about that because he never even thought twice about it. Never offered to pay it back. I know.....people say that when you get married, their debts become your's too, but my parents saved their butts off for their family so that we 3 kids could have a healthy savings to build on for the future and for our kids. My parents didn't save $ for my ex to be debt free. We had alot of problems with that. Plus, the fact that his company didn't have 401k's, ira's and he wasn't saving anything for our future, he assumed since I had $$ that he was gonna be sitting pretty without having to save a dime. WRONG! I got him to sign a legal document to pay me back the $20K and that plus other factors caused us to get a divorce last year.
There is an AWESOME forum that helped me SO much when I was going through the financial problems in my marriage. I had some small debts of my own and then my ex's. The people on there helped me, step-by-step, pay off all the debts. It took awhile, but they all got paid off and now I'm debt free except for my mortgage. I don't spend $ that I don't have and I found really cheap ways to buy food, clothing....etc.
PM me, if you'd like to and I can give you the forum's website address and info. They're amazing and I learned SO much from them. Every now and then, I'll go back on there with a question and get like 15 answers within an hour or two.
I now invest in real estate and in asset allocations and am doing what my parents asked of me and that was to build onto the $ they gave to me.
You can do it, Judy, I know you can!! Please don't be so hard on yourself. We're all here for a reason and we all help each other out. You've helped me so much, I'm just grateful that maybe I can help you in this area.
((hugs))
I'm proud of you!!! You've always held so strong and (not that I've ever read, but haven't been on SR for a long time) so firm and I knew that, deep inside, you had fears like I did. It takes ALOT to come out and be honest about that and I'm so glad you did.My ex H had alot of debt. $20K of it that he accrued himself way before we were married. Then, when we got married, the creditors came after me and intimidated the heck outta me. I took the $20K out of my inheritance $ from my parents (both deceased) and paid his debts off. He had stopped paying on them years before.
I became really bitter about that because he never even thought twice about it. Never offered to pay it back. I know.....people say that when you get married, their debts become your's too, but my parents saved their butts off for their family so that we 3 kids could have a healthy savings to build on for the future and for our kids. My parents didn't save $ for my ex to be debt free. We had alot of problems with that. Plus, the fact that his company didn't have 401k's, ira's and he wasn't saving anything for our future, he assumed since I had $$ that he was gonna be sitting pretty without having to save a dime. WRONG! I got him to sign a legal document to pay me back the $20K and that plus other factors caused us to get a divorce last year.
There is an AWESOME forum that helped me SO much when I was going through the financial problems in my marriage. I had some small debts of my own and then my ex's. The people on there helped me, step-by-step, pay off all the debts. It took awhile, but they all got paid off and now I'm debt free except for my mortgage. I don't spend $ that I don't have and I found really cheap ways to buy food, clothing....etc.
PM me, if you'd like to and I can give you the forum's website address and info. They're amazing and I learned SO much from them. Every now and then, I'll go back on there with a question and get like 15 answers within an hour or two.
I now invest in real estate and in asset allocations and am doing what my parents asked of me and that was to build onto the $ they gave to me.
You can do it, Judy, I know you can!! Please don't be so hard on yourself. We're all here for a reason and we all help each other out. You've helped me so much, I'm just grateful that maybe I can help you in this area.
((hugs))
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
(((ASpouse)))
You are very brave to open up on here - big respect.
At one point in my life I was a slot machine gambler. I used to spend hours in pubs or arcades pouring all my money into the slots to escape my life. I was in total denial of the problems it was causing me and I kept it a secret. In fact, until today, there were only 2 people who had any idea about it. So there you go - it's out there now!
Why are you doing it? I can't answer that question for you, but can perhaps give you some things to ponder. Perhaps you haven't adjusted to the reality of losing your job and your spending patterns haven't changed to accomodate the new situation. Perhaps you didn't want to change your lifestyle in case in affected hubby's sobriety. Perhaps you can't give up control of the finances to hubby because of past history.
I don't know why you do it, but I do know that I can't change anything about myself until I acknowledge the problem and have some understanding of why I acted in that way.
This concerns me, but I can understand it. You know that nothing you do or don't do can cause his drinking. Trying to protect him from life's pressures is rescuing.
If I were in your situation, I would make a living amends by getting real about the financial situation, creating a budget and sticking to it. Involve your hubby - it's his life too.
Good luck, hon.
You are very brave to open up on here - big respect.
At one point in my life I was a slot machine gambler. I used to spend hours in pubs or arcades pouring all my money into the slots to escape my life. I was in total denial of the problems it was causing me and I kept it a secret. In fact, until today, there were only 2 people who had any idea about it. So there you go - it's out there now!
Why are you doing it? I can't answer that question for you, but can perhaps give you some things to ponder. Perhaps you haven't adjusted to the reality of losing your job and your spending patterns haven't changed to accomodate the new situation. Perhaps you didn't want to change your lifestyle in case in affected hubby's sobriety. Perhaps you can't give up control of the finances to hubby because of past history.
I don't know why you do it, but I do know that I can't change anything about myself until I acknowledge the problem and have some understanding of why I acted in that way.
I am so afraid to share this with him, afraid that he will start drinking, that he can't handle the pressure.
If I were in your situation, I would make a living amends by getting real about the financial situation, creating a budget and sticking to it. Involve your hubby - it's his life too.
Good luck, hon.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
Thank you all.
By no means am I perfect and of course I have problems. I've been living with an alcoholic for so long that one problem is one I seem to be OK about.
Minnie, I don't think he'll start drinking again! His recovery is very important to him and I don't think I can cause him to start drinking. He is more angry that I tell him things when they are out of control. I can sit here and make excuse after excuse, but there are no more.
FOB, thank you for the info on DA ..... I started to check it, will look some more after I have my first cup of coffee.
You all have given me a lot to think about and find the strength to do something about it.
Gianna, I'm not a very good trainer, a good student and good with my dogs and a few others, but training I'm not very good at.
By no means am I perfect and of course I have problems. I've been living with an alcoholic for so long that one problem is one I seem to be OK about.
Minnie, I don't think he'll start drinking again! His recovery is very important to him and I don't think I can cause him to start drinking. He is more angry that I tell him things when they are out of control. I can sit here and make excuse after excuse, but there are no more.
FOB, thank you for the info on DA ..... I started to check it, will look some more after I have my first cup of coffee.
You all have given me a lot to think about and find the strength to do something about it.
Gianna, I'm not a very good trainer, a good student and good with my dogs and a few others, but training I'm not very good at.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
I understand exactly what you're saying Minnie, I really do. Perhaps that is my excuse for not telling him things? Sort of like an excuse to justify what I do?
Things are OK today. He went to work. Before he left he asked me if I had $ for food shopping. I told him no, I gave everything to him (that's the truth). He said I'll leave you a check for food. I told him to leave me what he wanted and I'd make due with whatever. Believe me, we're not starving here.
So what does he do? He leaves me a blank check on the kitchen table ..... sigh.
Things are OK today. He went to work. Before he left he asked me if I had $ for food shopping. I told him no, I gave everything to him (that's the truth). He said I'll leave you a check for food. I told him to leave me what he wanted and I'd make due with whatever. Believe me, we're not starving here.
So what does he do? He leaves me a blank check on the kitchen table ..... sigh.
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