what would you do?

Old 08-09-2005, 06:37 PM
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what would you do?

so i asked my daughter today (she's almost 11) how she was feeling about her dad. she said she didn't know. i asked her if she was mad at him, since she is very ambivalent about calling her dad. she said yes she was.

i tried to let her know that it is ok to feel how she feels, and suggested she write in her diary how she feels-no matter what - and it will help her sort out her feelings about this. i told her i didn't know if it would be ok or not to call him and tell him that she was mad at him. but i reassured her that he loved her with all his heart and she could still talk to him- he would probably listen. but not that anything she says will actually change him or this situation.

i don't know if i should just let it be until they decide what they do, or if i should call him and let him know that she IS mad at him and that is why she won't call him. this is kind of tricky for i don't know if it's a "behavior" of the "not speaking to him because i am mad, and expect him to read my mind" or if it is the anger from her grieving process.

he has allready accused me of keeping the kids from him and brainwashing them to not want to do anything with him. (it's been less than 2 months since he has been gone)
any suggestions about this one? thanks.
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Old 08-09-2005, 07:11 PM
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Well if you and I arent in the SAME boat!

Good for you for encouraging her to share her feelings, especially keeping a journal! Great way to get her feelings out.

My son, 13, is now becoming angry at his A fathers behavior. I and his therapist encourage him to say how he feels, to me and his father. He hasnt been able to confront his father yet, but he is getting to that point. It takes courage to do that.Kids are very reluctant to be upfront about their negative feelings to the person who has hurt them.

One thing Im learning is that I must let him have his own relationship with his father and I need to butt out and not fight his battles for him. I do not speak to his father about our son's feelings of him. Basically its not my business to do that, just as its not my business to tell one friend that another is upset with them.

My ex constantly accuses me of brain washing him agaisnt his father. I just let those accusations fall into the wind. I know the truth and thats enough for me. Its the disease talking.

Keeping on reassuring her that her dad does love her,,,whether you think its true or not. That helps her to know that she is wanted and loved eventho he prob cant show it now.

I have come to accept that I am the only dependable and consistent parent he has, for today anyway, and that brings me more comfort for him that you can imagine.

You keep building a good relationship of trust and love with her and she will blossom.

Good for you!
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Old 08-09-2005, 07:52 PM
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My daughter is 12 and son will be 6 in a few days. Daughter says she is mad and hurt. I told her dad about this and he has not changed. Son says dad does not love us, I told him and he did nothing. Son says he does not think he is related to dad. Dad says he is sorry all this is going on, but he is at the bar as I write this. Only thing is my kids seem fine. They are happy and busy, but my husband is still here and I guess I will put up with this at least until they get older. Even though he is at the bar all the time and all the other stuff, there is only one thing that will force me to leave and that is cheating. It will be a done deal then.
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Old 08-10-2005, 04:57 AM
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Hi,

Maybe Ala-teen would help her.

Ngaire
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Old 08-10-2005, 07:12 AM
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Originally Posted by escape artist
he has allready accused me of keeping the kids from him and brainwashing them to not want to do anything with him.
For whatever it is worth, my A/H says this to me......and our kids are 17 and 23!!! Excuse me?! He just doesn't want to hear the truth from them, either.


I am so sorry.................it is so hard, I know. Sending you a hug and prayers.
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Old 08-10-2005, 07:25 AM
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Originally Posted by FriendofBill


One thing Im learning is that I must let him have his own relationship with his father and I need to butt out and not fight his battles for him. I do not speak to his father about our son's feelings of him. Basically its not my business to do that, just as its not my business to tell one friend that another is upset with them.

My ex constantly accuses me of brain washing him agaisnt his father. I just let those accusations fall into the wind. I know the truth and thats enough for me. Its the disease talking.

Good advice, I think........that is what I TRY to do...in fact, I try to leave the room when he is on the phone with either of themso I am not tempted to get "sucked into" the drama.

I do encourage them to return his call, but do not force it (they are old enough); will mention (if it is a big problem) when I speak to him, that there may be a problem he would like to discuss with _______ if he hasn't already, and always remind them that he DOES love them, even though he just can not show it; he is very sick right now. His actions may be wrong, and unacceptable but he is not well.

It brings a whole other layer of pain to the disease when children are involved (regardless of their age) doesn't it? I hate it....fior what it's worth!
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Old 08-10-2005, 07:32 AM
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One of my sons, at the time he was 18. Six foot, 4 at over 250 lbs. He never said a word. His looks alone told me the whole story of his feelings. I remember leaving from a visit that day with a feeling I lost my children and if this son had lost his temper at that moment, I would have maybe lost my life.

Just keep doing the right things. Don't speak ill of him. Encourage them to keep contact but don't push them. If they want, they will contact him. Answer any questions with truth. Don't try to cover up for him. Why did this happen? Because of an illness. Alcohol can cause a disease called alcoholism. As questions arise, try to help them understand... it isn't, wasn't, their fault. A disease that only he can seek the cure for has brought this about. We can't fix it, only he can.
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Old 08-10-2005, 07:48 AM
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I think writing a letter weather it is sent or not. By saying something to his face it opens the door for him to say something negative back. Its also easier to get thoughts in order. Sometimes its just as healing to write a letter and not to send it. Its always best to try to be positive about the other parent!! Kerry
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Old 08-10-2005, 07:56 AM
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Good post Best...

Yes...
I was also very careful about not entering the relationship between my daughter and her dad.... and I tried really hard not to bad mouth him .... and I think I did mostly okay..

We need to help children to understand that it is a three fold disease that is the root of the problems... and not that their parent is evil... or doesn't love them...


Children need the truth first and formost to break the cycle of codependancy...

The last thing they need is to be dragged too and fro by their parents character defects that are already a dynamic and in place...

Stay watchful... and one can be there to dry the tears... and listen...
.. but.. reality and truth should be the order of the day...
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