notsoperky

Well, hello to any and all who might be reading this new thread.

I am an addict, nol kidding, that lately has had trouble getting/staying clean.

What frustrates me to no end, is that back in '94 I did get clean and stayed that way until '02!
Then I 'found' a new DOC-percs. And man are these addictive! I was using benzos and crack-the odd time) for years. And I can honestly say I have not been so intertwined with my drug since using these pain meds.

I started posting on a different thread but was advised, or at least offered the choice to start a new thread.
I am not even sure the main theme behind this one, except that I am feeling so low and down on myself for not having the conviction I once had, and I have to admit deept down must still be there.
I won't go into details a bout the ups and downs of my life right now. There are many-including my mother will be dying very soon.
I am asking/offerng any and all who wish to joing this thread, regardless of your current status, please drop in. I would love to hear from you.
Please take care of yourselves.
...and remember - YOU ARE LOVED!
r

wantneeda

Welcome!!!!
A battle between ego and spirit. Your spirit is screaming, your ego is stomping your spirit. Have you tried NA?
I know its hard, i know through the fog and darkness I couldn't see the light.
Just for today focus on sobriety. You are worth the fight.
I hope you stick around here. There are many good people here who truly care and will share thier strength, hope and experience.
hugs, Wendy

In memory of miracle

Good to see you. I am sorry you are having it so rough. Your story sounds alot like mine. Wow! Was it hard for me to get clean again. I had to surrender. Things didnt get any better until I did. Keep trying. It will happen.Keep the faith!
Bless, Trish

fairywatcher54

My first try at this. Try to be patient. I can not say I understand having been a pain pill addict among other things. We start and continue one step at a time. Then one day we get up and wonder how did we get this deep in again. Weakness is a great factor in our emotional progression. It is harder to resist then to give in.

Stormchild

Hi
you sound really unhappy at the moment, it's no use I tell you to look on the bright side, you can't see it right now. Tell you what, I'll think of you all day tomorrow, and send wishes to you that you can do it for just ten minutes at a time. Eventually you might find you can go half an hour without needing, then an hour, the two, eventually you even get to a day. I know this sounds a bit tedious, but it does get better and it does get easier. You have to change the way you see yourself, but that only comes with a lot of time and soulsearching. when it gets really hectic, think it through. Think, OK, if I use now, what will happen... then force yourself to think of all the negative things that happen in your life because of drugs.
I really will keep you in my thoughts
Love and light
Sam

michski

I was a mess when my first husband died... I relapsed big time and then began using his pain medication along with booze. I really needed support and I didn't get it because I didn't think I could bear the emotional pain of watching him die without self medicating myself. I did eventually get a medical detox and I really committed myself to long term sobriety. I've got a little over 3 years now. My best girlfriend died a couple of years ago of a brain tumor and I had to "bow out" of any extended caring for her because, at last, I put my sobriety first. I found the support I needed to not feel awful for not being able to care for her at my AA/NA meetings.
You'll do the same thing I'm sure when you simply can't stand another minute being screwed up and want a fresh start on your life clean and sober.

The bottom line is you have to finally be so sick and tired of being sick and tired that you will go to any lengths to stay clean.

Phinneas

Me, too. What I discovered for myself is that only a higher power could remove the physical craving and mental obsession. All of trying, thinking, and self will in the world could not keep me clean and sober. It wasn't until I gave up and hit surrender that my life turned around.

You've stayed clean before, so you know that it's possible. Ask for the gift back. Ask for the conviction. Ask for the willingness.

Hang in there, notso, we're all pulling for you.

hugs,

phinny

Dan

Amen, Phinny.
Welcome to SoberRecovery notso.
And hey! I spent ten years in Hogtown.

Humid down there right about now?

lulu70

Hey there, Perky! I know I have already given you a welcome, but would like to welcome you again. As you can see, this is a great place with wonderful support from people who really understand what you are going through. Keep hanging out here and reap the rewards. And remember, nothing changes if nothing changes.

Hugs--

nogard

Hi Perky and notso, welcome to SR.


nogard

notsoperky

where and how does one get those pix beside your handle?

I am not terribly computer savvy, so please when explaining go S-L-O-W-L-Y!

thanks, yet again

Dan

See the navigation bar up yop on the main page?
Far left... "User CP".
That's your control panel. Click that, and you'll see a menu on the left.
Look for "Edit Avatar". Click that.

You'll get a choice of loading one up from the existing gallery, or you can get adventurous and load one up from your hard drive. There are size restrictions, if you go the custom route

Send me a private message anytime if you need help. Just click my handle and select from the menu.
Can you tell I'm a tech geek yet?

lulu70

If you click on "User CP" on the blue bar at the top of every page, it will take you to your personal control panel. There will be a list of things you can do there including editing your "avatar." (That's what that pic is called.) SR has a bunch you can choose from, or you can choose one from elsewhere, save it to your computer, then copy and paste it in the CP. I'm not so sure about that, though, so you'd probably be better off just choosing an SR avatar for now. Clear as mud? Good luck.

Hugs--

notsoperky

hi people

things are pretty rough/tough around my place. My mom is in the hospital, and literally taking her last bits of life.
She has bone cancer and pnemonia, and will not last much longer.
I am trying not to use too much, yet at the same time I don't want to stop and go into w/d.
...and I have been seriously thinking-again-of getting off this crap. I guess now is not the time. It is extremely difficult time, and I am grateful for my family, and yes that I have a doctor who is understanding and will to give me a script a couple days earlier than should be.
I really need some kind words, so anyone, please write back,

thanks

Jupiter2

Hi notsoperky,

My father is ill as well. We don't know how bad it is yet, but I know the same of the feelings you must be having (my mother died several years ago as well). I don't have too much experience with your doc (other than whenever I got my hands on some pills, I would use them.

I do know that after six months, sobriety is far better no matter what is going on than the alternative. I have ups and downs as well, but I am convinced abstinence is the only way for me. I use a 12 step program (which has its ups and downs as well), but others use other types of support. Just keep looking for what works for you and stick with that. There are many here on SR that have been incredibly supportive of me and they will be for you as well.

Jup.

notsoperky

my mom died on Sunday night. She gave a long fight, and finally succumbed, and now is finally out of pain.
I am using enough not to feel w/d. No' that's a lie. I am chasing a bit of a buzz.
However, I have my sister in charge of the pills while she is here and I am only getting a few a day. That way, at the very least I won't be walking around blitzed out of my head.
I sound like I am making excuses/justifying my using. I guess I am. (honesty always hurts).
however, that IS the lay of the land for me for now.
...one step at a time...