I am I stupid, crazy, or both?!??!?!
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: The Lone Star State
Posts: 4
I am I stupid, crazy, or both?!??!?!
This is the first time I've written a post. I am so frustrated, and can't go to a meeting until Thursday (no babysitting til then). So, if any of you can provide clarity, I would be very appreciative. I went through the steps over the past two years, but haven't been to a meeting in 6 months.
So, I won't bore you with the string of trouble that my AH has gotten himself into in the past 10 years of marriage. Two years ago, we did an intervention. He signed a contract, and started going to meetings. Since then, he goes a few months, then drinks, and then starts going to meetings. Then a few months later he'll have a major screw-up, be remorseful, kick himself, act REALLY REALLY REALLY sorry (whatever) and start going to meetings again, then slowly dwindle off.
He doesn't drink around me (a boundry I created even before the intervention), and for the most part he doesn't drink. However, he travels and like I said every few months he falls completely off the wagon. He has been honest with me, and doesn't try to hide it. The biggest problem is that he's the alcholic that the BB warns about - successful, smart, and talented. So, somewhere in his prideful mind he's got the idea that he's on top of the situation. Apparently he hasn't hit his bottom, but I don't know what else has to happen in order for him to understand that he doens't have it under control.
He got so drunk (on a business trip) Wednesday that he showed up at the wrong hotel. I thought he was having an affair, because he never called me until the next morning---from a different hotel, a mile away from his hotel!!!! He said that he'd seen a stabbing, and that they moved him to a new hotel. I knew he was lying, which isn't like him. Usually he takes accountability at least! One call to the hotel, no stabbing there. Another call to the police department, no stabbing at the hotel.
I had to know if he cheated, so I called hotel #2 to see if they had security cameras. I lied and told the security guard that I thought someone had taken something out of my room. After telling her the name the room was registered under, she said that she knew I hadn't been there, because she'd basically carried my drunk husband in from the lobby-alone! He was at the wrong Marriott, left his car running in the car port.....okay you get the point, but at least I know he wasn't cheating. She even said that she went in to check on him at 3am and that he was by himself. I truly believe that was a gift to me, because I don't think I could've even thought about working things out had he cheated.
Anyway, I realize the reason he lied the next day, and made up the ridiculous story is that he was still drunk. This is getting long, I know, I'm very sorry.
So, I don't know if I should kick him out? He says he'll respect whatever I want. He's going to meetings, and says that this time it's different, because before he was doing it for me (because of my demands from the intervention). Do I stay with him until he stops going to meetings in a few weeks (what usually happens)? He says that when I make stipulations on his recovery that I am forcing him to do things for me, and putting him in a box, which is what has made him resent me in the past. Isn't THAT ironic? HIM resenting me....let it go....let it go. Okay. I just want to do what's right, but I don't know what that is. I've got advice from friends and family. Leave him- you are crazy if you don't. Stay- he's trying, and you have 3 children. Kick him out....... on and on and on, but none of these people know recovery.
Thanks for taking the time to read!! Blessings to you for caring!
Stuck,
MissElaineous
So, I won't bore you with the string of trouble that my AH has gotten himself into in the past 10 years of marriage. Two years ago, we did an intervention. He signed a contract, and started going to meetings. Since then, he goes a few months, then drinks, and then starts going to meetings. Then a few months later he'll have a major screw-up, be remorseful, kick himself, act REALLY REALLY REALLY sorry (whatever) and start going to meetings again, then slowly dwindle off.
He doesn't drink around me (a boundry I created even before the intervention), and for the most part he doesn't drink. However, he travels and like I said every few months he falls completely off the wagon. He has been honest with me, and doesn't try to hide it. The biggest problem is that he's the alcholic that the BB warns about - successful, smart, and talented. So, somewhere in his prideful mind he's got the idea that he's on top of the situation. Apparently he hasn't hit his bottom, but I don't know what else has to happen in order for him to understand that he doens't have it under control.
He got so drunk (on a business trip) Wednesday that he showed up at the wrong hotel. I thought he was having an affair, because he never called me until the next morning---from a different hotel, a mile away from his hotel!!!! He said that he'd seen a stabbing, and that they moved him to a new hotel. I knew he was lying, which isn't like him. Usually he takes accountability at least! One call to the hotel, no stabbing there. Another call to the police department, no stabbing at the hotel.
I had to know if he cheated, so I called hotel #2 to see if they had security cameras. I lied and told the security guard that I thought someone had taken something out of my room. After telling her the name the room was registered under, she said that she knew I hadn't been there, because she'd basically carried my drunk husband in from the lobby-alone! He was at the wrong Marriott, left his car running in the car port.....okay you get the point, but at least I know he wasn't cheating. She even said that she went in to check on him at 3am and that he was by himself. I truly believe that was a gift to me, because I don't think I could've even thought about working things out had he cheated.
Anyway, I realize the reason he lied the next day, and made up the ridiculous story is that he was still drunk. This is getting long, I know, I'm very sorry.
So, I don't know if I should kick him out? He says he'll respect whatever I want. He's going to meetings, and says that this time it's different, because before he was doing it for me (because of my demands from the intervention). Do I stay with him until he stops going to meetings in a few weeks (what usually happens)? He says that when I make stipulations on his recovery that I am forcing him to do things for me, and putting him in a box, which is what has made him resent me in the past. Isn't THAT ironic? HIM resenting me....let it go....let it go. Okay. I just want to do what's right, but I don't know what that is. I've got advice from friends and family. Leave him- you are crazy if you don't. Stay- he's trying, and you have 3 children. Kick him out....... on and on and on, but none of these people know recovery.
Thanks for taking the time to read!! Blessings to you for caring!
Stuck,
MissElaineous
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: over the rainbow
Posts: 487
before you do anything i would suggest you get your hands on 2 books which may have affected how my situation turned out. they are called "GEtting Them Sober -volume one" and Getting THem Sober-Volume 4- about separations" this woman knows what she is talking about and definitely will help you with your decision making process. she also pointed out -and this is what i wish i had known before we split- that following advice from others and then separating allows "the alcoholic to further abandon his family" since he will be unburdened of even more of the family responsibilities...and this is very true. do your steps, detach, and get the books! if you have lived in this this long, you can give it one more day to work on yourself and things may work out for the better. good luck and keep posting.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: The Lone Star State
Posts: 4
Do you know the author?
Catherine,
Are these Al-anon books, or do you have the author? Thank you for reading. I feel so lonely and helpless. I guess I've hit my bottom, probably a good thing - it will prompt me to get my butt to a meeting.
Blessings,
MissElaineous
Are these Al-anon books, or do you have the author? Thank you for reading. I feel so lonely and helpless. I guess I've hit my bottom, probably a good thing - it will prompt me to get my butt to a meeting.
Blessings,
MissElaineous
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: over the rainbow
Posts: 487
Originally Posted by MissElaineous
Catherine,
Are these Al-anon books, or do you have the author? Thank you for reading. I feel so lonely and helpless. I guess I've hit my bottom, probably a good thing - it will prompt me to get my butt to a meeting.
Blessings,
MissElaineous
Are these Al-anon books, or do you have the author? Thank you for reading. I feel so lonely and helpless. I guess I've hit my bottom, probably a good thing - it will prompt me to get my butt to a meeting.
Blessings,
MissElaineous
and here's a big (((((((((hug)))))))))) for you!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 727
Hey MissElaineous,welcome.Totally understand where you are coming from.If your hub is going to AA does he have The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous?If so,please read To Wives,in it page 111,may be helpful to you.Here is some of it,
It is possible to have a full and useful life,though your husband continues to drink.Do not set your heart on reforming your husband.
You should never tell him what he must do about his drinking.If he gets the idea that you are a nag or kiljoy,your chance of accomplishing anything useful may be zero.He will tell you he is misunderstood.
Try to have him bring up the subject himself.Be sure you are not critical during such discussion.Let him see that you want to be helpful rather than critical.
Yea its surprising that alcoholics can be resentful towards the non-alcoholic,until we look at our own part in all the "stuff".Where my own sick thinking made a bad situation even bigger and worse that it was to start out with.But its ok,because there is a great program to help me with,this, my recovery,in,Al-anon.I didn't know better unil i learned a new way to live.Progress never perfection.Whether he drinks or not.
Others always have their own experiences,and opinions.Its great to share,with others.Suggestions,what has worked for them.What works for one person,may cause great hurt and sorrow for another.,and just not work out for them.And sometimes it does work out.Bottom line,really is let no one tell me what is right for me.,although some will,,lol..No one knows.,this.How God will work in my life.Decisions in my life are between God and me,in the end.As you are living in recovery,and having a closer relationship with God,you will eventually know which direction to take.The recovery programs,help me to get healthier,to make these decisions in my life.If another,in program is not guideing me in the steps,but telling me what i should do with my life,,i usually head for da hills.lol
You are no longer all alone,
God Bless,and take care!!!!!!!
It is possible to have a full and useful life,though your husband continues to drink.Do not set your heart on reforming your husband.
You should never tell him what he must do about his drinking.If he gets the idea that you are a nag or kiljoy,your chance of accomplishing anything useful may be zero.He will tell you he is misunderstood.
Try to have him bring up the subject himself.Be sure you are not critical during such discussion.Let him see that you want to be helpful rather than critical.
Yea its surprising that alcoholics can be resentful towards the non-alcoholic,until we look at our own part in all the "stuff".Where my own sick thinking made a bad situation even bigger and worse that it was to start out with.But its ok,because there is a great program to help me with,this, my recovery,in,Al-anon.I didn't know better unil i learned a new way to live.Progress never perfection.Whether he drinks or not.
Others always have their own experiences,and opinions.Its great to share,with others.Suggestions,what has worked for them.What works for one person,may cause great hurt and sorrow for another.,and just not work out for them.And sometimes it does work out.Bottom line,really is let no one tell me what is right for me.,although some will,,lol..No one knows.,this.How God will work in my life.Decisions in my life are between God and me,in the end.As you are living in recovery,and having a closer relationship with God,you will eventually know which direction to take.The recovery programs,help me to get healthier,to make these decisions in my life.If another,in program is not guideing me in the steps,but telling me what i should do with my life,,i usually head for da hills.lol
You are no longer all alone,
God Bless,and take care!!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
escape - thanks for the book tips - i am SERIOUSLY contemplating separation from my AH so i can definitely stand to read this.
are they talking about family as in with more than husband & wife? i'm confused!
that following advice from others and then separating allows "the alcoholic to further abandon his family" since he will be unburdened of even more of the family responsibilities
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: over the rainbow
Posts: 487
Originally Posted by cwohio
escape - thanks for the book tips - i am SERIOUSLY contemplating separation from my AH so i can definitely stand to read this.
are they talking about family as in with more than husband & wife? i'm confused!
are they talking about family as in with more than husband & wife? i'm confused!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Originally Posted by escape artist
before you do anything i would suggest you get your hands on 2 books which may have affected how my situation turned out. they are called "GEtting Them Sober -volume one" and Getting THem Sober-Volume 4- about separations" this woman knows what she is talking about and definitely will help you with your decision making process. she also pointed out -and this is what i wish i had known before we split- that following advice from others and then separating allows "the alcoholic to further abandon his family" since he will be unburdened of even more of the family responsibilities...and this is very true. do your steps, detach, and get the books! if you have lived in this this long, you can give it one more day to work on yourself and things may work out for the better. good luck and keep posting.
I totally agree..........EXCELLENT advice . This author (Toby Rice Drews) also has a website/forum where she moderates and information how you can contact her directly for advice /phone counselling session/s.....etc, You can find out all about it on her great website: http://www.GettingThemSober.com.
Please check that site.....wonderful!
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
escape - i just am confused that separation allows them to be more unburdened - i guess it would depend on the circumstances. some A's are still functional and interface in the family so i can see that. i guess in my case i don't see that as true - if/when i leave, he will have the burden of fending for himself totally - sink or swim.
misselainous - sorry to hijack your thread!
misselainous - sorry to hijack your thread!
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 782
Hi Miss E...another Texas Girl! I too struggle with the stay or go issues. When I first came here, someone told me that I didn't have to decide that now. They suggested I read and learn as much as possible. I also just read a post earlier that said something like, "You can be married one day at a time. You can always change your mind tomorrow." I liked that.
I too struggle with the stay or go issues. When I first came here, someone told me that I didn't have to decide that now. They suggested I read and learn as much as possible. I also just read a post earlier that said something like, "You can be married one day at a time. You can always change your mind tomorrow." I liked that.
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: The Lone Star State
Posts: 4
Because he did...
He stopped, so I stopped. Really a bad idea. This is going to sound pathetic, but I don't WANT this set of problems. I don't want to go to a stupid meeting on Thursday night, and drag all three of my kids out until well after bedtime. I'd rather be taking a painting class. Woe is me!!!
The meeting on Thursday is actually a class on the Big Book. It's not a group discussion, and I get so much out of it. There are AA's, NA's, and so on. Sometimes it helps to hear their perspective.
Thanks for all the concern!
A hundred hugs,
MissElaineous
The meeting on Thursday is actually a class on the Big Book. It's not a group discussion, and I get so much out of it. There are AA's, NA's, and so on. Sometimes it helps to hear their perspective.
Thanks for all the concern!
A hundred hugs,
MissElaineous
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: DooDooville, USA
Posts: 453
Hi Miss E,
I agree with Cap that each person's journey is different then other's. I lean heavily on my faith and listen to my heart, my inner voice, about things like this.
Should you leave or should you stay? That's a decision, that after you've learned the necessities from Al-anon and from reading books on co-dependency and stepping away (detaching) from AH for awhile....you'll be able to see it for yourself.
I had people telling me mixed signals, too. (not on here....just through friends) and it was hard because what they were telling me didn't necessarily sound like a good idea.
I finally had to educate myself somewhat in Al-anon and reading Melody Beattie's books on co-dependency and reading the posts here before I could actually see what I had been doing to/for my xabf. I enabled him SO much. At the time, I didn't see it that way. I thought I was helping him to stop drinking. Got his whole family in on it and it backfired on me BIG TIME.
They all chewed me out (because of their own denial) and he sided with them and got really nasty towards me. I had the whole FAMILY breathing down my neck and it was BAD!!! Really bad. Bad enough for me to not enable an A ever again. (I can say that honestly!) I learned the hard way and now IF and when I ever hear from my xabf or his family, I just take it for what it's worth.......nothing. Same old stuff. I'm just like "MMhmm.....okay, well that sounds good. I gotta go and take care now". It ticks him OFF big time that I won't get upset or give in, but too bad!
This is MY life I'm talking about. And, he doesn't have any more power over me. That bad experience also changed the way I feel about him now. It killed my love for him. I'll always care for him, but I don't love him anymore like I did.
Hang in there! Keep posting and take care of yourself. We really do care
I agree with Cap that each person's journey is different then other's. I lean heavily on my faith and listen to my heart, my inner voice, about things like this.
Should you leave or should you stay? That's a decision, that after you've learned the necessities from Al-anon and from reading books on co-dependency and stepping away (detaching) from AH for awhile....you'll be able to see it for yourself.
I had people telling me mixed signals, too. (not on here....just through friends) and it was hard because what they were telling me didn't necessarily sound like a good idea.
I finally had to educate myself somewhat in Al-anon and reading Melody Beattie's books on co-dependency and reading the posts here before I could actually see what I had been doing to/for my xabf. I enabled him SO much. At the time, I didn't see it that way. I thought I was helping him to stop drinking. Got his whole family in on it and it backfired on me BIG TIME.
They all chewed me out (because of their own denial) and he sided with them and got really nasty towards me. I had the whole FAMILY breathing down my neck and it was BAD!!! Really bad. Bad enough for me to not enable an A ever again. (I can say that honestly!) I learned the hard way and now IF and when I ever hear from my xabf or his family, I just take it for what it's worth.......nothing. Same old stuff. I'm just like "MMhmm.....okay, well that sounds good. I gotta go and take care now". It ticks him OFF big time that I won't get upset or give in, but too bad!
This is MY life I'm talking about. And, he doesn't have any more power over me. That bad experience also changed the way I feel about him now. It killed my love for him. I'll always care for him, but I don't love him anymore like I did.
Hang in there! Keep posting and take care of yourself. We really do care
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