SuzieA

Hello Everyone! I've never done this before. I'm not sure how to do this computer communication. Forgive me if I'm not doing this correctly! Well, I'm hoping that you might be able to help me. I've gone to Alanon for 18 months and my husband attends AA meetings and has gone to rehab as well. We have been married for 20 years and he has been with at least 6 woman in the past 7 years. He continues to drink, has lost so many jobs, including his license to practice medicine, our daughters have lost all respect for him as well. He now lives with his mother and I just don't know if I should end this marriage. He tells me he loves me, but seems to find other woman more attractive. He says that's all part of the disease of alcoholism. Is this true? Does alcoholism drive people to commit adultry? Any ideas or thoughts for me? Thanks so much for your time. SuzieA

minnie

Hi there Suzie, and welcome to SR.

As you will have learnt in Al-anon, you can't control your hubby's behaviour, whether it is drinking or cheating.

All part of alcoholism? Cop-out, imo. An alcoholic is an alcoholic, a cheater is a cheater. Some alcoholics may be cheaters, but it is a separate thing.

Do you have a sponsor in Al-anon? I hope so, because a good one will help you unravel your thoughts on this. It really comes down to whether cheating is a deal-breaker for you.

Come down and join us on the Friends and Family of Alcoholics board. That's where those of us affected by another person's drinking hang out.

Love

Minnie
xxx

michski

Hello Dear Susie,

Being a drunk doesn't make you a cheater.. sounds to me like he enjoys going to bars and pretending he's single. Hope he uses some sort of protection against sexually transmitted disease... if he doesn't it could mean irreversible problems for you when/if he decides to come home and be YOUR man again. Take care of YOU first sweetie!

Lots of good support here at SR, hope you get the advice you need.

jbm125

Hi Susie, the blunt truth is you can't stop your husband from drinking or cheating.
#1 Drinking has damn little to do with cheating. Even **** faced drunk no one forgets he's been married for 20 yrs.
#2 Cheating has damn little to do with drinking.
I'd say he has little if any respect for himself, you, his family or anyone. Going to rehab and attending AA meetings doesn't mean a thing if he's not changing.
AA is a program of change. AA teaches a way to lead a sober, responsible life without booze or drugs. Step 2 says "Came to believe a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." RESTORE US TO SANITY! Meaning that now our actions are insane.
Do you treat people you love with such disrespect? How important is your happiness and the happiness of your children? Would you and they be better off without him?
That's a decision you need to make. Maybe it's the 'wake-up call' he needs.
God bless

nocellphone

Hi, SuzieA...

I'm not sure what the answers are for the situation you laid out, but I know that you might find some support on the Friends & Families forum. You'll find some other Al-Anons there (myself included) who understand what it's like to go through the discomfort you've described.

Personally, I think that using "Well, I'm an alcoholic and this is just what we do" as an excuse is pretty sad. There's a difference between excuses and reasons; alcoholism may well be the reason for his infidelities, but it certainly does not excuse the behavior... at least in my opinion.

If I went around hurting people like I used to and said, "Hey, sorry--I'm an Adult Child of alcoholics. That's what we do. Deal with it!", what would that say about the state of my recovery? I have enough amends to make over my old behaviors. I don't need to keep adding more to the list!

I hope you'll stick around...

Peace!

SuzieA

Thank you all so much for responding to my situation. My Alanon group doesn't know how to help me deal with the many situations my husband has put our family through. Our pastors have been so baffled by the terrible things he has done. They feel our marriage is a one sided marriage since I'm the only one working at it. My husband says that I drive him to do these things and I know that those are his ways of not stepping up to the plate and putting blame on someone else for his poor choices. However, I took my vows 20 years ago, in good times and bad. I'm afraid that God will be angry with me and think that I did not stand by his side. My husband tells me that if he had cancer I wouldn't throw him out. He's very good at making me feel guilty. My alanon group gave me courage to sell our home and move to a small home near the school that I teach at. They also gave me strength to ask him to move out. He calls me and begs to come back and then will call and ask for a divorce when he's seeing another woman. He says he hates the way I look because I work out every day and he can't stand the muscles I have on my body. He says no man wants to be with a woman who looks like me. I'm so down and trying so hard to stay up for my girls. I've never missed a day of work through all of the terror he has put us through. I even received a phone call at school on Valentine's Day from a former parent of two students I had a few years ago. He informed me that my husband was having an affair with his wife. She was one of his patients at the time. That is when he had his medical license. My principal had to pick me up off of the floor and help to calm me down. So many phone calls from boyfriends and husbands telling me what my husband was doing. My neighbors finally told me that he had been bringing women to our home during lunch. I just couldn't clean the house enough. I felt so so dirty. So used. So betrayed. I gave myself to him, body and soul 20 years ago and this is how my life has been. I want my girls to respect me. I don't want them to think that I gave up on their father. I know that they have seen me try everything to work with him. The lies are just so out of control. He goes to AA and claims to be sober. But then I find Vodka bottles. He tells us that we are setting him up and putting the bottles there. I feel like I'm going crazy! Sorry for going on. I have so much "STUFF" running through my head 24 hours a day. I get about 2 hours of sleep each night. Thank goodness my exercising keeps me going. Thanks again for listening. Suzie

lulu70

Suzie--I don't mean to sound harsh, but I think your daughters would be much more likely to lose respect for you if you stick with this guy, whether he is their father or not. Do you want them to grow up thinking this is the way men are supposed to treat women? What if one of them was in the same situation and was being emotionally abused by an alcoholic husband? Would you tell your daughter she should "stand by her man"? I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. I can't imagine having committed myself for such a long time to someone who obviously had no thoughts of anyone but himself. Hang in there. I truly believe you deserve better.

Hugs--

steve11694

Has he told you that he loves you dearly BUT has the need to have sex with a different person sometimes?

There are some people (women as well as men) who have this need. It should be open and honest on the table.

If his behavior is NEW, and concurrent with alcoholism, then I would say it may be out of his voluntary control.

My wife (the alcoholic in our family) did not undergo a change, she underwent "metamorphasis" with alcoholism for the last 8 months or so. She had no problem chatting with various male admirers while in our home with me present. This represents a completely different person.

splendra

Hey ((((Suzie)))

The question I have to ask is what are you gettig out of having a relationship with him? I guess you need to believe your H's BS.

The pain you are in is coming thru loud and clear. Don't get a divorce if you like the situation you are in. If you feel you have brought about his drinking and cheating then maybe you need to stay involved with him and see how much farther down you and he can get together. Maybe this is what love is to you and him. I mean who are we to point out that you can choose something else? Some people need to see themselves as a victum and maybe you are one of those people.

You talk about God being mad at you, He might well be mad but, maybe not for the reason you might think....I suppose that some people can only learn what they need to know thru being in pain are you one of those people? Maybe God is a little jealous of the false idol(your husband) you are worshiping. He might be a little peturbed that you are choosing to roll in cr@p and make a mockery out of love by calling what you are doing love...tisk tisk girl. Wake up.

Another thing nobody can make you feel you allow that to happen. It doesn't sound to me like he has you roped and tied to him at least not phyiscally. In your situation there are no victums only volunteers...

doorknob

The Great Sky Fairy may be jealous! Seriously though, I'd be hittin' the road. You gotta do what you need to do for you.

Doorknob

Irish Virus

Suzie:

I know this is a bad situation for you and having marital difficulties are tough. Getting a divorce is not as easy as some people make it out. The vows were for better or for worse, not for better or through a living hell. Since you wanted opinions, I'll give you mine. Divorce this bum!!!

He tells you "no man wants to be with a woman who looks like me" And the neighbors tell you "that he had been bringing women to our home during lunch". He's completely out of line and him using alcoholism as an excuse is bull$hit. He didn't break your vows he shattered them to smithereens.

Alcoholism doesn't have a damn thing to do with infidelity. I'm a drunk so I can speak with some authority on this matter. I could have screwed around when I was sober as a judge and there have been a few barfly temptresses when I was drinking as well. But I didn't cheat.

It's your decision on whether or not you divorce him. But do not kid yourself that with him being sober will stop his Bill Clintonesque behavior.

God Bless.

shockozulu

For better or worse? Does that include when he drags your name through the mud? Where I come from, even my most religious friends (Catholics, Mormons, Jehovah Witnesses, Baptists etc) all agree that a man having multiple affairs is a legit ground for divorce.

Luckyv2

OMG Suzzie I don't understand why women stick with guys like that, it just blows my f***en mind. I know that if I was drinking or using I might have behaved that way, not proud of it don't get me wrong, but sober and in the program, that is not what I would call right. I don't believe that he is in it for recovery if he is still stepping on toes, especially his wifes OMG I feel for you so much. I don't have any advice but I do know what I would have done a long time ago.

Love Vic

undrunken

I would only add that the sexual misbehavior of your husband can be arrested and controlled through the same process that it will take to get him sober. You kill two birds with one stone if you insist that he does both. Sexual compulsions for some are as addictive as alcohol is for us. Others have gambling addictions or other indefensible thrill-seeking self indulgences. Your husband seems to have at least two. Both must be overcome. In that respect I agree with the most assertive of your husband's antagonists. I just wanted to offer the point of view that either addiction is reason enough to leave, but both can be conquered through daily action and heartfelt commitment and prayer from your husband. I'd tell him to get it done for himself and help him if you are so inclined. It is your choice. He'll need lots of work in steps one through four.

nocellphone

Welcome, undrunken! Thanks for your eloquent and insightful post...

undrunken

Feeling eloquent and insightful I reread your second post more carefully, Suzie. Eeeewww, my goodness. He has some nasty defenses going on there. I can see why some contrition on his part would be helpful to you and to himself. He sounds pretty bad, but there were some pretty bad ones who made it into the success stories of the Big Book too.

Thanks, Nocellphone, for the warm welcome. I love being in this crowd.

God Bless you Suzie

nocellphone

Hey, now! Let's not let it go to yer head...!

MNGirlyGirl

you've got to be kidding.

steve11694

When he is loaded, send a pre-op transexual into his bedroom.. hopefully the rest will be history.

SuzieA

I couldn't find this thread for so long - Glad I was able to read the additions from August. Thank you so much for all of your wisdom. Update on my situation. I have told my husband that he will have no contact with us until after the holidays. He continues to live with his mother and she enables him. We've found many bottles over the past few months when he would visit us each weekend. Either in bushes near my back door or in the engine area of his car, etc. I just couldn't allow him to do this to us any more. It is difficult to go without hearing from him. I do worry about him. Will that ever change? I wonder if he ever thinks about us or is he just out having a grand old time with the bottle and other women. At times I have such bad nightmares - I wake up so upset. I just can't stand the thought of this person I put my heart and soul into for so many years, just casting us aside with no regard. Do you think my daughters will grow up with the fear of getting married? I wouldn't blame them if they felt this way. Most of their lives they've only seen unbelievable behavior from their father.
Do any of you have any positive life experiences regarding moving on without your spouse and life DID turn out better? Being alone is so stressful. Although, living with an active alcoholic who commits adultry is worse!!! Thanks again for your thoughts.
Suzie