How do you get through the really hard times of aloneness?
and that is all that matters..
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 73
How do you get through the really hard times of aloneness?
Brothers and Sisters in recovery from Codependence,
Please tell me, how do you get through the really hard times of aloneness? For those who don't know my story, I am on 8 weeks after the breakup with my ex-fiancee. I am finally beginning to face my ACA and codependence tendencies that screw up relationships in my life. My drug of choice is love, and I finally realize how powerful this addiction is for me. I believe in my heart that recovery is beginning for me, although the pain is unbearable.
I am flying to China for business today and I know that the long flight will be difficult. I am bringing my journal and a new book on Inner Child work and two others on letting go of addictive love. But I am feeling so lonely and deeply dark that it is tough to even get out of bed. I am bringing my running shoes with to hopefully get some exersise which everyone says is good for my head, and does seem to help a bit.
How do all of you cope with these extreme times of aloneness and despair? I am trying to surrender it to my God. I have asked him so many times to take it, but I am not sure if I believe he will. That might be part of the problem.
Am I just supposed to "go through the pain and come out the other end"? I am not so sure that I can take it much longer!
Peace be to all of you my family,
Please tell me, how do you get through the really hard times of aloneness? For those who don't know my story, I am on 8 weeks after the breakup with my ex-fiancee. I am finally beginning to face my ACA and codependence tendencies that screw up relationships in my life. My drug of choice is love, and I finally realize how powerful this addiction is for me. I believe in my heart that recovery is beginning for me, although the pain is unbearable.
I am flying to China for business today and I know that the long flight will be difficult. I am bringing my journal and a new book on Inner Child work and two others on letting go of addictive love. But I am feeling so lonely and deeply dark that it is tough to even get out of bed. I am bringing my running shoes with to hopefully get some exersise which everyone says is good for my head, and does seem to help a bit.
How do all of you cope with these extreme times of aloneness and despair? I am trying to surrender it to my God. I have asked him so many times to take it, but I am not sure if I believe he will. That might be part of the problem.
Am I just supposed to "go through the pain and come out the other end"? I am not so sure that I can take it much longer!
Peace be to all of you my family,
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Yo Steven,
What helps me the most is to realize that I am _never_ alone. I may be lonely, but I have the option to correct that. You mentioned a trip to China. What I do in airport is take the time to say hello to the person next to me in the terminal. Ask them where they are going, ask them why. Keep my mouth shut and _not_ talk about me, let them talk about themsevles.
I do that on the plane, at the hotels, with the cab drivers, with as many people as I possibly can. I've come to learn that it is physically impossible for me to feel emotionally down when I'm _listening_ to somebody else tell me about the problems in _their_ life. For me it works like a charm. I spent all of last month in a hospital and I made a few new friends. I even got one guy to go to his first AA meeting and one lady to call Al-Anon for the first time.
Give it a shot, you can't be lonely while you're reaching out to others.
Mike :-)
What helps me the most is to realize that I am _never_ alone. I may be lonely, but I have the option to correct that. You mentioned a trip to China. What I do in airport is take the time to say hello to the person next to me in the terminal. Ask them where they are going, ask them why. Keep my mouth shut and _not_ talk about me, let them talk about themsevles.
I do that on the plane, at the hotels, with the cab drivers, with as many people as I possibly can. I've come to learn that it is physically impossible for me to feel emotionally down when I'm _listening_ to somebody else tell me about the problems in _their_ life. For me it works like a charm. I spent all of last month in a hospital and I made a few new friends. I even got one guy to go to his first AA meeting and one lady to call Al-Anon for the first time.
Give it a shot, you can't be lonely while you're reaching out to others.
Mike :-)
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: western canada
Posts: 1,441
Steven...
Yes... it is very hard in the beginning...
Facing all those issues that have run us and our lives for so long...
It takes a lot of courage and grit to stand still in ourselves long enough for recovery to start untying the trauma knots of codependancy...
In my opinion... you are doing all the right things...
Now.. it's just gonna take time..
My suggestion to you is that you don't fight the way you feel... but try to get in touch with it.. see how and where it feels in your body... what thougths are attached to it...
.. and keep praying...
Waking up from love and sex addiction .. of which I am also afflicted.. is a complicated path.. and only love from ourselves will ever make that hole of lonliness go away...
And yes.. like DEyes said.. reaching out to others will take you out of yourself.. give you some solace from your pain..
Yes... it is very hard in the beginning...
Facing all those issues that have run us and our lives for so long...
It takes a lot of courage and grit to stand still in ourselves long enough for recovery to start untying the trauma knots of codependancy...
In my opinion... you are doing all the right things...
Now.. it's just gonna take time..
My suggestion to you is that you don't fight the way you feel... but try to get in touch with it.. see how and where it feels in your body... what thougths are attached to it...
.. and keep praying...
Waking up from love and sex addiction .. of which I am also afflicted.. is a complicated path.. and only love from ourselves will ever make that hole of lonliness go away...
And yes.. like DEyes said.. reaching out to others will take you out of yourself.. give you some solace from your pain..
Cruelty-Free
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Body: South Florida Heart: Yosemite National Park
Posts: 914
I've come to understand that I am never truly alone. I am always in the presence of my Higher Power, and the Al-Anon medallion I carry in my pocket reminds me that I am connected to a wolrldwide fellowship of people just like me. If I go to a meeting wherever I am, I have an instant roomful of friends I can connect with!
I've had to frame my "alone time" differently. I no longer view myself when I'm not with other people as being "by myself". Today I view it as being "with myself". Other folks give me feedback that I'm great to be around, so in those times when I'm not with others, I'm still hanging around with a great guy!!!
It's all in how I choose to see it.
"Changed attitudes can aid recovery..."--Suggested Al-Anon Opening
I've had to frame my "alone time" differently. I no longer view myself when I'm not with other people as being "by myself". Today I view it as being "with myself". Other folks give me feedback that I'm great to be around, so in those times when I'm not with others, I'm still hanging around with a great guy!!!
It's all in how I choose to see it.
"Changed attitudes can aid recovery..."--Suggested Al-Anon Opening
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: western canada
Posts: 1,441
Seems there are no edit buttons on this thread.. so.. have to amend the post here...
Changed for context...
Edit to read..
Waking up from love... and for myself... sex addiction .. is a complicated path.. and only love from ourselves will ever make that hole of lonliness go away...
** edit...lol
and that post would let me edit...
I think the board gremlims are busy here...
Changed for context...
Waking up from love and sex addiction .. of which I am also afflicted.. is a complicated path.. and only love from ourselves will ever make that hole of lonliness go away...
Waking up from love... and for myself... sex addiction .. is a complicated path.. and only love from ourselves will ever make that hole of lonliness go away...
** edit...lol
and that post would let me edit...
I think the board gremlims are busy here...
He who laughs, lasts.
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: south carolina
Posts: 67
IamEnough,
Boy, have we all felt that terrible aloneness at times in our lives. I am going through divorce, and at first it was a relief, then the lonliness set in. As I progressed, I found that when I got busy, I got better. I started to attend meetings (much to the insistance from many good members here), which introduced me to wonderful friends that I so appreciate.
I joined an astronomy club. Meet 2x a month
Here are things that I get "lost" in. These projects take up TIME, and I find I don't dwell so much on my problems:
I paint lovely oil paintings.
I sew a dress for my new grandchild.
I make handbags.
I make fashion jewelry.
For me, keeping in contact with others keeps me from shutting down emotionally. The crafts and hobbies keep me busy with little time for sulking. When you have made something with your own hands, you get a satisfaction as never before. It builds self esteem and helps you see you are worth more than you think!
Sincerely,
Tina
Boy, have we all felt that terrible aloneness at times in our lives. I am going through divorce, and at first it was a relief, then the lonliness set in. As I progressed, I found that when I got busy, I got better. I started to attend meetings (much to the insistance from many good members here), which introduced me to wonderful friends that I so appreciate.
I joined an astronomy club. Meet 2x a month
Here are things that I get "lost" in. These projects take up TIME, and I find I don't dwell so much on my problems:
I paint lovely oil paintings.
I sew a dress for my new grandchild.
I make handbags.
I make fashion jewelry.
For me, keeping in contact with others keeps me from shutting down emotionally. The crafts and hobbies keep me busy with little time for sulking. When you have made something with your own hands, you get a satisfaction as never before. It builds self esteem and helps you see you are worth more than you think!
Sincerely,
Tina
and that is all that matters..
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 73
Man I want some of what you have Tina…. I am going to try to start "getting busy" as you say. I have spent almost 3 months doing nothing but praying, journaling, reading and posting here. Oh, and attending meetings. But now I feel like I need to get back to the things I used to do for fun before my recovery from codependency. People in my meetings and even my therapist says I am "working too hard on recovery and I should just go have some fun and enjoy life". My trouble is, for the past 3 months I haven't "felt" like doing anything fun. NOTHING SEEMS FUN TO ME ANYMORE! All of my hobbies and interests are no longer interesting to me. Did you go through that? And how did you change it? Do I force myself to do things even if I don't feel like it?
Shalom,
Shalom,
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Second star to the right....
Posts: 845
for me, and i think this is quite a universal thing, recovery shouldnt become my life but always be a tool to live my life, a pattern for living that changes my attitude and helps me to learn new bahviours and thought patterns. 
when recovery becomes my entire life i tend to sink into an abyss where nothing in my life is happening, and I just seem to exist. if other things work for you thats fine but thats how the program works for me. i have to make sure i have other things in my life and non-program people in my life. i find time with recovery members and friends can be quite brief but are very intense moments. spending time living reminds me that life isnt just about recovering from my own existence and healing forever aching wounds, its about giving me the tools and a higher power to change my life, little by little,one day at a time.
when i lose interest in doing things, and dont 'feel' like it, fo rme thats a sign that im depressed and am suffering from -stuck-in-a-rut-itis-, this limbo crappy place where i lose ambition and drive. where i withdraw into my cave. usually for me in the past this is surivival time, a healing time and a reflective time. its also where im meant to be for that time becuse it is usally followed by, awareness acceptance and gratitude/thankfulness and a deeper understanding of myself. despite the innate material drive of society i am also of a strong spiritual sense, only by absorbing my program do i finally unearth any sort of interest or passion in life and for living. just keep coming back i was told, and i do because deep down somewhere i have an unshakeble faith that my program meetings are going to heal me, make me feel better and get me a bit closer to where i want to be, and anyone has that faith that even looks at these posts, and so do many that dont.
blessings
when recovery becomes my entire life i tend to sink into an abyss where nothing in my life is happening, and I just seem to exist. if other things work for you thats fine but thats how the program works for me. i have to make sure i have other things in my life and non-program people in my life. i find time with recovery members and friends can be quite brief but are very intense moments. spending time living reminds me that life isnt just about recovering from my own existence and healing forever aching wounds, its about giving me the tools and a higher power to change my life, little by little,one day at a time.
when i lose interest in doing things, and dont 'feel' like it, fo rme thats a sign that im depressed and am suffering from -stuck-in-a-rut-itis-, this limbo crappy place where i lose ambition and drive. where i withdraw into my cave. usually for me in the past this is surivival time, a healing time and a reflective time. its also where im meant to be for that time becuse it is usally followed by, awareness acceptance and gratitude/thankfulness and a deeper understanding of myself. despite the innate material drive of society i am also of a strong spiritual sense, only by absorbing my program do i finally unearth any sort of interest or passion in life and for living. just keep coming back i was told, and i do because deep down somewhere i have an unshakeble faith that my program meetings are going to heal me, make me feel better and get me a bit closer to where i want to be, and anyone has that faith that even looks at these posts, and so do many that dont.
blessings
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