Notices

22 days & so what, it won't bring her back, or will it?

Old 08-14-2005, 04:33 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
waterface's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On the beach
Posts: 163
22 days & so what, it won't bring her back, or will it?

Hi,
Its been 22 days since my last drink, the shock of my gf telling me she wanted space & it hit home that i may lose her, all the false promises, immaturity, coldness, chances, complacency, it all means nothing now.
I told her 22 days ago after my wake up call, that i'd go to the doc & see alcohol advisory & do something.
That space she wanted was so that she could see this other guy she met (as i drove her to it) & me at the same time & then make a decision.
I didn't drink, only 1 beer with my dad before i got the bus, but i did that to show myself that that 1 beer wouldn't start it off again & it didn't.
We went out a fiew tmes during day 1-7 of my abstinence, i didn't drink & we had great times!
15 days ago she went on holiday with her family, then came back & told me she wanted out.
She didn't believe i could keep it up & hold a responsible future. Saying this has gutted me & i'm a mess, i haven't drank, but i've been so depressed, crying & upset.
Sat night was the first night she was with him after telling me, so i know they were intimate & it's killing me.
I love her to bits, i want to show her my commitment to stopping, her & family.
Why is it always too late??
Hopefully, as she has said, we will meet for coffees & she can see that way. Whilst with her for 18 months, i never went 22 days, now i have, she's with another & to make it woorse, he's 10 years younger & has more going for him!
So, so upset & can't get them out of my mind, mornings are worst, i just don't wanna wake up!
Gaz
waterface is offline  
Old 08-14-2005, 05:01 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
You're never alone!!
 
angelgirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 2,191
Hey gaz,
Hang in there. As hard as this sounds, don't sit and torture yourself by thinking of her, and what she's doing conatantly. Try really hard ( and I know that it;s not easy) to just keep working on yourself, and your life. You will prove to her over time that you can stay sober, and maybe then once you do, she will maek the choice to come back to you. But giving in, and drinking, will only further your problems, and will NOT bring her any closer to you, I'm sure you realize that, but keep reminding yourself, so when the urge to drink gets strong, you will be able to handle it.. Remembering that you will not get her back probably ever if you continue to drink.
We put the people we love through so much when we abuse. I understand that, and you also need to, and you probably do. But giving her time and space, and you showing your changing at the same time is probably the only way back.
Try going to some AA meetings. Throw yourself into a program that will help you. Just right now, worry about just you....
I hope you stick around here. Even sometimes when you people say things that you may ot want to hear, realy it's just to help you, so stick round, and post, and post...
and READ the boards here....
'm truly glad your here. Please dn't try to drink just to see if you can have one, and not anymore, it will only eventually lead you back,, and back is not where you want to go,, You want a new better life, right? You can ONLY get sober for yourself, you can't even do it, because she wants you to, it has to be you wanting more than anything.
Hang on buddy, you'll get there.. if you work it,,,
Love, Becky
angelgirl is offline  
Old 08-14-2005, 05:12 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Taos, New Mexico
Posts: 67
Aw, honey..I want to hug you.

You need to stay sober to improve your life. If she's still there after your sobriety...she's the one. I hope so. You can't be good to her until you are good to yourself.
Valeria is offline  
Old 08-14-2005, 05:19 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
You're never alone!!
 
angelgirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 2,191
Valeria has some very very good points.
I believe everything that happens is meant to be.
Please accept this advice.
Love, Becky
angelgirl is offline  
Old 08-14-2005, 05:25 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Where can I get a cup of tea?
 
ArthurDent's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Somewhere in space...
Posts: 55
I was just going to power down the laptop and go to sleep, but can't without saying Hi, and telling you that I've been through that kind of thing too. I can't give you all the answers Gaz, but some of this might help.

Firstly, even though it seems like it's due to you and the booze, life and people are more complex than that. This may have happened anyway, even if you'd never drank in your life, had twice your income, were a fully paid-up vegetarian member of Greenpeace and took the neighbour's dogs for walks at weekends. Who knows? It's as much about her as it is about you, and her feelings and decisions are not under anyone's control, nor of course, should they be.

I lost my first wife after 13 years of marriage, as well as my four children, because she decided she didn't want to be married any more. She moved three hundred miles away, and my kids grew up without me. That was fifteen years ago, and I've been drinking ever since. Neither of us drank while we were married.

My drinking, however, has ruined other relationships since. But that's not the whole story. One beautiful woman I was with for five years got colder and colder with me, less and less emotional and close, and said she was always bored with life. She said she hated my drinking and wouldn't drink with me, but she liked spending the money I was earning. Eventually, we couldn't stand being around each other and split up. I got more and more drunk of course, but you know what she did? She went out partying with others, getting plastered and doing drugs: she told me after that she just wanted to enjoy it. So it wasn't my drinking at all - it was far more complex than that.

This was perhaps six years ago, and at the time I stayed alone in my huge flat, sitting on the carpet crying like a baby for days, perhaps even a week or more. Oh, and getting plastered so I could collapse and pass out at night.

Some while later, when I was feeling just cold, empty and emotionless, thinking of her and the other guy, why we couldn't have stayed together and been happy, etc., a friend visited me and I poured my heart out. I sat and cried again, told him I hated life, hated her, hated myself. I asked him what the was the point when I had tried so hard, and it all fell apart anyway. You know what he did? He laughed at me! No kidding Gaz - he folded his arms, gave me a big grin, and laughed. I was bloody furious. But then he said something that stopped me in my tracks, and made me realise that everything which happened to me was because of choices I made. He looked me right in the eyes and said, "If you don't like what you've chosen, choose again!"

I didn't like him saying it, but some penny dropped inside me. I realised that my choices, my wanting her, my projections of what I thought our life together should be, my wanting to hang onto her when it just wasn't going to happen, and my refusal to see that it could be the best thing for me, was all about how I thought life should be.

I found out later that expecting life to be a certain way is a sure road to misery. If I choose it to be one way or another, and other people or events don't give me what I want, then how can I ever be happy?

Perhaps my rather long reply won't stop you feeling down right now, but I want you to know that all events in life are about choices, outcomes and change. That change is learning, growth. You might not think it now, but you'll look back in a little while and realise that you've grown from all of this - some part of you has expanded. Learned not about her, or her choices, but about the most important thing in your life: you.

It's not 'too late' Gaz, it's transformation. Have you read any of Thich Nhat Han's work? He's a Zen teacher, and writes some wonderful things. He said there has to be change, impermanence, in all things in this universe. If one thing is permanent, all things must be. If one thing is impermanent, all things must be. If everything was permanent, how could we change things into better things? How could we change unhappiness into happiness, tears into joy?

Learning to move through changes and be wise enough to to accept that they're teaching us something is what life is about I think. And the greatest lesson is learning to love not others, but yourself. When we love ourselves it radiates out to others naturally. When we refuse to love ourselves, as I've done for fifteen years by poisoning and numbing myself with booze, all we're doing is resisting the natural transformation of the world, and hurting ourselves by trying to avoid changes which would teach us how to find our own happiness.

Sorry for rambling on, but sometimes my mind becomes busy with thoughts, and I can type very fast!

Take one thought for now at least: you don't need to numb yourself with booze, and cause pain to your body because your heart feels pain. If you try to numb the pain that way you just hurt yourself more as you know, and you also slow and perhaps even loose the lessons you can learn about yourself in the coming days and weeks. How can a light shine for us if we keep switching it off?

Take courage, and know that there are many others feeling as you do now, and even worse. And come here often - people here have and are still going through the same pains, and understand better than any I've come across. Wishing you some peace for tonight.
ArthurDent is offline  
Old 08-14-2005, 05:27 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Taos, New Mexico
Posts: 67
Originally Posted by angelgirl
Valeria has some very very good points.
I believe everything that happens is meant to be.
Please accept this advice.
Love, Becky

Thanks, Becky!

I don't know much...I'm a newbie. However...if you are an alcoholic/adict...you have to deal with your problems first. If the people who loved you then still love you....they are keepers. Heal yourself first. Then you can you be good to other people in your life.
Valeria is offline  
Old 08-14-2005, 05:37 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
You're never alone!!
 
angelgirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 2,191
Val, oh how I agree, and also Arthur, wow what wonderful words given here.
It doesn't matter if your new or not, we all can give advice, we all have wonderful words of wisdom, even if we don't always follow our own advioce, of which I am definately guilty... Sometimes

Love ya all, Becky
angelgirl is offline  
Old 08-14-2005, 07:22 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
waterface's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On the beach
Posts: 163
Thanks all, can we keep posting on this thread?
All your words are great & inspiring & thankyou.
Angelgirl, i can't stop loving my gf, i've made bad decisions, been an idiot & she don't believe my change, but i'm going to show her.
She wants to see me, but i'm scared of goiing to sleep, as i've been dreaming of her & this guy together! & when not asleep, i think of it & imagine them kissing & that my actions drove her to it!
I shall be going to AA tommorow if it's still on!

She is 30, has 2 kids age 6 & 10, he is 21, can this work, will he comit to this?, at that age, why would he tie himself down! My gf looks younger & he did meet her in a bar. She doesn't drink & was looking after bags as her friends danced, she told me she was on a low from our relationship & thought what the hell!. His msn profile says he likes booze & women!!! she is only without them every other weekend, can you see a 21 year old comiting to someone elses kids!, she starts Uni soon & they will only see each other every weekend & one of them will be with the kids, i just don't think he will comit!! Do you?, i guess i'm hoping you all will say no!

Valeria, hugg to you too & thanks for support, i'm not touching this bottle of bourbon, i keep it there to strengthen my willpower.
Arthur, you do type fast, your words are inspiring, it's up to me, i did think i could drink & get away with it. My gf said to me she can tell if i've even walked past a bar or liquor store.
I'm tyred & scared now & i guess my dreams will be bad & i'll wake thinking it is all a bad dream, then the reality hits.

But talking to wonderful people like you all is great & i appreciate it.
Until later
Gaz
waterface is offline  
Old 08-14-2005, 07:31 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: somewhere
Posts: 3,384
Keep working on yourself and taking good care of you and everything else will fall into place as it is supposed to. You never know how things will turn out but if you keep working on your on life, you will be better off no matter how things turn out.

Check out that AA meeting and let us know how it goes.

We are here for you.!!

Hugs,
angel
hopealwayz is offline  
Old 08-15-2005, 10:32 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
waterface's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On the beach
Posts: 163
Hi all
For the first time i've actualy got it to sink into my skull that i can't allow my happiness to come from other people, or else i will fall apart as i am now if anything goes wrong within a relationship.
I need the foundations of happiness within to start a relationship & to work on myself.

Todays AA meeting, i called them this morning & they said it was a small meeting with people that had been going sometime!
On Wednesday, there will be a bigger meeting for beginners so i shall go along to that & start from scratch with others.

I don't know what to expect, will there be lots of homeless people that drink from bottles or just everyone from all wakes of life!!, i dunno. I don't even know wether to tell my (ex)gf that i'm going, as i want her to know i'm serious about this!
By the way, does anyone ever use chat?, nobody is ever on when i try!
waterface is offline  
Old 08-15-2005, 10:01 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Charlotte,NC
Posts: 167
Remember that your sobriety comes first. The last thing you need to be doing is thinking about this guy getting intimate with your girl constantly which is what it sounds like you're doing.

I'm not a shrink, but stating that you "can't get them out of my mind" is not the most healthy thing to be thinking about while in recovery. As hard as it might be, read the Big Book or other literature associated with recovery instead of focusing on what is going on in a back seat of car or whatever. I'm seperated and in all likelihood will be getting a divorce so I can relate to what you are thinking and saying.

Think about yourself first. Quit drinking for your sake not for other people's. Put your will into God's hands. If this relationship was meant to be, God will let you know at the right time. Maybe his plan for you is to meet a nice girl at an AA meeting who truly understands your situation. Time will only tell.

Keep the faith and keep the plug in the jug.
Irish Virus is offline  
Old 08-15-2005, 10:06 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Not all better, getting better
 
tyler's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Posts: 1,702
There are usually a wide variety of people at AA meetings, from "street drunks" to "business people" in suits. The best thing you can do to "prove yourself" to your GF is to stay sober longterm. You may have run out of second chances, I know I did, but you are on the right track saying that you have to live life for yourself and not "allow your happiness to come from other people." Good luck with the meeting!! Take care.
tyler is offline  
Old 08-16-2005, 03:01 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
waterface's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On the beach
Posts: 163
Hi & thanks

I do try not to dwell on my relationship situation, i'm sure you all must be aware of my feelings when i know someone else is being intimate with the girl i love.

Tommorow is my 1st AA meet & i'll post here. I suppose there's many people who have had chances & it's been too late for them.

This is all very fresh & raw with pain for me. She once told me that if i had the chance of going to an AA meet & keep her or lose her to drink, i'd lose her to drink!, i said it was a hard ddecision, oh how stupid i've been. The drink had such a hold on me! Now i'm going to AA, she's with another & i know i shouldn't think of it, but what can i do, i need a memory dump machine!

Chat soon

Gaz
waterface is offline  
Old 08-16-2005, 03:56 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
1_day@_a_time's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Pasadena, CA
Posts: 1,539
Suggest you stop worrying about the other guy, concentrate on you.

Maybe this is your wake up call.

Get and stay sober, for you. ONLY YOU.

Suggest you don't look to stay sober without some sort of a formal program. One you are completely involved with.
1_day@_a_time is offline  
Old 08-18-2005, 03:57 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
waterface's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On the beach
Posts: 163
weep

Things got worse today, feel so down, i have nothing, no-one & no confidence & i lost it all, me!
waterface is offline  
Old 08-18-2005, 04:29 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Not all better, getting better
 
tyler's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Posts: 1,702
I know how you feel, I lost it all too. However you can get it back. You may or may not get your girl back. I pissed away a 17 year relationship, probably won't get it back. But if you keep drinking/using, you assure you won't get any of it back, you will keep losing until you truly lose everything, even your life perhaps. I took it all the way to the edge, until I ended up in the hospital ER followed by a trip to the psych ward. When they shut the door and it locks from the other side and all you have with you are your puke covered clothes and a hospital gown, you really feel like you've lost it all. I'm not going to tell you my life is wonderful. I'm 37, bankrupt, live with my parrents, get to see my 4 year old son only a few times a year, and can't remember the last time I had sex!!! But from where I came, I have made great strides. I have a job, that I kinda even like, I'm going back to school, I'm starting to pay back my parrents for all the money I owe them, I have a civil relationship with my ex (while I'd like it to more than just civil, that is the best I can hope for at the moment) Hopefully within the next year I will be able to save up enough money to move closer to my son. I will accomplish none of this if I go back to using and I realize this. You can mope and mourn your situation all you want, but until you do something about it, and I mean on a long term basis, things will never get better. Things with your girl will work out one way or another, that is now out of your control, to a large degree. I say to a degree because you can guarantee she absolutely won't want to have anything to do with you if you go back to drinking. If you can stay sober, she may come back, she may not. There are consequences for your actions and you are experiencing some of them now. I know it sucks, believe me, I know, but it is just life and you just have to accept it and move on. Take care.
tyler is offline  
Old 08-18-2005, 04:43 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
Time2Surrender's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: The Field of Dreams
Posts: 7,249
I hate to be blunt,but it sounds like she has moved on.Accept it and move on yourself or keep dwelling on it and be miserable.This will pass.Drinking will only make things worse.Keep doing the AA meetings.
Time2Surrender is offline  
Old 08-19-2005, 06:58 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
waterface's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On the beach
Posts: 163
Hi & thanks

Tyler thanks for your words, i still am sober, i only seem to drink & same in past when things are going well, thats why i'm scared of, if ever we reconcile, or with others & life goes well, i'll think, 'oh a glass of wine won't hurt!!' Thats when my battle will begin.

We met yesterday, for me to give her a key, i could have posted it to her, but she wanted to see me, i thought i could handle it, but was too soon, i became needy & wanting answers tc, we argued, told me my frailties & hurt me again.

She is strong willed, can end a relationship & not bother her, i'm emotional, wanting it to work, sensitive & she just wanted to enjoy our company & the scenery & i ruined it, we said things in argument, like people do that weren't true.

Saw my psychologist today, she says that you can't be a friend to someone you want to be with, after time & you can handle being around her, only then can you start as if you just met & be friends & a possible reconciliation can happen then!, she has to fancy you again as she did in the first place!

What hurts me, is the fact she don't believe i can ever stop drinking, i said it before & was complacent, took for granted, why oh why didn't i think this would eventually push her away!, as she said!

Thanks
waterface is offline  
Old 08-24-2005, 05:02 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
waterface's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On the beach
Posts: 163
A glimmer of hope there may be!! she contacted me, confused, she don't know what she wants, it's up to me, to show her the 'me ' she loves, the sober, caring, unselfish, funny,good company, calm, pleasure to be with 'me'.

Any tips ??
waterface is offline  
Old 08-24-2005, 05:10 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Not all better, getting better
 
tyler's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Posts: 1,702
Just be yourself and stay sober, that's the best advice I can give.
tyler is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:34 AM.