jordan1980

Here we go again. My RAH and I were having some terrible marriage issues about 5-6 months ago. Things got better and we were getting along great for some time. But here we go again...............the only time I see him is when he walks in the door from work, to the shower and then out the door to a meeting!!Every friggin day!! I know that he needs AA, and all of his friends.....but he is never home. I guess it wouldn't be so bad if we didn't have 2 young sons.....once again I am starting to feel like a single parent.
I spoke to him about it this earlier this week, and he said ok then I will spend Saturday night at home with you and the boys. Well it's Saturday night, he left for a 7pm meeting, came home at 8:30 with a friend, and asked me if I minded if they went to the AA Club to play some pool. Of course he asked right in front of his friend!! While gritting my teeth I said fine, but also suggested that he take our eldest son so they could spend some time together. Well his friend so nicely had to point out that bringing kids there is "frowned upon!!!" So here I am once again, alone!!

Man........... and I thought his once a month night binge was bad!!!!!!!!!

I know, I know.......but I am just sooooo utterly FRUSTRATED!!!

minnie

You don't need to do that. It doesn't matter whether he has a friend there or not. You had an agreement and you are perfectly entitled to ask him to stick to it. I find that it is important to be honest in my dealings with people and to say what I want without being nasty about it. It took a long time to get to this place and I still struggle often. It gets easier as time goes by.

splendra

You know I can see going to 90 meeting in the first 90 days or even for the first 6 months but, after that life goes on....and it seems that one could start cutting down on the number of meetings especially if one has a family.

I agree with minnie....you he had an agreement that he was going to hang out with you and the kids. He brought someone home with him so he could get out of the agreement cause he knew you wouldn't say anything in front of his friend. How did he know you wouldn't say anything about your agreement in front of someone? Sounds like you are helping him keep the wall up.

What are you going to do about it? You are letting him get away with shrinking from his responsibility to his family. Speak up girl at this point what have you to loose?

Beautiful

I'm going through some of that right now but he doesn't choose meetings, he chooses gardening. It's tough. My heart goes out to you but I do have to agree with Minnie and Splendra -- a deal's a deal.

historyteach

I am learning alot recently about resentments.
I know, for ME, I have too often participated in the behavior that leads to my resentments. Is it possible that you did the same, by saying "fine," while gritting your teeth and expecting what he promised? I mean, it really wasn't fine, was it?
Thanks for bringing this up. It's another learning opportunity for me.
Shalom!

FriendofBill

Read the chapter "To Wives" in the Big book of Alcohlics Anonymous. You will see that they address this.

You had an agreement, he wedged out, but you did not stand up to enforce it. THats your responsiblity.

Please, also remember, he is still a newly recovering person and he needs to interaction with fellow AA's for his survival. Give it time,,,this phase in his recovery doesnt last forever, but it is absoultey essential to him staying sober. Im sure you wouldnt want him back the way he used to be, right?

There is a solution....you must be a part of it,,so stand up, calmly, kindly and remind him of his agreement. Maybe another night is better, an afternoon,,,anything,,just keep working the lines of communication.

jordan1980

I just wanted to stop by and say thanks to all who replied. I got some really good advice. I know that I should have stood up and said "No you can't go you promised to spend some time with us tonight!" I didn't of course.
I know that we are at the point now that I am going to need to speak up, or he is going to go right back to the point last year where I never ever saw him...and my 3 year old even asked "has Daddy moved away?" I am going to talk to him tonight...of course I only have a window of like half an hour cause when he gets off work he has to go to his step meeting. I think that he took the day off tommorrow...maybe I will wait till we have a bigger window of opportunity.

I know that I need to speak up because AGAIN I am beginning to feel like a single parent, and it is driving a huge wedge between us (my fault I need to speak up!!)

Thankx to everyone, your posts really helped me see.

ASpouse

My thought here is the meetings are 1 hour. My husband also comes home most nights takes a shower, goes to a meeting then comes home. Many times he volunteers for AA things, but always fits his family in.

I think you are being jealous of AA and his AA friends. Take an interest in AA, go to Al Anon and live life for you. It will all come together, give it time.

Not for nothing but this .......

does not exist within the AA community. I checked with several folks who have been in AA for as long as 40 years and as little as 2 years .... they have never heard of an AA Club to play pool. I think he is pulling your leg...... sorry!

jordan1980

Well he is actually not pulling my leg...I have been there many times actually. We are in Canada...maybe in the US you don't have AA clubs, but here they are all over the place. The one he frequents is The Easy Does It Club. They hold meetings there, and there is a pool table, dart boards, music, and alot of stuff for then to keep themselfs busy on weekend evenings.
As for me being jelous of AA...I am not jelous of AA. I think that it is great that he has found people and a program that helps him stay clean and sober. My only problem is that he has engulfed himself in it...and he has no time for his family. I know that he needs to balance this and I am going to speak to him tonight or tommorow.
Thankx for the advice

ASpouse

If he is newly recovering, then his behavior is normal. It takes a few years to level out and find a happy medium.

AA is not supposed to interfere with work or family life. If it does, he isn't working the program properly and should speak to his sponsor about it.

Girlfriend

Hi Jordan,

I've had friends that have become sober and then for atleast the first year, they're really involved in meetings and keeping busy.

I know when I quit drinking 11 years ago, I went back to college and kept myself really busy with that.

They say that addicts will switch from one addiction to another. Could be from a bad one (ie: alcohol) to a positive one (ie: meetings), but their personality is like that. Still to this day, I still find myself getting involved heavily in what ever I'm doing at the time whether it's volunteering with teens or work.

It does become more of a grey area after awhile. Not so black and white.

Communication is the key!

((hugs))

pmaslan

Hi Jordan...I was thinking the same thing that Girlfriend said.....hang in there.....
Love, Patty