It is late at night
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Topeka Kansas
Posts: 10
It is late at night
It is late at night and my husband has gotten drunk again. We talk about his drinking all the time. He says he wants to quit but doesn't. I am thinking about telling him he has to go some were else when he is drinking and that I don't want alcohol in the house any more. I love the sober man I married, not the drunk. Am I being unreasonable?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Hi Alice and welcome
We have a saying here - love the addict, hate the disease. They are like two different people and we keep rooting for the clean one to come back.
Make yourself comfortable here, read the "sticky posts" at the top of Al-anon and Nar-Anon forums, and read some of the posts.
You will realize that you cannot control his disease. You didn't cause it, can't cure it and can't control it. He will change only when he is ready and willing to do it.
But you can do some very healthy and healing things for yourself.
You can learn to enjoy life again...whether or not he is drunk or sober. And you can learn to let go of his disease.
If you haven't been to a live Al-anon meeting, I recommend it. You will meet wonderful people who have all been where you are and you can learn how to work the 12-steps and make your life more beautiful.
And feel free to post here often. We are all family here and we encourage and support each other, we share and cry together and we laugh together. Sometimes we prop each other up when we are too tired to stand on our own. And we recover together and learn to live again.
I am glad you joined us.
We have a saying here - love the addict, hate the disease. They are like two different people and we keep rooting for the clean one to come back.
Make yourself comfortable here, read the "sticky posts" at the top of Al-anon and Nar-Anon forums, and read some of the posts.
You will realize that you cannot control his disease. You didn't cause it, can't cure it and can't control it. He will change only when he is ready and willing to do it.
But you can do some very healthy and healing things for yourself.
You can learn to enjoy life again...whether or not he is drunk or sober. And you can learn to let go of his disease.
If you haven't been to a live Al-anon meeting, I recommend it. You will meet wonderful people who have all been where you are and you can learn how to work the 12-steps and make your life more beautiful.
And feel free to post here often. We are all family here and we encourage and support each other, we share and cry together and we laugh together. Sometimes we prop each other up when we are too tired to stand on our own. And we recover together and learn to live again.
I am glad you joined us.
Grace Under Fire
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Another world
Posts: 536
Hi Alice, welcome!
My son's are my "A's", and they absolute-
ly are not allowed to drink in my home.
This is your husband, which is different-
but there will be alot of wife's and
girlfriends around to offer their exper-
ience, strength, and hope.
Keep coming back!
(And ditto to everything Anns said.)
Hugs,
My son's are my "A's", and they absolute-
ly are not allowed to drink in my home.
This is your husband, which is different-
but there will be alot of wife's and
girlfriends around to offer their exper-
ience, strength, and hope.
Keep coming back!
(And ditto to everything Anns said.)
Hugs,
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Topeka Kansas
Posts: 10
Thank You
Anns, thank you for replying. I am trying to get to an Al anon meeting and am working with a therapist. I have not conquered all my boundary issues enough to get there yet. Lots of PTSD stuff. I love my husband very, very much and you have given me some hope.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Alice
There is a great PTSD board here too and MG (Morning Glory) has posted some wonderful information threads. Don't miss visiting "Imagine Peace" - my favourite.
You will find that you are among friends here. This truly is a wonderful fellowship and I am so grateful for all the wonderful people here.
There is a great PTSD board here too and MG (Morning Glory) has posted some wonderful information threads. Don't miss visiting "Imagine Peace" - my favourite.
You will find that you are among friends here. This truly is a wonderful fellowship and I am so grateful for all the wonderful people here.
Grace Under Fire
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Another world
Posts: 536
Alice,
There is a PTSD forum here also, Morning
Glory is the moderater. She suffers
PTSD also, and has much knowledge and
information-she's a beautiful person.
Just scroll down from this forum and
you will see it. We have it all here!
Hugs,
There is a PTSD forum here also, Morning
Glory is the moderater. She suffers
PTSD also, and has much knowledge and
information-she's a beautiful person.
Just scroll down from this forum and
you will see it. We have it all here!
Hugs,
Forum Leader
Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: trail of discovery
Posts: 2,472
I to will join the rest in welcoming you here. This is a nice safe place to be and these are great people that have lots of HUGS to give.
I, too, live with an active A. He acknowledges that he drinks way to much every night and has often talked about quitting, but I don't hold my breath. He is a good man, a great father, good provider. He just gets drunk nightly and yes sometimes gets unbareable with his verbal communcations with me. Many times it's because he's trying to help me (he thinks) by telling me what I should do. Thanks goodness I'm a strong person or I would be swallowed up with this problem. Now and then it does get to me and then I retreat to my room. Or I just go shopping!!
I guess it all boils down to is that you can only put up with what you are willing to put up with. Then it's time to take action for yourself. You can't change him only how you deal with it.
Good luck and welcome here coming back and let us know how things are.
Pony
I, too, live with an active A. He acknowledges that he drinks way to much every night and has often talked about quitting, but I don't hold my breath. He is a good man, a great father, good provider. He just gets drunk nightly and yes sometimes gets unbareable with his verbal communcations with me. Many times it's because he's trying to help me (he thinks) by telling me what I should do. Thanks goodness I'm a strong person or I would be swallowed up with this problem. Now and then it does get to me and then I retreat to my room. Or I just go shopping!!
I guess it all boils down to is that you can only put up with what you are willing to put up with. Then it's time to take action for yourself. You can't change him only how you deal with it.
Good luck and welcome here coming back and let us know how things are.
Pony
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Topeka Kansas
Posts: 10
Reply to Anns, Josie
I am working my way around the site tonight. When you are viewing the messages do you communicat through one thread or do you go to a specific thread based on topic.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Hey Josie LOL - we are both on the same wavelength at the same time here. Great to see you. Don't ask me why I'm up so late - it's not bad news...I'm just not tired.
Alice - Josie and I are both night people, but there are a lot of others who are here all day too. You'll get to know us all real soon.
Alice - Josie and I are both night people, but there are a lot of others who are here all day too. You'll get to know us all real soon.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Alice
You can join in any thread that you want to share in, you can respond to someone else's problem or you can start your own thread on your own topic.
Once a thread is started, we try to stick with the topic and not wander too far...but sometimes we get a little off course.
We share our strenth, hope and experience, and our humour too.
Post anywhere anytime you want.
You can join in any thread that you want to share in, you can respond to someone else's problem or you can start your own thread on your own topic.
Once a thread is started, we try to stick with the topic and not wander too far...but sometimes we get a little off course.
We share our strenth, hope and experience, and our humour too.
Post anywhere anytime you want.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Topeka Kansas
Posts: 10
Reply
You guys are great. Thanks for being so supportive.
One time my sister told me a story about a women who made the decision to leave her husband because he was an alcoholic. In the conversation she made it sound like that was the only way you can save yourself is by leaving the alcoholic. I have not been willing to consider that idea but carry the worry that it is the only way. Does Al Anon support that position that you have to leave your husband?
One time my sister told me a story about a women who made the decision to leave her husband because he was an alcoholic. In the conversation she made it sound like that was the only way you can save yourself is by leaving the alcoholic. I have not been willing to consider that idea but carry the worry that it is the only way. Does Al Anon support that position that you have to leave your husband?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Alice
We suppport any decision YOU make. Some stay and are very happy and lead fulfilling lives. Others choose to leave, they just cannot live in the chaos.
We are not about staying or leaving, we are about learning to look after ourselves and our needs first. We learn that we have no ownership of their disease and that we can do wonderful things for ourselves.
Individual lifestyles vary - in abusive relationships we do encourage people to at least get to somewhere safe first, and then they can decide with clear heads what they want to do.
But many can continue to live with their A.
And the good news is that you don't have to make any decisions today. You can wait until you are ready to decide what future you choose.
We suppport any decision YOU make. Some stay and are very happy and lead fulfilling lives. Others choose to leave, they just cannot live in the chaos.
We are not about staying or leaving, we are about learning to look after ourselves and our needs first. We learn that we have no ownership of their disease and that we can do wonderful things for ourselves.
Individual lifestyles vary - in abusive relationships we do encourage people to at least get to somewhere safe first, and then they can decide with clear heads what they want to do.
But many can continue to live with their A.
And the good news is that you don't have to make any decisions today. You can wait until you are ready to decide what future you choose.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Topeka Kansas
Posts: 10
Good night
I have looked around the site and found some very helpful stuff. I hope to keep coming back and just wanted to say good night to everyone. Thanks again for all your help tonight. I now feel like I can get up in the morning and go to work.
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