Confrontation

Old 07-26-2005, 03:14 PM
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Confrontation

Hi all. I'm new here and just read the tea addict thread. If I don't get anything else out of this I've gotten a good laugh. I recently (last October) got involved with a very old flame from about 30 yrs ago. I loved him then and we dated on and off for about 8 yrs. I moved away, married 18 yrs, divorced, etc. then went back home last fall and he contacted me and we met one night and started a long distance romance. I'm in love with him again and now realize he's an alcoholic. I saw it coming for awhile but wasn't sure how bad it was until I was involved. I've already told him I can't become more involved unless he quits drinking. He is currently in prison (wasn't when I first got re-involved) for driving on revoked license. He was in 5 yrs ago for dwi. His current sentence is 2 yrs but he will probably only serve 5 months or so. He's already served 4 months and we've been corresponding and talking on the phone. I tell him that I love him and miss him. I tell him little things about my day. FYI, I don't drink. I don't not drink either. I have the occasional social drink. Maybe a glass or two of wine every two weeks or so. He has said he may quit. That was before he went in. I've never asked him to, only told him I won't become serious with him unless he does. I told him this once. I also asked him once if he thinks about quitting while he's in there and he aid no, he's just trying to cope with being there. I reminded him very briefly of my stand and he said "I know. I remember, hon." The other day I got a very short letter from him hinting at marriage with no mention of quitting drinking. It was not in the form of a question so when he called the next day I told him I thought the letter was very sweet but did not restate that I couldn't marry him if he didn't quit. I have a flight scheduled for shortly after he should be released. Now I feel not quite above board for not saying something about this. I posted this question on another board but didn't get any opinions, just some AA quotes. They don't give advice. I want to know if you all think it would be better to tell him now, while he's in prison, that I won't marry him unless he quits or if I should wait til he gets out and tell him face to face. Even if he did quit, I think I'd need to see if he could stick to it before I took a step like marriage. You see, I've really already told him how I feel and maybe I shouldn't repeat myself. I could turn it around and ask him if that means he's decided to quit, bringing it up after what I'd already told him. Or I could leave it alone entirely. In any case, I don't intend to drink with him or even go to a bar with him when I see him and I haven't told him that directly either. Any input welcome. Any questions, feel free. Thanks.
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Old 07-26-2005, 03:40 PM
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you said it once- he knows. he's probably in denial and if he can convince you to act like it ain't there -then it won't be there. but you don't need to repeat yourself- something about if you do you are probably saying it to convince yourself!!! so hold your ground and keep doing what you are doing for yourself!-there are 1 and one half billion men in the world-(i just read that last night in the getting them sober book) - surely he ain't the only fish in the sea. jmho.
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Old 07-26-2005, 03:51 PM
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I see some big red flags.

He's in prison. Kinda says "felony" to me. He will always face employment issues. And because it was driving related, will be be allowed to drive or whould you be signing on as the designated driver?

AA literature and sometimes meetings are often available in prison. Lots of religious organizations visit prisons. Has he taken advantage of what's been offered?

I suggest that if you see any relationship with this man you BOTH speak clearly. Anything less than that would simply be unfair. Honesty should prevail.

AND...

ACTIONS. Let his actions speak! Talk, as they say, is CHEAP.

And, I forgot...WELCOME! Make yourself at home!
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Old 07-26-2005, 04:04 PM
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I'd make a list of the things that you bring to the table and that he brings to the table. If he's an active alcoholic, he doesn't bring a whole lot. I'd suggest reading the sticky notes at the top of this forum so you understand what you're in for. Talk is cheap and manipulation runs freely. Do you want to knowingly take that on? What is it that draws you to him? It's well worth the exercise. It also only works if you are truly honest with yourself about why you have chosen him. Good luck!
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