I need to talk to someone about withdrawals
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Wixom, MI
Posts: 15
I need to talk to someone about withdrawals
My husband quit drinking 5 weeks ago. Now, he is even more unbearable. He snaps at everything and is now telling me he hates me and to get out. Is this shortness a normal sign of withdrawals and if so, how long does it last?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: DooDooville, USA
Posts: 453
Hi helpinghands,
Welcome to SR if this is your first visit!
So glad to have ya!
I'm a recovering alcoholic, have been sober 11 years, drank for ten every day.
Yes, it is normal for the "A" to be short tempered. I was. It's like when people quit smoking or are on a diet, they tend to be more irritable then before.
"Course, quitting alcohol is more serious because it's a much more powerful drug. Has he been to a doctor? Is he in AA or seeing a therapist?
What helped me was going to a therapist and also the help of anti-depressants. The two need to go together.....therapy and meds (if needed), can't do one without the other.
An exercise routine, eating right and getting rest. A support group. But, the most important part is for him to find the reasons why he started drinking and then address them with a therapist and "peel the layers" of hurt from the past off, so that he confronts the reasons why he started drinking in the first place. He needs to work through that and hopefully gain peace from that.
And for you, have you tried Al-anon? Taking care of yourself during this time especially, is really important. We can support the A while he/she is withdrawing, but that's something that they need to do themselves with professionals and we need to make sure that are needs are met, too. So, that we can be healthy for not only us first, but then for others.
Please keep posting!
((hugs))
Welcome to SR if this is your first visit!
So glad to have ya!I'm a recovering alcoholic, have been sober 11 years, drank for ten every day.
Yes, it is normal for the "A" to be short tempered. I was. It's like when people quit smoking or are on a diet, they tend to be more irritable then before.
"Course, quitting alcohol is more serious because it's a much more powerful drug. Has he been to a doctor? Is he in AA or seeing a therapist?
What helped me was going to a therapist and also the help of anti-depressants. The two need to go together.....therapy and meds (if needed), can't do one without the other.
An exercise routine, eating right and getting rest. A support group. But, the most important part is for him to find the reasons why he started drinking and then address them with a therapist and "peel the layers" of hurt from the past off, so that he confronts the reasons why he started drinking in the first place. He needs to work through that and hopefully gain peace from that.
And for you, have you tried Al-anon? Taking care of yourself during this time especially, is really important. We can support the A while he/she is withdrawing, but that's something that they need to do themselves with professionals and we need to make sure that are needs are met, too. So, that we can be healthy for not only us first, but then for others.
Please keep posting!
((hugs))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Wixom, MI
Posts: 15
Thanks for the help
Thanks so much to all of you who replied. I really am losing it and the situation keeps getting worse. He is now getting violent and verbally abusive again. It has been 5 weeks since he quit drinking and the last week has been the worst. Two weeks ago he was grateful for me. Now he hates me. I really wish I had the money to move out because I think I am going to end up on the streets one of these nights. He keeps threatening to throw me and the kids out and he has done this in the past.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
Originally Posted by helpinghands68
Thanks so much to all of you who replied. I really am losing it and the situation keeps getting worse. He is now getting violent and verbally abusive again. It has been 5 weeks since he quit drinking and the last week has been the worst. Two weeks ago he was grateful for me. Now he hates me. I really wish I had the money to move out because I think I am going to end up on the streets one of these nights. He keeps threatening to throw me and the kids out and he has done this in the past.
The most important thing is that you are SAFE - if he is violent towards you what makes you safer by staying in the house?
There are people here who can give you some very good domestic violence links.
Stay safe! That is the number one priority, you can heal later.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Wixom, MI
Posts: 15
Thanks
He is not putting his hands on me. He is just slamming stuff around and yelling all the time. He is very short and every little thing sets him off. Actually, he is now just set off. He just hates me and wants us out. That however, is today. He actually sees his moods swings and acknowledges they are his fault (when he is in the right frame of mind). Yet, he does not get help for them. He actually called the therapist he was referred to last week. She was on vacation.
caughtup
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Western part of NY
Posts: 31
You say he is not putting his hands on you ... YET!! Normally when someone slams stuff around or throws things or hits objects ... they are using that to control someone with an implied threat of you are next. Have a plan of action, YWCA shelter or something .. don't give him the power to threaten to throw you out on the street, there is help even if you never have to use it, have that plan ready in case you do. ... and take care of you
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
Just because he is newly sober doesnt give him authority to be verbally or emotionally abusive. Call the police when he does that crap. It IS agaisnt the law to threaten and intimidate people.
You do your children no favors by letting an abusive hurricane swarm around them.
Get yourself to al anon to find out how to deal with alcoholism.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
You do your children no favors by letting an abusive hurricane swarm around them.
Get yourself to al anon to find out how to deal with alcoholism.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 727
Am in total agreement here with FOB.Double ditto.
Where/What are the conquences for his actions?There is none.So why would he ever stop.?May have all the im sorrys in da world.Nothing changes if nothing changes.Actions speak louder,that words.Unless he takes positive action to change his behaviour,there will be no change.Until there are conquences for his actions,why would he want to change,something ,that is working for him in,his life?
For myself i let others know when im no longer willing to put up with their shanaginnes.My part in it all was that i took no action,just taking it,and hoping they would change.Accepting their remorse afterwards.Then it happened again,and again,until i stood up and said no more. I,needed to change,and give them the scoop that im no longer going to put up with their "stuff",and will take action if need be.The most loving thing i can do for myself and another is not to have any part into abuse.They know by my actions,that they no longer control me through my own fears.
Al-anon is a great program for the family and friends of alocholics.Its for your recovery.
Sending my prayers for you and your family,
God Bless,and take care!!!!!!!!
Where/What are the conquences for his actions?There is none.So why would he ever stop.?May have all the im sorrys in da world.Nothing changes if nothing changes.Actions speak louder,that words.Unless he takes positive action to change his behaviour,there will be no change.Until there are conquences for his actions,why would he want to change,something ,that is working for him in,his life?
For myself i let others know when im no longer willing to put up with their shanaginnes.My part in it all was that i took no action,just taking it,and hoping they would change.Accepting their remorse afterwards.Then it happened again,and again,until i stood up and said no more. I,needed to change,and give them the scoop that im no longer going to put up with their "stuff",and will take action if need be.The most loving thing i can do for myself and another is not to have any part into abuse.They know by my actions,that they no longer control me through my own fears.
Al-anon is a great program for the family and friends of alocholics.Its for your recovery.
Sending my prayers for you and your family,
God Bless,and take care!!!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: crazy planet
Posts: 32
Helpinghands68,
there are so many forms of abuse and they are all damaging. Contact your local shelter about HOW to leave before you are doing it from a hospital bed or worse. His fist hitting the wall is your face in his mind and at some point he might forget to take it out on the wall. My sister went through this and escaped but not without some major emotional scars that she is still working on healing. You and your children are the important issue here. It does sound like there is more here than meets the eye. Is he bi-polar?
Huge Hugs for you and your children,
Loulouise
there are so many forms of abuse and they are all damaging. Contact your local shelter about HOW to leave before you are doing it from a hospital bed or worse. His fist hitting the wall is your face in his mind and at some point he might forget to take it out on the wall. My sister went through this and escaped but not without some major emotional scars that she is still working on healing. You and your children are the important issue here. It does sound like there is more here than meets the eye. Is he bi-polar?
Huge Hugs for you and your children,
Loulouise
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Wixom, MI
Posts: 15
He was diagnosed as bi-polar 2 years ago. He would start on medication for it for a few days and then quit because it didn't work. Of course, he was never taking it long enough for it to work and drinking constantly didn't help. When he went to the clinic, his therapist thought that perhaps the alcohol was causing the problems and he needed to solve that first. He always said he I was the reason he was depressed and he had no sickness. Occassionally, when he was in the right frame of mind, he would see the problem. That never lasted more than a couple of days or minutes. I do want to go to Al-Anon meetings, but he will not watch our 2 year old unless I am at work and throws a fit if I am not home right after work! My older daughter is temporarily gone (for the week) so I am thinking maybe I can go this week while she is gone and she will not have to get yelled at for me not being home. Will they send me home if I have to bring my 2 year old with me?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
I wrote this in another thread started by Elizabeth titled 'We Teach People How To Treat Us'. It's a few pages back but I can get the link (already have the post on paste!!).
I think it might be important for you to hear. PLEASE look after your safety FIRST. Be careful following advice not aimed to be used with someone with bipolar (not a judgement but your descriptions concern me deeply).
PLEASE BE CAREFUL.
I think it might be important for you to hear. PLEASE look after your safety FIRST. Be careful following advice not aimed to be used with someone with bipolar (not a judgement but your descriptions concern me deeply).
PLEASE BE CAREFUL.
Originally Posted by equus
Fantastic post!!
There's a couple of things I would add to it though. When you stop responding to negative behaviour that has previously been rewarded by your response (response might be - giving in, silence, attention, etc) then the behaviour might at first go up.
Think of yourself trying to get into a car with a frozen lock. You try the key - it won't budge, the first thing you do is try the same learned behaviour harder, only after a few attempts do you change tactic.
Because of this IF the behaviour you're trying to change in how another person treats you is abusive, or likely to turn (especially physically) abusive, you have to be VERY careful - it can escalate before a new behaviour is learned.
Secondly, although our reactions can shape behaviours in others we are not responsible for the learning which has already taken place in their lives, that learning can provide an internal reward - this can be very true of extreme anger. When a person reaches the state that adrenaline is realeased into the body they can learn to enjoy it, like those who do extreme sports. People who learn they can get this feeling through 'rages' may be internally rewarded by the chemicals released into their own body. The adrenaline may take away feeling of 'smallness', 'inadequacy' and powerlessness - it might not be dependant on another response.
Saying the above still leaves the original post as true - but where there's ANY abuse I think what I've written is a useful add on. Be VERY careful.
All of this is based on basic behaviourism - I'll happily reference a response to any specific question about it but it comes from generalised knowledge so I can't ref the whole thing.
There's a couple of things I would add to it though. When you stop responding to negative behaviour that has previously been rewarded by your response (response might be - giving in, silence, attention, etc) then the behaviour might at first go up.
Think of yourself trying to get into a car with a frozen lock. You try the key - it won't budge, the first thing you do is try the same learned behaviour harder, only after a few attempts do you change tactic.
Because of this IF the behaviour you're trying to change in how another person treats you is abusive, or likely to turn (especially physically) abusive, you have to be VERY careful - it can escalate before a new behaviour is learned.
Secondly, although our reactions can shape behaviours in others we are not responsible for the learning which has already taken place in their lives, that learning can provide an internal reward - this can be very true of extreme anger. When a person reaches the state that adrenaline is realeased into the body they can learn to enjoy it, like those who do extreme sports. People who learn they can get this feeling through 'rages' may be internally rewarded by the chemicals released into their own body. The adrenaline may take away feeling of 'smallness', 'inadequacy' and powerlessness - it might not be dependant on another response.
Saying the above still leaves the original post as true - but where there's ANY abuse I think what I've written is a useful add on. Be VERY careful.
All of this is based on basic behaviourism - I'll happily reference a response to any specific question about it but it comes from generalised knowledge so I can't ref the whole thing.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 727
Ive never seen anyone turned away,ever.Sometimes at the meetings, another member will take your child to another room,{with other children}watch over your child,so that you are free.At some meetings the child just stays in the meetings.And some members will get together with others and make arrangements,to watch over children in their own homes.Each taking their turn for the day,or week.When you get togehter with other members,you can decide which is the best way for you and your child.
All the best,
You are no longer all alone,
All the best,
You are no longer all alone,
Member
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: crazy planet
Posts: 32
Please be careful. When my sister's exah was manic he would not even remember hurting her (he also would not stay on meds). After 5 trips to the hospital a womens group got her into a shelter 5 states away. Your safety is #1
You and your children are in my prayers.
Love and Hugs,
Loulouise
You and your children are in my prayers.
Love and Hugs,
Loulouise
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Wow, sounds like you are a little stressed out.
My ex never did this stuff when withdrawing, was too out of it. In any event, its dangerous. I am sure you know that. I am inclined to believe this behavior stems from a mental problem. That compunded with withdrawls is making him nuts. Short tempered is normal, his behavior is not, imo. Try to get to al-anon and read as much as you can.
My heart goes out to you
My ex never did this stuff when withdrawing, was too out of it. In any event, its dangerous. I am sure you know that. I am inclined to believe this behavior stems from a mental problem. That compunded with withdrawls is making him nuts. Short tempered is normal, his behavior is not, imo. Try to get to al-anon and read as much as you can.
My heart goes out to you
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
Please look in the yellow pages for a Chris line, or call the hospital and ask if they have a Tel # for a Chris line or womens shelter.
Start making plans.
If you have to leave call the police, they know of places you can stay, if you don't have money for a motel.
Start putting some money in a safe place, so you will have some if needed.
Just suggestions, but I am concerned.
Start making plans.
If you have to leave call the police, they know of places you can stay, if you don't have money for a motel.
Start putting some money in a safe place, so you will have some if needed.
Just suggestions, but I am concerned.
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