justired

I just hate this disease. AH didn’t drink for almost two weeks and things were going really well then, boom, yesterday he starts back up and was at it all day today. I figured the sobriety wouldn’t last too long, but I just feel so sick when this happens. I just can’t stand him when he is drinking. He acts like a total idiot. He is so different when he is sober (aren’t they all?). It is like a sick joke when he is sober for a few days because I get a glimpse of how things could be and then get slapped in the face again when he starts back up. I am realistic and know the chances of him actually abstaining for very long are slim to none, but it just is sickening when he does this. I know I didn’t cause, can’t control or cure it and it is not him, it is the disease. I just can’t stand to even talk to him or look at him when he is like this. I’m working really hard at not saying anything to him about it cause I know it doesn’t do a bit of good and just creates more stress for me, but I just want to hit him in the head with a board and knock some sense into him. He’s already lost a good job because of it and has been in trouble with the law countless times all due to drinking. It all just seems so pointless to keep going on in this sham of a marriage. He really seems to want to stop and talks about how good he feels and how he won’t do it again every time he stops for a few days, but he always goes back to it. I’m working really hard on myself to learn to deal with him when he is drinking and making baby steps. I’m not freaking out and yelling at him and making threats or ultimatums anymore. I don’t lose sleep over it like I used to either. I just feel so stressed out all the time cause I’m keeping it all inside. I work all day and have four kids to take care of and my 87 year old grandma lives with us, too. It was such a mistake to let her move in with us cause it has just added to my stress. She is really negative. She is really nosy about our business and tells her friends and our other family members everything we do. She tells them things all the time that aren’t even right. I don’t talk to her much cause I just can’t stand to have my business aired to everybody so she complains that I don’t give her enough attention. She is always speaking negatively to our kids. My three year old drew a picture and she totally dissed it and told him it didn’t look like anything. She contributes zero $ to the household and doesn’t even pick up her dog’s crap in the yard. My AH and I both work full time, but we are expected to be sure she is fed dinner every night. She doesn’t do crap, but comes in and sits down at the dinner table waiting to be served. She expects us to run our household the way she wants us to run it. So here we are taking care of this ungrateful old lady when she has two retired sons living in really nice houses with nothing else to do yet we have to take care of her. She is so ungrateful. She has the biggest bedroom in the house with a walk-in closet and nice bathroom. She has her crappy pictures hanging all over my house and her crappy old kitchen junk in my kitchen. Last Christmas I came home from work and she had put all her decorations on my Christmas tree. My four kids are crammed into two small bedrooms and share one bathroom. We suggested putting an addition on the house for her, but she won’t help pay for it and is complaining we are trying to put her out of the house (well ya, duh) We have to make sure she gets to the doctor, gets her prescriptions filled, gets fed, etc. Plus we have to put up with her awful behavior and attitude. She says she doesn’t want to bother her sons because they are busy, WTF? They are retired and have no kids at home. If we don’t act the way she wants or if we don’t do the things she wants us to do she calls my dad and complains. Then he calls me and tells me I better shape up and make her happy. She is constantly threatening to move into an assisted living facility, but then backs down saying she can’t afford it. She has plenty of money, but acts like she is broke. Besides that my dad is a millionaire and can help her pay for it, but he is so cheap he keeps encouraging her to stay with us. They just don’t want her with them cause they know she is a pain and their wives will not put up with her. My AH is also a co-dependent and every time she says she wants to move out, he kisses her behind and tells her how much we want her there - total liar cause he can’t stand it either and complains to me how hard it is for him to deal with her. Ugh, I don’t know how much more I can take. The only thing that keeps me going is my kids and my great job. My dad and uncle have been saying for months they are going to start taking her too, but it hasn’t happened yet. My dad is supposed to take her for a few weeks the end of this month, but said it is on a trial basis to see how it works out, HUH?? This is your mother dude. If I went home tonight and my AH and granny had moved out........ : ) I know I am resentful and just complaining, but I need to get this stuff out once in a while. I've been to many al anon meetings, but it is nearly impossible to find the time to go lately. Thanks.

cloudy

oh man, that SUCKS!
get it out, get it all out - you can vent here any time you want!
heck i know i would, that is a lot to deal with there. it's ok to "complain" about it! you are doing a healthy vent and one that surely is understandable. i love your sentence where you wrote that if you came home and they both had moved out...then the smiley lol
((giant hug)) hang in there!

oh and get some face to face support by going to alanon again if you can it can help with allll the stuff, maybe if you can try to go early or stay after you can talk with someone about it there too. and definitely you can talk about it here any time

luvmyfurbabies

You are really under a lot of undeserved stress. I really feel for you. You need to get grandma out of your house. It's hard enough for you to deal with everything else but to have an ungrateful person try to run your house is too much especially when there are alternatives. I know that we should respect the elderly but you could respect her much better if she lived somewhere else. My mother lives in a mother-in-law apartment attached to our garage and sometimes she still tries to run my life. I don't let her. I listen to what she has to say and then tell her "you know I'm going to do what I want anyway". Now, I have the utmost respect for my mother. She sacrificed a lot raising me as a single mom but I have to do what I feel is best for me and I think she understands that but still has to have her say in order to feel she has some control left in her life. Good luck!!!!

reader

In my opinion you don't need a "negative" influence in the house right now. With 2 people working fulltime and 4 kids. Your hands a too full. I would talk to other family members about sharing the load. I knew of a elderly lady who was brought to a nursing home kicking and screaming. Within a few weeks she was thriving with all the attention and activities. No one can keep up with your pace for the longterm!!! Kerry

justired

Thank all of you for your responses. It know it is really detrimental to my husband's recovery to have her in our home. His drinking actually increased a lot since she moved in with us and our (my AH and I) relationship has deteriorated considerably. This situation is also taking away from my joy in caring for my kids (14, 13, 3, and 5 months). I'm getting very resentful towards my family members and my granny and feel bad that I have a negative feeling about my granny cause I love her and know she won't be around that much longer. We have strongly encouraged my dad and uncle to help out with her care. We've also made it very clear how busy we are and that we just can't take care of grandma like she wants to be cared for. We all (me, AH, dad, uncle, and granny) sat down last April and discussed how difficult this is and they said they would start taking her more. They have yet to take her. I know I should insist they have her stay with them more, but for some reason it is difficult for me to do it. I keep going over it in my head trying to figure out why I can't just stand up to them. Something has to give soon cause she is getting more difficult to deal with and I'm going to end up in the nut house before long.

cloudy

I imagine a retirement community has already been discussed? Probably has I figure, but just in case, just throwing it out there. She'd have friends there and care, all that. And could be visited. Not a "nursing home" persay, but a retirement place. I don't know. They are expensive but if it's an option heck it might be nice for her you know?

Cynay

All I can say is WOW

I have to agree with cloudy on this one, as hard as it will be, you have to put your foot down. I dont know how you do it with the kids and AH.... let alone the G-mom. GOOOD HEAVENS!

Have you thought of just packing her up and driving her over to her Sons house, knocking on the door and saying OK YOUR TURN FOR A WEEK???? then with a swift kick in his bums leaving?

People will continue to take advantage of you as long as you let them. I think asking is long gone, maybe some demands need to happen. You have my utmost respect!