Issheintrouble?

Does she have a problem? ---------------------------------------------

Hi looking for feedback. Been dating a girl for less then a year and have noticed the following things. I am looking for your two cents on whether she has a drinking problem or is just a heavy social drinker.

1) 3-4 times in last year she has consumed over 7-9 drinks and gotten wasted and next day did not remember part of evening at all.

2) drinks between 3-4 days per week.

3) When drinking number of drinks range from low of 1 to high of 6 with an average probably being 2-3.

4) in last week there have been three nights whree she has had 6 drinks, 4 drinks and 5 drinks.

5) She functions great, successful, great mom, great friend, works out religously.

6) I notice when drinkign she appears to get angry eaiser, more frustrated , impatient etc.

7) she claims she is "always" emotional and has been since young age with regards to above frustration etc.

8) she smokes a lot of pot. In fact is she has assess to it she will smoke it 5 out of 7 days.

9) she likes to get high after she has been drinking.

10) when she smokes pot she is calm, cool and pleasant and happy even if its after many drinks.

11) I addressed issue for first time recently and did not ask for any changes just said "i think there may be a small issue but i have no idea and i just want you to be aware i have noticed xzy"

12) few days later at restaurant waitress asked us for drinks and she ordrered ice water, i said "if you were with a girlfriend woudlyou order a drink? she said "yes" so i said please do not change for me, act the same as you would wiht anyone. she proceeded to order the dirnk and over course of night had 5 more.

13) last week was a very active drinking one, tues eve 6 drinks, thurs eve 2, fri 4, sat 5 and sunday 6......

QUESTION
-how do i figure out if she has a problem vs jsut being a social drinker?
-If the only effect on her life is the quicker frustration levels etc is that truly a problem?
-howmany days per week does one need to drink to "be" an alcholoic?

Jazzman

Memory lapse... I made my mind up before reading beyond number 1. She IS in trouble. Either run for the hills or get ready for one rough ride that will suck the life out of you! You do not want to go through what all these people on this board have gone through.

equus

I can fully understand why people both ask this questions AND why it's so temopting to answer it BUT....

I'm absolutely against internet diagnosis of any disorder, disease, or illness and this is why:

It's too complicated to do with someone we haven't met - we're not proffessionals.

You can find more info there's references and links to help sites that will give you accurate info. I can link in the DSM IV -TR diagnosis if you want but after following the links on that thread you might feel you have enough info for yourself anyway.

What I feel safe saying is that you aren't alone and regardless of diagnosis this is causing you a problem. There is support for you here and other places and it matters to get support. We all know from experience that this can be a very isolating issue.

CatsTail

If you are writing to ask these questions it's obviously causing a problem.

Keep coming here and reading.

I would say probably there is a problem with pot and drinking.

Just my 2 cents worth.

Ngaire

Jazzman

Equus is right about internet diagnosis. I am NOT qualified. It's just that I could have written the EXACT same list for my Ex three years ago. However I will say this: If drinking causes problems to themselves or others they love, it's a problem. It sounds like she's a master of escaping reality AND in danger of being consumed by her vices.

Minx1969

Hi and welcome to SR! (from another Phoenician as well..)

It is apparently an issue to you (especially if you are counting how many drinks she is drinking).

Have you considered Alanon? If you are bothered by someone's drinking or sobriety..it's a great support group..We have a really strong fellowship in the Phoenix area..

To answer your questions:
1. Only she can determine if it's a problem..It's her problem...not yours.
2. see #1
3. doesn't matter how much they drink. it's why they drink..

My exABF was the most recent alcoholic in my life..he only drank on weekends..I thought because he was younger and just like to party that it wasn't a problem..well it became my problem..I became obsessed and bothered about his drinking and how it affected our relationship...that's why I went to Alanon.

There are 3 C's..You didnt' cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it..But you can get help for the issues her drinking is causing you.

Here's the AZ Alanon website..If you want to go to a meeting and don't want to go alone, just PM me and I'll be happy to meet you. I go in Tempe on Tuesday nights and Sundays..

http://www.al-anon-az.org

Good luck.

Minx

User Friendly

Buddy, if you're already counting her drinks, her drinking is giving YOU a problem. It will only get worse. If you're prepared to have a relationship with someone who does alot of drinking, make sure you have a safety net for you, you're gonna need it.

This will truly be a problem for YOU. Do you want to live like that? Only you can determine this.

An alcoholic is an alcoholic. Even when they've reached sobriety in their life. There are high-functioning alcoholics and low-functioning alcoholics. Just because she's not a skid-row bum doesn't mean she doesn't have a problem. Like someone else here said, the point is not how many drinks she has, but WHY she's drinking in the first place. Good luck with that.

TexasGirl

Hello,
I struggled with the "is he or isn't he", and as a matter of fact still do. But in the one time I decided to try going to a counselor, she told me, "It doesn't matter if he is an alcoholic or not. What matters is that it is causing a problem in your relationship." This wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear, but she raised a good point, and it made me think. Don't you wish there was some definitive diagnostic test for this thing?

LovingMom

Hon...I am not a doctor nor an alcoholic...but I can tell you that within the first few phrases of your post...my first thoughts were of my son. I have made lists like you. I have watched every drink he took..cleaned up after him and all I can say is that if this is the life you want..welcome to hell on earth. But look closely at how involved you already are. Her drinking is already taking up how much of your time and attention??

Only you can say if the situation is worth that expenditure of time and emotion.

Good luck my friend on whatever path you choose.

Issheintrouble?

well interesting event, prior to her going out with buddy on vacation i asked her to please not drive if she was drinking she said of course she would not and she had good common sense as she was 38 etc etc. fast foward to 1am and she is calling me from road, after 6 hard drinks driving back to her hotel room. i said to her please promise me you will not do this again and she got defensive saying she is fine and noone of her friends husbands bug them like this and if she was meant to die then so be it.....i sent her a recap of conversation by email cuz i doubt she woudl remember it.....this scared me as i';m sure she woujld say, vacation, hadnt' seen her buddy in years, no one on the roads etc etc, but reality is , drinking and driving dont' mix even if its driving from one parking lot across the street.....this lack of judgement scared me, not sure what to do...

CarolD

Run~

minnie

Counting her drinks, trying to control her actions, believing her promises, we've all been there.

Whether or not she has a problem, I sense there is an element of the rescuer in you. Use this experience to learn about yourself - read "co-dependent no more" by Melody Beattie, go to al-anon or coda meetings, read the sticky posts at the top of the forum and the nar-anon one.

Running away from the relationship may be one answer, but unless you address the issues that have kept you in this one for a year, then you will encounter the same problem again.

equus

I think there's certainly some issue here that you might find helpful to address. What surprises me is that she's on holiday, out with friends, and yet you still know how many she's had - that must take some doing!!

As you said she functions well I'm wondering how you got into the guardian role? I have a friend who has always drunk like a fish, her whole family does and it crosses my mind sometimes that she either has, or could, wind up with a problem. But she does well at work fulfills her committments, is a good partner to her fella and in all honesty I couldn't say whether it's her families culture or a real problem. One thing I'm happy with is that it doesn't cause her a problem and that to me is the acid test - I don't worry about it. I'll be around as a friend who'll be blunt and honest if it does start to cause her difficulties but as it is she's an adult and knows the risks and I've never even considered losing sleep over it. I wouldn't exchange her 'drinking pattern and attitude' with my hubby's though (even though he is addicted) largely because she has no intention of ever changing and I couldn't live with that. Does that make sense?

With regard to the drink driving - that's a real biggy for me because it puts others lives at such direct risk. Not everyone addicted to alcohol crosses that line.

meli2005

She sounds likes she is an alcoholic or at least a "problem" drinker. It iwll only get worse over time.

Issheintrouble?

I think i hit rock bottom tonight, she was on vacation still and we were talking on phone and topic came up and i told her i was not asking her to change all i was asking was for her to be aware of her habits so she could make her own assesments. she said "i am not broken and i am not going to be your project to fix" she went on to say she is not a alcoholic cuz she functions perfectly and people whom are alcholocis have issues. She said she just likes to party and if i couldnt 'handle her "normal" social partying habits then thats my issue not hers. I went on to say how if blacking out 5 times in 8 months, drinking over 30 drinks in last week and driving drunk on 6 hard drinks other night is "normal" then maybe i was just brought up in a real conservative town. Probably a better way to approach it but............. SO SAD TO ME, TEARS IN MY EYES as i was just hoping she would say "i am not aware of a issue but i will do somehomework, read some books talk to pepole and make my own assesment" thats all i wanted yet she got defensive, like its my problem that i can't handler her social party habits that have zero effect on her. She said to me she "processed" our first conversation about my concern on her drinking and she said she adamently "refutes and rejects it" and sees no issue and will "NOT" stop drinking as she enjoys it and is just fine..............sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo SAD for me to hear this as with those words i knew our relationship was over, 8 months down the drain, i love her so much too, so hard to bear, yet i'm helpless no control, only thing i can think of to do is to talk to her brother and mom but not sure? do you guys suggest i do so or not? Interesting comment above made about sensing a "rescuer"in me, absolutely i always feel like i would like to help anyone close to me if i can, i thnk thats the right way to be?

Jazzman

How about we take the focus of of her problems for just a minute and take an objective look at you and ask yourself, isheintrouble?

What if this was happening to your best freind and he was asking you the same questions? What advice would you give him?

GettingBy

I think every single one of us here has had that exact same thought. We've all wanted our loved ones to admit that they have a problem. We've thrown facts, feelings, literature, any argument we could come up with in their face in hopes of getting them to "see the light." We've prayed for them to some how have consequences for their behavior... maybe a DWI would get them to "see it", maybe a tape recording of their drunken verbal bashings, something, anything. We have desperately tried to become their Higher Power. We tried to control them and in doing so we've lost control of our own lives. All our energy and time is focused on them so we stopped taking care of ourselves. And unfortunately....

It is OUR problem that we can't handle THEIR drinking habits. It's about us. That's why we're here. The more time we spend here, the more we come to recognize that NOTHING we do will stop them. We are powerless over alcohol. We are powerless over other people. We are POWERFUL over ourselves. We have choices for OUR behavior. We have a right to make our own lives top priority.

You have done the right thing. You've talked to her about your concerns. You've planted the seed, now let go and let her God take care of her... and you take care of you.

I agree with Jazzman, isheintrouble? If nothing changed, would you want to spend the rest of your life living exactly as is it now? I'm not saying dump her, change her, or to run. I'm asking you to step back and think about the other possible choices you could be making for YOU. What can YOU do to make your own individual life happier, more fulfilling, no matter what she does or doesn't do?

It sucks, and none of us asked for this lifestyle, but I know for me I've embraced it as a wonderful opportunity to grow. It's forced me to step up and take responsibility for me and my own behaviors, and out of that has come some of the most tremendous change my life has ever experienced. My life is blossoming right before my own eyes even though my husband is still actively abusing alcohol. I've just chosen to step off of his rollercoaster ride, and hop on my own merry-go-round! My life is no longer hitch on to his... we're (literally) riding our motorcycles side by side now, and free to chose our own adventures.

Please keep coming back... there so much happiness waiting for you!
Shannon

Pick-a-name

Are you thinking this question..."Is she addicted; or just choosing to act like a self-centered,ignorant jerk" ...that is what I have often asked myself. Ultimately, I guess I come back to the same (and I don't like it!) answer....it doesn't matter. What am I going to do? Do I want to live like this or not? And if not, what changes do I have to make? Easier said than done, emotionally especially. Good luck...to us all!