Hello, I am new too

Old 07-23-2005, 07:59 PM
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Hello, I am new too

It is Saturday night and I just arrived at home with my husband. I just drove my husband and I from a house warming party. I really have no choice about the driving because my husband just got his second DWI. When we pulled into the driveway we began to argue about something. Lately it is always something... I can understand why he would get frustrated with me being on him all the time about his drinking. I absolutely hate being the "annoying wife". I just feel if I do not take control he will self destruct. He actually did a year ago and admitted he needed help. I was ready, willing, and able to help him. He began to seek help in different ways but never once attended an AA meeting. I try to encourage him to go but he always had an excuse.
Well it has been a year now and he has a second DWI, and we are expecting our first child. As I write my husband has finished four beers. He makes me very sad because he tries to sneek them into the other room. ( he always thinks I am not aware of his actions). Is he sneeking them because I have caused him to behave this way? I just feel that he is going to self destruct again this summer. He is drinking more often and I am so tired of commenting about his increased consumption. I am finding that there is never a good time to talk about anything going on in our lives because he just does not want to deal with it. I am also tired of hearing that hopefully this "child" will change him. So, am I supposed to wait 3 months to see??? Thank you for reading.
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Old 07-23-2005, 08:11 PM
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I don't think the baby is going to change things, it might make things worse. having a child is one of the more stressful life events though it is joyful, very life changing. It seemed like my AH drinking got worse after we had our child. I hope it doesn't in your case. I dont think it was necessarily the baby, but just the progression of the disease. Alcoholism really sneaks up on you, very insidious.


Anyway, remember you cannot control him, that is the hard part for the person closest to the alcoholic. It is all up to him. Remember these three sayings:

You didn't cause it.
YOu can't cure it.
You can't control it.

It sounds like he is still in denial. Just because someone says they are an alcoholic does not mean they are ready for help. Also just because someone says they want to get better doesn't mean they are ready to get better either.

I've been going thru this w/my AH. He has left inpt. rehab twice and just got kicked out of outpt rehab. Right now he is living in an apt away from us. I just cannot live w/the drinking anymore.

Wish I could sound more hopeful to you. Alcoholics do try to hide their drinking and they hate anyone who tries to control. My AH and I used to get into more fights over his drinking. I got so sick of seeing him passed out on the floor. Just the thought of it now brings back terrible feelings. It really tore our marriage apart. I am at the point of wondering if it is even salvagable.

Welcome to the forum and good luck w/your pregnancy. I loved being pregnant. I have a beautiful 14 month old boy who is into absolutely EVERYTHING, he never stops moving except to sleep!!
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Old 07-23-2005, 08:23 PM
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Dorsey,

I am so glad you joined us. Have you considered Al Anon? It is really something when you can make friends with people who are going through the same things you are. Also...pick up a copy of "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. She writes like she is peeking in your windows. Seriously...you will be floored!

This is a difficult situation and the more support you have for yourself the better. Over time you will learn that you can't change him so allowing him to make his own choices is the the only choice you are left with.

Make yourself at home...the light is always on.
Hugs,
JT
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Old 07-23-2005, 09:19 PM
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Welcome (((((((((((Dorsey)))))))))))))

No advice, just wanted to say welcome.....this is a great place.
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Old 07-23-2005, 09:33 PM
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test
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Old 07-23-2005, 10:02 PM
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Hello I just wanted to say hi! hang in there. Having kids didn't help us in any way as time progressed so has his drinking. As the new stresses of family life came on so did the drinking. That doesn't mean it will happen in your marriage.
But I do know that it isn't your fault and know that you can't fix it or change it either by comfronting him or nagging him. I had to learn that the hard way as I am sure most people do. I know it is difficult and may get worse before it gets better as I am going through some of the worse hanging on the hope for the better that is to come. I don't have much more advice, sorry about that.

I do encourage you to hang in there and I'll be praying for you as I have started praying for all of the people I am meeting here!
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Old 07-24-2005, 12:54 AM
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Welcome Dorsey. You've got some great advise already.

I just feel if I do not take control he will self destruct.
You can't control his drinking, nor can you cure it. And you certainly don't cause it with being the "nagging wife" although I bet he tries to make you feel that way. The most loving thing we can do for someone is allow them to hit their rock bottom. This is the only way that they will admit they need help and be ready to receive it. As our friend on SR, nocellphone, says - "If I get between someone and their bottom, I just end up getting crushed".

Get some help for you - al-anon meetings, SR, books. Information is key and there is plenty of it out there.

Good luck

Minnie
xxx
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Old 07-24-2005, 05:48 AM
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No he's not sneaking because you caused him too, he's sneaking because he is an alcoholic.


Keep coming and sharing.

Ngaire
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Old 07-24-2005, 08:02 PM
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Thanks all!!!
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