narekkm

I really need to get off my chest the things that happened last night at home with my AH. I feel absolutely sick to my stomach about what happened and hate myself for allowing myself to react to his drinking like I did.

When I got home from work last night, I was dead tired emotionally and physically. I usually go to the gym and should've last night and spared myself from my heinous acts. My AH was passed out on the couch with vomit from his last meal (chicken chili) running down his leg and on the floor. I LOST it. I started yelling and soon grew out of control and started to kick him in the leg to get him to wake up, slapped his face a couple of times and then took a bottle of water and dumped it over his head. I could've done more harm if I allowed myself. The whole time all he did was just open his eyes for a second or two and pass out again. The more non-responsive he was the angrier I got. I finally stood back and saw what I was doing and went to my room for the rest of the night

There is no excuse for my behavior and I am sick about it. I saw him this morning and I really don't know what if anything he remembers about yesterday, but I will never forget.

I don't want to leave him. I love the man but HATE the alcoholic. I go to alanon meetings but seem to lose everything I have learned or trying to learn when I see him passed out like that.

I need to get this off my chest. Thank you for listening.

Is there such a thing as a cyber sponsor on these boards? If so, I could REALLY use one right about now.

queenofthehwy

((((narekkm))))

elizabeth1979

I read your post in general recovery too!

I have been there so many times. When I found myself getting out of control I had to simply walk away. I could not personally allow myself to be out of control in that way (and I did many times) because then I was playing the same game he played. Out of control behavior is like poison to my soul.

I think the sponsor would be good! You could ask some of the veterans here if they could spend some one on one time with you!

Minx1969

Do you have a sponsor in Alanon? Are you working the steps?

Have you thought about going to a counselor as well for your anger issues? This is not a healthy place for you or your alcoholic to be in..

narekkm

I am going to al-anon but do not have a sponsor yet and haven't really started the steps, either. I do go to counseling and have inquired about anger management classes, but none are available in my area.

We start joint counseling next week (assuming he's sober) and hopefully can start to resolve some of my anger issues with him there.

Minx1969

I'd call the local women's shelters..they should know about the anger management classes..I know that courts usually order them as well so..

Good luck..

Beautiful

Maybe I stand alone here but what on earth do anger management classes have to do with his irresponsible behavior???? That's almost like blaming the person you ran over with your car for being in the street. I hate my AH disease, too, but I hate MORE his unwillingness to manage it. Yikes. Got off on my soap box there............

Minx1969

Beautiful -

Sure his behavior is irresponsible..but narekkm obviously needs anger management classes as well if she is kicking him and slapping him while he is passed out..Narekkm can only help herself..

For me..violence in any form is unacceptable..

Just my thoughts..

Beautiful

Agreed about the physical violence thing. I think that my AH has turned every emotion I've ever had into Enabling, Weakness, Abuse........anything that turned the responsibility from his sh*tty behavior back to me. Did I mention that I was responsible for famine in Ethiopia? LOL

So, while I agree that she may've been out of line this time -- is it possible that she's at her breaking point and needs to step away until he makes a lifestyle change?

Beating the p*ss out of him (which he probably deserves) aside, that's the only point I was looking at.

Minx1969

Agreed..although this post totally reminded me of Mary Pearl's tape..she's the Alanon (she's not around anymore) that dragged her drunk AH to the tub, drowned him then gave him CPR back to life..

Sure it's funny now since he lived but there are alot of women in prison for this very reason..

I agree that N. needs a change..