dazedandconfuse

Wow, where to begin... I was at the end of a bad relationship. Met a new man, and jumped from the frying pan into the frier. He was wonderful, he loved me like I'd never been loved before, he was good to my child, (2 at the time), he was everything... my family adored him everything was perfect. After he moved in...(way to soon, appx 2 weeks after I met him) he admited to me that in his past he had done meth. He reassured me that the days were in his past and that he had been sober for over a year. Fast-forward a few months later I find out hes still using. I felt stuck.. my child had bonded and started calling him daddy.. he promised me he would quit. He asked me to marry him and promised he would quit before we got married he ended up high on our honeymoon... We've been together for 2 1/2 years now and he is still using, I've heard all the exuses, I have asked him to go through rehab, counceling, to talk to his physician. He has told me several times he needs to do it alone, or he needs to throw away whatever he has left and not "run out" or it's a mental thing and he can't quit. He confided in me that the longest time he had been sober through our relationship was 2 weeks. Through out our relationship I've had to shelter my child from his ups and downs, I've made excuses to hide the embarresement... he's tired.. he's working overtime.. he isn't feeling well. I'm done, I want a divorce and now here is where the guilt comes in.

How do I tell him I want a divorce when he is being so nice to me right now? I know it won't last. What do I say if he promises he will go through rehab and actually follows through with it? I don't know at this point if I could trust him again. What can I say to him when he blames it on me? In the past I've begged him to quit and he has told me things like.."fine I'll quit but then I won't be able to make it to work this week, and I'll get fired is that what you want?" I just can't do it anymore. I'm also scared about him... if I leave him then who is going to help emotionally support him through quitting? Am I a bad wife for leaving him? Should I be standing by his side through this?

I just can't see doing this for years to come. I can't have my child grow up in this type of environment. I may have made a mistake by marrying him but does that mean I need to stick by his side at the expense of my own happiness and the happiness and well being of my child? I think I still love him but may be... may be I'm just in love with the person he once was or the person who I thought he was. I'm so confused and I guess I wonder what chance he has at recovery. If he wasn't sober like he lied about to me in the beginning then he has been a user for appx 12 years.... it seems like an awfully long time. Anyhow any advice would be so helpful...

Thanks

Dead Poet

You need to leave, and if you have to leave without telling him first, then do it, because YOU do not need to feel guilty about this. Users can and will only stop when THEY decide to, and some, unfortunately never do. But many people quit after they loose something very valuable in their lives due to using. I am not saying this will happen, so, until he gives you proff of recovery, sober days, and an honest attempt with himself and you to quit, you and YOUR CHILD especially should not be exposed to that kind of life. This is his problem, support is great, your concern is obvious from the start since you have come here for help, but it will end up taking both of your lives in the long run. I am especially concerned for your child.....I was brought up with an abussive alcoholic father and it was a verry verry bad experience, and yes, children do remember things like this very traumatically. Be careful how you them away from ghim but do it gently and do your best for them. You will be ok. As for him, you won't know until you leave. Please consider this. Good luck

NoMoBeer

One word -- "Bye..."

Time2Surrender

Yup He needs to do this on his own.My using has cost me a few relationships.And I have had plenty of women try and fix me or try and help me.It never worked.I had to do this on my own for myself.

1_day@_a_time

It's not your fault, he is NOT your responsibliity. Get away.

FAST.

hopealwayz

It sounds like he is trying to make you feel guilty if you leave. You need to take care of yourself and your child. He will not quit using until he is ready to quit. Sometimes an addict will not wake up until a door has been pushed shut. Trust me, I am an addict, and I didn't open my eyes until I nearly lose someone very dear to me.

You have to put yourself and your child first.
I am wishing the best for you.

Hugs,
Angel

dazedandconfuse

thank you all so much. I know what I need to do but it helps to hear from others... helps me get through those "guilty feelings." Due to our situation the house is mine and I can't get out of it but have to tell him to leave... I know it's going to be so hard. Especially when he is trying to be on "good behavior" (still using but doing it with a smile...)

Last night I told him I thought I was codependent, and that I was enabling him. I told him that I loved him but I was going to start setting boundries for my safety and that of my child. He laughed it off, told me that he was a different type of user. Says he is a functional user and that I didn't need to worry about it because he's going sober anyhow. I don't believe it.... and now at least I've given him warning.

Thanks again!

jbm125

Hi Dazed...welcome to the cold hard truth. Your husband sounds like me. I put my wife and 4 kids thru hell for 20 years. Lying, cheating, breaking promises, and doing all that cuz drugs and booze meant more to me than anything. My wife went to a lawyer and waited till the right moment. I was suicidal because of my usoing and checked myself into a nut ward for observation thinking when I got out I'd pick up right where I left off. She had papers served on me when I was in the hospital. When I was discharged I had nowhere to go, I'd burned all my bridges with family, friends, work....everything and everyone. That's when I got sober. The pricetag was superhigh but it was mostly paid by my ex wife and my kids. They are the ones who suffered the most. Don't let this happen to you. Get out while you can. Get out before you're young enough to start over. Get out before your child is forever harmed.
GET OUT! DO IT NOW! This is not a dress rehearsal for life, this is it.
God bless

dazedandconfuse

That is him... what you just wrote was like reading about us. He makes promises of family trips, trips to the park, vacations etc. and always bails out because... "he's bored" or he says he can't handle it because of his ADHD.. but I know it's because of the using.

Thank you so much... even if I'm not strong enough to do this for myself I have to do it for my child. I love my lil one more then life and will not allow him to grow up in this type of environment.

1_day@_a_time

In less than 24 hours, your attitude has changed. You are already stronger. ONE step at a time......

dazedandconfuse

Thank you.. but remember it's always easier said then done. I figure if I keep repeating these things to myself..

-I'm not a bad wife, it may take a strong woman to stay with an addict but it takes a stronger one to walk away.

-My child deserves this

-I deserve this

-I'm not abandoning him.. but I am no longer enabling him.

... if I keep repeating may be I will stay strong.