At the end of the rope
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: San Jose, CA
Posts: 58
At the end of the rope
Well all, I have finally reached the end of my rope - I have no more patience, tollerance or acceptance with my best friend or my A.... Maybe it is a bad day or something, but I will surely have some amends to make to the A - and I am trying desperately to avoid the friend.
So, the A - he got laid off about 6 weeks ago - still no work... the dilemma - he sits on his butt all day at the computer which is possibly none of my business - but while sitting, he fails to do ANYTHING - he leaves dirty dishes all over the house, the dogs, cats and birds have no food or water when I get home, the washer and dryer still have the clothes I started 2 days ago in there - ARGGGGHHHHHH
Now to tell you the funny part that I still get to hear - 1.5 years ago when he went thru a chemical dependancy recovery program - they made it clear to the dependant one and the families that the A would need some time to recoup and veg... no biggie - I can do a few months, but we are on 18 months now and that is still his excuse - HELP!!!!! I am gonna beat him to death with the broom or suck him up in the Kirby if he does not start cleaning up at least the messes he makes!
Now for the best friend - she has been there for me thru thick and thin. I was always a bit embarrassed by her lack of discretion in public places and angered by her need to yell at strange men when she was in my car, but all in all I love her dearly... but - yes there is a but here... recently she went thru some back surgery and was put on some meds... being on continous pain management has changed her... she is more obnoxious, very degrading to my A in his home, very controling and just a big pain
in the butt.... I love her, but I am done!
What can I do
I am so frustrated with them both that I cannot think straight and every time I open my mouth about these issues that are really bothering me - well, I have to shut it quickly or I will be making amends forever!!! HELP!
So, the A - he got laid off about 6 weeks ago - still no work... the dilemma - he sits on his butt all day at the computer which is possibly none of my business - but while sitting, he fails to do ANYTHING - he leaves dirty dishes all over the house, the dogs, cats and birds have no food or water when I get home, the washer and dryer still have the clothes I started 2 days ago in there - ARGGGGHHHHHH
Now to tell you the funny part that I still get to hear - 1.5 years ago when he went thru a chemical dependancy recovery program - they made it clear to the dependant one and the families that the A would need some time to recoup and veg... no biggie - I can do a few months, but we are on 18 months now and that is still his excuse - HELP!!!!! I am gonna beat him to death with the broom or suck him up in the Kirby if he does not start cleaning up at least the messes he makes!
Now for the best friend - she has been there for me thru thick and thin. I was always a bit embarrassed by her lack of discretion in public places and angered by her need to yell at strange men when she was in my car, but all in all I love her dearly... but - yes there is a but here... recently she went thru some back surgery and was put on some meds... being on continous pain management has changed her... she is more obnoxious, very degrading to my A in his home, very controling and just a big pain
in the butt.... I love her, but I am done!
What can I do
I am so frustrated with them both that I cannot think straight and every time I open my mouth about these issues that are really bothering me - well, I have to shut it quickly or I will be making amends forever!!!
HELP!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: upstate, ny
Posts: 135
hey red,
why do u have to make amends to the a? boundaries are necessary in any normal relationship. i think that u've been more than understanding of detox and recovery in this scenario.i think if u look carefully, u are doing things 4 ur a that he should be doing 4 himself. he can't ask 4 respect and u may be keeping the cycle of family illness going by not asking him to be accountable 4 his actions. i have experienced a level of frustration that i hear in ur story, and been ready to kill myself. with boundaries and conesquences in place, that frustration level would drop. is the a a child or an adult?stop doing things for the a that he can do for himself. if we don't stop we paint ourselves into a matry or victim. the a also loses self-respect, and assumes guilt and shame addressed at u for letting him walk on u.if he is perhaps in a clinical depression, than he needs to seek help for himself. don't set urself up 4 frustrations. don't wash his clothes or pick them up.
about the girlfriend. more aggravating frustration. if her personality is irritating and altered, either discuss ur conncerns or detach from something that is out of ur control. her behavior. i've had very dear friends grate on my last nerve when i've been stressed in the past. sometimes people disapoint us, as we probably have disapointed others in our lifetime. i would think u have too much frustration on ur plate. try to detach and distance and calm urself thru anything that has a positive effect on u. i think if i were u , i would let my emotions settle down and read or bubble bath or something relaxing so u can get in touch with the real problem and how is the healthiest way to deal with it. addicts and alchohlics can be very difficult to live with. i discovered that my repeat insane reactions to them have probably been just as aggravating to the rest of my family and circle of friends. relax and god bless u and the family. hugs from sugar
why do u have to make amends to the a? boundaries are necessary in any normal relationship. i think that u've been more than understanding of detox and recovery in this scenario.i think if u look carefully, u are doing things 4 ur a that he should be doing 4 himself. he can't ask 4 respect and u may be keeping the cycle of family illness going by not asking him to be accountable 4 his actions. i have experienced a level of frustration that i hear in ur story, and been ready to kill myself. with boundaries and conesquences in place, that frustration level would drop. is the a a child or an adult?stop doing things for the a that he can do for himself. if we don't stop we paint ourselves into a matry or victim. the a also loses self-respect, and assumes guilt and shame addressed at u for letting him walk on u.if he is perhaps in a clinical depression, than he needs to seek help for himself. don't set urself up 4 frustrations. don't wash his clothes or pick them up.
about the girlfriend. more aggravating frustration. if her personality is irritating and altered, either discuss ur conncerns or detach from something that is out of ur control. her behavior. i've had very dear friends grate on my last nerve when i've been stressed in the past. sometimes people disapoint us, as we probably have disapointed others in our lifetime. i would think u have too much frustration on ur plate. try to detach and distance and calm urself thru anything that has a positive effect on u. i think if i were u , i would let my emotions settle down and read or bubble bath or something relaxing so u can get in touch with the real problem and how is the healthiest way to deal with it. addicts and alchohlics can be very difficult to live with. i discovered that my repeat insane reactions to them have probably been just as aggravating to the rest of my family and circle of friends. relax and god bless u and the family. hugs from sugar
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Red,
It sounds like you already know that b****ing at him is not going to anyone any good and you are right. Are you supporting him? Duh.. Well you could cut back a bit, I mean I know the man has to eat, but on the extra's. His brand of gel..that sort of thing. You don't have to be spending your hard earned money on extra's for him. Have you directly asked him to wash the dishes and feed the animals...or left a note? I know I can't always count on Ward to see what I see needs doing.
Don't make it too easy on him to sit around and do nothing. You can tell him what you told us without raising the roof and you can SAY that was 18 months ago when he uses that as an excuse. You can SAY I am not going to support you financially if you are ready to back it up.
Hugs,
JT
It sounds like you already know that b****ing at him is not going to anyone any good and you are right. Are you supporting him? Duh.. Well you could cut back a bit, I mean I know the man has to eat, but on the extra's. His brand of gel..that sort of thing. You don't have to be spending your hard earned money on extra's for him. Have you directly asked him to wash the dishes and feed the animals...or left a note? I know I can't always count on Ward to see what I see needs doing.
Don't make it too easy on him to sit around and do nothing. You can tell him what you told us without raising the roof and you can SAY that was 18 months ago when he uses that as an excuse. You can SAY I am not going to support you financially if you are ready to back it up.
Hugs,
JT
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: San Jose, CA
Posts: 58
Thanks Sugar and JT 
My A is an adult - 40 going on 2 if you ask him, but that is only his perception... LOL
You both have given me much to think on - mostly - what am I doing that he could do for himself and what can I do differently with the friend.
I have left notes about the small stuff (ie... feeding the pets, taking out the trash - etc...) when I saw it was still not getting done (the pets being my greatest pet peeve), I took some notebook paper and wrote on it the following;
CHECK AND FILL DOGS, CATS AND BIRDS FOOD AND WATER!!!
And yes, it was in all caps with 4 exclamation points - needless to say, I made 7 copies and they are everywhere he would go in the house - on the garage door, the bedroom door, the bathroom doors, the fridge, the back door.... I even put one on his computer monitor!!!
As for the amends to the A... well, I was a bit unserene and I called him a lazy f*** and a few other not so nice terms of un endearment... I know better than that and if I had taken a minute and stepped back, but I didn't... it was one of those days where it took me 1 hour to travel 14 miles in CA traffic, got home and NONE of the pets had any food or water, and he had been online spending his severance on his Corvette instead of paying the bills - there was food and dishes all over the place and blah blah blah... I lost it....
Oh well - today is a new day and tomorrow is a new day too...
Thanks for all the input!
RedAPBT in Sunny CA
My A is an adult - 40 going on 2 if you ask him, but that is only his perception... LOL
You both have given me much to think on - mostly - what am I doing that he could do for himself and what can I do differently with the friend.
I have left notes about the small stuff (ie... feeding the pets, taking out the trash - etc...) when I saw it was still not getting done (the pets being my greatest pet peeve), I took some notebook paper and wrote on it the following;
CHECK AND FILL DOGS, CATS AND BIRDS FOOD AND WATER!!!
And yes, it was in all caps with 4 exclamation points - needless to say, I made 7 copies and they are everywhere he would go in the house - on the garage door, the bedroom door, the bathroom doors, the fridge, the back door.... I even put one on his computer monitor!!!
As for the amends to the A... well, I was a bit unserene and I called him a lazy f*** and a few other not so nice terms of un endearment...
I know better than that and if I had taken a minute and stepped back, but I didn't... it was one of those days where it took me 1 hour to travel 14 miles in CA traffic, got home and NONE of the pets had any food or water, and he had been online spending his severance on his Corvette instead of paying the bills - there was food and dishes all over the place and blah blah blah... I lost it.... Oh well - today is a new day and tomorrow is a new day too...
Thanks for all the input!
RedAPBT in Sunny CA
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