gypsy125

HI. i just attended my first al anon meeting and WOW! i learned so much. I have a best friend who has been an alcoholic for several years. I have threw my hands up several times and detatched from her unhealthy behavior. Do you know how she reacts? She 'attempts' to kill herself every time i 'break up' with her. this last time has me baffeled. she cut herself so bad, we thought she would definatly be admitted to some kind of inpatient treatment but she is an extremely smooth talker and got discharged. well after hoping she would 'see the light and admit she had a problem', she is back to drinking, just a week later. it has affected my own emotional health now. honestly, the last time i took a break from this relationship, i never felt more liberated. she lured me back with this last suicide attempt. My question to you..anyone with experience...Is it okay for me to detatch from her for good until she is sober, or ready to get help? Im afraid she will do something worse next time to get attention and may end up dying. How do you turn your back on someone you love who is killing themselves in front of you? thanks for any advice. im so lost. and sad. and tired.

nocellphone

Welcome to SR, gypsy...

My best suggestion is to continue attending Al-Anon meetings as often as you can. The folks you'll meet there have a wealth of experience, strength and hope to share with you as you learn to cope with the disease of alcoholism.

I'm always sad to hear stories of emotional blackmail such as the one you've described, but they're all-too-common when dealing with alcoholics.

Al-Anon taught me about detaching with love and letting my loved ones experience the consequences of their behaviors. Al-Anon's Detachment pamphlet speaks of "not causing a crisis" and "not preventing a crisis if it's in the natural order of things" (that's the gist, anyway). I cannot allow myself to provide a cushion for the alcoholics in my life so as to soften their bottoms, or they may never learn what they need to learn. If I come between someone and the bottom they need to hit, they're gonna land on me and then we're both in trouble...

Hopefully, your friend will learn what she needs to learn before she does some damage that will not heal...

I hope you'll keep coming back.

Peace...

walkingtheline

The short answer is YES. Yes it is certainly ok to detatch from her for good until she is sober.

The long answer is as long as someone is abusing a substance like alcohol, drugs etc, they are killing themselves in front of you. They are ill, but they still have free will. They can choose to treat their disease agressively...or not.

You can't cure it, can't control it and you certainly didn't cause it. You are only responsible for YOU.

Welcome! Make yourself at home, there's a great deal of wisdom to be found here.

gypsy125

thanks nocellphone,
i saw al anon had that phamplet. i want to go back to a meeting but feeling so many emotions-anger at her, sadness for her children, grief over the death of our once healthy friendship- makes me want to just 'cut and run'. sometimes i think i just do better moving on without acknowledging the issue.
LOVE the part about getting in the way of someone hitting rock bottom-HOW TRUE THAT IS!

nocellphone

For me, going to meetings (and doing the other things that Al-Anon suggests: working the 12 Steps, working with a sponsor and others in the program, etc.) is no longer about trying to figure out what to do about/with my alcoholic loved ones. It's now about learning about myself and finding healing from the damage that alcoholism has caused in my life. I'm not an alcoholic, but I have been negatively affected by being in close proximity to the disease of alcoholism. I have been impacted physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Al-Anon has helped me, and continues to help me, heal from that damage.

My feeling is that continuing in Al-Anon (and here in SR) will help you sort through the emotions you've touched on here, in a healthy way, whether your friend continues to drink or not.

gypsy125

thanks you guys. your absolutly right. i just needed to hear i wasnt crazy and alone in my thinking. i am going to try my hardest to go to the alanon meeting i started last week. the worst part was i sat and cried the entire time sitting there. i felt so stupid. i didnt realize how traumatized i actually was until i sat there with all of those other people. thanks for the encouragement! i will stick around here to benefit from others stories!

nocellphone

Believe me, you're certainly not the first--or the last--person to cry their way through their first meeting. I know people who cried at meetings consistently for the first year... No one in that room thought badly of you for expressing your emotions. In fact, when I see people cry in meetings, it gives me the courage to express my own sometimes-buried emotions.

If we realized how traumatized we'd been, we'd have showed up at a meeting years ago. That's how denial works to keep us (and our loved ones) sick...

Glad to hear it!

Minx1969

Hey Gypsy,

Welcome! Glad to hear that you are going to Alanon..don't feel bad..all I did was cry my first 6 or so meetings...and many meetings afterwards..

Good for you for taking that first step!

hug,

Minx

Swanie

I have seen many people cry at meetings. I have cried at meetings so many times myself. I feel stupid sometimes too, but how grateful I am to be in touch with my feelings. I have the courage to feel, and thats big.

You are not alone!