Cynay

OK... so this probably should not bother me so much but it is..... help please.

When my ex-abf and I broke up, he had treated my daughter and I like Crap, he was having an affair with someone in AA, asked us to leave 2 weeks before Christmas with 500.00, I left with nothing that he had purchased, a well running business, and even left a few items there that I could not take. I did not stock him, call him, yell at him NOTHING.... I was as nice as possible

In March when we starting seeing each other again, he broke up with me 4 times in 4 weeks... treated my like I was nothing again, put everyones needs, thoughts and desires above mine and the end was he just decided he did not want to be with me (I cut off the physical when I realized I was making love alone) he just did not call me..... I did the same thing, did not call him or bug him, told him I completely understood. In May when he asked for another chance and 24 hours later told me he has never loved anyone but his ex wife... I wished them all the best and ended it very nice and asked him not to contact me again..... then CHANGED MY NUMBER.

OK I have not talked to him since, 2 weeks ago he shows up to my home group meeting.... I kept myself proud, walked in smiling and enjoyed the meeting... he did not try to talk to me. WELL... during all of this I have remained friends with his parents (we go to the same church) and most of it is initiated by his step-mom... also a friend I met though him and I have become close... he is going through a divorce and we hang out alot. Now this friend asked him 2 months ago if there was a problem with us being friends and he could care less.

Last week he calls the friend and went to see him. He said he hates me and wants nothing to do with me, except slap me. He said that he hates that I hang out with his Mom (have not hung out in over 2 months and then at bible study) and that if he is going to be friends with me .... that he will cut his friendship with him.

Now let me explain that when I was with my ex.... he was only close to whoever was convient at the time... he is a fair weather friend/son.... and nobody I know seems to care if he makes these choices cuz he was not that big a part of their lives... they shrug it off.

WHERE DID THIS HATE FOR ME COME FROM. Im ticked that he feels this way when he is the one that lied, cheated and reaked havoc he is the one that has a rep as being at AA to pick up on women why the hate and anger at me. I dont deserve this and its ticking me off.

Sorry this is so long .... Venting

minnie

(((Cynay)))

Why did the friend pass on that information? Seems unfair to me.

As to the ex, well, who knows what goes on in their minds? If I were to hazard a guess, it would be that you know more about his problems that anyone else and he doesn't like anyone having that kind of power over him.

Don't forget, unrecovering As don't usually show any empathy for others. It's all about them. Does it really matter what he thinks?

How are you going to deal with this?

CatsTail

Cynay,

First of all, Does it really matter that he hates you? Be grateful he does.

Second: He doesn't really hate you, he is jealous that you have found a new man and it's his way of having the last word.

He is also, by telling his friend if he continues to be friends with you he will cut the friendship he is hoping the friend will not see you anymore.

He is still trying to control and manipulate YOUR life.

He showed up at your home group because he wants to get back with you and he figures by backing off the other guy he'll be able to do that.

Anyways most important is that you don't get back with him and don't let the obvious wacko rent space in your head.

Ngaire

Cynay

I think the friend told me cuz he and I are pretty close... I have told him we need to stay friends cuz Im not ready for anything else... but he feels that ex-abf actions weird and wanted me aware of them... plus he worries that Im hanging on to some hope that my ex-abf (having been sober (maybe) almost a year and suppose to be working a program) I have told him its better for me to know the truths... and pushed him to tell me.

I dont get where he gets off thinking he is soooo important that he can dictate who others will see, and assume that Im so unimportant that they would drop our friendship on his say so... Yep your right its all about him. You are probably right he does not like that I know his issues... but if he is working his program what difference does it make. I have no power over him, and does he honestly think that is all I have to talk about is him?

Im not going to do anything, I felt good about how I handled it. I just said this is not my issue. It is his issue and if anyone decides not to be friends with me because of it, I would understand and respect their decision... *shrugs* not much I can do about it, everyone is intitaled to there own opinion.

Why it bothers me so much??? Its just more of what is unfair.... I remember the stories of what his ex did to him, you name it she did it too.... and he can be her friend and say nice things about her but talk about me like that. Just hurts my feelings and makes me wonder why I try so hard to be "nice" about things... its the injustice thing

Im not going to do anything.... Im going to keep doing what I have been, keep going to al-anon and my home group, keep recovering, keep enjoying a wonderful friendship with this guy, and keep praying for my ex-abf (cuz my sponsor makes me *grins*)...

Guess I needed to just vent, I try not to crawl into their minds ... but this one bugged me.

elizabeth1979

"If I were to hazard a guess, it would be that you know more about his problems that anyone else and he doesn't like anyone having that kind of power over him"

I really could not agree more. I think that has some validity!

minnie

(((hon)) my post came out a bit harsh, I'm sorry. Don't mean to interrogate when I know you just wanted to let it out!!

You're handling it just fine. I know how unfair these things are - I have been struggling with those kind of issues myself. Let him go on his power trip - anyone who goes along with it is as sick as he is. Just don't let him steal your power from a distance.

Working his programme? Yeah, right.

Cynay

You did not come off harsh hon... all good questions and this happened a week ago, I have been waiting thinking any emotion would be a reaction instead of action... but its still bugging me.

I have asked myself if maybe this is a sign that he is reconsidering me.... but even if that is true it would only be cuz he is running out of other suckers, I mean women.

I have wondered if my reactions is my just being a codie and worried what others will think of me, alot of the people he knows come to my home group, though part of it is an AA meeting and I just listen and dont talk in there... could be, I care what people think about me.

Does he think people cant make up their own minds about what they think of him? Hell it was his family that told me what a lier/manuplator anyway. I dont sit and talk about him, yes he has come up and I wont lie about what I know is true... but I dont dig.

It just frustrates me, What could I possibily have done to warrent this one...

Yep I do know all about his negative... but so does everyone else and not because of me... because of how he has treated people over the last 20 years.

Minx1969

Why are you taking this personally? (Geez..starting to sound like my own sponsor!)..

You did not do anything wrong..if you did you will deal with it as you work the steps..but in my view it's his problem..don't make it yours..

He's a sick man. he's not working his recovery..

If I see him at the Friday meeting I'll run him over for you.. (just kidding folks)..

Cynay

Thank you... but if you do make sure not to use your new car... he is not worth the damage it would cause.

I dont know... I guess it is something I will work out in my recovery why Im taking it personally but for some reason it hurts my feelings.

I know he is sick, I know he is not working his recovery, I know he is toxic for me and honestly at this point I dont think I would even want to be with him.....but

I dont think he wants me back, at the best he just knows if something happens with myself and his friend it will only close a door on him. His history is to go back and hit on his ex's again which he has tried with a few since I have been out of his life. I know he probably just came to my meeting to confront me on the "closeness" of my relationship with our mutual friend and lost his nerve... *shurgs* guess it makes me wonder what the point in being "nice and polite" is cuz Im not even respected for that. I dont think that has happened to me before.

Minx1969

You were nice and polite for you..not him..

because you took the right action..and won't have to make amends or get your sponsor to bail you out of jail..like mine would if I ran your ex over with my car..ha ha..

Cynay

*laughs*

Dont call your sponsor, we can tell her later, I will come bail you out of jail.

Your right... that should have been for me, though at the time I did it I think it was more for selfish reasons. I did not want to give him a reason to not ever approach me again... it was not over for me then. Still ticks me off

reader

Way before I met my husband I lived with a guy for about 3 years. He was verbally abusive but I was young and madly in love. Things went sour and we broke up. After the first few weeks, I broke ties with everyone "we" knew. I was close to his mother I stopped going to see her. I avoided his friends. They would drop hints about him. It hurt!
Its hard to move on if your visiting with his family and mutual friends. Years later I see his Mom and we chat. At the time she was too big a reminder of him and hearing about him through friends kept things raw. You may need to make a clean break at least in the beginning!!! Kerry

Cynay

Yea I thought of that in the begining. We initially broke up last December.

This is the thought process that brought me to the decisions I did. I dont "hang" out with his family. His Step-Mom and Sister (and family) attend the same church my daughter and I do, in fact she use to pick up my daughter for bible study, long before the breakup... and they have a good relationship. They have been thoguht this many times before and were VERY supportive of us emotionally when it orginally happened. I go out to dinner with her every couple months and see them at Church/Bible Study. To break contact would mean giving up a church my daughter and I both love.... wont do that since I need it as much as my daughter. He has attended this church maybe 2 times in the last year he and I were together. She does not "hint" about him, and we rarely talk about him at all. I will not give up such a special person because of his problems.

The friend I refer too is recently divorced.... during the last year of my ex-abf and my relationship he talked to this friend rarely.... his wife hates my ex and would not tolerate his being around..... SO even though they were friends it was not on a constant basis.... and again, this person is VERY special and I will not break that tie too.

I cant help if the people that are in my home group are also people he knows because they attend some of the same meetings... but again, I dont go where I know he will be and if he chooses to come to the meeting he knows I attend, then I will deal with it because once again these are special people and its MY home group... he will not run me out of the place I find peace.

I guess the bottom line is .... These are his problems.... not mine to deal with. If I feel hurt or uncomfortable then I ask them not to talk to me about him.... but if I have to walk through the fire to get to the otherside then that is what I have to do. I honestly feel that though I have many friends.... God does not send too many "special" friends into my life... and I will not choose to turn away from that gift.

Does that make sense? Yes sometimes it hurts, but it would hurt more not to have them in my life... so I will find a way to work through it because they are worth it.

velma929

Your ex isn't reacting to you, it sounds like he's just reacting.

Ask your mutual friends to please stop passing along his comments. It's hard, but it's a skill everyone can learn, to only pass on "news you can use." What good does it do you to hear your ex is ending his contact with a mutual friend because he still sees you...or is the friend just trying to get out of making the decision for himself? I don't mean to imply there is manipulative intentions in every interaction...just that there should be more thought given to what info is passed on. If you can't do anything about it, and you can't, why should you hear it in the first place? Your friend can vent with some one else who isn't involved, (or minister or shrink) if he wants to sort through his relationship with your ex, or you.

CatsTail

He may in a program but he certainly isn't working it or recovering.

Cynay, you have the tools to rise above that nonsense.

It's not about you, IT'S ALL ABOUT HIM.

Ngaire

Cap3

Hi Cyna,my sponsor God luv her,always says that i am the problem.Rats!Why can't it be others,just once in a while..lol.Maybe a good thing though,come to think about it because if i am the problem i can work on solutions,for myself.I can so relate when you say whats the point in being nice and polite when your not even respected for this.Felt the same way myself many times.Until i relized that i was the one who could sleep really good at nite.Can live with myself,without regrets.Gives me freedom!!!.Recovery!!!Never know really what folks are thinking.They could very well respect you and just not say this to you.Your being an example of recovery and how the program works.Gives others in program hope,for themselves.I speak only about myself when i say that i use to look for approval from others.When i didnt get it,or some good feed back i was crushed.Its nice that folks say something good about me.Validate,acknowledge.But it was a "need" that i had,and needed to work on this.Because i was hurting myself,over and over again,about,making myself sick,about how others behaved,and thought.I had no self-love,no self-esteem,back then.What others think about me today is none of my business.This gives me freedom to be who i am.To be spiritually fit,i can be with anyone.For me today there are 2 people who i cannot be with,at this point.Progress,never perfection.smile..My sponsor started having me to be helpful to another,and say nothing about it.This helped me get out of a need that was not met by others..Life on lifes terms is rarely fair,.Read somewhere that ,birds eat worms.How fair this this to da worm?...lol...Life!!Lucky to get it somethimes,fairness.If life were to be fair,then everyones wants would have to be met.Impossible.To met everyones wants,someones toes would have to be steped on at some point.So,acceptance is da key.The alocholic runs on....fear,,until they are learning recovery,a new way to live.This takes time.
Cyna you know the truth.embrace truth.Others just have their own opinions.They do not know.truth has a habbit of comming out.Even when i don't say anything.You are a powerful example of recovery.Although its not about others,here,know that others are noticing,recovery in you.And will see your friend,here, as he is,just sour grapes....lol
Keep on keeping on.Thanks for letting me share,my own experiences,ans opinions here,
God Bless,and take care!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

cwohio

the more you talked this thru the better you sounded! keep up the great recovery work cynay!

dax

He is probaly angry with you because he sees you have moved on, have new friends and he is no longer your center of interest. Everytime he tries to get back with you, he is just trying to manipulate you- get some control back. When he does this, remember all the awful cruel things he has done. You do not need this man in your life in any way. He is poison. Stay in your church and home group and if he speaks to you, walk away. I would not be able to handle seeing him, but you seem a very strong independent person. I can see why you would want to keep your support groups. Hugs to a brave person!!!!!!! dax

Cynay

Thanks guys.... I SO needed to hear all you have to say! I dont know that Im very brave... maybe just stuborn. I do know that Im not willing to give up anything that I have worked so hard to obtain over the last 8 months. Especially things that bring me peace.

I dont think he wants me back, in fact he has said he hates me and would like to slap me. I have to work on the part about not taking it personal and not being a people pleaser. hurmm sounds like there is a lesson in all this.

I know this sounds weird, but sometimes I want to know the hurtful things he is doing or saying.... it reminds me of why Im recovering and why he is toxic to me, it does not give me the space to only think of the good things and miss him so much. Weird huh? When I hear that he chases everything in a skirt at AA it hurts... but it reminds me that even though he has been sober almost a year, he is still in the A mentality and nothing has changed, it gives understanding to the term "dry drunk" and I know that it will be YEARS (maybe never) before he really gets it and works his program and gets "healthy" It keeps me from getting too relaxed in my recovery.

Boy maybe Im sicker then I thought.... but one thing I do know is THANK YOU ALL... SR is a God Sent.