Long Winded-seeking advice re: Mr. Moonlight
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Anaheim,CA
Posts: 549
Long Winded-seeking advice re: Mr. Moonlight
As you know, we've been seeing each other since February. We talk every day. See each other often...5 days a week maybe. After work, week-ends etc. He's so unlike anyone I've ever met I'm actually sometimes lost. I tried to put the formula together for you, this is what I came up with:
30% Willy Wonka
10% Charles Howard
5% Red Pollard
10% Tom Smith
25% Henry Ford
10% Billy Graham
5% James Dean
5% Peter Pan
Confused? So am I.
He's by far the smartest man I know. In fact, maybe the smartest I've ever met.
Let me start at the top of the list: He has the biggest sense of whimsy and often a child-like sense of joy and wonder. He does simple things in spectacular ways. (Willy Wonka) While we've done the "normal" date thing-movies, dinner, parties, Disneyland...we've also danced in the moonlight, explored every beach, tidepool and cave along the southern california coast, flown styrofoam airplanes by...and I'm serious...driving down a deserted road, getting the speed up in his car (convertable) and letting the airplane go. We've gone to playgrounds and swung high in the air, had a skipping contest and have watched the Disneyland fireworks from every hilltop, building roof and freeway he can dream up. My phone will ring after work and he'll say, "You ready to go?" I'll reply, "Go where?" Answer, "I don't know but it'll be FUN!"
All 3 characters from Seabiscuit have shades of him. Charles, inventor, kind, able to stay upbeat in the worst of circumstances and always optimistic and loyal. Like Charles, Moonlight man lost a child. Like Charles, he mourned, he remembers but continued in his life. Like Charles, he invents things...and patents them. Sells them. Then onto the next thing he can dream up. Tom Smith--an affinity for the downtrodden. Believes in sugar not vinegar. But wants truth and order. Red Pollard, grand stories. Loves deeply, feels greatly. It's better to break a man's leg than to break a man's heart.
He makes cars. Has a manufacturers license, makes specialty autos. Is the designer, mold maker, dreamer. Henry Ford said you could have a car in any color as long as it's black, he says you can have any color except lime green. Very very smart. Very very inventive.
He's so very christian. Walks the walk. Has an inner 'what would Jesus do?' running in his head. Studies bible daily. Prayers before meals. Is very happy to spread The Word.
James Dean? Small man. Animal magnitism, people are naturally drawn to him. And Mr. Moonlights best selling and favorite car he makes is loosely based on the Porshe 550..the car of Dean's demise.
Peter Pan...same as willy.
It's getting serious. We're beginning to struggle with the chastity. The sexual tension is rising, rapidly. He loves me. I have fallen for him. We now find ourselves speaking in terms of the future. He's kind, warm, mannered, supportive and peaceful.
We’ve had some differences and have been able to talk them out…sometimes finding common ground, sometimes agreeing to disagree. He’s not flawless and sorry to say, neither am I. But it’s good, it’s VERY good. So, you say to yourself, after all these words…WHAT IS THE QUESTION?
How long is long enough? I’ve always said, “at least a year”. Is that long enough? If he’s going to grow a third head -- What’s the timeframe to lose this feeling of he’s-the-best-man-I’ve-ever-met-when-can-I-relax-and-not-anticipate-being-mislead?
And BTW, he doesn’t drink except for an occasional glass of wine at a function and once we shared a margarita with a Mexican meal.
Experiences, thoughts, rules, anything you've got. I'm used to being treated poorly, so this is really ODD for me. *SIGH*
30% Willy Wonka
10% Charles Howard
5% Red Pollard
10% Tom Smith
25% Henry Ford
10% Billy Graham
5% James Dean
5% Peter Pan
Confused? So am I.
He's by far the smartest man I know. In fact, maybe the smartest I've ever met.
Let me start at the top of the list: He has the biggest sense of whimsy and often a child-like sense of joy and wonder. He does simple things in spectacular ways. (Willy Wonka) While we've done the "normal" date thing-movies, dinner, parties, Disneyland...we've also danced in the moonlight, explored every beach, tidepool and cave along the southern california coast, flown styrofoam airplanes by...and I'm serious...driving down a deserted road, getting the speed up in his car (convertable) and letting the airplane go. We've gone to playgrounds and swung high in the air, had a skipping contest and have watched the Disneyland fireworks from every hilltop, building roof and freeway he can dream up. My phone will ring after work and he'll say, "You ready to go?" I'll reply, "Go where?" Answer, "I don't know but it'll be FUN!"
All 3 characters from Seabiscuit have shades of him. Charles, inventor, kind, able to stay upbeat in the worst of circumstances and always optimistic and loyal. Like Charles, Moonlight man lost a child. Like Charles, he mourned, he remembers but continued in his life. Like Charles, he invents things...and patents them. Sells them. Then onto the next thing he can dream up. Tom Smith--an affinity for the downtrodden. Believes in sugar not vinegar. But wants truth and order. Red Pollard, grand stories. Loves deeply, feels greatly. It's better to break a man's leg than to break a man's heart.
He makes cars. Has a manufacturers license, makes specialty autos. Is the designer, mold maker, dreamer. Henry Ford said you could have a car in any color as long as it's black, he says you can have any color except lime green. Very very smart. Very very inventive.
He's so very christian. Walks the walk. Has an inner 'what would Jesus do?' running in his head. Studies bible daily. Prayers before meals. Is very happy to spread The Word.
James Dean? Small man. Animal magnitism, people are naturally drawn to him. And Mr. Moonlights best selling and favorite car he makes is loosely based on the Porshe 550..the car of Dean's demise.
Peter Pan...same as willy.
It's getting serious. We're beginning to struggle with the chastity. The sexual tension is rising, rapidly. He loves me. I have fallen for him. We now find ourselves speaking in terms of the future. He's kind, warm, mannered, supportive and peaceful.
We’ve had some differences and have been able to talk them out…sometimes finding common ground, sometimes agreeing to disagree. He’s not flawless and sorry to say, neither am I. But it’s good, it’s VERY good. So, you say to yourself, after all these words…WHAT IS THE QUESTION?
How long is long enough? I’ve always said, “at least a year”. Is that long enough? If he’s going to grow a third head -- What’s the timeframe to lose this feeling of he’s-the-best-man-I’ve-ever-met-when-can-I-relax-and-not-anticipate-being-mislead?
And BTW, he doesn’t drink except for an occasional glass of wine at a function and once we shared a margarita with a Mexican meal.
Experiences, thoughts, rules, anything you've got. I'm used to being treated poorly, so this is really ODD for me. *SIGH*
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Well, what can I say? Sounds like you've found yourself a gem.
I say go for it - providing you can keep up with your recovery tools. As long as you do that, you'll be fine whatever happens.
I am so happy for you!!
I say go for it - providing you can keep up with your recovery tools. As long as you do that, you'll be fine whatever happens.
I am so happy for you!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 928
Originally Posted by walkingtheline
I'm used to being treated poorly, so this is really ODD for me. *SIGH*
I can't say that I have fallen in love with him yet..I'd say that it is serious "like".
My guy is 95% of what I am looking for in a partner (o.k. so he's not too stylish and he hasn't travelled overseas extensively but these are way down on my list..) But here is what he is:
sweet, generous, giving, not an alcoholic, positive, happy, kind, patient, loving, sensative, honest (lots of integrity), FUNNY, romantic, understanding, compassionate, empathetic, spirtual..I could go on and on..He's healthy emotionally, financially, physically and spirtually. Didn't think guys like him existed (or that they are all taken) but I have one of my own. No red flags..I haven't spotted any and I'm not ignoring them if I do find any.
I have been struggling with a lot of fear since I met him..Like you I'm so to not having any of my needs met, it has been a struggle for me to just relax and enjoy him..
He has been so patient and understanding with how badly I've been hurt in other relationships..he hasn't pushed and is letting me be me (fears and all). He just stands back and tells me that he's not going anywhere and I can't push him away..(he understands me pretty well..)
Personally I think if since February Mr. Moonlights horns haven't come up, you probably have a pretty good indication. Any red flags at all? come on..you would know..
I'd say go for it..A year until what? A year until an engagement? If you are ready to be intimate and take that relationship to the next level then go for it..
For me, this relationship is different then any I've ever been in..there is no drama at all..it just feels so "right"..very comfortable..like we are best friends and I've known him forever..(but not in a codependent way..)
Keep posting and let us know what happens!
Del
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Anaheim,CA
Posts: 549
Any red flags at all? come on..you would know..
Seriously, have you discussed your hesitation with him? Does he understand where you are coming from? If you have, how did he react?
If you are ready to be intimate and take that relationship to the next level then go for it..
Job 31:1 "I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a girl."
And the year, in my mind, is before you do anything permanent. Engagement, marriage ect.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: over the rainbow
Posts: 487
Originally Posted by walkingtheline
be disrespectful to God?
Job 31:1 "I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a girl."
.
Job 31:1 "I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a girl."
.
well, i am not a preacher however, there is a difference between love and lust. and if you love him then being intimate and sharing your comfort with each other is a good thing-in my opinion. i am sure God wants us to Love each other.
now if it just lust-that is when you are just out to satisfy your own insatiable desires and not necessarily bringing the intimacy with it. - so it is not love.
maybe he could look up the song of solomon in the old testament- that is all about a man loving a woman.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 928
I can't quote the bible but there is a good section on the Big Book (page 69 ironically) that says:
"We asked God to mold our ideals and
help us to live up to them. We remembered always that our
sex powers were God-given and therefore good, neither to
be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised and loathed.
Whatever our ideal turns out to be, we must be willing
to grow toward it. We must be willing to make amends
where we have done harm, provided that we do not bring
about still more harm in so doing. In other words, we treat
sex as we would any other problem. In meditation, we ask
God what we should do about each specific matter. The
right answer will come, if we want it.
God alone can judge our sex situation. Counsel with persons is often desirable, but we let God be the final
judge. We realize that some people are as fanatical about
sex as others are loose. We avoid hysterical thinking or
advice.
"We asked God to mold our ideals and
help us to live up to them. We remembered always that our
sex powers were God-given and therefore good, neither to
be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised and loathed.
Whatever our ideal turns out to be, we must be willing
to grow toward it. We must be willing to make amends
where we have done harm, provided that we do not bring
about still more harm in so doing. In other words, we treat
sex as we would any other problem. In meditation, we ask
God what we should do about each specific matter. The
right answer will come, if we want it.
God alone can judge our sex situation. Counsel with persons is often desirable, but we let God be the final
judge. We realize that some people are as fanatical about
sex as others are loose. We avoid hysterical thinking or
advice.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
You ask if there are any red flags. I hate to throw cold water on your joy, but,..........
If he is as wonderful and marvelous and all the other goodies, why hasn't he been grabbed up long before now.
In other words what is all the "wonderful" etc covering up. I hate to say this, but now a days it is really advisable to do some checking. He may be for REAL but right now my alkie instincts (sober 24+ years now) say "con man" he wants something. What is his history? Have you checked at all what he has said about, where he's been, what he's done, his family, where he's worked, etc etc With all the things happening out there today, a girl (woman) cannot be too careful.
Enjoy, and I am happy for you, but knowing what you have posted and what you have been through, you may still be on the "rebound" and looking through some very "rose colored glasses."
You asked, JMHO. Take what you can use and leave the rest.
May God be with you WTL.
Love and (((((to all))))),
If he is as wonderful and marvelous and all the other goodies, why hasn't he been grabbed up long before now.
In other words what is all the "wonderful" etc covering up. I hate to say this, but now a days it is really advisable to do some checking. He may be for REAL but right now my alkie instincts (sober 24+ years now) say "con man" he wants something. What is his history? Have you checked at all what he has said about, where he's been, what he's done, his family, where he's worked, etc etc With all the things happening out there today, a girl (woman) cannot be too careful.
Enjoy, and I am happy for you, but knowing what you have posted and what you have been through, you may still be on the "rebound" and looking through some very "rose colored glasses."
You asked, JMHO. Take what you can use and leave the rest.
May God be with you WTL.
Love and (((((to all))))),
brightlight
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Detachment
Posts: 201
Then skip right past all that to marriage???? I waited for Mr. right who is Mr. Wrong, but was in my 30's when I married him. We did not wait for marriage and I reget that. He is the only man I have been with, but still I regret not waiting till we were married and not getting married in a church with a white dress. Somebody told me since I was OLDER then I should not wear white and I wore dark blue. I sure regret it now. Sounds perfect so far, why not make it perfect????
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
((((wtl))))
He sounds wonderful. Have you ever talked to one of his ex's? Does he speak well of them? Does he have other relationships with family and friends that are healthy?
Do you want a committed relationship with him? I think if you have waited this long you can wait for marriage.
I am happy for you. You do deserve to be treated well and that's the truth...
He sounds wonderful. Have you ever talked to one of his ex's? Does he speak well of them? Does he have other relationships with family and friends that are healthy?
Do you want a committed relationship with him? I think if you have waited this long you can wait for marriage.
I am happy for you. You do deserve to be treated well and that's the truth...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 928
Laurie,
You are so right..A friend of mine did some checking on a guy she was interesting and he was arrested for domestic violence...yet she continued to go on some dates with him anyway.
I can't respond for WTL but for my guy who is only 35..
1. did a through investigation on him..financially etc..he knows I did it as well..and he checks out..not even a speeding ticket. He wasn't even upset but understood what I was looking for..I told him he could check on me. He declined..said he didn't need to.
2. I met him through work and he is extremely well respected..
3. Meeting his parents soon and his ex-gf of 6 years (it was 6 years ago) that they broke up..
Obviously for me..it's a new relationship but I'm super cautious..he is as genuine as he seems..
He's just very selective on who he dates..He has slept with only a handle full of women in his life and each and everyone of them has been a relationship.
There are great guys out there..I just think the majority of us get jaded..
You are so right..A friend of mine did some checking on a guy she was interesting and he was arrested for domestic violence...yet she continued to go on some dates with him anyway.
I can't respond for WTL but for my guy who is only 35..
1. did a through investigation on him..financially etc..he knows I did it as well..and he checks out..not even a speeding ticket. He wasn't even upset but understood what I was looking for..I told him he could check on me. He declined..said he didn't need to.
2. I met him through work and he is extremely well respected..
3. Meeting his parents soon and his ex-gf of 6 years (it was 6 years ago) that they broke up..
Obviously for me..it's a new relationship but I'm super cautious..he is as genuine as he seems..
He's just very selective on who he dates..He has slept with only a handle full of women in his life and each and everyone of them has been a relationship.
There are great guys out there..I just think the majority of us get jaded..
Caring for the 3 little bears
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
First of all, does he have a twin?
Secondly, is the Willy Wonka, the Johnny Depp one or the Gene Wilder one?
WOW! Sounds like a dream come true.
Have you gotten to know his family/friends? That would be a good place to start.
I wonder if the sex thing could "take-over" as it sometimes does. Then those wonderful feelings your are having in this wonderful relationship could change into, "why did I" "is this all our relationship is?" blah blah blah.
I know so many people that once they started having sex, without marriage, the relationship went a different direction, and in most cases not a good one.
Why not get married?
And I agree with Minx's quote from the big book "God alone can judge our sex situation.... let God be the final judge." Maybe seeking some more information from the bible and from a pastor will help you with this decision.
He sounds like a wonderful man. I hope whatever you decide, will work out well for you.
Secondly, is the Willy Wonka, the Johnny Depp one or the Gene Wilder one?
WOW! Sounds like a dream come true.
Have you gotten to know his family/friends? That would be a good place to start.
I wonder if the sex thing could "take-over" as it sometimes does. Then those wonderful feelings your are having in this wonderful relationship could change into, "why did I" "is this all our relationship is?" blah blah blah.
I know so many people that once they started having sex, without marriage, the relationship went a different direction, and in most cases not a good one.
Why not get married?
And I agree with Minx's quote from the big book "God alone can judge our sex situation.... let God be the final judge." Maybe seeking some more information from the bible and from a pastor will help you with this decision.
He sounds like a wonderful man. I hope whatever you decide, will work out well for you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Originally Posted by laurie6781
You ask if there are any red flags. I hate to throw cold water on your joy, but,..........
If he is as wonderful and marvelous and all the other goodies, why hasn't he been grabbed up long before now.
In other words what is all the "wonderful" etc covering up. I hate to say this, but now a days it is really advisable to do some checking. He may be for REAL but right now my alkie instincts (sober 24+ years now) say "con man" he wants something. What is his history? Have you checked at all what he has said about, where he's been, what he's done, his family, where he's worked, etc etc With all the things happening out there today, a girl (woman) cannot be too careful.
Enjoy, and I am happy for you, but knowing what you have posted and what you have been through, you may still be on the "rebound" and looking through some very "rose colored glasses."
You asked, JMHO. Take what you can use and leave the rest.
May God be with you WTL.
Love and (((((to all))))),
If he is as wonderful and marvelous and all the other goodies, why hasn't he been grabbed up long before now.
In other words what is all the "wonderful" etc covering up. I hate to say this, but now a days it is really advisable to do some checking. He may be for REAL but right now my alkie instincts (sober 24+ years now) say "con man" he wants something. What is his history? Have you checked at all what he has said about, where he's been, what he's done, his family, where he's worked, etc etc With all the things happening out there today, a girl (woman) cannot be too careful.
Enjoy, and I am happy for you, but knowing what you have posted and what you have been through, you may still be on the "rebound" and looking through some very "rose colored glasses."
You asked, JMHO. Take what you can use and leave the rest.
May God be with you WTL.
Love and (((((to all))))),
Sorry; me, too.......same things I thought...............maybe just me,but my advice is take your time....lots of it. If he loves you; he will respect your wishes,if he doesn't....you don't need that, or at least I wouldn't. JMHO Enjoy; while you finding out about each other.........just keep your eyes,ears and mind in focus.............be cautiously optomistic.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: north carolina
Posts: 365
what scares me about me and future relationships is, i have said at the beginning of EVERY one, "this one is different" and it was--different relationship,different issues. i always vow not to make the same mistakes.to quit ignoring the red flags. to really get to know someone.....for quite awhile,before callling it love.to keep myself somewhat detached till we are both sure. as far as an intimate relationship goes, you yourself have to be ready for it. and that means, i guess in these times, being willing to take the risk of it,as far as what is in the future for you and he. it is so hard for me these days. i want to be the kind of person that takes things one day at a time. to be somewhat casual,and enjoy the person without too much seriousness,and thinking. i truly miss a man's company,a man's touch. but i honestly dont know if i can put myself thru all of it again.in the end, you will probably go with your heart. sometimes thats good, sometimes it doesnt work out. guess its all just part of life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Anaheim,CA
Posts: 549
His parents are dead. I've met his aunt who lives locally, his two sons and his sister. He speaks of his ex wife with regrets but always says, "she's my children's mom". She lives in VA.
I've met many of his friends, some date back to his school days, he was raised here in S. Cal.
The divorce was ten years ago. He got custody of his chidren, a 15 yr old, a 13 year old (boys) and a daughter, who was then 12. His x stated she couldn't "discover her true self" with the children. He was busy trying to figure out how to parent and keep working (too many hours) and later, had a relationship with a woman named Sue. About a year after their break-up she died in a car accident. Her two children (grown) stop by and see him from time to time. He feels he was an okay parent but also says he "gave in" too easily, he thinks he could have done a better job.
I checked to see if he had a criminal record at our local courthouse, the only thing that came up is he had 2 prior tickets for speeding. I showed him how to use annualcreditreport.com and saw his scores. (the three ranged from 670 to 710)
It's the "good" that frightens me. If he were an A, THAT would be familiar, this is very new to me. He's VERY respectful. There's no pressure. I am certainly NOT ready to marry him, live with him or anything of the sort. I LIKE the one year rule and am not even sure THAT's long enough. I have always thought one needs to see them "normal", during holidays, under stress and everything in between to honestly KNOW someone.
The no sex thing has been refreshing but the "want" of it is difficult. It's an odd balancing act. He speaks so openly and is so willing to discuss almost anything that I HAVE become convinced that he understands the difference between intimacy and sex.
I appreciate all the opinions, thoughts and questions. It gives me new perpectives and questions to ponder. I always worry I'm not seeing the forest because of all the trees or missing something that later on I'd realize was important.
I've met many of his friends, some date back to his school days, he was raised here in S. Cal.
The divorce was ten years ago. He got custody of his chidren, a 15 yr old, a 13 year old (boys) and a daughter, who was then 12. His x stated she couldn't "discover her true self" with the children. He was busy trying to figure out how to parent and keep working (too many hours) and later, had a relationship with a woman named Sue. About a year after their break-up she died in a car accident. Her two children (grown) stop by and see him from time to time. He feels he was an okay parent but also says he "gave in" too easily, he thinks he could have done a better job.
I checked to see if he had a criminal record at our local courthouse, the only thing that came up is he had 2 prior tickets for speeding. I showed him how to use annualcreditreport.com and saw his scores. (the three ranged from 670 to 710)
It's the "good" that frightens me. If he were an A, THAT would be familiar, this is very new to me. He's VERY respectful. There's no pressure. I am certainly NOT ready to marry him, live with him or anything of the sort. I LIKE the one year rule and am not even sure THAT's long enough. I have always thought one needs to see them "normal", during holidays, under stress and everything in between to honestly KNOW someone.
The no sex thing has been refreshing but the "want" of it is difficult. It's an odd balancing act. He speaks so openly and is so willing to discuss almost anything that I HAVE become convinced that he understands the difference between intimacy and sex.
I appreciate all the opinions, thoughts and questions. It gives me new perpectives and questions to ponder. I always worry I'm not seeing the forest because of all the trees or missing something that later on I'd realize was important.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by escape artist
well, i am not a preacher however, there is a difference between love and lust. and if you love him then being intimate and sharing your comfort with each other is a good thing-in my opinion. i am sure God wants us to Love each other.
now if it just lust-that is when you are just out to satisfy your own insatiable desires and not necessarily bringing the intimacy with it. - so it is not love.
maybe he could look up the song of solomon in the old testament- that is all about a man loving a woman.
now if it just lust-that is when you are just out to satisfy your own insatiable desires and not necessarily bringing the intimacy with it. - so it is not love.
maybe he could look up the song of solomon in the old testament- that is all about a man loving a woman.
and there is a difference between doing things God's way and doing things with our own opinion.
I happen to be a lic. minister and in school for full ordination.
Walkingthe line.
The length of a courtship is not set in stone.
Where you are both thinking in terms of what God wants, the next step I would recomend would be locating a preacher that does a premaritail class. Such a class, if given correctly will help you both grow in understanding of what you each want out of a marriage and it will help you grow in understanding of what God wants out of a marriage. You could take the class as a learning tool and talk it over between the both of you at it shall be a learning tool...nothing implied by the class name.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
Irene....how I feel for you at this moment.....Yes, there are always 2 sides to the coin but remember what we always hear and tell the "newbies" TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS (your gut.) Everyone has baggage and as you pointed out you are both over 50 so it is expected. If you are still questioning the sex part of the relationship, then wait a bit longer. There is a REASON that you feel hesitant...I am so happy that you have found someone to love and that treats you well....you WILL know when the time is right....and it will be well worth the wait....Hugs....
Love, Patty
Love, Patty
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