Emotional Roller Coaster
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 4
Emotional Roller Coaster
Hi all,
I am looking for advice, guidance, or to hear someone say they know what I'm talking about. I posted my story under Jon's enabler thread and since then my AH (our divorce was basically put on hold while he was DT-ing in the hospital) has sought out help. He went to a rehab today and was evaluated as an outpatient. He goes to meetings there 3 times a week starting Monday, and is required to go to at least 2 AA meetings a month. He claims he wants to take this all the way, and never wants to be where he was almost a month ago.
So here I am - CONFUSED.
I was so ready to move on with my life, get settled in my new career, help my children adjust to their new life, and was even open to the idea of dating in the future. Maybe I would meet someone who enjoyed spending time with me, someone who is passionate about the same things I am.
Now all I find myself doing is thinking about my AH. Wanting to "help" him, help himself - God the endabler in me! (or is it?) I miss him, I want to spend time with him, I love being around the sober man I once knew. But I'm afraid. What if he doesn't continue down this path? I don't think I can handle going through all the pain and suffering I've already put myself through once. I try to tell myself it's too soon to feel for him again, but I can't stop. He has such a long haul in front of him - stay sober, clean up the debt he created, take on responsibilities for himself, and after all that maybe he'll be able to be present in a relationship. I also try to tell myself, he may not even want me after all that. He may find someone to share his challenges with at AA. Someone who is going through what he is going through, they could help each other.
Do I move on with my life? Do I press on with the divorce? If I do, will cause him to start drinking again? My life is limbo. I let my fate be at his whim in fear of missing an opportunity that may not even be there.
I am looking for advice, guidance, or to hear someone say they know what I'm talking about. I posted my story under Jon's enabler thread and since then my AH (our divorce was basically put on hold while he was DT-ing in the hospital) has sought out help. He went to a rehab today and was evaluated as an outpatient. He goes to meetings there 3 times a week starting Monday, and is required to go to at least 2 AA meetings a month. He claims he wants to take this all the way, and never wants to be where he was almost a month ago.
So here I am - CONFUSED.
I was so ready to move on with my life, get settled in my new career, help my children adjust to their new life, and was even open to the idea of dating in the future. Maybe I would meet someone who enjoyed spending time with me, someone who is passionate about the same things I am.
Now all I find myself doing is thinking about my AH. Wanting to "help" him, help himself - God the endabler in me! (or is it?) I miss him, I want to spend time with him, I love being around the sober man I once knew. But I'm afraid. What if he doesn't continue down this path? I don't think I can handle going through all the pain and suffering I've already put myself through once. I try to tell myself it's too soon to feel for him again, but I can't stop. He has such a long haul in front of him - stay sober, clean up the debt he created, take on responsibilities for himself, and after all that maybe he'll be able to be present in a relationship. I also try to tell myself, he may not even want me after all that. He may find someone to share his challenges with at AA. Someone who is going through what he is going through, they could help each other.
Do I move on with my life? Do I press on with the divorce? If I do, will cause him to start drinking again? My life is limbo. I let my fate be at his whim in fear of missing an opportunity that may not even be there.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Welcome to SR.... we are so glad you found us.
Well I dont know what to tell you but soon many will be by that probably have your experience.
I guess you will have to decide inside youself what you want to do.... the only thing I can think of to tell you is in an alcholic relationship take care of you first..... either way you choose will be a long haul. PLEASE, go to Al-anon and get the support you will need to deal with this either with or without him. I cant tell you enough that we are not strong enough alone to do it.
You dont have to make choices right away, I would suggest letting him walk the walk before I put my heart back on the line.... there is nothing you can do that cant be undone if he is really serious about recovery... but I do have to warn you that even in early recovery they are not sane... and I would not give my heart back to any one of them that did not have a year without drinking. That may sound harsh, but I have lived throught the early stages and YEP he found someone right away in AA that understood him. I cant tell you enough to detach yourself and make sure that you take care of you..... cuz it hurts alot.
*hugs* I do know how you feel and my heart goes out to you *hugs*
Well I dont know what to tell you but soon many will be by that probably have your experience.
I guess you will have to decide inside youself what you want to do.... the only thing I can think of to tell you is in an alcholic relationship take care of you first..... either way you choose will be a long haul. PLEASE, go to Al-anon and get the support you will need to deal with this either with or without him. I cant tell you enough that we are not strong enough alone to do it.
You dont have to make choices right away, I would suggest letting him walk the walk before I put my heart back on the line.... there is nothing you can do that cant be undone if he is really serious about recovery... but I do have to warn you that even in early recovery they are not sane... and I would not give my heart back to any one of them that did not have a year without drinking. That may sound harsh, but I have lived throught the early stages and YEP he found someone right away in AA that understood him. I cant tell you enough to detach yourself and make sure that you take care of you..... cuz it hurts alot.
*hugs* I do know how you feel and my heart goes out to you *hugs*
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
((purple)) what cyenay says is tru - i have been down a long hard road with my AH - after many withdrawal/DT incidents and finally a DUI he was doing an outpatient program and just tonight is in for detox AGAIN! i am still going to talk to an atty. about at least a legal separation because you just can't believe them until they walk the walk for a while. b good to yourself & kids - go with your gut feeling - you can always date even if you go thru with the divorce - AND you will not cause him to start drinking again - only he can make that choice!
hugs - christie
hugs - christie
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 1
I am almost at the exact same point as you, PurpleRain. No kids though, and that's a biggie. I filed for divorce 3 weeks ago. It was only then that my husband admitted (of his own accord) to having a problem. Within 2 days of him moving out, he went to an AA meeting (asked me to go with him). Now he says this was his wake-up call, that he has not had a drink since he moved out, and do I really want to go through with the divorce? I thought about it for a week and decided yes, I really want to end the legal relationship (much easier for me, no kids) between us. We've been together 8 years, married for 5. I don't want him to have the power to affect my financial and emotional security that he did. If we get back together, it will have to be because we started over again and decided it was worth committing to this person for the rest of our lives again, not because of inertia and some legality still hanging there. It doesn't take much to get a marriage license. I don't even need to be married to him to consider him a partner in my life. But right now I need a clean break from him for a while so I can heal myself.
I'm new to this forum, and it was good to read about somebody else going through this. I wish you luck in finding your path.
I'm new to this forum, and it was good to read about somebody else going through this. I wish you luck in finding your path.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
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You don't need to make any final decisions right now but you can still get on with your life and recovery.
You could ask for a trial separation for awhile to get yourself back on your feet.
You can start separating yourself financially from him.
You can go to Alanon meetings to get the support you need in this.
It's not your responsibility if he starts drinking again if you get on with your life. He has choices too and you are not responsible for them.
Ngaire
You don't need to make any final decisions right now but you can still get on with your life and recovery.
You could ask for a trial separation for awhile to get yourself back on your feet.
You can start separating yourself financially from him.
You can go to Alanon meetings to get the support you need in this.
It's not your responsibility if he starts drinking again if you get on with your life. He has choices too and you are not responsible for them.
Ngaire
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
Welcome to SR Purplerain and Pochants.....
You both have come to the right place for support...as already mentioned Alanon is extremely helpful in getting your life on track.....
Purplerain....my exA and I were together 2 years....first 3 months were great he hid his addiction well...the rest of the relationship was a hugh rollarcoaster ride. 20x hospitalized and 2 out-patient programs in 15 months....almost died the last time and is still drinking.....He now lives in another state with his 85 year old enabling parents.
He is a lost man....I do not feel responsible for his continued drinking, even though he has blamed me for it countless times...please do what is right for you and keep coming back here it's a great place for support....
Love, Patty
You both have come to the right place for support...as already mentioned Alanon is extremely helpful in getting your life on track.....
Purplerain....my exA and I were together 2 years....first 3 months were great he hid his addiction well...the rest of the relationship was a hugh rollarcoaster ride. 20x hospitalized and 2 out-patient programs in 15 months....almost died the last time and is still drinking.....He now lives in another state with his 85 year old enabling parents.
He is a lost man....I do not feel responsible for his continued drinking, even though he has blamed me for it countless times...please do what is right for you and keep coming back here it's a great place for support....
Love, Patty
Alcohol is a cruel mistress!!!
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: crownpoint newyork
Posts: 820
As far as his meeting requirements go I think they are way off base. The 2 AA meetings a month is way low. My husband goes to 2 a week, and he struggles daily. I've heard things like 30 meetings in 30 days or 60 in 60 days. I think those numbers would certainly jumpstart a recovery program. Regardless of what he does work on yourself like the others have suggessted. I come in here 2 a day, it keeps me going in the right direction. Kerry
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Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Carrollton, Texas
Posts: 218
Hello and Welcome to SR Purplerain
All I can say..is if it were me...and I had already started divorce proceedings and going through all the motions of getting you and the kids back on track...I think that I would follow through. Let him go through whatever it is that he needs to. Let him take ownership of his "issues" and then...and only then..see if ya'll even want to be together.
After he has some clean time and if there is still the attachment..then great. Date him..see if he is still someone that you want to spend time with..but in the meantime..Take care of yourself. Get yourself healthy and take care of the kids. Let them see that there is a sane side of life.
Remember, there is nothing that can't be undone later.
Please take care and keep coming back.
All I can say..is if it were me...and I had already started divorce proceedings and going through all the motions of getting you and the kids back on track...I think that I would follow through. Let him go through whatever it is that he needs to. Let him take ownership of his "issues" and then...and only then..see if ya'll even want to be together.
After he has some clean time and if there is still the attachment..then great. Date him..see if he is still someone that you want to spend time with..but in the meantime..Take care of yourself. Get yourself healthy and take care of the kids. Let them see that there is a sane side of life.
Remember, there is nothing that can't be undone later.
Please take care and keep coming back.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 4
Wow.... I am overwhelmed with all the support. I have felt so alone for so long, who knew I had so many new friends out there. Thank you all.
I am looking into Al Anon - I printed out all the locations and plan on making phone calls today.
I feel like my confusion is my heart wanting things to be better and like they used to be, but my mind is almost certain it won't. I try to fix it, before it happens again. I see myself back in the co-dependent cycle, just on a different level. Now I want to do everything for him to help him get better, before I was in denial of the problem and helped him get sick.
As I said in my post on enabling, my AH has gone to non-alcoholic beer. I've been talking to him until I'm blue in the face that is not a good start. At first I thought he listened to me and stopped, but he's sounded different sometimes when we talk on the phone. I asked him again about drinking the non-alc beer, and at first he said no, but then added even if he was what difference does it make, there's no alcohol in it, it's like drinking a coke. Yesterday evening he admitted he was drinking it on occasion. Maybe one or two every now and then. He used to always tell me he only had a couple beers when he was drinking also. Now everytime I talk to him I want to ask him if he's had any. He told me I get on a subject and won't let go, I just keep digging and digging. He told me I don't even know what I'm talking about, I've never been through this before.
I'm looking forward to Al Anon - maybe I'll stop obessing over making things right.
I am looking into Al Anon - I printed out all the locations and plan on making phone calls today.
I feel like my confusion is my heart wanting things to be better and like they used to be, but my mind is almost certain it won't. I try to fix it, before it happens again. I see myself back in the co-dependent cycle, just on a different level. Now I want to do everything for him to help him get better, before I was in denial of the problem and helped him get sick.
As I said in my post on enabling, my AH has gone to non-alcoholic beer. I've been talking to him until I'm blue in the face that is not a good start. At first I thought he listened to me and stopped, but he's sounded different sometimes when we talk on the phone. I asked him again about drinking the non-alc beer, and at first he said no, but then added even if he was what difference does it make, there's no alcohol in it, it's like drinking a coke. Yesterday evening he admitted he was drinking it on occasion. Maybe one or two every now and then. He used to always tell me he only had a couple beers when he was drinking also. Now everytime I talk to him I want to ask him if he's had any. He told me I get on a subject and won't let go, I just keep digging and digging. He told me I don't even know what I'm talking about, I've never been through this before.
I'm looking forward to Al Anon - maybe I'll stop obessing over making things right.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Purplerain - welcome!! You've been given some great advice and al-anon should help you even more.
As for the admitting to a couple of drinks - you know, alcoholics aren't able to count to any more than 2. If you ask someone how many drinks they've had and they say 4, then you know they aren't alcoholic.
As for the admitting to a couple of drinks - you know, alcoholics aren't able to count to any more than 2. If you ask someone how many drinks they've had and they say 4, then you know they aren't alcoholic.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 4
Minnie - you made me laugh today!! So 2 is every alcoholics maximum drink capacity, huh? I never realized there were so many common factors out there.
I'm going to start a new thread on non-alcoholic beer, I'm sure others may have dealt with this also.
Hope to see you guys there!
I'm going to start a new thread on non-alcoholic beer, I'm sure others may have dealt with this also.
Hope to see you guys there!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: DooDooville, USA
Posts: 453
Welcome to SR!!! 
It's a great place, for sure. Lotsa good support and advice from people whom have been there and back.
Non-alcoholic beer does have alcohol in it. A very small amount, but nevertheless, it does AND it keeps the A in the practicing drinking stage cuz they're trying to fool themselves that it's not alcohol, so it's "ok", but it's not.
Once we've gotten to the point of searching for lawyers and seperation papers........we've made the cross over. Meaning that, in our hearts, we're ready to move on. We may put the seperation on hold a couple of times and try again with the spouse or SO, but sooner or later, we'll come back to our initial reason for seeking out the lawyer.
It takes time to get to that point. I've always been a person that will let some one push me and push me and push me,......and then, I've had it. I'm done and that's it. My xabf is still trying to push me and I've let him, but soon ........I'll be completely done.
I'm like you, I've started the looking forward to the future, doing the therapy for myself and taking care of me. It's just not the same when you go back and focus on the A again cuz we've learned some new things that we didn't know before. It's a re-programming way of thinking. How can we go backwards when we want to go forwards so badly?
Like the others said, your AH may become sober (it's possible. I've been sober 11 yrs) and become a better man and you two may fall in love again and that would be great!!! But, one step at a time. Keep focusing on you.
Keep posting!!
((hugs))
It's a great place, for sure. Lotsa good support and advice from people whom have been there and back.Non-alcoholic beer does have alcohol in it. A very small amount, but nevertheless, it does AND it keeps the A in the practicing drinking stage cuz they're trying to fool themselves that it's not alcohol, so it's "ok", but it's not.
Once we've gotten to the point of searching for lawyers and seperation papers........we've made the cross over. Meaning that, in our hearts, we're ready to move on. We may put the seperation on hold a couple of times and try again with the spouse or SO, but sooner or later, we'll come back to our initial reason for seeking out the lawyer.
It takes time to get to that point. I've always been a person that will let some one push me and push me and push me,......and then, I've had it. I'm done and that's it. My xabf is still trying to push me and I've let him, but soon ........I'll be completely done.
I'm like you, I've started the looking forward to the future, doing the therapy for myself and taking care of me. It's just not the same when you go back and focus on the A again cuz we've learned some new things that we didn't know before. It's a re-programming way of thinking. How can we go backwards when we want to go forwards so badly?
Like the others said, your AH may become sober (it's possible. I've been sober 11 yrs) and become a better man and you two may fall in love again and that would be great!!! But, one step at a time. Keep focusing on you.
Keep posting!!
((hugs))
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: South Central, NJ
Posts: 3
Do I press on with the divorce? If I do, will cause him to start drinking again?
Whatever you do, if he's going to drink again, he's going to drink. You're actions don't affect his disease. Do what's right for you and the children. :xmasu
Whatever you do, if he's going to drink again, he's going to drink. You're actions don't affect his disease. Do what's right for you and the children. :xmasu
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