Beautiful

My sex life sucks. Since I got married, it has always sucked. Not the mechanics of it, but AH FEAR that he will "turn into" some sex addict so the frequency mimics more the nun-like schedule. I find the whole thing RIDICULOUS! So, I've chosen not to have sex with H until he addresses this very personal, very intimate issue.

I've stood my ground before amongst the "Don't deny yourself" from him, but this time I'm flat out dead serious. Anyone else have any nonsense like this or do I stand alone?

Jazzman

This is gonna sound weird,(coming from a man) but I used sex as a means to get out.. My Ex has a very big , shall we say appetite. When the last Alcohol incident pushed me over the edge, I cut her off and started sleeping in another bedroom. Sure enough, she only lasted a month then "moved on to the OM", prior to moving out!

All though using intimacy, or the control of intimacy, is not the right thing to do, the reality is, if you have the kind of relationship that one would even think about using intimacy as a tool to get what you want, then the relationship is in trouble anyway.

equus

I should think most couples have faced at least one issue with sex - after all it's the most intimate of acts. BUT difficulties with sex are rarely 'nonsense', I wonder how this would be recieved if you were the man?

I'm not judging you as a person but I can't help but feel the you're taking approach to this is more likely to do damage than help. I'm sure your motives are good but perhaps it may help to remind yourself how sensitive sexual issues can be - for men and women.

It sounds like he has almost no confidence in his own self control - perhaps boosting that confidence would be more effective, tell him everything you see him do that shows he DOES have self control. Do what his mind isn't, make him aware of how much control he does have. Removing even further his room to control his own actions won't increase his confidence in this.

Take care Beautiful, I can understand it must be frustrating.

caughtup

Not sure if an alcoholic can address personal and intimate issues ... at least not honestly. Since I moved in with my boyfriend ... our sex life has gone downhill. Of course he says its me, but I get shot down whenever I make a move .. he's too tired or too busy ... I learned it has to be on his terms ... then he gets upset when I don't approach him ... So I totally understand, just another means to try and control their life perhaps when their lives are so out of control??? I really don't know ....... sigh, and good luck to you Beautiful!!!

CatsTail

He fears he's going to turn into a sex addict if you have sex too often?
Is that what you mean?

I don't think having frequent sex wil "turn" anyone into a sex addict.

Ngaire

harleygirl92156

I think there is something he is hiding from you.

I will tell you a secret, ALCOHOLICS LIE. lol

My bet is he is keeping secrets from you that involve sex or his sexual activities. Cutting him off is not the answer, get counseling and don't be afraid to confront him about what he could be hiding. He will probably lie about it, but if he thinks you are suspicious maybe he will start thinking about it and do something about it.

benefits

My exABF used it as a means of control. I was always ready, willing and able. When I initiated that "turned him off" so I just had to wait for him to inititiate - which rarely happened. It was very frustrating. In the end he was physically unable to perform so it was really frustrating for both of us.
I'm sort of surprised you are still interested in it with all the problems you are having, especially after your "confession" post. I know when I got to that point with my exhusband just the thought of sex made me sick. Of course I was never really interested in that with him to begin with. How we ever procreated is a miracle!!!!

bikewench

... or one could try some honest... non-confrontational... non defensive talk about it...

If a person feels they don't have to defend their position... then they hopefully can get past the fear and begin to look at the real issues...

And sexuality... being the core of who we are... is a base issue.

Just a thought... but... offering a massage can be a good way to reconnect with a partner....
as well as displaying affection...

Benson,Danita

Oh I have been in this position a few times with the ex A H ....Jazzman u r right on...I use 2 spend more time worried about him....Thinkin way 2 into things for him....I compromised beyond compromise......I was so twisted and turned from it all ....It consumed me 100%......1 cannot hold it together.....

User Friendly

Here's another tidbit: Getting emotional support from an alcoholic is like going to a hardware store for a loaf of bread - it ain't gonna happen.
Beautiful, living with an alcoholic is never easy. Problems in the bedroom are merely a symptom of a relationship already in trouble. Take the focus off of him and put it on you. Get help for YOU. (even if the alcoholic has stopped drinking, we still need our own recovery).

Benson,Danita

I am not up 2 speed on all this...Was it like this prior 2 marriage???

Benson,Danita

Right on......Userfriendly.....i agree 2 that

Beautiful

Interesting points. I did speak with him after I started this thread. It boils down to one main point: FEAR.

He has chosen a lifestyle that demands that he work a lot -- a lot -- to fund. We barely get by but you wouldn't know it from seeing our home. I say "He" has chosen it because, up until a few months ago, he would bully me whenever I said that we need to move, make a change, etc. After my "confession" post, I looked at a 10 year plan for me. One includes him, one doesn't. He has been given the option to either follow my plan or not. The problems in my marriage have nothing to do with love. I love him, I always have and I am getting the drift that he loves me, too. He just can't express it in a healthy manner. Either way, I will go on. I did find interesting when I was talking to him that I get the feeling that he wants me to make the decision to move and just act on it. He would go and I think he will when the time comes. I think he hangs onto this house and land because his ex and her lover said they would take it away from him. I also think that our sex life since marriage has more to do with him being afraid to commit to an intimate (emotional and physical) relationship than it does with anyone/anything else. We'll see.

Benson,Danita

Oh boy....I was in your same situation.....I made so many lists and lists 2 the lists....U know in your heart what is right sometimes it takes awhile.......Knowledge is power....Pray a lot for direction and guidance.....

minnie

Bingo!! How about this for a scenario? Guy doesn't like himself, feels he doesn't fit in anywhere. Has a drink and realises that it helps to become a different person. Over the years, drinks more and more and forgets who he was in the first place. Stops drinking because it is causing difficulties in his life, but doesn't replace the drink with anything else. Terrified that people will discover that he is a fake, he withdraws from emotional intimacy and all that entails and defines himself by his work and holds on to things from the past as these help create a "personality" for him. The further he gets from his true self, the more difficult it is to discover.

I have heard this scenario time and time again. Does it ring any bells?

User Friendly

Minnie, it rang a steeple full for me ;-)
I couldn't have said it better myself.

Jazzman

Minnie, You should consider a career in mind reading!
Beautiful, "10 year plan"... so regimented. I divide my plans into short term, medium range, and long term, (with no specific time frames). Short term plans allways change and effect the other plans. Helps remind me to be flexable, change is consistent!

7thstranger

I agree with some of the pp, you may do more harm than good. My sex life with hubby is great, when we have it, and we have it often enough BUT when he's been drinking I totally don't want to be near him, and of course it's a total turnoff.

Benson,Danita

Minnie U said it....Great.........!!!!!!!!!

Benson,Danita

I use 2 have a 20yr plan....lol ....I couldnt think a week or month...My life,mind,house was crazy.....Keep it simple......Very simple.......