Saint Francis

I'm new to this board, but not new to being affected by alcoholics. It's been almost 18 years of AH's/AB's but none in my growing up years. I just need to know if it's too late for my relationship with my 2nd AH. I'm in so much pain in near tears most of the time. I've done al-anon, EA, and other support groups but must be a slow learner or just too hopeful. I'm so pitiful that I can't even feel sorry for myself anymore. I knew when I married #2 he was an A, but we was such a sweet, wonderful A. I figured he had functioned for 25+ years and would continue to as an A. But now, after 7 years, it's deteriorating and I'm falling apart with no ignorance excuse to fall on. I'm just so incredibly sad. AH has serious health problems and I feel him slipping away from me emotionally and physically. Dr. has diagnosed him (I've seen the paper) with alcoholic hepatitis/cirhosis. He's very anemic. His blood test have been bad for all the liver functions for 2 years. He sleeps more than 14 hours a day. I'm so afraid. He never goes more than 12 hours without drinking, drinks about 20-30 beers every single day. He won't eat and is losing lots of weight. He blames me for drinking more than he used to and for his depression. I'm slipping into despair myself and I've given up on my dreams. I know that I need to focus on myself and just can't seem to do it. I don't exercise, don't see the dr. (blood pressure and weight are too high and don't want the lecture), and I'm seriously depressed...several antidepressants I have tried and either don't work or have worse side effects. And recently my resentment and anger have escallated because I can't accept that my AH would rather die than have a promising life with me. I know he has a disease, but I still lash out at him and yell or grab his arm when he won't talk to me or calls me an f'ing b*tch, leaving bruises behind because of his blood condition. Then I have the guilt to deal with because I just hurt the person I love. I really don't want to leave the love of my life, but if he'd get better w/o me, I would do it. Letting go is not easy and I'm just wondering if it's too late for me to do the right thing. And I wonder even if he could quit, is the damage is reversible or it's too late? Should I stay or should I go? I'm trying to leave this to my HP, but could use some wisdom.

cwohio

saint francis - sorry for your pain - don't know what to say but please keep coming back & posting - talking about it helps.

minnie

(((saint francis)))

I am so sorry to hear about the struggles you are both going through. It is very sad when people get to this stage and still blame other people for it. I hope you know that this isn't, and never will be, your fault.

You say you've done al-anon - did you work the steps? I have found that just going to meetings wasn't enough.

Hope you can stick around.

Love

Minnie
xxx

walkingtheline

Perhaps it's time to be the instrument of your OWN peace?

escape artist

(((Saint Francis))) welcome to sober recovery. i am so sorry for your pain and most of us here know how this disease can drive you to insanity. don't know if it is too late for him, but it is not too late for you. best way to help him is to help yourself. there are so many wonderful posts here and on the nar-anon board which helped me get through and understand way more about what i was dealing with.

it is frightening to see your loved one go down the tubes, however, you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you cannot cure it.

the blaming part i am well familiar with and if you stay in it long enough you will convince yourself that he is right. but it is not true. i had to finally let my AH GO just because i felt that he would not ever be able to stop blaming me for what he didn't want to admit to himself. although it was extremely painful for me and i worried very much for my kids, he will either have the opportunity to work it out for himself and get help or not. it is his life and his choice. i have had to learn to detach and that was a Godsend. i have also had to go through the process of learning what my role in this alcoholic setup is - for that is what it is- a setup and without my playing the victim/persecutor/rescuer role in it, he has a better chance of recovery.
my prayers go out to you and your loved ones. keep posting and reading. It will get better for you.

Cap3

Welcome SF,you say that you have done al-anon?From my own understanding this recovery program is a life long,recovery program, learning,growing.When things got so bad for me,i just gave them all over to the care of God,and continued on with my own recovery.Had to,because i was getting nuts.As long as i was trying to control another person and the outcome i remained sick.Let go,let God.As im living in program im changing,and in this changing i could then make clearer decisons for myself.Al-anon has no issue on whether you should stay or go.You will know for yourself what to do,as you are focused,on your recovery.
here from al-anon,,,i was the one who allowed my life to become troubled and confused,my thinking so warped.If i can take my eyes off others,i can see those things in me which contributed to the harshness of my life.I can remind myself that progress in my recovery from all the anger and frustration can only begin with what i can bring myself too.I can only begin my search for serenity when i can free myself from my obsessions with others.wowo,for me,at first this was a hard pill to swallow.I had always thought that he was all the problem,and that no wonder i feel the way i do,you would too?That use to me how i thought,which brought me personally no peace,within myself.So i started to learn a new way to live,through the al-anon program.And for me AA,also..And let go,of whether i should stay or go.My recovery,is what is vital,no matter who is or who is not in my life...One Day At A Time...
You are no longer all alone,
God Bless,take care!!!!!

Saint Francis

Thank you for all of your thoughtful comments! I'm happy to have discovered this board and the wise people who come here. I love reading many of the posts. It's comforting to know I'm not alone, butvery distressing to see that alcohism is ALWAYS progressive if the A doesn't stop drinking.

I just always thought if someone was smart enough, they could just cut down w/o entirely stopping for the sake of their health and relationships. And if I was smart enough, I would always know the right things to do to support, not enable them. But the illusion is now fading. There are far smarter people than me or my AH who have not "conquered" the disease. It's truly about letting go and letting God. I think that's why I cry so much, I'm grieving the illusion that I can could control OUR destinies together, but in reality, it's only MINE that I can control and I see a long and lonely road ahead.

As far as Al-Anon, I only completed step 4. That particular group was small and somewhat disorganized. Can I get the same benefits here instead?

Thanks again. And yes, I want to be an instrument of God's peace to others and MYSELF. Doesn't mean I've accomplished that, but it's a worthy goal.

ASpouse

Alcoholism knows no boundaries .... it can affect anyone from any walk of life. Being smart does not make someone immune from it's affects.

I hope you try al anon again .... and I'll pray for you and your husband. He sounds very ill from his disease.

walkingtheline

There is a real difference between here and a face to face meeting. They balance each other wonderfully...both are cornerstones. I feel that to take either away would leave me less than stable.

"smart enough" doesn't apply with this disease. It cuts across all barriers--color, creed, location, language, sex, age, economics, and yes, intelligence. It can be controlled and those suffering from it can lead happy and productive lives but it takes a powerful lot of want and determination from the "patient". And remember, this disease touches the entire family-and that's where al-anon, al-ateen etc come into play and of course, this forum.

Think of this as the "lab"...like a college course. You take a basic, here-are-the-rules, here-are-the-facts, this-is-how-it's-done course...that would be Al-anon. This forum is the lab...a place for hands on experience and interaction with other students. Each is an essential part and each helps prepare the student to apply the knowledge in the world.

I'm so glad you've elected to hang out with us. Coming here has been life enriching for me.

cwohio

WTL - love you analogy about the 2 components of recovery!!!

reader

Welcome Saint Francis!!! As far as the reversiable question, I can tell you that my uncle was diagnosised with what you described. He got that diagnoses 4 years before he got a liver transplant. It went from the fatique you described to bloating, swelling that was painful even to a gentle touch. He had quit drinking 2 years before the transplant. If his labs are still good then the liver can heal. My uncle quit too late. I wish you luck and prays for your H health. I took care of my uncle so if you have any questions feel free to ask. Take care of yourself too!!! Kerry

Cynay

Welcome to SR Saint Francis

*hugs* and Im sorry your dealing with this disease... but you will not find a better group of people to support you while your going through this.

I thought coming here would be enough too in the begining, but there is alot to be said for the face to face meetings. Its much like what WTL wrote, and when you find the right group for you and the right sponsor is a closer form of support. I would suggest trying it again because it sounds to me like you will need all the support you can get.

meli2005

It is normal to be depressed when in this situation. Antidepressants can help some, but cannot take away the pain of the situation you are going through.


You need to set your boundaries, do you want to continue to live w/this type of behaviour, esp one that is not trying to change himself, etc. It is making you sick mentally/physically.

You hold no responsibility for his drinking, please do not listen to such talk. Sounds like he is in serious denial and will die soon if he does not stop drinking.

Alanon would be a great resource for you as well.

I wish the best for you in this difficult time. I know what you feel. I know about the anger you feel and the rage that goes w/watching someone destroy themselves.

Jazzman

SF, My heart goes out to you, I know your pain. New to this board myself and have found much relief just by reading these posts for many different reasons. This is my 1st reply, hope I don't say the wrong thing, but it seems pretty much a group mantra.

Do what YOU have to do to take care of YOURSELF....

This is the rational that started me on the way to "feeling better".

Swanie

LOL, Jazz....
Group Mantra-aint it the truth!
I have to remind myself many times every day to take care of myself. In fact, the longer I sway off the path of keeping the focus on myself, the harder it is for me to get back in the routine. Its like a magnet that pulls my focus awayfrom my self. I dont realize how far I've strayed until something knocks me on my rear and I am forced to grab onto my program and pull myself up. (tsk tsk tsk) So much easier if I could just remember to keep the focus on myself.


Saint Francis:
I am sorry you are hurting. Relationships with addicts are a challenge. I will keep you in my thoughts. I know your first instinct is probably to take care of him. However, please remember to take care of yourself. He may choose alcohol over a relationship with you... but thats not about you. Thats about addiction. I hope you still choose a loving and caring relationship with yourself. You certainly deserve that