Went to the wedding alone
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Chaos City
Posts: 605
Went to the wedding alone
This past weekend I went up north to my nephews wedding. (It was beautiful)
My H was suppose to go with me, he was talking about it the week before how we were going. A few days before the wedding he started complaining, I dont know why we have to go to a wedding, they are just young kids and we will be going to divorce court in about six months, if they make it that long. Then he starts going on how he was stupid for enlisting in the army, because he will be going to Iraq. He just kept going on how stupid they were.
I just shut up, you can imagine how hard it was for me to do that. That is my nephew and young or not, it is what they wanted.
The day of the wedding was here, my H did not get out of bed, due to staying up all night drinking and the combination of really not wanting to go. I said to myself, it will not be worth it, if I get him up to go, he will bitch and complain that I woke him up, he would have said the same thing that he said three days in a row prior to the wedding, he will be saying F** this and that, he will act as though he is doing me some huge favor by going.
I said forget it! I didnt wake him up!
I didnt leave till 1:00, I had to run a few errands and the wedding didnt start till 3:00, It takes about 1 1/2 hours if traffic is good.
I went to the wedding with just my youngest daughter left my cell phone in the van, and had alot of fun. I took lots of pictures.
For just a brief few moments the thought passed my mind, (all of my siblings and their spouses were there, and mine was the only one not there), again I had to answer why he didnt come, my youngest daughter was quick to answer that one, HE DIDNT WANT TO.
I only stayed till 9:30, (I didnt want to fight Sunday traffic). On the way home my phone rings, it is my H, why didnt you wake me up, I told you I was going to go with you. ( you all know what I was thinking). I didnt get home till 11:30 PM and he was out back with a neighbor drinking. I said hello, I am going to bed, I am tired and had a long day. I went in a went to bed (couch).
The next day he gets up early, for him anyway 10:30 or so. I think he heard me trying to transfer my pictures onto a CD, somehow the wedding was brought up, I told him the only thing that really bothered me was the questions "why he didnt go", and then seeing everyone dancing with their husbands while I sat on the bench.
He started becoming defensive, and said you didnt wake me up, he said I seen you bringing in groceries, ( I did that at 10:00 am) so he got up seen me bringing in groceries and then went back to bed, praying I wouldnt bother him, he admitted to that.
My H was suppose to go with me, he was talking about it the week before how we were going. A few days before the wedding he started complaining, I dont know why we have to go to a wedding, they are just young kids and we will be going to divorce court in about six months, if they make it that long. Then he starts going on how he was stupid for enlisting in the army, because he will be going to Iraq. He just kept going on how stupid they were.
I just shut up, you can imagine how hard it was for me to do that. That is my nephew and young or not, it is what they wanted.
The day of the wedding was here, my H did not get out of bed, due to staying up all night drinking and the combination of really not wanting to go. I said to myself, it will not be worth it, if I get him up to go, he will bitch and complain that I woke him up, he would have said the same thing that he said three days in a row prior to the wedding, he will be saying F** this and that, he will act as though he is doing me some huge favor by going.
I said forget it! I didnt wake him up!
I didnt leave till 1:00, I had to run a few errands and the wedding didnt start till 3:00, It takes about 1 1/2 hours if traffic is good.
I went to the wedding with just my youngest daughter left my cell phone in the van, and had alot of fun. I took lots of pictures.
For just a brief few moments the thought passed my mind, (all of my siblings and their spouses were there, and mine was the only one not there), again I had to answer why he didnt come, my youngest daughter was quick to answer that one, HE DIDNT WANT TO.
I only stayed till 9:30, (I didnt want to fight Sunday traffic). On the way home my phone rings, it is my H, why didnt you wake me up, I told you I was going to go with you. ( you all know what I was thinking). I didnt get home till 11:30 PM and he was out back with a neighbor drinking. I said hello, I am going to bed, I am tired and had a long day. I went in a went to bed (couch).
The next day he gets up early, for him anyway 10:30 or so. I think he heard me trying to transfer my pictures onto a CD, somehow the wedding was brought up, I told him the only thing that really bothered me was the questions "why he didnt go", and then seeing everyone dancing with their husbands while I sat on the bench.
He started becoming defensive, and said you didnt wake me up, he said I seen you bringing in groceries, ( I did that at 10:00 am) so he got up seen me bringing in groceries and then went back to bed, praying I wouldnt bother him, he admitted to that.
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Queens, NY
Posts: 71
It is common for alcoholics to behave this way, to make plans and at the last minute not follow through. And of course the defenses they have built go up when you question it. It is all part of the disease. Just know that it the alcoholism doing this, not the person he is underneath all the excuses and rationalizations.
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Lost in the world
Posts: 107
Good for you for still going Emily. I know that was a hard thing to do because you knew you would face all of the questions about where he was. You did a great job on many different aspects. You did something for yourself and had fun and you let him know that you do NOT need him to have a good time. Congratulations on what I consider you taking a stand against supporting him and the disease.
How do I let go of the resentment, that I know I am holding onto??
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
emily - what good does it do US to hang on to resentment? nada - i know it is hard to do and i find myself slipping sometimes.
i know what you mean. i went to my AH's uncle's funeral with his mom, sister and everyone else - he was completely wasted and i didn't bother waking him up. his cousin even came and was going to ride with my AH to the funeral and ended up stranded at our house but i thought - it's not my problem and i think your daughter did a great job in answering the question!
i know what you mean. i went to my AH's uncle's funeral with his mom, sister and everyone else - he was completely wasted and i didn't bother waking him up. his cousin even came and was going to ride with my AH to the funeral and ended up stranded at our house but i thought - it's not my problem and i think your daughter did a great job in answering the question!
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Chaos City
Posts: 605
this is a little deep, and a little off topic, but here goes
I have a really hard time with, it's the disease not the person he is underneath. I have a very hard time seperating the two.
I believe that because of my H disease I was one of the decisions he made he wished he hadnt. My h feels stuck. I feel like somehow it is my fault he is stuck, I did this to him, so I somehow owe him.
Because of my disease and my co-dependent ways, I am punishing myself, because I feel like I deserve it.
If I dont own up to a few things that I have done, that were life changing for him, will i ever feel like my punishment is over. On top of the guilt I may carry, I am also that same person that is looking for love and attention, anyway that I could have gotten it.
I am sick and I dont need a shrink to tell me that.
I have a really hard time with, it's the disease not the person he is underneath. I have a very hard time seperating the two.
I believe that because of my H disease I was one of the decisions he made he wished he hadnt. My h feels stuck. I feel like somehow it is my fault he is stuck, I did this to him, so I somehow owe him.
Because of my disease and my co-dependent ways, I am punishing myself, because I feel like I deserve it.
If I dont own up to a few things that I have done, that were life changing for him, will i ever feel like my punishment is over. On top of the guilt I may carry, I am also that same person that is looking for love and attention, anyway that I could have gotten it.
I am sick and I dont need a shrink to tell me that.
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 48
I can fully understand that you are beating yourself up emotionally. But realize that no matter what happens, no matter what you do...you do not make H drink. That is something that he alone chooses to do. What you did by going alone to the wedding was so wonderful and I am so proud of you. I find that I too have carried the guilt and burden and made excuses...we have to stop that and find some sort of surrender to the situation and realize that while we have codependency tendancies, we are not the As...we can only work on ourselves and make ourselves stronger.
I'm trying my damnest and I am sooo proud of you.
I'm trying my damnest and I am sooo proud of you.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: CA
Posts: 109
Hey Emily
I had a few similar things. We used to arrange to go for dinner (or an alternative to get him out of the bar!!) he would fall asleep - I would go alone and when I got back he would be out with his mates!!!!. A few things struck me about your postings.
" I feel like somehow it is my fault he is stuck, I did this to him, so I somehow owe him."
It is not your fault at all. It is he who is stuck. You owe him nothing.
You do however to owe it yourself - to Emily- to be happy.
" I am punishing myself, because I feel like I deserve it." You deserve to be happy, peaceful and out of this drama.
Have you read the Melody Beattie book?? Why dont you check it out. I read it and to be honest it was like it had been written for me about my situation!!! It is amazing.
I too felt guilty, I blamed myself, I did everything possible - fetched him out of ER, put up with public embarassments, affairs, you name it!!! Yet still I too thought it was me. If I did this or that it would be better - it wasnt.
I am a little futher on at the moment. I am still struggling to get through the days but I can promise you it is not you.
I saw him not so long ago and you know what?? He is still doing the same, the fact I am no longer there seems to not be an issue at all!! In this time I have worked on my own recovery and have taken tiny steps but they are all forwards.
Yes you are sick in a way - codependancy is an addiction too. You need to concentrate on yourself. You cannot make him better but you can make yourself better.
Honestly check out the book. It really is great.
Good Luck ((HUG))
Katie
I had a few similar things. We used to arrange to go for dinner (or an alternative to get him out of the bar!!) he would fall asleep - I would go alone and when I got back he would be out with his mates!!!!. A few things struck me about your postings.
" I feel like somehow it is my fault he is stuck, I did this to him, so I somehow owe him."
It is not your fault at all. It is he who is stuck. You owe him nothing.
You do however to owe it yourself - to Emily- to be happy.
" I am punishing myself, because I feel like I deserve it." You deserve to be happy, peaceful and out of this drama.
Have you read the Melody Beattie book?? Why dont you check it out. I read it and to be honest it was like it had been written for me about my situation!!! It is amazing.
I too felt guilty, I blamed myself, I did everything possible - fetched him out of ER, put up with public embarassments, affairs, you name it!!! Yet still I too thought it was me. If I did this or that it would be better - it wasnt.
I am a little futher on at the moment. I am still struggling to get through the days but I can promise you it is not you.
I saw him not so long ago and you know what?? He is still doing the same, the fact I am no longer there seems to not be an issue at all!! In this time I have worked on my own recovery and have taken tiny steps but they are all forwards.
Yes you are sick in a way - codependancy is an addiction too. You need to concentrate on yourself. You cannot make him better but you can make yourself better.
Honestly check out the book. It really is great.
Good Luck ((HUG))
Katie
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Lancaster
Posts: 120
When I was married I did everything without my husband. It was so much easier and more fun to do things without him. It made the divorce very easy as I was already used to doing everything on my own anyway. It was actually easier after I left him because I was already doing everything on my own (going places, taking care of the house, my son, bills, etc.) getting rid of him meant I still had to do all those things on my own but I didn't have to deal with his BS!!!! It's great - very liberating.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Chaos City
Posts: 605
I guess this means making amends so I can forgive myself. Isnt that one of the steps??
I realize it is not my fault that he drinks, and alot of things he does those are his choices. He has his own demons that he has to deal with.
But in order for me to move on in my recovery, and deal with mine I have to take another step??
I am not on a conscious level beating myself up, but on a unconscious level, I am not so sure. I have just come to some pretty deep realizations.
I realize it is not my fault that he drinks, and alot of things he does those are his choices. He has his own demons that he has to deal with.
But in order for me to move on in my recovery, and deal with mine I have to take another step??
I am not on a conscious level beating myself up, but on a unconscious level, I am not so sure. I have just come to some pretty deep realizations.
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Queens, NY
Posts: 71
Emily, a great book that helped me separate the person from the disease is called, "I'll Quit Tomorrow : A Practical Guide to Alcoholism Treatment" by Vernon E. Johnson. It gives a very in depth view of what alcoholism is, from the way it starts and progresses to the actual thought processes of the alcoholic and how they rationalize and project everything without even realizing they are doing it. I highly suggest anyone struggling with an alcoholic read it.
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Faith without works is dead
Posts: 26
great recovery work, Emily!
Emily,
I support you in your choice to go to the wedding without H. You acted as courageous wife, not mom and that is great! What progress in YOUR recovery work! Your decision might feel a little uncomfortable, but only because its a way you are not used to acting.
AA Big Book
p 66:
"We saw that these resentments must be mastered, but how?"
"This was our course: We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick. Though we did not like their symptoms and the way they disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done."
"We avoid retaliation or argument. We wouldnt treat sick people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God will show us how to take a kindly, tolerant view of each and every one."
__________________
I support you in your choice to go to the wedding without H. You acted as courageous wife, not mom and that is great! What progress in YOUR recovery work! Your decision might feel a little uncomfortable, but only because its a way you are not used to acting.
AA Big Book
p 66:
"We saw that these resentments must be mastered, but how?"
"This was our course: We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick. Though we did not like their symptoms and the way they disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done."
"We avoid retaliation or argument. We wouldnt treat sick people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God will show us how to take a kindly, tolerant view of each and every one."
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Join Date: Aug 2003
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Ha!!! This is a post I made 4/16. Sound familiar???
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=56602
"Anyway, we had a wedding to go to today. It's a girl he used to work with and a group of HIS work buddies were going to be there. Reception only.
He went out right after work last night. Did not come home. About 9am, I go out to the car to run to the store. His work van is behind me in the driveway. Hub is not home, nor are the keys. So I borrowed a neighbor's vehicle.
When I get home, I see hub getting out of the van which he moved to the street and going inside. One of his boozo buddies' car is across the street, right where I have to put neighbor's van. I get out and ask him to move up. He does (obviously waiting for hub to come out.
Hub comes out, saying he came home to move the van, and said he was going to the bar for just 2 hours. I reminded him of the wedding (at 6:30) and say that I will not go with him drunk (him,not me) "OK"..
Can you guess where this is leading? At about 2 I figured there was no way he was going to be home in time to get some sleep and wash the stench off himself. He is too annoying when he is drunk like that, and I certainly do not want to be out in public with him like that. (Edited- also, by this time, I was HOPING he wouldn't come home so there would be no chance of a scene- me leaving, him insisting I wait while he showers, etc. I even took the invitation with me- he had no idea where it was, I think)
So, I have a dilemna- do I just stay home, or do I go by myself? We have already responded yes, and it is so rude to not go to something like that. However, these are HIS friends. I know them, and like them, but still.. I even have a babysitter who will take the girls overnight. I bought a new dress, purse, even PANTYHOSE.
So, I go. I felt so awkward, tho. I do like some of the wives/GFs,so I talked to them. It did work out, as, due to hub's absence, another coworker at another table was able to join us. I left right after the first dances, as they were playing slow music, and I didn't want the other couples to think they needed to "keep me company".
On my way home I was thiking of stopping by the bar he was going to this morning,as it is very close to home, but decided against it. Too tired. He might be there, might not. I have no idea
So, just playing on the Internet with a beer. I didn't drink at the wedding, as I was going to be driving home by myself at night.
So, I'm not sure if I had a good day or a bad day. Medium??
Sigh. I think I'll go to bed. "
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=56602
"Anyway, we had a wedding to go to today. It's a girl he used to work with and a group of HIS work buddies were going to be there. Reception only.
He went out right after work last night. Did not come home. About 9am, I go out to the car to run to the store. His work van is behind me in the driveway. Hub is not home, nor are the keys. So I borrowed a neighbor's vehicle.
When I get home, I see hub getting out of the van which he moved to the street and going inside. One of his boozo buddies' car is across the street, right where I have to put neighbor's van. I get out and ask him to move up. He does (obviously waiting for hub to come out.
Hub comes out, saying he came home to move the van, and said he was going to the bar for just 2 hours. I reminded him of the wedding (at 6:30) and say that I will not go with him drunk (him,not me) "OK"..
Can you guess where this is leading? At about 2 I figured there was no way he was going to be home in time to get some sleep and wash the stench off himself. He is too annoying when he is drunk like that, and I certainly do not want to be out in public with him like that. (Edited- also, by this time, I was HOPING he wouldn't come home so there would be no chance of a scene- me leaving, him insisting I wait while he showers, etc. I even took the invitation with me- he had no idea where it was, I think)
So, I have a dilemna- do I just stay home, or do I go by myself? We have already responded yes, and it is so rude to not go to something like that. However, these are HIS friends. I know them, and like them, but still.. I even have a babysitter who will take the girls overnight. I bought a new dress, purse, even PANTYHOSE.
So, I go. I felt so awkward, tho. I do like some of the wives/GFs,so I talked to them. It did work out, as, due to hub's absence, another coworker at another table was able to join us. I left right after the first dances, as they were playing slow music, and I didn't want the other couples to think they needed to "keep me company".
On my way home I was thiking of stopping by the bar he was going to this morning,as it is very close to home, but decided against it. Too tired. He might be there, might not. I have no idea
So, just playing on the Internet with a beer. I didn't drink at the wedding, as I was going to be driving home by myself at night.
So, I'm not sure if I had a good day or a bad day. Medium??
Sigh. I think I'll go to bed. "
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Backing out of plans or family commitments was a given with my xAB. I see a trend here....My x always said, "what (fill in the event)? You didn't tell me about the (fill in the event)," even when I told him a few weeks in advance and reminded him several times.
Then one day....he asked me to go to his 30-year company anniversary. I flat out told him, "I don't want to go." When he asked why I simply said, "because I don't want to." He was flabbergasted and he eventually went alone. I guess he thought I'd cave in. I didn't, and I didn't feel the least bit guilty about it. I didn't want to spend my evening around folks I didn't know. I would have gladly gone to keep him company if he'd have done the same for me over the years.
What goes around comes around....
Then one day....he asked me to go to his 30-year company anniversary. I flat out told him, "I don't want to go." When he asked why I simply said, "because I don't want to." He was flabbergasted and he eventually went alone. I guess he thought I'd cave in. I didn't, and I didn't feel the least bit guilty about it. I didn't want to spend my evening around folks I didn't know. I would have gladly gone to keep him company if he'd have done the same for me over the years.
What goes around comes around....
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