How many of you have stayed in your marriage after so much pain?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Syracuse, New York
Posts: 21
How many of you have stayed in your marriage after so much pain?
Hi Everyone!
How many of you have stayed in your marriage even after so much pain? I'm trying to decide if I should stay with my husband of 20 years or get a divorce. The lies, the adultry, the sleepless nights... I attend Al-Anon and pray, and read every book I can get my hands on about alcoholism, but I'm so lost. I love my husband so much, but I just don't think I can continue like this. I feel like the devil is living inside of him. I try so hard to get past the numerous affairs and the constant lies. I wish a miracle would occur. Those of you who are sober have so much to be proud of. Your families are so lucky to have the REAL you in their lives. I feel like I don't even know the man I married any more. I hope someone out there can shed some hope as to the possibility of recovery for my husband and getting past the years of terror. Thanks for listening! Suzie
How many of you have stayed in your marriage even after so much pain? I'm trying to decide if I should stay with my husband of 20 years or get a divorce. The lies, the adultry, the sleepless nights... I attend Al-Anon and pray, and read every book I can get my hands on about alcoholism, but I'm so lost. I love my husband so much, but I just don't think I can continue like this. I feel like the devil is living inside of him. I try so hard to get past the numerous affairs and the constant lies. I wish a miracle would occur. Those of you who are sober have so much to be proud of. Your families are so lucky to have the REAL you in their lives. I feel like I don't even know the man I married any more. I hope someone out there can shed some hope as to the possibility of recovery for my husband and getting past the years of terror. Thanks for listening! Suzie
You're never alone!!
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 2,191
Hi Suzie, WELCOME to the newcomers forum..
I have to say that I don't know if anyone here can or will tell you if divorce is the answer, or if staying is the answer. I will though tell you that you need to do what's best for yourself. You need to take care of yourself, after 20 years of putting up with all the problems you have, now is the time to stop, and take care of only you..
We can not know if your husband will ever change. If he will ever have it in him to do all it takes to find true recovery.
Just know that the things he does do, he is not necessarily doing to hurt you. He is an alcoholic? A active alcoholic I take it? When we are in active addiction, we aren't thinking right. We are totally selfish. Our drug is the MOST important thing in our life. Not necessarily because we want it to bbe that way, but sometimes because we can't seem to find a way to handle our life, clean and sober. We numb ourselves, so we don't have to deal with life.
I loved my kids and sometimes my husband, but I jus couldn't find it in myself to get the help I needed. I needed to hit my bottom, the worst I could possibly feel, before i truly searched for help.
I wish you the best. You can only do one thing to help yourself, and that's to care enough about YOU to do what YOU have to do, to be happy. Don't equate him in that question. He is out making himself happy, now it's time after all these years for you to take care of yourself, and your family, if you have kids.
This is how I feel about it.. He will change and find recovery, only when he's ready.
Good luck, I'll add you to my prayers tonight.
If you haven't already, hop on over to the friends and family of alcoholics board. They can give you their strength and hope
You can do this... Love, Becky
I have to say that I don't know if anyone here can or will tell you if divorce is the answer, or if staying is the answer. I will though tell you that you need to do what's best for yourself. You need to take care of yourself, after 20 years of putting up with all the problems you have, now is the time to stop, and take care of only you..
We can not know if your husband will ever change. If he will ever have it in him to do all it takes to find true recovery.
Just know that the things he does do, he is not necessarily doing to hurt you. He is an alcoholic? A active alcoholic I take it? When we are in active addiction, we aren't thinking right. We are totally selfish. Our drug is the MOST important thing in our life. Not necessarily because we want it to bbe that way, but sometimes because we can't seem to find a way to handle our life, clean and sober. We numb ourselves, so we don't have to deal with life.
I loved my kids and sometimes my husband, but I jus couldn't find it in myself to get the help I needed. I needed to hit my bottom, the worst I could possibly feel, before i truly searched for help.
I wish you the best. You can only do one thing to help yourself, and that's to care enough about YOU to do what YOU have to do, to be happy. Don't equate him in that question. He is out making himself happy, now it's time after all these years for you to take care of yourself, and your family, if you have kids.
This is how I feel about it.. He will change and find recovery, only when he's ready.
Good luck, I'll add you to my prayers tonight.
If you haven't already, hop on over to the friends and family of alcoholics board. They can give you their strength and hope
You can do this... Love, Becky
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: California
Posts: 972
I stayed in my first relationship about 10 years too long.. I suffered, hated myself, thought I was ugly, thought I was old, thought I was boring, thought there must've been something wrong with ME that made my alcoholic husband have affairs and not care one bit if his words or his actions hurt me. He definitely became distant and indifferent towards me and was nothing like the man I married. I began drinking way too much as well, isolating and acting like the beaten down, lifeless and insecure woman I was. I had zero self esteem and I began to look to other men for my security and to at least get some gratification that I was "wanted" by someone! The weird thing about my relationship was that a year after I left him he was diagnosed with terminal cancer and I did come back and nurse him until his death 7 months later... It was then that he was able to learn what love was. It was all so sad but I am grateful for the closure I had with him before his death... About a year after he died I found some writings to his lover and one of my "good" friends!!! Then I got mad at him all over again. I've got a few years sober now and I am now able to put him and the pain he caused me into the past tense, but sometimes it still hurts.
I wish I would've seen the handwriting on the wall but I didn't. I "put up" with his chit thinking he would change and instead he just got worse. I believe that because I put up with his initial affairs and drunkeness he thought I was stupid and worthless... at least that's how he treated me.
I wish I would've seen the handwriting on the wall but I didn't. I "put up" with his chit thinking he would change and instead he just got worse. I believe that because I put up with his initial affairs and drunkeness he thought I was stupid and worthless... at least that's how he treated me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Syracuse, New York
Posts: 21
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I do have two daughters - 9 and 11 years old. I'm trying so hard to be strong for them and to show them that we deserve better treatment. But then I'm confused because I know alcoholism is a disease and shouldn't I honor my vows and be here for my husband? He is now living with his mother and just started another job. I pray he can keep this one! He says he's not drinking, but I find bottles of vodka hidden in interesting places after he's been here. I told him the other day on the phone that his actions are not speaking loud enough for me to believe that he has stopped drinking. I requested that he not visit us until he gets sober and does something with his life. It's so hard not seeing him.
Twenty years of loving someone is hard to stop. I wish I didn't love him so much. I wish he loved only me and not the other woman he hooks up with.
I guess I just don't understand what God's plan is for me. I thought he put me here to be a soulmate to my husband. No matter how many meetings I attend, I just don't know if I could go through with a divorce. My sister is concerned that if I stay married to him, and he drinks and drives and then kills someone, that I would be held liable to cover the expenses of a possible law suit. The thought of that scares me so much. I'm so glad to have found this forum. It makes life a bit easier knowing that you are all there.
Thanks so much!
Suzie
Twenty years of loving someone is hard to stop. I wish I didn't love him so much. I wish he loved only me and not the other woman he hooks up with.
I guess I just don't understand what God's plan is for me. I thought he put me here to be a soulmate to my husband. No matter how many meetings I attend, I just don't know if I could go through with a divorce. My sister is concerned that if I stay married to him, and he drinks and drives and then kills someone, that I would be held liable to cover the expenses of a possible law suit. The thought of that scares me so much. I'm so glad to have found this forum. It makes life a bit easier knowing that you are all there.
Thanks so much!
Suzie
Jack
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Pocono Mts. of PA
Posts: 115
Miracles do happen
Hi Suzie....miracles do happen in AA every day. Men and women who seemed helpless, hopeless, morally and spiritually bankrupt can recover from this disease. To me, whether the substance abuse, lies, cheating etc. lasted for 2 months or 20 years it is possible for that person to turn his life around.
Unfortunately for the really hard core abuser he or she must hit a bottom so low he has no where else to go, no one to turn to, no girlfriends or parents to enable him, no resources and so homeless and destitute he goes to AA which will give anyone 40 million 2nd chances. There are plenty of chronic relapsers, and we chronically give them 2nd chances.
The question should not be how many stayed in that type of relationship. Numbers are meaningless. The question should be how much harm are you doing yourself and your family by allowing him to do this to you? What incentive does he have to really change really change from the person he's become after 20 years to the person you want him to be?
What example are you setting your children? What will you do if in 20 years one of your kids comes to you with the same problem? How will you answer? Not being able to decide and waiting and praying for a miracle to happen is fine but the Big Book of AA says "Faith without works is dead."
Foe the sake of your children I hope and pray you do the right thing for everyone.
God bless
Unfortunately for the really hard core abuser he or she must hit a bottom so low he has no where else to go, no one to turn to, no girlfriends or parents to enable him, no resources and so homeless and destitute he goes to AA which will give anyone 40 million 2nd chances. There are plenty of chronic relapsers, and we chronically give them 2nd chances.
The question should not be how many stayed in that type of relationship. Numbers are meaningless. The question should be how much harm are you doing yourself and your family by allowing him to do this to you? What incentive does he have to really change really change from the person he's become after 20 years to the person you want him to be?
What example are you setting your children? What will you do if in 20 years one of your kids comes to you with the same problem? How will you answer? Not being able to decide and waiting and praying for a miracle to happen is fine but the Big Book of AA says "Faith without works is dead."
Foe the sake of your children I hope and pray you do the right thing for everyone.
God bless
You're never alone!!
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 2,191
Great words of advice Jack.....
I am only putting this out there, this isn't necessarily how i feel, because I
would not tell anyone what to do in this case. But you say, you married him, shouldn't you honor your vows. Has he honored his vows? I believe that god accepts divorce in the bible for adultery...
I wasn't aware you had 2 daughters from your first post. That kind of puts a different lite on things. You need to do what you believe is best for the kids. Is showing them that staying married to a man who treats you as he does, showing them the right thing? Is it showing them that when they grow up, it's ok for them to stay with someone who treats them badly? I believe we learn what we lived.......
Having kids really does put a different spin on things, as far a I believe. I would not want my daughters to live with someone who basically is mentally abused my their husband like you are.
But.... As I said these are my views and I would not tell someone to stay or leave. It is an individual thing. My husband stayed through years of it, but that was a few years of me really battling against it.. I just wasn't capable at the time yet of truly getting help. But I knew it was wrong, and I was attempting through treatments and detoxes.
I honestly told my husband that if I did no make it through my last treatment, I could not live that way anymore, I could not go through another treatment, and I could not put my family through it anymore. I have so far done well. I have been clean since April 6th. I do live for today, as far as my drug addiction is concerned. I have a strong belief in god also. That is getting much stronger as time has gone by... I need him to help me. I can not do this on my own, but my husband can NOT do it for me either. I have to really want to stay clean. It's only up to me. My husbands support has been very good for me too. But without my strong desire, I could not do this...
I wish you the best..
Love, Becky
I am only putting this out there, this isn't necessarily how i feel, because I
would not tell anyone what to do in this case. But you say, you married him, shouldn't you honor your vows. Has he honored his vows? I believe that god accepts divorce in the bible for adultery...
I wasn't aware you had 2 daughters from your first post. That kind of puts a different lite on things. You need to do what you believe is best for the kids. Is showing them that staying married to a man who treats you as he does, showing them the right thing? Is it showing them that when they grow up, it's ok for them to stay with someone who treats them badly? I believe we learn what we lived.......
Having kids really does put a different spin on things, as far a I believe. I would not want my daughters to live with someone who basically is mentally abused my their husband like you are.
But.... As I said these are my views and I would not tell someone to stay or leave. It is an individual thing. My husband stayed through years of it, but that was a few years of me really battling against it.. I just wasn't capable at the time yet of truly getting help. But I knew it was wrong, and I was attempting through treatments and detoxes.
I honestly told my husband that if I did no make it through my last treatment, I could not live that way anymore, I could not go through another treatment, and I could not put my family through it anymore. I have so far done well. I have been clean since April 6th. I do live for today, as far as my drug addiction is concerned. I have a strong belief in god also. That is getting much stronger as time has gone by... I need him to help me. I can not do this on my own, but my husband can NOT do it for me either. I have to really want to stay clean. It's only up to me. My husbands support has been very good for me too. But without my strong desire, I could not do this...
I wish you the best..
Love, Becky
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Syracuse, New York
Posts: 21
You are all so wonderful!!! I just came back with my girls from our long walk we take each evening. You are so right. What would I say or do if one of them came to me in 20 years with this same situation? I pray that NEVER happens!!! I would not wish this life on anyone! I do need to live my life and demonstrate to my girls that we are worthy of love and respect. I do worry that they think that all men are hurtful. I worry that they will shy away from men because of what they have seen. At least they know I tried so hard to work at this marriage. Thanks again for your wisdom!
Suzie
Suzie
You're never alone!!
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 2,191
You have a good solid head on your shoulders. You knew what was right. I really think you just needed someone to validate your feelings. Tell you that you were ok if you did separate, or even divorce him. That is all your decision, I believe you made it before you even came to SR. I do hope though that you do also check out friends and family of alcoholics. You may need some more support as you go through the next weeks or months. This group is really wonderful. I definately feel blessed for having found SR..
Good luck, and god bless, Love, Becky
Good luck, and god bless, Love, Becky
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