escape artist

lately when i talk to him- the beginning of any of our conversations-i will say something- like "I feel....." or ask a simple question like "so how many nites are you spending at the bar these days?" and he jumps and yells, "i don't want to argue about it!" hey i don't want to argue about it either- happy drinking hon! drink your brains out!

i don't know if he is overreacting to something he is expecting from me, or if it is his part of the script he is stuck in even though i don't think i am participating in it anymore. maybe i am still participating in it.

i have lately stopped most contact with my alcoholic father and he seems to have gotten the point. so i am considering that maybe i should stop all contact with my AH for awhile.

i left for a week with the kids and without him as i just couldn't stand to be here anymore. he called me everyday. the conversations are not even conversations. he said he was trying to make conversations, but they sounded more to me like he was grilling me about what we had been doing. i even asked him, "why are you asking me these questions?" "i'm trying to make conversation"
he sounds so ...dead.

well, i don't want to think about it too hard anymore, but i am just wondering if he is beginning to crack with the realization that he may need to look at his own actions or if he is just going insane. i don't know.

walkingtheline

I'm not sure if I were in your shoes I'd ask about his drinking. With A's, I think drinking is binary..they either do or don't. Numbers don't seem to matter.

But I am curious...have you decided what it is YOU want? Where do you want this to go?

JessicaNAJ

Don't waste your energy wondering what he's thinking or doing. or you will drive yourself insane. One thing I've learn and still continue to witness, is that nothing they do make much sense at all. Continue doing what your doing.

I get to go away for a week in August and I CAN"T WAIT!!!!

minnie

That sounds like a challenge to me - the prelude to a fight.

escape artist

yeah, i guess it was- i had called him because he asked me to and then when i did call he told me he was at the bar on a monday nite- so i was rather surprised- this bar is 30 minutes away and he doesn't drive after he has been drinking-and you know he would have to be at work the next day. so- it may have been seen as a challenge although i really was wondering how many nites he was spending at the bar lately-guess it is none of my business huh? but i told him that no i didn't want to argue with him. then said happy drinking!

walking- i don't know what i want. some days are better, some days i want him back no matter what- but then i try to bargain- ok he can come back but no more drugs at my house. -yea right. and then well if he comes back now, he will have full reign and drink to his delight and probably be even worse- and i am afraid that i will then utterly self-destruct.
so i am just trying to go one day at a time and get to a better place with myself - before i decide what i want to do about him. and then maybe he won't even want to come back- why should he? he has no responsibilities to anyone - barely touches base with the kids- he is shrouded with his drinking cronies and alcoholic family- and we don't have the money straightened out-we are still using the same checkbook. i am still managing our money. i know i need to cut him loose, but i don't have any other means of support yet, and i just can't give up that control yet.
cause when we split it-it ain't gonna be pretty for me and the kids.

i have been trying to bide my time and leave it in the hands of my HP cause evidently everything i try to grasp is slipping out of my hands as far as trying to generate income. it is strange. i do know that i don't want to ruin my credit so i am unwilling to let go until i Have something to count on.

so sometimes i wonder if this break-up was premature for my sake. but the ball is rolling regardless.

Beautiful

I'd say it was a challenge to ask about the bar thing, too. I'd say try to visualize what your life would be like in five years. If he died tomorrow, what would it look like? Then form a plan and execute the plan. If he decides to get it together, great. If not, you are on your way living your life for you. Either way, you'll be on your way to living the way you'd like to live, for you, for your children, and maybe, if he's lucky, with him.

escape artist

that's funny that you said that beautiful, because this morning as i was out working in the yard i kept telling myself- he's dead. trying to put myself in a different state of mind about him or have a different perspective for my life as if he was dead. he's dead. then the girls came out and said he was on the phone- and i was kindof perplexed-you mean he's not dead? yep - i am moving through the day one moment at a time. this will get better..this will get better!
maybe a flood of pent up emotions from the rollercoaster ride i have been on- and so many things that i have to consciously stop thinking about- the big one is be deceived. or betrayed. and if you could think of the worst thing he *may* have done that you did not know about - the deception and betrayal of his alcoholism is still the main thing. any other deceptions and betrayals that he might have done just fall behind that one. this is painful. but i do catch myself and think- this is not my concern-that is his side of the street-and i have no control of it-so i need to let it go.

Beautiful

I think it's hard because each person doesn't want to be the "dummy", the one who got "duped" into this disaster of a train wreck. That's sometimes what surfaces with me. Keep going -- it gets better with time.