sons death wish
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Toledo, Ohio
Posts: 27
sons death wish
My son is 19.
I Had to throw him out when he was 18 because he refused to work, wanted to come and go as he pleases, and steels from us to support his addictions.
He has been homeless since he left because he refuses to work. He attitude is that he cannot work because he preferres to get wasted.
He wanders from place to place just looking for a place to hang out and catch a buzz. He has no true friends just partying buddy's.
I have watched him hit bottom over and over but this time he's not coming back up.
He told me that he doesn't deserve a better life than he has and wants to die. He says he hates being alive and has had enough.
His addiction problems have been going on for 4 years now and I have had him in rehab many times and have had him thrown in jail several times and have taken advice from any doctor, judge, police, teacher or anyone that would give it to me. Now that he's over 18 I have no control and cannot stop him from destroying himself.
I need to know if there comes a time when you should stop using tough love and start taking care of someone when you are worried that he might get too drunk and fall asleep out in the 20 degree weather and never wake up because he has no where to stay?
I'm afraid if I don't take care of him that he'll do somthing stupid like that.
He is clearly depressed and destroying himself.
Any advice?
I Had to throw him out when he was 18 because he refused to work, wanted to come and go as he pleases, and steels from us to support his addictions.
He has been homeless since he left because he refuses to work. He attitude is that he cannot work because he preferres to get wasted.
He wanders from place to place just looking for a place to hang out and catch a buzz. He has no true friends just partying buddy's.
I have watched him hit bottom over and over but this time he's not coming back up.
He told me that he doesn't deserve a better life than he has and wants to die. He says he hates being alive and has had enough.
His addiction problems have been going on for 4 years now and I have had him in rehab many times and have had him thrown in jail several times and have taken advice from any doctor, judge, police, teacher or anyone that would give it to me. Now that he's over 18 I have no control and cannot stop him from destroying himself.
I need to know if there comes a time when you should stop using tough love and start taking care of someone when you are worried that he might get too drunk and fall asleep out in the 20 degree weather and never wake up because he has no where to stay?
I'm afraid if I don't take care of him that he'll do somthing stupid like that.
He is clearly depressed and destroying himself.
Any advice?
Guest
Posts: n/a
Hello Davidsmom,
Your post brought tears to my eyes because I have been where you are. I am posting a link here to my post when I was asking the same question. I hope it helps. It helped me. It didn't solve the problem, but I helped my son and it was what I needed to do for myself at the time.
When I think my son is close to death, I help him. That's just my opinion. I just feel that tough love is not good if they're dead. When he is strong enough I send him back out again. He is out there homeless right now. If I think he's going to die I will help again. I do set boundaries though and don't let him use when he is in my home. It's a hard decision. Only you can make it. You know him better than we do.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...p?threadid=393
Hugs,
MG
Your post brought tears to my eyes because I have been where you are. I am posting a link here to my post when I was asking the same question. I hope it helps. It helped me. It didn't solve the problem, but I helped my son and it was what I needed to do for myself at the time.
When I think my son is close to death, I help him. That's just my opinion. I just feel that tough love is not good if they're dead. When he is strong enough I send him back out again. He is out there homeless right now. If I think he's going to die I will help again. I do set boundaries though and don't let him use when he is in my home. It's a hard decision. Only you can make it. You know him better than we do.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...p?threadid=393
Hugs,
MG
Grace Under Fire
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Another world
Posts: 536
David's Mom,
I wanted to welcome you, and I'm so
glad you found this website. My heart
goes out to you, just know that we are
here for you. My sons are both addicts
and one is in jail right now. I know
the fear of feeling my kids are going to
die from their addictions or getting
killed hanging with a very rough crowd.(My
oldest son was shot in a fight.)
Though they have never said they wanted
to die, their actions seem to be saying
just that.
M.G.'s thread is excellent, and will give
you some feedback.
My prayers are with you and your son.
Keep coming back, you don't have to do
this alone!
Hugs,
I wanted to welcome you, and I'm so
glad you found this website. My heart
goes out to you, just know that we are
here for you. My sons are both addicts
and one is in jail right now. I know
the fear of feeling my kids are going to
die from their addictions or getting
killed hanging with a very rough crowd.(My
oldest son was shot in a fight.)
Though they have never said they wanted
to die, their actions seem to be saying
just that.
M.G.'s thread is excellent, and will give
you some feedback.
My prayers are with you and your son.
Keep coming back, you don't have to do
this alone!
Hugs,
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Davidsmom
It is so very hard to watch them destroy their lives. I know that my son has told me that there were times that he didn't want to live, and I am fortunate that those were the times he was most likely to get help. The thing is we don't know. The risk of losing them to this disease is very real, however we are powerless over that too.
Like MG, I would probably take an extra step if I thought he was truly suicidal, and yet I know most addicts hit this bottom more than once and survive.
One of the finest recovering addicts I know, who now speaks at NA conferences, tells the story of walking down the street on the way to his dealers, and praying to God to either save him or let a truck jump the curb and kill him. Well, he got knocked down by a bus and the man who picked him up and helped him to his feet was on the way to an NA meeting and took him along. The rest is history and he has been clean 18 years.
We can't change their disease, and we can't change the way they think. We can only pray for them and work on our recovery to give us the strength to get through this.
My prayers are with you and you son.
It is so very hard to watch them destroy their lives. I know that my son has told me that there were times that he didn't want to live, and I am fortunate that those were the times he was most likely to get help. The thing is we don't know. The risk of losing them to this disease is very real, however we are powerless over that too.
Like MG, I would probably take an extra step if I thought he was truly suicidal, and yet I know most addicts hit this bottom more than once and survive.
One of the finest recovering addicts I know, who now speaks at NA conferences, tells the story of walking down the street on the way to his dealers, and praying to God to either save him or let a truck jump the curb and kill him. Well, he got knocked down by a bus and the man who picked him up and helped him to his feet was on the way to an NA meeting and took him along. The rest is history and he has been clean 18 years.
We can't change their disease, and we can't change the way they think. We can only pray for them and work on our recovery to give us the strength to get through this.
My prayers are with you and you son.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Davidsmom,
My son is an alcoholic and has been out of our house for about 7 years. Last winter he was homeless...like you discribe. Looking for a party and a place to crash. Somethimes I know he has slept outdoors.
I am wondering the same things that you are right now. When to help. I say on this board all the time that there are no rights and no wrongs. Just do what you feel is right at the time.
For me, if I offered help it would be with boundaries. Stiff boundaries and strict rules. If he could not follow them that would make it his choice. Saves me the grief of deciding for him.
I will say that today I make decisions based on ME not him. When he is making an attempt I will be supportive. If is isn't I will not support the disease. And I also try to not cause myself regret. If there is something I can do that realistically might help, or keep him warm, or feed him or let him know I love him I do that. By the way...alot of us moms have made the Walmart run and gotten coats and gloves for them. That's something we CAN do and still keep our boundaries.
Best of luck to you...and come back here...we know what you are going through!
Hugs,
JT
My son is an alcoholic and has been out of our house for about 7 years. Last winter he was homeless...like you discribe. Looking for a party and a place to crash. Somethimes I know he has slept outdoors.
I am wondering the same things that you are right now. When to help. I say on this board all the time that there are no rights and no wrongs. Just do what you feel is right at the time.
For me, if I offered help it would be with boundaries. Stiff boundaries and strict rules. If he could not follow them that would make it his choice. Saves me the grief of deciding for him.
I will say that today I make decisions based on ME not him. When he is making an attempt I will be supportive. If is isn't I will not support the disease. And I also try to not cause myself regret. If there is something I can do that realistically might help, or keep him warm, or feed him or let him know I love him I do that. By the way...alot of us moms have made the Walmart run and gotten coats and gloves for them. That's something we CAN do and still keep our boundaries.
Best of luck to you...and come back here...we know what you are going through!
Hugs,
JT
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Toledo, Ohio
Posts: 27
You guys are great!
I may not have anymore answers than I did yesterday but it gives me unbelievable comfort to know that there are other people out there that have not only been through what I've been through, but that take the time to share their stories.
I feel so much pain and am sure that all of you have spent many, many nights just like I have wondering if your child is dead or alive.
Its like watching someone die from a terrible disease and not being able to help.
Do you ever wonder if your children are mentally ill? That maybe there is some underlying cause that makes them do what they do.
What would make someone rather live on the streets and go hungry than to act like "normal" people who go out and get a job and support themselves. I've known alcoholics and drug addicts that at least keep a roof over their heads.
Do you feel that all your kids have some severe depression going on? If so then how do you make someone understand or recognize their depression so that they will try and get treatment for that?
Oh, and by the way, I've spent my time in walmart too!
I also have my own parking space down town where I spent a lot of time in the courts, jail and probation office. The parking lot guy and I know each other by our first names.
Thanks again
Davidsmom
I may not have anymore answers than I did yesterday but it gives me unbelievable comfort to know that there are other people out there that have not only been through what I've been through, but that take the time to share their stories.
I feel so much pain and am sure that all of you have spent many, many nights just like I have wondering if your child is dead or alive.
Its like watching someone die from a terrible disease and not being able to help.
Do you ever wonder if your children are mentally ill? That maybe there is some underlying cause that makes them do what they do.
What would make someone rather live on the streets and go hungry than to act like "normal" people who go out and get a job and support themselves. I've known alcoholics and drug addicts that at least keep a roof over their heads.
Do you feel that all your kids have some severe depression going on? If so then how do you make someone understand or recognize their depression so that they will try and get treatment for that?
Oh, and by the way, I've spent my time in walmart too!
I also have my own parking space down town where I spent a lot of time in the courts, jail and probation office. The parking lot guy and I know each other by our first names.
Thanks again
Davidsmom
Guest
Posts: n/a
Hi Davidsmom,
My son is 28 and I've spent years trying to help him recognize his depression. He recognizes it, but is not ready to face the pain yet so he drinks the pain away. I thought for years that he was mentally ill, but then when he stayed here and was sober for about 3 months he was wonderful and just as normal as can be. As soon as he drank again he seemed mentally ill again immediately. It was very sad to spend some time with him healthy and then lose him to this insanity again.
We all get through the days together. Welcome to our family. I haven't heard from my son for several days and I'm worried, but doing much better than ever before. He is up in the mountains where it is freezing. Leave it to my son to go there when he is homeless. I just keep praying.
Hugs,
MG
My son is 28 and I've spent years trying to help him recognize his depression. He recognizes it, but is not ready to face the pain yet so he drinks the pain away. I thought for years that he was mentally ill, but then when he stayed here and was sober for about 3 months he was wonderful and just as normal as can be. As soon as he drank again he seemed mentally ill again immediately. It was very sad to spend some time with him healthy and then lose him to this insanity again.
We all get through the days together. Welcome to our family. I haven't heard from my son for several days and I'm worried, but doing much better than ever before. He is up in the mountains where it is freezing. Leave it to my son to go there when he is homeless. I just keep praying.
Hugs,
MG
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Toledo, Ohio
Posts: 27
I cry over ever reply I got.
What horrible pain you and others have had to go through.
The only people that truly understand this feeling are the ones that have had to go through this.
You are a stong person to be able to handle this for so long. I only pray that I can keep my son alive as long as you have.
Thank you for welcoming me to your family. I get very little or no support from my family and friends because they just see this as a cut and dry thing, he'll either get it together or he won't.
These people of course are the ones lucky enough to be able to tuck their children in bed at night in their nice warm rooms.
Any other information or bits of wisdom that you or anyone else has please let me know.
Thanks again,
Davidsmom
What horrible pain you and others have had to go through.
The only people that truly understand this feeling are the ones that have had to go through this.
You are a stong person to be able to handle this for so long. I only pray that I can keep my son alive as long as you have.
Thank you for welcoming me to your family. I get very little or no support from my family and friends because they just see this as a cut and dry thing, he'll either get it together or he won't.
These people of course are the ones lucky enough to be able to tuck their children in bed at night in their nice warm rooms.
Any other information or bits of wisdom that you or anyone else has please let me know.
Thanks again,
Davidsmom
Member
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Butler Pa
Posts: 77
Hi Davidsmom
Welcome to the best support and comfort a suffering mother can get.
I am another one of the moms here. My daughter is a heroin addict and is presently in jail awaiting sentencing and forced treatment for her drug problem.
Tonight she called me and was actually laughing and having a good time at the old jail. She said "Mom it's not so bad." They had a talent show tonight and she performed and thoroughly enjoyed herself. It was wonderful to hear her sound like a real human bean. She told me she loves me. I think that she is finally after 11 weeks in jail having some health. She is attending Bible study and trying to help some other addicts. She and her cellie are praying and thanking God daily for helping them with the craving.
I share this only because today. .it is good. . today. I like the other mothers have been down the road of HELL with the pain of not knowing our loved child is alive, dead. .or what. I have been recently thinking about how I fear death for my child. I realize I have given that fear alot of my energy and power. We all have to face death. .and although addiction is deadly when I give into this fear I empower it and I get crazed. .Does anyone else see what I am saying.
Anyway. .welcome again Davidsmom. MG sending a hug.
God Bless all suffering moms of addicts. Mo
Welcome to the best support and comfort a suffering mother can get.
I am another one of the moms here. My daughter is a heroin addict and is presently in jail awaiting sentencing and forced treatment for her drug problem.
Tonight she called me and was actually laughing and having a good time at the old jail. She said "Mom it's not so bad." They had a talent show tonight and she performed and thoroughly enjoyed herself. It was wonderful to hear her sound like a real human bean. She told me she loves me. I think that she is finally after 11 weeks in jail having some health. She is attending Bible study and trying to help some other addicts. She and her cellie are praying and thanking God daily for helping them with the craving.
I share this only because today. .it is good. . today. I like the other mothers have been down the road of HELL with the pain of not knowing our loved child is alive, dead. .or what. I have been recently thinking about how I fear death for my child. I realize I have given that fear alot of my energy and power. We all have to face death. .and although addiction is deadly when I give into this fear I empower it and I get crazed. .Does anyone else see what I am saying.
Anyway. .welcome again Davidsmom. MG sending a hug.
God Bless all suffering moms of addicts. Mo
Guest
Posts: n/a
Hi Mo,
I'm so happy to hear the good news about your daughter. If she is doing this now then she should get a lot out of the treatment center.
We have a post going on the naranon board that Pernell posted. I think it's called substance addiction. We have started a discussion about the fear of death crazies. Hope to see you both over there.
Hugs,
MG
I'm so happy to hear the good news about your daughter. If she is doing this now then she should get a lot out of the treatment center.
We have a post going on the naranon board that Pernell posted. I think it's called substance addiction. We have started a discussion about the fear of death crazies. Hope to see you both over there.
Hugs,
MG
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Toledo, Ohio
Posts: 27
I sit and read a lot of things people write. A lot of do's and don't to help alcoholics.
Things like:
Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events.
Detatching.
Letting them be responsible for their actions.
Not doing for them what they can do for themselves.
I read these types of things and they make me cry because I don't have the strength to do them. They sound right for someone elses child but not for mine.
I've always got to be in their trying to fix the situation. Trying to get him to get help. Trying to get him help that he doesn't want.
Trying to pick up the pieces. If i can't "fix" things my heart aches like i was going through it myself. I feel the pain that i think he feels, I feel the fear that I think he feels.
I keep saying that my son is only 19. He just doesn't know how to fix things.
He's got me convinced that he's off in the head. That he can't think right. And I'm afraid if I'm not always standing there with a bunch of solutions he won't be able to do it himself.
Does any of this make any sense?
Davids Mom
Things like:
Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events.
Detatching.
Letting them be responsible for their actions.
Not doing for them what they can do for themselves.
I read these types of things and they make me cry because I don't have the strength to do them. They sound right for someone elses child but not for mine.
I've always got to be in their trying to fix the situation. Trying to get him to get help. Trying to get him help that he doesn't want.
Trying to pick up the pieces. If i can't "fix" things my heart aches like i was going through it myself. I feel the pain that i think he feels, I feel the fear that I think he feels.
I keep saying that my son is only 19. He just doesn't know how to fix things.
He's got me convinced that he's off in the head. That he can't think right. And I'm afraid if I'm not always standing there with a bunch of solutions he won't be able to do it himself.
Does any of this make any sense?
Davids Mom
Guest
Posts: n/a
David's Mom,
It takes lots of practice. I feel the same way you do. I have told myself that it would be easier on me if I was going through it myself instead of watching my son go through it.
We want to protect and keep them warm and kiss them and make it all better. The problem is that it doesn't work. We do the same thing over and over and it doesn't work. I spent years trying. He is in the same place that he was when we started.
I know how you feel and you're are not going through this alone. My son is homeless right now and I haven't heard from him in a week. I don't even know where he is and can't contact him. It hurts so bad sometimes and I worry so much, but there is nothing I can do. I can pray for him and hope he is ok.
Hugs,
MG
It takes lots of practice. I feel the same way you do. I have told myself that it would be easier on me if I was going through it myself instead of watching my son go through it.
We want to protect and keep them warm and kiss them and make it all better. The problem is that it doesn't work. We do the same thing over and over and it doesn't work. I spent years trying. He is in the same place that he was when we started.
I know how you feel and you're are not going through this alone. My son is homeless right now and I haven't heard from him in a week. I don't even know where he is and can't contact him. It hurts so bad sometimes and I worry so much, but there is nothing I can do. I can pray for him and hope he is ok.
Hugs,
MG
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Toledo, Ohio
Posts: 27
Homeless??????
This homeless thing has me really confused. Where I live, in Ohio, the homeless are a bunch of old dirty men who have no family's and no one that loves them.
I just can't comprehend what it would be like to not have a bed to go to at night. A nice warm place to get away from the world. My own food! A TOILET !
I have always heard that the homeless people want to live the way they do. Who would want to live that way? Or maybe the question should be, "who in their right mind would want to live this way?"
Even most dogs have a better life than this. I can understand being a drunk but not being homeless. What gives?
MG,
My heart goes out to you. I feel the same pain as you do. Its that not knowing what is going on that kills you. Your imagination can really mess your mind up.
You have him pictured all curled up in a corner somewhere, outside, hungry, scared and alone.
It will tear your heart out.
A week is a long time in our situation. I hope you hear from him soon.
It won't give you a lot but it will give you a little peace.
The biggest gift we can have is to know that their just alive.
Let me know if you hear somthing.
Davids mom
I just can't comprehend what it would be like to not have a bed to go to at night. A nice warm place to get away from the world. My own food! A TOILET !
I have always heard that the homeless people want to live the way they do. Who would want to live that way? Or maybe the question should be, "who in their right mind would want to live this way?"
Even most dogs have a better life than this. I can understand being a drunk but not being homeless. What gives?
MG,
My heart goes out to you. I feel the same pain as you do. Its that not knowing what is going on that kills you. Your imagination can really mess your mind up.
You have him pictured all curled up in a corner somewhere, outside, hungry, scared and alone.
It will tear your heart out.
A week is a long time in our situation. I hope you hear from him soon.
It won't give you a lot but it will give you a little peace.
The biggest gift we can have is to know that their just alive.
Let me know if you hear somthing.
Davids mom
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Davidsmom,
I know what you are talking about...the pictures in your mind. I have been at this a while and really have managed, at least today, to not go there. When my mind wants to go there I try to be aware of the pain it causes me. Going to bed is the worst and I will take something to sleep when my mind goes there. After all he has no clue that I am thinking this way and it does not help. It only hurts...me.
Another of those places I try not to go is back to when he was born. I am sure you know what I mean. That can break my heart faster than anything.
I don't think you can will it to go away. My son has been out of the house much longer than yours. I have been where you are...so maybe it is the length of time that has alowed me to acheive some control over what I allow myself to think about. Personally I think it is sad that I have to do that...but I hurt my self less.
Very likely it is a grief process...grief over a "Leave it Beaver" type of life. I remember very clearly, before my son moved out, that suddenly I felt like we were living like "trash". It was likely my very first moment of clarity. There is grief over the dream.
Hugs,
JT
Anyway... it's a goal.
I know what you are talking about...the pictures in your mind. I have been at this a while and really have managed, at least today, to not go there. When my mind wants to go there I try to be aware of the pain it causes me. Going to bed is the worst and I will take something to sleep when my mind goes there. After all he has no clue that I am thinking this way and it does not help. It only hurts...me.
Another of those places I try not to go is back to when he was born. I am sure you know what I mean. That can break my heart faster than anything.
I don't think you can will it to go away. My son has been out of the house much longer than yours. I have been where you are...so maybe it is the length of time that has alowed me to acheive some control over what I allow myself to think about. Personally I think it is sad that I have to do that...but I hurt my self less.
Very likely it is a grief process...grief over a "Leave it Beaver" type of life. I remember very clearly, before my son moved out, that suddenly I felt like we were living like "trash". It was likely my very first moment of clarity. There is grief over the dream.
Hugs,
JT
Anyway... it's a goal.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Hi Davidsmom
I have been off the boards much of this week and am just catching up. Something you said, touched my heart about suggested actions for us to take..."they make me cry because I don't have the strength to do them"
Neither did I or anyone here have the strength to do any of this stuff. We thought it was unloving to not step in and rescue them, and we were too afraid of what might happen, to see what is already happening.
It is through sharing and learning here, and through 12-step programs, and mostly through experience that we have been able to "let go and let God". Please read "Codependent No More" and many other books listed at the top of theAl-Anon board and just learn as much as you can about codpendency. I promise that it will help and slowly you will begin to heal.
It takes time, effort. a lot of stumbling and bumbling along the way, but we do learn to step out of the darkness into the light, one step at a time.
I have been off the boards much of this week and am just catching up. Something you said, touched my heart about suggested actions for us to take..."they make me cry because I don't have the strength to do them"
Neither did I or anyone here have the strength to do any of this stuff. We thought it was unloving to not step in and rescue them, and we were too afraid of what might happen, to see what is already happening.
It is through sharing and learning here, and through 12-step programs, and mostly through experience that we have been able to "let go and let God". Please read "Codependent No More" and many other books listed at the top of theAl-Anon board and just learn as much as you can about codpendency. I promise that it will help and slowly you will begin to heal.
It takes time, effort. a lot of stumbling and bumbling along the way, but we do learn to step out of the darkness into the light, one step at a time.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: upstate, ny
Posts: 135
hi to davidsmom and mg and all of you caring, loving, courageous women.
i don't know what to say other than god bless you all and guide u where u need to be.
my husband has kept the focus going with his binges and rehab, but i must confess that my 28 year-old son has been liviing in my cold basement. we are out of rooms, big family. this boy of mine left home at 16, by my request. he was not going to school and not working, hanging out with scum and stealing money and even his little sisters and brothers boom boxes and game boys. one day i really confronted him about where he was going with his life. his room was disgusting and i'll spare you the details, and he smelled, hadn't showered for days. he told me to f off and he'd do whatever he wanted. i said not in my house, we have some core rules and why do u want to be dirty. to make a long story short he slapped me and told me agaim to f off and went screaming out the door. i didn't hear from him for a year and a half. i cried and cried and prayed and blamed my mothering and his absent father and his new stepfather all that time.
let me tell u about jason. 6foot 2, curly auburn hair, handsome, green eyes and above average iq. adht, compulsive and obsessive. well, he lived on the streets of rochester, we're a coutry family. he lived in cars and cardboard boxes. he had nothing going for him and refused to ask for anything. pride, i wonder where he got that from!! to make a 12 year story short, the boy has seen a side of life i never in a thousand years would have thought a child of mine would see. he slowly came back alittle at a time. just for xmas and thanksgiving. he found his way and ended up marrying at 21 to a nice girl who took him in. she is in her last year of med school at u of pa at erie. while they were in rochester she helped him to find some education. he got his ged, and became a ford tech by going to a community college. then they bought a computer and his obsessive personality made him use that computer day and night. then he became a hacker, something i'm not proud of, but then he realized how smart he is. then he got certified to build networks and got exclusive training from cisco and itt to become 1 of 14 in usa with his qualifications. he had a job making 100,000 a year until this summer. guess what happened then. wife moved to pa and he lost his only friend. he went looking for friends and since he has no social skills he found some down and out people to help. codependence!! he figured that someone helped him so he should someone else. well the people he helped were dealing cocaine in his house where they stayed while he was at work. his house got busted and he got arrested for having the lease in his name. he fell in live with a stripper who he is still involved with. meanwhile he has been suppoting his wife in med school for 3 years. he lost his job, because of his personal life interfering, he is filing bankruptcy with wife, getting his car repoed and living in my basement. my husband doesn't want him here and his sisters and brothers are all angry and judgemental. he said to me crying mom i can't go back to living in a car. i don't know if it was the right thing to do, but i put up some rules and talked with the rest of the family and told them i'd like their input. trust me it wasn't real good. i then decided that noone else here was his mom but me and i know he needs to get his life in order. i hope he does and i'm not making it real comfortable for him, but he is my son and his dad is dead, and grandparents sick and estranged. what should i do. this time i had to follow my heart and i'm wearing my helmet around all the other people that i love and live with in this house. unless ur a mom, u can't know about motherhood. i don't want to enable him, but it's cold out and he has no money for food. he is damaged goods from the past and i want to try to help him and i'm being crucified. oh well, i've helped a lot of family and friends and i hope i'm doing the right thing. sorry about the ramble. take care and i'll pray for all of us mothers!! hugs from sugar
i don't know what to say other than god bless you all and guide u where u need to be.
my husband has kept the focus going with his binges and rehab, but i must confess that my 28 year-old son has been liviing in my cold basement. we are out of rooms, big family. this boy of mine left home at 16, by my request. he was not going to school and not working, hanging out with scum and stealing money and even his little sisters and brothers boom boxes and game boys. one day i really confronted him about where he was going with his life. his room was disgusting and i'll spare you the details, and he smelled, hadn't showered for days. he told me to f off and he'd do whatever he wanted. i said not in my house, we have some core rules and why do u want to be dirty. to make a long story short he slapped me and told me agaim to f off and went screaming out the door. i didn't hear from him for a year and a half. i cried and cried and prayed and blamed my mothering and his absent father and his new stepfather all that time.
let me tell u about jason. 6foot 2, curly auburn hair, handsome, green eyes and above average iq. adht, compulsive and obsessive. well, he lived on the streets of rochester, we're a coutry family. he lived in cars and cardboard boxes. he had nothing going for him and refused to ask for anything. pride, i wonder where he got that from!! to make a 12 year story short, the boy has seen a side of life i never in a thousand years would have thought a child of mine would see. he slowly came back alittle at a time. just for xmas and thanksgiving. he found his way and ended up marrying at 21 to a nice girl who took him in. she is in her last year of med school at u of pa at erie. while they were in rochester she helped him to find some education. he got his ged, and became a ford tech by going to a community college. then they bought a computer and his obsessive personality made him use that computer day and night. then he became a hacker, something i'm not proud of, but then he realized how smart he is. then he got certified to build networks and got exclusive training from cisco and itt to become 1 of 14 in usa with his qualifications. he had a job making 100,000 a year until this summer. guess what happened then. wife moved to pa and he lost his only friend. he went looking for friends and since he has no social skills he found some down and out people to help. codependence!! he figured that someone helped him so he should someone else. well the people he helped were dealing cocaine in his house where they stayed while he was at work. his house got busted and he got arrested for having the lease in his name. he fell in live with a stripper who he is still involved with. meanwhile he has been suppoting his wife in med school for 3 years. he lost his job, because of his personal life interfering, he is filing bankruptcy with wife, getting his car repoed and living in my basement. my husband doesn't want him here and his sisters and brothers are all angry and judgemental. he said to me crying mom i can't go back to living in a car. i don't know if it was the right thing to do, but i put up some rules and talked with the rest of the family and told them i'd like their input. trust me it wasn't real good. i then decided that noone else here was his mom but me and i know he needs to get his life in order. i hope he does and i'm not making it real comfortable for him, but he is my son and his dad is dead, and grandparents sick and estranged. what should i do. this time i had to follow my heart and i'm wearing my helmet around all the other people that i love and live with in this house. unless ur a mom, u can't know about motherhood. i don't want to enable him, but it's cold out and he has no money for food. he is damaged goods from the past and i want to try to help him and i'm being crucified. oh well, i've helped a lot of family and friends and i hope i'm doing the right thing. sorry about the ramble. take care and i'll pray for all of us mothers!! hugs from sugar
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Hi David's Mom:
I'm new here too, and have a 40 year old son who is a meth user. Can't seem to break away and is throwing his life away. He does terrible things and scares me all the time. He calls me and says the next sound you'll hear is me pulling the trigger....I cry and cry and then he calls me again and says I've decided to hang myself so (k the girlfriend) will find me when she comes home. I'm devasted he is so talented and handsome and had the world by the tail, but was adopted at 3 days old and can't seem to get over it or maybe that's not it at all. I don't know, wish someone could help me stay strong...soon he'll be in the street and I've once again tried everything to help him to no avail...I will lose my mind if I keep going to this way..Hopefully someone can help me stay strong....devasted:(
I'm new here too, and have a 40 year old son who is a meth user. Can't seem to break away and is throwing his life away. He does terrible things and scares me all the time. He calls me and says the next sound you'll hear is me pulling the trigger....I cry and cry and then he calls me again and says I've decided to hang myself so (k the girlfriend) will find me when she comes home. I'm devasted he is so talented and handsome and had the world by the tail, but was adopted at 3 days old and can't seem to get over it or maybe that's not it at all. I don't know, wish someone could help me stay strong...soon he'll be in the street and I've once again tried everything to help him to no avail...I will lose my mind if I keep going to this way..Hopefully someone can help me stay strong....devasted:(
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome Devastated
Please make yourself at home and read some of the threads here, and you will realize that there are many of us who have been where you are.
My son is a 34 year old crack addict, and I know th heartache of watching them destroy their lives. But that doesn't mean we have to destroy ours. Stick around and find out how we survive and learn to be happy in spite of our sorry situations.
Please make yourself at home and read some of the threads here, and you will realize that there are many of us who have been where you are.
My son is a 34 year old crack addict, and I know th heartache of watching them destroy their lives. But that doesn't mean we have to destroy ours. Stick around and find out how we survive and learn to be happy in spite of our sorry situations.
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