KATIE77

Hi folks

I thought I was doing OK. I havent heard from him in a while now (except when he called to say he broke his ribs ...... yep drunk as normal) and I have kept myself busy making plans to move, working on my house etc...
Then out of the blue the other night this happens -
It is his bithday. In the past he has been completely wasted you would think his birthday was a week long!!! Well a friend went to the party, she called me up and said "Katie you would never believe this he is drinking orange juice!" Apparently he has a new girlfriend. She has managed to get him to seek help and he is trying.
Wow a double wammy. I am still in love with him. The thought of him having another gf makes me feel ill. The other thing is how did she get him to seek help when I tried for so long. Why for her and not for me??
I am kind of thrown and cannot get my head around the corner. I hate her for having what I wanted and still want. I want to be with him so much but sober. Not the stuff I had in the past.
Any ideas how I can get my head around this? Its sending me dizzy!


Oh yeah how ironic - the new GF is the barmaid from his regular bar!
Thanks

elizabeth1979

Katie! Think of it this way...you could control it, neither can she. If he is truly in recovery and doing it FOR her, than I would suspect it may not last. If he is doing it for himself, than maybe its all the things you said to him, that made him think. You may never know who the contributing factor was my friend.

Lets hope he is doing it for him...not for her, or for you!

I know it must hurt, I would be bothered a little too...but keep your head up, keep working on your life, and allow the chips to fall where they may!

queenofthehwy

Katie,
That must be hard, but let's just see how long it lasts. If he is doing it for her, we all know it will not last. Take care of you, girl!!!
Mindi

Minx1969

Katie,

hang in there! Could be that this is just another attempt for him to control his drinking..my ex did that alot..wouldn't drink for a bit then right back where he started..

i know it's hard but dont' take it personally..time will tell and see if it is real or not..

cwohio

((katie)) they all said above what i would say to you too. it has got to hurt but you don't know anything for a fact first of all and time will tell if he is doing it for the right person - himself!

hugs to you - christie

Aquiana

Hi Katie, Although it could be an actual attempt to stop drinking it could also be another form of manipulation. It sounds like it could be a little beginning of a relationship "best behaviour". When abf and I got together he did everything to convince me he was not an alcoholic. He knew about his problem, he knew about the problems it caused in his past and he knew he'd better cover it all up or I would have walked long ago. Once his comfort level went up in the relationship, he stopped trying to convince me there was no problem. I'm sure many of us, in times when we've been ready to walk out of the whole thing have heard the old, "Don't worry, I'm going to get some help and everything will be fine." I'm sure many times that lasted only until they felt secure again.

Maybe it sounds rude of me to say, and I hope for his sake he really means it but it sounds like a plot reel this girl in. True colors will come out in time.

Take care of yourself. You gave him everything you could.

splendra

I think it is a tatic his addiction is using to manipulate her into thinking she has control... imagine her shock when she finds out she is not in control.

IMO there is no worse addict than a codie who thinks they are in control of an alcoholic or an addict.

herewegoagain

Maybe it wasn't just orange juice - maybe it was a screwdriver. You couldn't really tell my looking at it that it didn't have any alcohol in it. So your friend could be wrong.

Like another poster said - if he's doing it FOR HER rather than himself - it won't last. And come on - he's dating a barmaid ? Doesn't seem exactly conducive to sobriety to me.

CatsTail

Hi KATIE,

I remember I had this boyfriend and he drank his face off for four years while he was with me, was violent to me, ran around constantly.

Then.........after we broke up her went to A.A for two years and had a girlfriend in A.A. He also went around telling everyone he had the best sex life with me he had ever had.

So all I can say is they are sick, and there is no rhyme or reason to anything they do. He's not doing it for her he's doing it to manipulate. Don't take it personally.
It's not about you not being good enough, failing or anything like that. And don't forget you're moving on with your life. You don't think that bothers him? You don't think he'd get just a little pleasure out of you hearing he's stopped drinking? Sick minds KATIE sick minds.

Ngaire

escape artist

well, i would question the motive of your so called friend to call you up and even bother to tell you any of that crap. you are not a victim honey- so Let It Go.

dax

Well this girlfriend will probably have a rude awaking- when he has a slip. Neither she or you will be the cause of his sobriety. He must want it for himself. Maybe losing you woke him up and caused him to hit bottom. hugs dax

sunshinebluesky

you could have no idea how much i know EXACTLY all the feelings you are feeling. i know it will be hard, but dont make the mistakes i made and lash out at him.....i wish i could have rationalized what i have known for many years of life, that is that sometimes just being quiet is the best thing you can do. for so many reasons, but it does really seem to get to people more than anything you can ever say!
my ex's life seems to have totally changed. after me. and i wonder if he has cut down on his drinking too. it has totally screwed with my self esteem. i often feel like maybe he just was settling for me and thats why he never seemed to be able to put alot of effort into me and the relationship. he has said, he couldnt give me what i needed. well the truth is, he WOULDNT give me what i needed,and i often feel its because he really didnt love me. how could he, when he was drunk all the time? thus,i feel kind of used. at times, i am so angry for him wasting my time. and so angry at me for not ending it way sooner, as i felt he really wasnt into me long before it was over.
sometimes, when i think of things he said, and did...and his basic personality which isnt deceitful,or player type, etc....i feel that maybe at the time he did truly believe he loved me, and being the needy person he is, yes he was willing to settle....for as long as i was.
thing is, i have been thru the same kind of scenario before with a non a ex. we were always struggling for money, he was always in and out of work, we rarely went nice places or away, etc.....and then he remarried and now he lives in a quarter million dollar house, hes always working, they always are going on nice vacations, etc......
it cant all help but make you feel like crap.
then,at times i think, much to the blindness of the new women, maybe the good changes WERE due to ME. but hell, that doesnt make me feel any better!! them reaping the benefits of all my nagging and heartache.
i keep trying to remind myself that it doesnt matter what he does NOW. when he was with me, it sucked. its NOT my fault that he wouldnt change anything back then.if he didnt love me, or love me enough--we didnt belong together.IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. maybe he belongs with her.and if it ends up he doesnt, hopefully the processes i been going through, will keep me strong in my stand on what i want and dont want in the future.....with him or without him.
i hope these words help you, as i truly feel what you are feeling.

Cazza

Katie, I highly doubt it will last with her, and I also doubt he has true feelings for her. My A friend sought "help" with ME when he was at his lowest, and I stood by him while he went to detox, and let him USE me, and now he barely acknowledges me anymore. Did I mention he is drinking again? Not that I would wish failure for anyone who is trying to recover, but just don't assume this is his happy ending with someone else. It could be anything. I know how hard it is to try not to care. I wish I could make myself stop caring too.

Beautiful

Manipulation. Classic. Remember, an addict needs another to perpetuate the cycle. It's not you -- it's him.

It hurts a lot but understand that but his *true* girlfriend the booze will win in the end.

Savana 54

Oh Katie, I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. Like everyone else said; I doubt he is changing for "her." It's all an act of manipulation on his part. You know how good they are at at manipulating us. I doubt it will last very long.

Remember you are better then that; YOU deserve so much more!! YOU will find that someday!!

((((((hugs))))))

Savana

giz

Katie,

I agree with people here. He is probably doing it to "hide" how he really is. Slowly, he will go back to his old ways with her. It is a part of his manipulation, yes. Maybe he will truly change and if so, be happy for his recovery. Work on your recovery also to make better dating decisions going forward. You deserve the best!

BSPGirl

This won't work either, no worries, he needs to get help for himself exclusively in order to make it work.

Marte

Missy

Just remember. These guys are sooo good. Someone from here once said they can sell refrigerators to Eskimos and that stuck with me. I dont take anything personal anymore either and that helps with my own healing

mazey

Good to read this, cuz I also feel mine will soon have to flaunt a girlfriend, and do all the things I asked for...NOT! Cuz, the root of our evil is still there. I must remember that. He always said,'you are the love of my life', but he left out the recognition of alcohol first and all that goes with it. They are great manipulators! Yours prolly knew someone would come back to tell you and hurt your feelings. Guard up!

sadface

I agree with what everybody else has said and I understand what you are feeling. I felt the same exact way. I thought my AH had quit drinking and the OW had the man I loved. Well she does,the drinking & fighting, and chaos. Honeymoon didn't last long. A few months ago, he started calling me when he is drunk and saying how much he loves and misses me. All this while he is living with her. Every time he calls, comes over, and recently the chaos he had, it reminds me the life I lived with him and I had forgotten. My life is good now without him, so don't beat yourself up. This too will pass.