It's becoming clearer

Old 07-28-2005, 06:55 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Girlfriend's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: DooDooville, USA
Posts: 453
It's becoming clearer

I had thee best counseling session today with my therapist. Talking about my need to fill the void in my life.

I thought I had peeled all of the layers of hurt, pain and forgave back when I got sober in 1994. I did, but there was still more to be unsurfaced.

It wasn't until my parents died and I got sick with cancer (all started in 1997). I started losing alot of hope and feeling abandoned again. Not strong enough to handle anything on my own. So, my co-dependent stuff started coming out again.

She told me about a book called "Addictive Mind" (something like that. I'll find out for sure what it is). It's a small book that tells how we humans are creatures of habit. We normally do the same things every day in the same way. Same pattern. We clean our homes starting out in the same area, our morning routine is the same.....etc. Even if it's a good habit, like say exercise.....it can become "bad" if that's all we do and it takes precedence over our lives.

So, in this book, the male author talks about breaking up those addictions by re-programming our minds.How by doing something different INSTEAD of focusing so much on the addiction, can help us break the pattern. It sounds so simple, but it's hard to do.

My addiction now is helping people. The teens I work with voluntarily and have been for 6 years........they took total precedence over my life. Their needs came first above all else. It made me feel good knowing that I was helping so many, but not realizing that I wasn't doing for MYSELF. I've come to see that now and how I "helped" my xabf. I thought it was helping him. It wasn't. HE needed to do the work, I didn't need to for him.

The same with my ex husband. He called me yesterday (we've been divorced 20 years. He wasn't an A, he was abusive. But, we've forgiven each other and gone on with our lives a long time ago) and asked me what we should do for my son's college. My son is 26 years old. This is his 2nd Bachelor's degree he's going for. I've helped pay for his tuition in the past, but he didn't use that education (ie: real estate school. He's not a realtor), so I told B that L can apply for a FAFSA loan and when he's finished with school, has his degree and a good job, he can make arrangements to pay the loan back.

My ex H said "I was thinking of giving him some extra $$ if he gets A's and B's while in college to encourage him". I told him "He's 26 yrs old! He doesn't need to be rewarded with $ for good grades. His degree and a good job after graduating will be his reward". He agreed and said "I know. I'm still bad at that. I have a hard time letting the kids go".

I told my counselor that my low-self esteem started young cuz I used to bribe kids with cookies to play with me. And, always befriended the bullied or underdog. When it was really ME that needed the love. My parents told me that I was a "mistake. A HAPPY mistake, but a mistake". I think I always felt that and my counselor told me that I don't have to do nice things for other people to get them to love me. That I'm a lovable person by just being who I am. And, that I am NOT a mistake. That the "parenting" part of me needs to let the "Child" part of me know that I am loved just for being me.

It helped me alot. It's a choice that I choose to let people use me, take me for granted and disrespect me. I CAN UN-CHOOSE that and yeah, do nice things for others, but know the limits. And, stick to them!!

I'm grateful that I can see that in myself at my age and know that it's okay and that I can choose to work on that. To truly love myself and not have to go looking for it through others.

It was a good session. I hope it helps somebody out there reading like it did me.
Girlfriend is offline  
Old 07-28-2005, 07:02 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
cwohio's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
wow girlfriend - you DID have a great session. wish some of mine were that filled with great revelations like yours! please do post the name of that book - it sounds great. thanks for sharing!
cwohio is offline  
Old 07-28-2005, 07:03 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
the girl can't help it
 
splendra's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
All that looks really good on ya ((((GIRFRIEND)))))...sounds like you are really getting. it. Keep on keeping on!!!
splendra is offline  
Old 07-28-2005, 07:08 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
too much on my plate!!
 
Savana 54's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: not kissing frogs anymore
Posts: 646
Thanks for sharing GF! You've been thourgh a lot, and seem to be very strong!

I start counseling on the 10th of August. Finally!!!!
Savana 54 is offline  
Old 07-28-2005, 07:28 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
 
CarolD's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Awesome GF...

Thanks for sharing such a powerful insite.
CarolD is offline  
Old 07-28-2005, 11:45 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
minnie's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Girlfriend - WOW!! Isn't it great when we make big leaps forward like that?

You are doing so well - I'm proud of you.
minnie is offline  
Old 07-29-2005, 03:28 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
ASpouse's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
Doing a Happy Dance

Ruthie,

You got it, *****! The dogs and I are doing the Happy Dance for ya and the Belgian Spin of Happiness! I am so happy for you!

Keep peeling away the layers and you will be so surprised and happy with what you see. Wonderful wonderful wonderful!

ASpouse is offline  
Old 07-29-2005, 01:33 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Girlfriend's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: DooDooville, USA
Posts: 453
Thank you, my new family and friends!!!!


It feels good to "see" those things. When they do come, it's nice to have them get here. The hard work is not in vain. Gotta keep pluggin' in there day by day. Fall, when we fall, but get back up knowing that it's okay and today is a fresh start.

JUDY IS PROUD OF ME! wheHEW~!!!

Thank you! ((big hugs all around))
Girlfriend is offline  
Old 07-29-2005, 02:17 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
ASpouse's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
Yes I am .... :congrats

Gee, you're making me blush!
ASpouse is offline  
Old 07-29-2005, 03:06 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
cwohio's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
when judy is proud of you that definitely is a compliment - lol! you have earned it - congrats!
cwohio is offline  
Old 07-29-2005, 03:12 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
ASpouse's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
Gosh, now you making really believe that "smoking gun" stuff! LOL
ASpouse is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:15 PM.