Struggling and feeling a little guilty.
too much on my plate!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: not kissing frogs anymore
Posts: 646
Struggling and feeling a little guilty.
I'm struggling with some things xabf said to me, regarding the way he said I treated him while we were together. Now, I know some of you may be quick to say it's the alcohol talking or the insanity of the disease, but I'm trying to come to terms with this for myself, not for him.
He says-"You ripped me off," meaning I took all of our belongings that we shared while together, ie-furniture, household items, etc. I also kept the TV and a few other items that he said I could keep right before he left. The reason I knew he said I could have them, is that I found a letter on his computer to me saying these things. But he claims I wasn't supposed to read the letter and that I was invading his privacy. This letter was printed out and I saw it sitting on the table the last day he was home, packing his things up, getting ready to leave for good. I guess after the fight we had before he left, he decided not to give me the letter, hence not wanting to give me those belongings as he was mad at that particular moment, and the letter was written the night before. This is why he says I "ripped him off." This is really bothering me, because maybe I should have returned those items....?? I don't like being called a thief...
Next he says that I alienated him from his family and friends. Of course during the relationship, I was insecure about his drinking and whenever he would go out with his friends he wouldn't come home. Shortly after a few nights of him staying out all night long, that's when he began AA, and stayed sober for 13 months. While in AA, and working the steps with his sponser, his sponser and him talked a lot about his relationship with his enabling and Co-Dependent Mom.In the course of him working one of the steps, he decided at that time to cut all ties with her, and did so for over a year. He wrote her a letter and explained the reasons why he felt the need to take some time out to take care of himself, while getting sober. She didn't take it to well.
So now he is blaming this all on me. Saying I alienated him from his Mom and other family members, when in fact he made the conscious decision to do so. When I told him it was his own decision that he made while in AA, he said "Don't ever bring up that word AA." He blames AA and me for all of this.
Another thing he brought up was the fact that I didn't pay as much of the bills as he did, as I was attending school and not working. I had my financial aid and grants and would try to pay as much as I could. He never had a problem with it back then; now I am to blame.
I realize much of this is due to denial and blame; but I'm wondering how much of this I should take responsibility for, as I know I have my own issues as well. I guess part of me does feel guilty for the way I treated him.
Thanks for reading if you have gotten this far....
He says-"You ripped me off," meaning I took all of our belongings that we shared while together, ie-furniture, household items, etc. I also kept the TV and a few other items that he said I could keep right before he left. The reason I knew he said I could have them, is that I found a letter on his computer to me saying these things. But he claims I wasn't supposed to read the letter and that I was invading his privacy. This letter was printed out and I saw it sitting on the table the last day he was home, packing his things up, getting ready to leave for good. I guess after the fight we had before he left, he decided not to give me the letter, hence not wanting to give me those belongings as he was mad at that particular moment, and the letter was written the night before. This is why he says I "ripped him off." This is really bothering me, because maybe I should have returned those items....?? I don't like being called a thief...
Next he says that I alienated him from his family and friends. Of course during the relationship, I was insecure about his drinking and whenever he would go out with his friends he wouldn't come home. Shortly after a few nights of him staying out all night long, that's when he began AA, and stayed sober for 13 months. While in AA, and working the steps with his sponser, his sponser and him talked a lot about his relationship with his enabling and Co-Dependent Mom.In the course of him working one of the steps, he decided at that time to cut all ties with her, and did so for over a year. He wrote her a letter and explained the reasons why he felt the need to take some time out to take care of himself, while getting sober. She didn't take it to well.
So now he is blaming this all on me. Saying I alienated him from his Mom and other family members, when in fact he made the conscious decision to do so. When I told him it was his own decision that he made while in AA, he said "Don't ever bring up that word AA." He blames AA and me for all of this.
Another thing he brought up was the fact that I didn't pay as much of the bills as he did, as I was attending school and not working. I had my financial aid and grants and would try to pay as much as I could. He never had a problem with it back then; now I am to blame.
I realize much of this is due to denial and blame; but I'm wondering how much of this I should take responsibility for, as I know I have my own issues as well. I guess part of me does feel guilty for the way I treated him.
Thanks for reading if you have gotten this far....
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Savanna...When he walked out he left his junk. 
You did not know how to reach him for awhile. You did return his High School crap to Mom..
As he has bragged how wealthy he now is...How Important Is It? Used household items are not valuable.
Heck...I took the bank accounts when I left. And have no guilt. Abusive men get what they sow.
Take care of YOU...perhaps it is time to start casual dating again.
You did not know how to reach him for awhile. You did return his High School crap to Mom..
As he has bragged how wealthy he now is...How Important Is It? Used household items are not valuable.
Heck...I took the bank accounts when I left. And have no guilt. Abusive men get what they sow.
Take care of YOU...perhaps it is time to start casual dating again.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
(((savana)))
You sound like a good little housekeeper to me.. I think you desevered every single item you could get and then some.
as for things you said you were probably under duress and I don't think you need to feel guilty about it.. It sounds like he wants someone to feel as bad as he does but, don't let it be you.
You sound like a good little housekeeper to me.. I think you desevered every single item you could get and then some.
as for things you said you were probably under duress and I don't think you need to feel guilty about it.. It sounds like he wants someone to feel as bad as he does but, don't let it be you.
too much on my plate!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: not kissing frogs anymore
Posts: 646
Thanks for the input!
CarolD-I'm not ready to date right now, not even casual. I'm afraid of who or what I may attract! lol!
Splendra--Thanks for the compliments. I don't understand why he is feeling so bad, like he said a few weeks ago, he has a lot of money now; funny how he is focusing on the items I have, as Carol said, you think he would be able to replace them all if that's what was bothering him.
CarolD-I'm not ready to date right now, not even casual. I'm afraid of who or what I may attract! lol!
Splendra--Thanks for the compliments. I don't understand why he is feeling so bad, like he said a few weeks ago, he has a lot of money now; funny how he is focusing on the items I have, as Carol said, you think he would be able to replace them all if that's what was bothering him.
too much on my plate!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: not kissing frogs anymore
Posts: 646
Originally Posted by Dakoda
Hi Savana,
In your case, I seem to remember him calling you and gloating about how all his bills were paid off, got a new car and a place to live (I think). If this were all actually true, then a few bits of furniture and odds and ends that the two of you accumulated together should be something he wouldn't even think about.
,
In your case, I seem to remember him calling you and gloating about how all his bills were paid off, got a new car and a place to live (I think). If this were all actually true, then a few bits of furniture and odds and ends that the two of you accumulated together should be something he wouldn't even think about.
,
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