wraybear

Had a GREAT time in San Antonio for my daughter's graduation from Air Force boot camp. I am so very proud of her. She is such a girly girl, I thought it would be very difficult for her, but she actually enjoyed it. So, she is off to Mississippi for some training and then to England for a couple more years.

Many of you know my AH has been alcohol and drug free since the day after mothers day - I think close to 3 months, but am I counting???? I knew this 6 day period would be a tell tale sign and sure enough, I got home tonight to a stumbling bumbling idiot. I mean, like a gallon or more of whiskey drunk.

I know I can't live with this disease any longer. I know I don't want to live with this disease any longer. I lived for almost 9 months without him living here and got along pretty well after the first couple months... So, why can't I let go? I can't separate the disease from the man.

I don't have it in me to live the 4-6 months sober life without disease and then boom. For those of you who have made a choice to live with it, how do you do it? I don't want my children to see this drunken man. I don't want to live like that - just stepping over him... I just don't think it is healthy for the kids or me to just "ignore" him when he is "in" his disease. I don't want him here when he is drinking, period.

I had made my mind up that I was going to let him move back home when school starts in a few weeks. I know this is a blessing, that this happened, God's way of knocking some sense into me.

I fell in love with my husband again these past three months. DAMNIT!

JennyK

I have nothing to offer but a million hugs to you and total understanding of exactly where you are.

PM me if you would like...I hear you in my heart.

Jenny

nocellphone

wraybear, I'm so sorry for your pain...

Keep sharing. It's the best thing you can do right now. Let the poison work its way out...

meli2005

I understand what you are going thru, your feelings, etc. The relapses are terrible, to me it feels like the world is ending.


You love the man, but the disease takes away the man you love, etc. It is not good for kids to see him like that, I agree. ACOA have a lot of issues.

My AH is drinkign again. He keeps relapsing constantly. He is living sep. from me now. I am like you I cannot handle the drinking anymore. I just cannot handle seeing it anymore or being around it, just too much.

You reach a bottom as well being the spouse of an alcoholic.

Alcoholism is such an evil disease.

Girlfriend

Wraybear,

I'm so sorry I don't know how the strong people that are married to A's make it, either, for 20+ years. Thee ups and downs and the worrying and then a ray of hope and then disappointment all over again.

I know what you mean about falling in love with the person all over again. In the 10 months I was with my xabf, I think I fell in love with him again about every other week. In between, I was angry as heck that he drank AGAIN!

It was always the same. In love feeling great........crying and depressed cause he drank. Man,....it tore me DOWN and I haven't been down like that since I was drinking over 11 yrs ago. It does a number on YOUR self-esteem and the kid's, too, because they blame themselves for everything even though it has nothing to do with them.

If someone could open up our chests, they'd see alot of scars. Some that might not heal. You gotta do what's best for you and your kids and I believe in you and know that you will!

I'm praying for you!

((hugs))

minnie

(((wraybear)))

I am so sorry to hear this. Like you say, though, thank goodness it's happened now and not in September. I know you have the tools and the experience of those 9 months on your own to fall back on, as well as SR.

We're all here to listen.

Love

Minnie
xxx

equus

Wraybear, I'm so sorry this happened. I really wish I had something I could say that would help - but that's all been said above.

Don't feel guilty or angry at your own grief - it's completely understandable.

Gabe

Wray,
It hurts like hell when you pin your hopes on a happy life and this disease rears it's ugly head again.
Only you know what's best for you.
Give yourself some time, then come up with a plan.
Every day, do something to make that plan happen.
Sending you some love and light.

cwohio

((wray)) - there are many here who share those same feelings that you have including myself. i've heard over and over again on this site that when your time comes you will know what you need to do whether it be leaving or staying. i'm in the same boat - AH has been dry for 30 days and in a IOP but many of us, including you, have been down that road before and i am constantly trying to keep my focus on me and my life and NOT think about IF it will work this time for him.

you and your kids are in my prayers today!

hugs - christie

DesertEyes

Hang in there wraybear, your HP loves you and so do we. I've known that terrible pain you speak of, it's got to be the worst in the world. Keep sharing and we'll all be here to support you, whatever you decide to do.

Mike :-)

pmaslan

Wraybear.....I understand completely how you feel....having been through countless relapses and promises, I am now alone without my exA. I too was tired of walking over the elephant in the living room, as were my sons. I miss him and still love him, but I have learned to love me more......You have a plan, so you are a step ahead...keep your focus and know this is what is right for you and your children. I feel you pain.....
Love, Patty

brdlvr2

This is very tough and from what I've experienced and read, all too sadly very common. I would get my hopes up and think maybe this time he got it when he was doing good, started to think maybe we could have a normal life together. Then out of the blue, bam, they are on the stuff again. The worrrying, not letting your guard down and then getting hurt when you do - I do believe it does in fact mess with your self esteem. I know it did mine, I'd question why am I with this man and what is wrong with me?

Don't have alot of advice except take of yourself as you did when he wasn't around. I think what the others say is true - you will know when the time is right what to do.

Savana 54

(((((Wraybear)))))

I'm sorry..I know you will do the right thing; regardless of what that might be.

Stay strong,
Hugs,
Savana

LovingMom

I have no words of wisdom for you. I wish I did. But please keep you and the kids safe and keep a plan of action always. You know that here you are loved and respected. There are hugs and good wishes coming your way.

jojo

Wray -

My heart hurts for you. I lived that life of relapse and then periods of hope. I'd think, OK, this time he has seen the light and as the days would go by life was good and I would put the past in the past as best I could. Then he would relapse again and each time was worse than the last. He became angrier and uglier and finally violent. That did it for me and I was gone.

I was lucky because we had no children and I had only myself to consider. In the end, I could not consider him or what he needed. I just knew that I could no longer live that life. I had to save myself.

Wray, you have been through so much. He almost killed himself and your children. I know that you have had high hopes these past few months but a part of you knew what to expect while you were gone. I am so sorry that this is happening but know that you will make the decision that is best for you and your kids. Maybe go back and read your old posts. That has helped me alot to see where I was and where I want to be.

Wish I could help you but all I can do is send you a big hug.

Jo

wraybear

Thanks for the support - all of you are great!

He has been seeing an addiction counselor every week for almost 3 months now. I have never talked to her, but I decided to call her today.
She really thinks he has been doing very well and she asked me how I reacted and that my reaction COULD play a part in how this relapse affects him. So, she suggested I remind him how far he has come, how proud I am that he had been doing so well, but also let him know how hurt I am, ask him what his plan is to get back on track, etc. blah blah blah balha blha blah. This is a very hard thing for me to do. How can i tell a drunken idiot how proud I am of him???? How can I tell a man that kept me up all night because of his "i'm so sorry" "I can't stand to live like this" "i'm so sorry" every hour the entire night.

But after thinking about what she said, it may be the old if I react the same way I always have (mad, hateful, talk of divorce, etc) and I don't make any changes in my behavior then why should I expect any changes in my life. So, I called him today, and did exactly what she suggested. He is sober today and tonight and has told me his plan for staying that way the rest of the week.

So, thanks for your thoughts and words of encouragement. Geez, here I go again! But, at least I feel a little more sane now.

By the way, I got a promotion at work. Very excited. Now maybe I won't have to worry as much about money and can really get a Plan B started.

Thanks again!

mendingheart

Wraybear,
I feel so badly for you, but the good thing is, you know you can do it on your own.
You know now what you DON"T want in your life, and what you DO deserve to live with.
Hugs to you,
Mendingheart

Girlfriend

Now THAT'S a great thing! SOmething that you did all by yourself and earned it. That's a huge pat on the back. Good for you!


You know how hard it is for spouses of A's to even keep a job because of the constant ups and downs? I've seen alot of them get fired because their spouse put them through a living nightmare.

For you to hold onto your's and get a promotion is something really great!

Congratulations!

FormerDoormat

Wray:

You know when you'll finally leave him? When all your hope is gone. And you'll know exactly when that happens.

Hugs to you.

equus

I think your response to talk to the counsellor was so cool! What he achieved before was also real, both behaviours are real and neither one can cancel out the other. If you seperate it from big decisions like going or staying (which in the longterm you can only make for you and your wellbeing), and deal only with your response here and now you have a smaller chunk of life to handle. He has to know neither behaviour can cancel out the other - that he has shown he is capable of both good and bad choices, that you're proud of the good ones regardless and that the bad ones hurt.

I know I can easily forget to see the whole of myself - like if I've made a bad decision or mistake that's all I can see and it's easy for that to bring me down. But it isn't like that, we can't undo anything we have already done and that counts as much for good stuff as it does for bad.

Does this make any sense? It's just how I try and see things to stop me being sucked into any single incident in life.