Little reassurance needed

Old 08-01-2005, 08:00 PM
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Little reassurance needed

My AH has been distancing himself for sometime and indulging in what could only be described as "mid-life crisis" behavior. All about him, wanted to be the "what a great guy" only hanging on to surface relationships that require NO accountability. He is now starting to focus in on all the negatives of our relationship-we've been together 20 years, since we were 16 years old. He refuses to see things in a spirit of forgiveness and grace. I am codependent and I have been going for help. He has been pointing out my codependent issues as he tries to fix himself. Please don't ask why I stay. I am not ready to leave. I know I need to take the focus off of him entirely, right? Take care of myself and kids. Is his behavior the alcoholism? I know I need to focus on the 3 C's
I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, I can't control it. But I feel like there is something else. Am I wrong or is it the drinking that has warped his thinking and made me the bad guy. He seems to think anything that happens has been manipulated by me in some manner. I explain then he says sorry until the next thing that makes him angry. It always seems to be my fault. Has anyone known a situation like this, did the A mellow out or just become angrier. He said yesterday he wanted to get help and he said it would be a good idea if we went to counseling and then today I became the enemy again.
I probably sound like I am babbling and I don't want to latch on to my kids because I could feel that coming. Would I benefit from CODA meetings more than Al-anon? I only have the 1 night to go and they are on the same night.
I can't afford the house without my husband and my counselor wants me to find a job that I support myself with and keep the house. She thinks if I did that I will realize that he is not much to hold on to. My mother-in-law thinks I should act like things are not going to work out and go for the better job.
The thing is we've never tried to get any real help for our problems until now and I don't think it is too late. Sometimes it sems like he will just go thrugh the motions just to appease me and not because he wants things to work. Anything I say is the wrong thing. Let him pursue I am told.
Don't try and make sense of nonsense. I don't know what to do next. Detach...again are you ever done detaching or is it new with every situation, conversation and day?
Say a prayer for me. He's may only hope. I need strength.

J
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Old 08-01-2005, 08:37 PM
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I guess I wonder could my codepndency be worse than his alcoholism? Do we stand a chance? Anybody with a success story on this issue I am looking for hope, again. People tell me to quit living in the land of hope. What else do I have if i lose that? Why am I so blue today?

J
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Old 08-01-2005, 09:26 PM
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I am sorry that you are hurting. Accept him for who he is telling/showing you he is.

Maybe you could alternate meetings; one week go to CODA, next week go to alanon. Then, you can see for yourself which one works best for you.

If you have a chance, its up to your HP to decide. I certainly dont have those answers. Keep remembering that you are powerless and HP is in control. He has a plan for you- better than you could imagine for yourself.

Stay focused on meetings. See if you could attend any on the weekend. Good luck.
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Old 08-01-2005, 10:40 PM
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Yes; sounds familiar ..but worse.

I agree; my only course of "action" is to give it over to HP...I have no other answers. I am drawing a blank........time for me to stop trying and let HP (God,for me) take control .

Good luck to you.
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Old 08-01-2005, 11:11 PM
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the girl can't help it
 
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((((somebody))))

It kinda sounds like you are owning to much of his guilt. He is projecting his guilt on to you but you do not have to accept it in fact you can hand it right back to him. When he does it make a simple statement like: no I think that belongs to you...I think it will really unnerve him.

I've been "codie" all my life. I am not sure that I am an expert but, I believe one of the worst things I do to me is absorb the guilt that my As try to pin on me. I am getting much better at not taking it and I feel much freer as a result.
Hey if they feel guilty that is their problem not mine or yours.
You sound to me like you are working to move ahead. Counseling could be very good for you and him I am sure it is possible to save the relationship if you both want to. Keep your own best interest in mind and ask your HP to guide you and He will and answers will come that you can deal with. As you get stronger with setting and keeping boundries detachment will be natural for you cause you will know what you are not going to put up with. Actually it won't be so much detaching as you are not going to go there in the first place so there won't be any reason to detach cause you are not attached. You are processing what you have learned. You know in your mind but it might take a minute for everything to become intergrated in your heart and spirit.
You will be ok... I will remember you in my prayers. Take care of you...
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