lostinabq

I have been dating this guy for 3 years, he is recovering alcoholic for 6 years now. Off and on, he has been upset with me for drinking (I like wine). Somedays he tells me that he doesn't want me to have wine before I see him, but I can have it with him. Somedays, he tells me he doesn't want me to drink around him, other days he doesn't want me to drink without him there. The rules change. He is very bitter, verbally abusive. He doesn't trust me or anyone for that matter. He reminds of someone strung very tight, gets upset at the drop of a hat, screams and curses...lots of tantrums.

In addition to us fighting over my drinking (which he knew I did when he first started dating me), I have brought up the subject of marriage. Do we have a future, etc? I have been told yes,no, maybe, I never want to get married, if you quit drinking I will marry you , etc. Who knows what he is thinking.

Recently, he told me that I would have to quit drinking in order to continue dating him. I asked him that if I did that, were we going to get engaged/married? He said I would have to quit for a year before he asked me. ( Now, I am not a jerk to him when I drink, I am not getting drunk, etc. I make my own wine and it is a hobby of mine.). I told him , no, that if I did this we would have to be engaged in 6 months and married by a year. We have been seeing each other every day for the last 3 years, it's time. There was a long pause and then 'I don't think I ever want to get married'.

So, here we are. I can't see actually doing anything for him if we don't have a future together. I really do love him, but I can't stand the tantrums and anger problems. I don't care to be backed into a corner and told how to live my life just to date someone. We are going to talk about this tomorrow, and I was wondering if you think that I am being selfish? Should I quit drinking to date him or is this a control issue (he does have other control issues as well)?

He has never had any counselling or AA, just quit cold turkey, and seems like he resents that I can drink and he cannot, like a dry drunk...behaviour still bad but just sober.
He is 39, never married, I am 36 and divorced.

Minx1969

Well..he's certainly abusive and he's not recovering if he has never gone to AA or had counselling..The anger and abuse are not necessarily because he doesn't drink..He is just an angry and abusive person.

So why are you staying? Why do you want a relationship with someone who is verbally abusive? You deserve better!!!

lostinabq

I guess I am staying because I have no family out here, all my friends are married and have no free time. We like to do alot of the same things, camping, hiking, etc. This all came about because last weekend he ditched me for dinner on Saturday because I sat down and had a glass of wine (around 5 in the eve) after breaking my back all day staining furniture. He just blew up and left. So instead of having dinner with me, he goes to the racetrack with his alcoholic brother (severe alcoholic). I guess I don't understand if he doesn't want to be around it, why then did he go out with him.

Minx1969

Ok..going to be a little blunt here..So you are staying because you are lonely?

Can't you join a hiking, camping club? We have lots of those here in Phx?

I'm 36 as well and I just met (about 1.5 months ago) a wonderful wonderful man..

what do you want out of life? What does that ideal relationship look like?

Nothing changes, if nothing changes..and he's not going to change..so do you want to spend the rest of your life dealing with his anger and abuse?

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt..now I'm on to bigger and much much better things..

walkingtheline

I'd bet a dog would be much better. You'd be loved unconditionally, he/she wouldn't care if you had a glass of wine and would love to hike and camp!

Cynay

Welcome to SR....

You know what.... look at it this way. What if you marry, would you want him to treat your children like that.... do you want to teach your son this is how to treat a women? or you daughter that its ok for a women to be treated this way? Sorry to be blunt but I have no heard the word love in there.... Sweetie that is no way to make a decision about spending the rest of your life with someone.

As for drinking wine... Im a wine nut myself and my ex-abf and I had the same issue. He could not be around me if I drank. But the one thing I have noticed is that other A's with years of sobrity dont have a problem with it. If my ex had approached me in a loveing manner and asked me not too drink there would have been no problem. But telling me is another issue ... that is controling.

minnie

He's abusive, has tantrums, a control freak and won't commit to a future with you? Sweetie, it's time you gave yourself some nurturing and set some boundaries here. You can learn how to do that at Al-anon meetings - he is an alcoholic whether sober or not.

You have been given some wise advice from my pals here. What do you think?

lostinabq

I agree. He does have several very bad qualities, undesirable for husband material anyway. He doesn't want children either, so he would expect me to give up having a family anyway. He has been stringing me along and when we initially met he had no problem with me drinking. After I fell for him is when all the crap started, isn't that always the case.

You are all correct. I don't like strife or name calling and horrible fights. If he doesn't get his way, that is how it ends up. I know he wants to still date me, but it is always on his terms.

BTW, I have two baby beagles and yes, they are better companions. I took this week off away from him and it has been real nice. I saved alot of money too, he expects dinner every night, but never pays for it. I don't eat very much and he ate like a pig! When I think about it, it was all one sided.

herewegoagain

Lost...I live in Albuquerque too !


First of all - I left a very emotionally abusive boyfriend after 7 long years. What your boyfriend is doing is emotional/verbal abuse - and NOT OK. Do you really want to marry someone that treats you that way and wants to control your life ? I guarantee that once you were to stop your hobby (making wine), he would just move onto something else to badger you about. Being miserable with someone just to be with someone is not living. You'd be much better off by yourself - at least you could pursue your hobbies as you please and in peace !

This is a great time of year in Albuquerque. You can go to the zoo, the aquarium....UNM has great continuing education classes that are low-cost and fun to take...there's also a recreation activities department that does things like kayaking, canoeing, and camping...great stuff ! In September the state fair will be here, and in October balloon fiesta will be here. Lots to do !

lostinabq

How about that! Well, I better be careful...you might know him! You know how small this town is! Yes, I like to do all those things, kayaking, etc. I golf too.....just hate doing stuff alone. I don't want to hang in there with him and have it turn into 7 years of this! I am thinking, fish or cut bait.

minnie

Hon, I always say to people, can you accept the situation as it is RIGHT NOW? If not, then you need to ask some very serious questions of yourself. You see, we can't change anyone else, we can only change ourselves.

I know how it feels to be doing stuff alone as I'm struggling with that at the moment. Al-anon can give you a way to meet new people and do some useful work on yourself.

Hope you stick around here too.

Cynay

Wow... there you go, see you reach out and BLAM... God gives you what you need when you need it. Have to love that!

Lost did you just read what you wrote????

What do YOU want... do you want a family? I can guarentee you that it will not get better only worse. It took me FOREVER (cuz Im still trying to get it) that when they are a dry drunk they are still the same as an active Alcholic.... the behavior does not change, now if that is true then I would have to think that the behavior is progressive as well. *shrugs* just a thought.

See now you have a friend in Albuquerque, and it sounds like lots to do there.... I suggest you broden your world and meet some nice people that not only have fun and love life, but dont try to control yours.... you only get one shot at this life hon, up to you to make it a good one.

Minx1969

Time to cut bait and move on!

Trust me..you are still young enough to have babies..I went through ALL that fear last year when I broke up with my exABF..My sponsor in Alanon made me take a year off of relationships (oh you should have heard me grumble...I'm 35..I don't have time to take off from dating..I'll never meet anyone..) Boy was I a whiner..Well..I wasn't ready to date then either..got my head straightened out in Alanon and met a wonderful respectful supportive guy.

Also I've got some great tools to make sure this new relationship will work..Alanon gave me that as well..

I just was at a point after my last alcoholic that I was happy to be alone..it was easier!

lostinabq

I have been handling the situation like this: When he is nice to me and pleasant, I do things with him. When he is a big ass, I just don't answer the phone and don't speak to him (we don't live together). That was ok for a while, because I would see him on my terms, as long as he is pleasant. This is more him telling me that he cannot date me anymore unless I quit drinking for him. It's his ultimatum. I haven't tried to change him at all, although it would be nice if he did, he is trying to change me.

herewegoagain

LOL I was just gonna ask you if you were dating my ex ! LOL But - he's older than yours, so you're safe.

In all seriousness, obviously I stayed WAAAAAAAAAAY too long and it did MAJOR damage to my self-esteem. But you know - being alone for a while was great ! I didn't enjoy every single minute of it, and there were times I felt incredibly lonely, but it was the very best thing I've ever done for myself. I went back to school, and eventually I met the man I'm married to. Is my marriage perfect ? Nope, not at all. But it's worlds better than the loser I *thought* I wanted to marry (who, BTW, didn't want children either and would also play games about marriage).

CatsTail

I think it's time to move and run like the wind.

Ngaire

chrisea

I ran from an active A ~ 1st xah, to a dry drunk A ~ 2nd xah, to dating & living w/ a dry drunk, to dating & living w/ yet another active A, that's my last XAbf... Hope it gets better for you. the 2nd xah, started with Rehab for over 90 days & AA, then He decided, HE didn't need it anymore, (after we were married, how convenient, huh)... He said he would do anything, for this marriage to work, Major... Yaking... Then I stayed for 12 years of this, no children (Thank Goodness, but did want them, at one time) He Always wanted His Way. NOW, HE can have his way, ALL the Time, lol. I know people, who are in good relationships (they aren't all this way). But it has to be a marriage of 2 givers, or you might as well pack ur bags... (or depending on the situation, have him pack & leave with his bags)
Besides Now, I think, being single is getting better all the time. I won't say never, but it's doubtful, unless an extraordinary guy comes along. Someone like one of my best friends has been married to, for over 30 yrs. I have been telling people, for years, I'd like to clone this guy a few million times. So other women could enjoy this.
Ditto! ~ I think it's time to move and run like the wind. I tried it, and really like it.

Daisy100

Dear lostinabq

I had relationship with recovering alcoholic, although stopped drinking fits the bill of a dry drunk. He too was very controlling - how i spent my money even though not living together, etc. Believe me, if its not one thing its another - its really all about control. I believe the problem lies in him, his insecurities. It took me a while to recognise what he was doing was abuse.
He goes to AA for last 6 years (not drinking but cross addicted on and off with cannabis) but he's still a dry drunk.

I realised I had fear of being alone. The relationship was emotionally confusing. I have no family, a few friends but really i'm having to learn to live with who I am now, its v painful at times. I do, all in all, feel more peaceful without him. I found it damaging to my confidence/self esteem.

I met him at a v vulnerable time in my life and am still vulnerable. I went to Alanon and this has helped to some degree. I now back away from relationships where i realise - oh, here we go again, the relationship is all on their terms. Its really unhealthy to pursue these relationships, ive realised for me, even if the lonliness can be painful, at least the time alone is on my terms. I take baby steps in my life. Ive got depression due to a number of reasons and this relationship affected me a great deal.

I notice a great deal of difference when I socialise with healthy people. I dont feel drained emotionally. Ive found this a great test in myself - if people are starting to drain me emotionally its not good for me, it just gets worse and worse with these types. I suppose im trying to take care of me.

Im not very happy at the moment but all in all its better than being around an angry/controlling man. Its sad really but I hope to meet someone one day who is kind. For the moment Im just staying single, im not ready to date again. I need to get stronger with myself and like my own company.

I have phases of going out and then not wanting to.


All the best.