Questions on Drug Testing
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Southwest
Posts: 20
Questions on Drug Testing
My husband and I have separated as of Tuesday evening because he keeps relapsing. It will most likely be a while before we are living together again, if ever, but one of the conditions I am going to place for the time being is that he agree to be drug tested weekly while we are apart.
Does anyone have thoughts on this? What have your experiences been with this and do you have any recommendations on where to get drug tests that are reliable?
I am not sure if this is a good idea or not.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Does anyone have thoughts on this? What have your experiences been with this and do you have any recommendations on where to get drug tests that are reliable?
I am not sure if this is a good idea or not.
Any advice would be appreciated.
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Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 727
Forcing adults to do anything,hammer over their heads,
never lasts for long.Even if they are willing to subject themselves to this in the first place.From my own experience here.
And doesnt get to the root and causes of the issue.
or producing the desire,inside of them, to quit.
May even backfire.
recovery is about me.My recovery.What am i willing,to do, today in "my" recovery?
never lasts for long.Even if they are willing to subject themselves to this in the first place.From my own experience here.
And doesnt get to the root and causes of the issue.
or producing the desire,inside of them, to quit.
May even backfire.
recovery is about me.My recovery.What am i willing,to do, today in "my" recovery?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: St. Paul MN
Posts: 58
While reading this, I was asking myself.....what does she hope to accomplish?
What are you looking to do, guarantee to yourself that he is sober? Is it because you have children together and you don't want him to care for your children if he is using?
I guess I don't see this as being a good idea. Let him control his own behavior and you control yours. If you are separating from your spouse, I assume that to mean that you each go about your lives and not meddle in the others, until you either work things out because you both want to, or you choose to finalize your separation. Are you both going to counseling? Are you really going to ask him to pee in a cup each week?
My take is this, either he is going to use or not use, and you need to decide if you can live with either choice because he isn't going to stop using because you asked him to take tests weekly and he isn't going to stop using if you don't. He is only going to stop using if that is what he decides to do.
My RAH is 11 months sober and is required to have random drug and alcohol screening as a part of his program....to tell you the truth, it doesn't make it any easier. If he tests positive he won't be able to work in his field again, but that doesn't mean every day of sobriety is not a tough one for my RAH. I came home from a weekend away and he had thrown out all the baking goods in the house because he had a strong urge to drink whatever he could get his hands on.....despite the realization that he could never work in his field (which he loves) and the fact that he could be tested at any time, he still has an incredible urge to drink. This is a disease and your AH will continue to struggle with staying sober whether or not you have the validation that you need. I guess I would rather ask that he attend AA meetings or counseling as a condition, then submit to drug testing. Just my opinion...take what you like and leave the rest.
What are you looking to do, guarantee to yourself that he is sober? Is it because you have children together and you don't want him to care for your children if he is using?
I guess I don't see this as being a good idea. Let him control his own behavior and you control yours. If you are separating from your spouse, I assume that to mean that you each go about your lives and not meddle in the others, until you either work things out because you both want to, or you choose to finalize your separation. Are you both going to counseling? Are you really going to ask him to pee in a cup each week?
My take is this, either he is going to use or not use, and you need to decide if you can live with either choice because he isn't going to stop using because you asked him to take tests weekly and he isn't going to stop using if you don't. He is only going to stop using if that is what he decides to do.
My RAH is 11 months sober and is required to have random drug and alcohol screening as a part of his program....to tell you the truth, it doesn't make it any easier. If he tests positive he won't be able to work in his field again, but that doesn't mean every day of sobriety is not a tough one for my RAH. I came home from a weekend away and he had thrown out all the baking goods in the house because he had a strong urge to drink whatever he could get his hands on.....despite the realization that he could never work in his field (which he loves) and the fact that he could be tested at any time, he still has an incredible urge to drink. This is a disease and your AH will continue to struggle with staying sober whether or not you have the validation that you need. I guess I would rather ask that he attend AA meetings or counseling as a condition, then submit to drug testing. Just my opinion...take what you like and leave the rest.
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Join Date: Jun 2004
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I thought about asking my ex to consent to random breathalizers. I think personally forcing drug tests is a bad idea. We cant control the use of an addict. I know that for me and my situation , when it seemed like I was 'forcing' him into recovery, he ran the other way. Human nature.
I would maybe try and take a look at another alternative as to how you think the two of you can live together, other than drug testing.
Good luck
I would maybe try and take a look at another alternative as to how you think the two of you can live together, other than drug testing.
Good luck
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Southwest
Posts: 20
Clarifying...
I agree that good points are being made. I guess that I should clarify my position and what is going so that what I am asking makes sense in context.
I agree counseling is a good Idea, as well as AA meetings. But the thing is that he was going to AA meetings, and we were sporadically going to counseling... At least he SAID he was going to AA meetings. I am becoming convinced that he may have been lying. The thing is that I have only caught him using... I don't know for long periods of time if he has been or not. Until he gets caught. So my problem is one of trust (which I am sure you can all relate to). I don't have any way of knowing if he is using or not unless I test him.
I won't take him back unless I can be sure he is not using for a period of time. I hate the thought of testing, and I can see where it would be counter productive and humiliating. But I don't want him around, and I don't want to take him back, unless I KNOW he is clean. We don't have children together but I do have a 13 year old daughter and she doesn't need to be around it either.
I just don't know what to do. He lies...so how can I believe him unless I have some sort of tangible proof?
I agree counseling is a good Idea, as well as AA meetings. But the thing is that he was going to AA meetings, and we were sporadically going to counseling... At least he SAID he was going to AA meetings. I am becoming convinced that he may have been lying. The thing is that I have only caught him using... I don't know for long periods of time if he has been or not. Until he gets caught. So my problem is one of trust (which I am sure you can all relate to). I don't have any way of knowing if he is using or not unless I test him.
I won't take him back unless I can be sure he is not using for a period of time. I hate the thought of testing, and I can see where it would be counter productive and humiliating. But I don't want him around, and I don't want to take him back, unless I KNOW he is clean. We don't have children together but I do have a 13 year old daughter and she doesn't need to be around it either.
I just don't know what to do. He lies...so how can I believe him unless I have some sort of tangible proof?
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: St. Paul MN
Posts: 58
Just a gentle reminder: Just because he gets sober and stays sober does not mean he will be sober forever. There are people who relapse that have worked a good program for 15-20 years and then for whatever reason, they are back at square one. That is the nature of this disease, it is a soul disease. Also, just because he passes the test does not mean he is "sober"...living with a dry drunk can be just as bad if not worse than living with a drinking drunk. The point of each poster is that you can never really be fully sure beyond a doubt that an addict is not using and it is about what choices you are going to make. I believe that you have already made your choice given the situation, I just don't think you need to bring testing into it.
I have faith that my RAH is not using and I have faith in myself that I would know what to do if he was.....I can only control my behavior and actions.....I leave his to him.
Lastly, what more proof do you need that he is an addict and will be an addict for the rest of his life? This is nothing that drug testing is going to change. That is something you are just going to have to accept and then make the decision as to what you are going to do about your behavior and your marriage.
I have faith that my RAH is not using and I have faith in myself that I would know what to do if he was.....I can only control my behavior and actions.....I leave his to him.
Lastly, what more proof do you need that he is an addict and will be an addict for the rest of his life? This is nothing that drug testing is going to change. That is something you are just going to have to accept and then make the decision as to what you are going to do about your behavior and your marriage.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Southwest
Posts: 20
Certainly a good point. I guess I am having trouble dealing with the uncertainty. In order for me to go on with the marriage, and try to salvage what we have, then I need to know that he is at least serious right now. I have NO faith in him.
He has lied to me so many times... how can I trust that he is serious now??? I guess that drug testing won't make me absolutely sure...but I am not sure what can make me sure ENOUGH to take the risk of trying to work this out with him now. I know he will always be an addict, but will he try to control it at least? At least try?? I guess there are no cut and dried answers.
He has lied to me so many times... how can I trust that he is serious now??? I guess that drug testing won't make me absolutely sure...but I am not sure what can make me sure ENOUGH to take the risk of trying to work this out with him now. I know he will always be an addict, but will he try to control it at least? At least try?? I guess there are no cut and dried answers.
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Hon, how about looking at it another way? Let him prove it to you first before to get back together. Go to some al-anon meetings and also some open AA meetings - that way you can see what recovery really looks like.
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