Ball is in his Court!

Old 11-14-2002, 01:31 PM
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Ball is in his Court!

Hello everyone:
First, I would like to start off my saying thank you, merci, gracie, gracias, and again just plain old thank you to all you wonderful ladies for keeping my chin off the floor! My husband is from Italy a wonderful man who has put up with this nonsense for 30 years now. All the time this has gone on (most of which I hid from him) he has never not once gone to visit him in jail or prison, never wrote a note or sent a card, or even spoke to him on the phone. Never once did he allow my son to be disrespectful to him. In turn, my son never says anything to him and never speaks disrespectful to me in front of him. I never tell my husband how he speaks to me because he would banned him from here forever. When I go out, I leave the volume on the answering machine turned off, so if he calls and leaves one of his messages, such as "how would you like it if I came and burned your f------ house down?" he can't hear it. And he's so cute (husband) he says the phone rang but the machine it can't talk! (that's how he speaks). Anyway, he's been telling me for years to "let him go" "let him grow up" etc., but I figured he's a man and this stuff just doesn't bother him. Well, go figure, he was right all along. You ladies are right, I have to remember that I did the best I could for him. Tried everything and continue to try everything to no avail. Just now he called me and started out really nice about how difficult it is packing all his things (big move is Friday) not knowing what to take, and what to leave. I said I'll bet it is difficult, then he went off asked me if I talked to the girlfriend today, I said no (truth) he said should I believe that? I said I didn't care if he did or not, that it wasn't important. He said, pretty bad when you can't believe your own Mom! I said just as bad when Mom can't believe her son! Then he said f--- you in the a-- and I hung up! I know, I know, I asked for it! It's like everyone says, you love playing his games! However, the one thing I feel good about is the fact that I can turn things around and put the ball in his court. I am letting him go, and I start out doing it with love then he gets mean and I end up hanging up. Normally, I would call him back...not this time! Not anymore! I think he is beginning to get the idea that he "burned his bridges" with Mom. I don't know, right now I'm talking this big talk and have a lump in my throat and tears forming! I worry so much that he won't make it on the other hand, he is multi-talented and can make more money in one day than we can make in a month. Well, that's if he wants to. Hello!! he just called again this time to say he was sorry! He said he wanted to just say goodbye. I said goodbye, I love you, I believe in you, work on you! He got mad at me and hung up! Does anyone know about Meth? It's like a pattern with him. He swears he is not doing drugs. It goes like this.. he does fine (as far as temper, rage, etc.) for about 12 days. Then on the 13th day he blows! Is this one of the signs of drug abuse? Or is this part of his bipolar (that he's suppose to be taking medication for). He missed his mental health appointment yesterday because he is being monitored on these pills. I think he convinced them he was bipolar to make us all feel sorry for him so we would all give him another chance which we did by letting him continue to live in her house, but yesterday when he did the hostage thing and now he must leave! He's afraid to be on his own he says...he can't handle money....he doesn't know how to do this or that. Yet he can cook, wash, iron, good at writing checks (ask anyone)! Tell me it's going to be ok! My husband says he will survive if he wants to. Guess so but I'm sure scared! Ladies, I promise I will not ramble so much in the future, it's just because right now I'm so scared! Sorry! You all sound so together, maybe one day I will too. Hugs & Kisses to you all...Devastated :cries2:
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Old 11-14-2002, 02:22 PM
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JT
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Hi,

I was screaming at my computer " You did NOT ask for it!!!" Sometimes it is the disease and sometimes they are just jerks! He has proven that he can interact with someone respectfully, he says things to hurt you and manipulate you. Don't participate in it.

I have been around this program a long time and I still get the crazies from time to time. I spent a day this weekend operating under the illusion that I could bring the Beav home after rehab and fix him right up. Because it was such an out of characture thought for me I shared it with some program friends who all separately said the same thing "ARE YOU ON DRUGS??" but in a kinder and gentler way. My crazies lasted a day...one day. I am not immune,,,I just have more experience polishing my tools.
You will get there too!

Hugs,
JT

Oh and your hubby sounds wonderful...something to be greatful for!
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Old 11-14-2002, 03:08 PM
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Note to Just Tired

Originally posted by Just Tired
Hi,

I was screaming at my computer " You did NOT ask for it!!!" Sometimes it is the disease and sometimes they are just jerks! He has proven that he can interact with someone respectfully, he says things to hurt you and manipulate you. Don't participate in it.

I have been around this program a long time and I still get the crazies from time to time. I spent a day this weekend operating under the illusion that I could bring the Beav home after rehab and fix him right up. Because it was such an out of characture thought for me I shared it with some program friends who all separately said the same thing "ARE YOU ON DRUGS??" but in a kinder and gentler way. My crazies lasted a day...one day. I am not immune,,,I just have more experience polishing my tools.
You will get there too!

Hugs,
JT

Oh and your hubby sounds wonderful...something to be greatful for!

Hi Just Tired:

Thanks for the response! I'm sorry since I've just recently joined here I don't know who the Beav is? I am assuming he is your son. The fact that he is in rehab is great no? Why can't you bring him back home? Is it because he has to learn to be on his own? My son says he is afraid of being on his own. I can't imagine why. Yes, he has proven that he can be respectful and also that he can control his temper because I have seen him in a total rage and then get real calm when someone he knew came around! Really strange! Anyhow, hopefully one day I, too, will learn to be like you. Right now, I'm so wishy washy...Hugs, Devastated
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Old 11-14-2002, 04:10 PM
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YOU DID IT!!!!! You didn't call him back. You didn't play into his game and remain the victim. Isn't it empowering not to sit there and to be spoken to in that fashion. I think your husband does sound cute and there might be something here, this phone machine that can't talk. Why don't you turn it off a few days? Get stronger, do something for you, with your hubby and let your son work on himself. Congratulations again !!!!!
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Old 11-14-2002, 04:53 PM
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Ann
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Devastated

Your husband can handle this the way he does, because he isn't codependent.

My husband isn't either. For years he watched me do the pretzel dance and participate in the chaos, and I would go on and on about "what if and "why doesn't he" and "why does he"...and in the end when I dropped exhausted from my frenzy, he would say "he knows he's an addict, he knows where help is, he'll get help when he's ready".

My son, and most of our sons, cannot live at home because they make us crazy. We take them in because we are afraid of what will happen to them if we don't, and then they play the game, get disrespectful, steal from us, use while living here and manipulate us. My son and I have a good relationship today - because he lives somewhere else. I don't have to watch or participate. He is respectful when he visits. Without exception, every time he moved home it was a disaster.

And guess what, he survives. He learns responsibility living on his own, and he learns to look after himself.
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Old 11-14-2002, 11:30 PM
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Devastated,
It starts out with "baby steps", which
is exactly what you are doing. You
don't have to participate-and you are
realizing this.
You know if I can remember correctly,
I was in contact with my sons on a daily
basis. This has all changed, they have
absolutely nothing to do with me when
they are under the influence-they stay
away and they don't call. They know
I will not tolerate it and it gives me
the "willys". I see my kids when they
are clean and sober and they only call
me when they are. (Well, there are those
jail calls-to tell me where they wound up.) My kids are really good to me, and vice versa. It took
me awhile to figure out boundaries and
what I would and would not allow, and
what is good for me-I had no clue. Now
I have allowed my oldest to stay here
periodically to dry out when the wife
kicked him out. But this last time-I
felt it was the last time. My home is
not a detox or rehab.
You can definitely have a different rela-
tionship with your son.
Take care of you, and keep working on your
"recovery". You will always have slips-
we all do. But it becomes much easier to
pick yourself back up and brush off.
By the way, your husband sounds like a
gem!

Hugs,
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